I own nothing, including talent to write. Yet here I am, like a bad singer at karaoke night. I want to give a big hug to my girls from The League of Extraordinary CQHers. I couldn't survive fandom, life, or a single day without you girls (and James.) Love you with every beat of my blackened nasty hatefilled heart! 333
To Do List
Buy a welcome mat for balcony.
Pickup some sexy lingerie.
Get girly bits waxed.
Get sexy new clothes.
Learn to be sexy
Buy condoms.
Clear out unicorns and teddybears from bedroom.
Figure out who is the man behind the mask.
Rosalie snorted as she read the items on Bella's to do list. "Well, lets get to it." she said, while standing and grabbing her bag.
Bella followed her to the door, eager to get to it.
"Um Bella...no one wants to see your knobby kneed baby giraffe legs. Put some pants on."
~*o*~
Hours later, Bella found herself soaking in a bathtub full of ice. She could have sworn her rubber ducky was giving her the side eye. His lips are looking a tad blue...
Asking Rosalie for help had sounded like a brilliant idea, but sitting here with a raw cooch, Bella wasn't so sure anymore.
~*o*~
EARLIER
"Ok, I'm going to need you to remove your pants and underwear, then lay down with your legs spread." Bella suddenly felt a bit nervous. It's not like she was in the habit of showing off her lady bits.
"Um Rosalie...do you really think its necessary for you to stay" she asked as she got into position.
"Yes. I'm here for moral support. Do you smell hot pockets?"
"I don't know how much support you can give me here Rose..."
"Support, bodily pinning you down to the table...Whatever it takes to get the job done. I swear I'm smelling...tuna? Tuna flavored hot pockets?"
"Rose, I think you've lost your ever loving HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT HURT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE? REMOVING MY FUTURE CHILDREN THROUGH MY HAIR FOLICALS?"
Silence followed as the other women in the room stared at Bella blankly. That was until the stealthy aesthetician reached up and yanked another strip of hair off of Bella's fur burger.
~*o*~
Rosalie dragged a tender Bella to their next destination. The lingerie shop.
"Rosalie why on earth would I want to spend this much money on a scrap of material."
Rosalie stared Bella down, an exasperated look on her face. "How much is it worth to you to get laid."
"Good point."
Rosalie tossed a handful of thongs at Bella. "You need these. Something about lace just does a man in."
"Ugh! No way! I don't want butt floss. Can't I get some cute boy shorts?"
"Tell you what Bella, why don't you go try on some of each and we'll decide what looks better."
Bella looked down at her poor abused bits and decided that suddenly thongs didn't sound so bad. Rosalie smiled victoriously.
~*o*~
"Bella, hurry up! Why are you waddling like that?"
"BECAUSE MY SNATCH FUCKING HURTS ALRIGHT?"
Rosalie failed miserably at stifling the laughter that forced its way up her throat. This infuriated Bella even more, as she stood chest heaving, glaring daggers at her best friend. In her apparently deafening rage, it took her a moment to register the titters of the crowd that was now gawking at them. Red faced, Bella rushed into the nearest store.
What the fuck? Did I just walk into Hooker's R Us?
"Nice choice Bella! I didn't know you had it in you." Rosalie smiled as she immediately started gathering small scraps of material and tossing them at Bella.
"And what exactly do you want me to do with these?"
"Try them on Bella."
Once again Bella found herself debating with her miserable muff. "Don't even fucking think about it," voiced the little man in the boat. Hardly able to afford a mutiny by her lower half she decided to bend to the will of her pussy. Hopefully next time her pussy would be making decisions that involved more pleasurable pursuits.
Rosalie watched bemused as Bella mouthed words towards her crotch. After a brief conversation, Bella informed Rosalie to just pick whatever...so long as she didn't have to try it on.