Chapter Nine: Reflections in Shadows

The problem with the Shinobi Academy is that first and foremost it's a school. Everyone knows what the problem with school is, and here it's not different. Despite the content matter that we're learning and despite the fact that this is apparently needed for the future... It's still school, it's boring and menial and half the time I find myself absently tapping a rhythm on the desk in front of me to keep myself awake just to soak up whatever the man at the front of the room is telling us.

More often than not Kakashi also picks to simply sit by me. Whether that's an indication of friendship or not is still confusing because we don't really interact.

At least not proper interaction. Not really. We kind of just hand around together watching everyone else or simply being there. Typically though Kakashi will grow bored of standing around and when he does his first thought is training. Which is incredible to watch, attempting to join him though usually ends with me glaring at the still worthless throws that I can make. Kakashi, doesn't comment on them anymore. Not after he tried to help me the first time and that somehow made my aim worse...

At least I still mostly practice with rubber.

But still, school. Boring typically even if I used to enjoy it in my previous life. My attention span has never really been the best when it's come to stuff that just doesn't interest me though. Which basically translates to most of the theory lessons going well over my head as I instead tune them out and focus on other more irrelevant things. Such as my hands and the beat that I tap out onto the desk, such as the feel of Kakashi's chakra curling through his body in that one particular way that says annoyance even if he shows only the faintest visible reaction.

Also, my twin.

I don't even have to look at him sitting up in the back of the classroom to know that he's glaring death in Kakashi's direction. They just don't get along, at all.

It's entertaining really. Because it's not like he has much of a choice about who I decide to simply idle around after all. Nor where Kakashi chooses to sit. If he could I'm sure that he would though. He's so overprotective really.

And I love it.

Mainly because at this stage it means I only need to watch and chaos will unfold on it's own. Also less anxiety and panic attacks because I'm too busy being amused by the interactions of the people around me.

Kakashi and Tomoko butt heads routinely and it's usually left to Rin to calm them both down. Since I don't really do anything but kind of egg them on. I can't really help it, because it gets us all interacting our whole group.

And it even draws a few others to our group. Such as Sarutobi Asuma the Hokage's son and Yuhi Kurenai. Also Maito Gai... Who I don't think is even quite in the Academy yet... It makes things at least somewhat interesting I suppose. So I simply continue to sit through the theory lessons waiting for things to get interesting. Today's the first day that we're going to be doing taijutsu as well.

Which means sitting through this first boring lesson something about chakra and chakra exhaustion. Which again is really civilian grade. There's so much theory that we go through that it's ridiculous. Most of it also tends to repeat as though our Sensei just doesn't know the first thing about what he's doing. Which I actually wouldn't be surprised about considering he's already repeated the same sentence at least twice in the one go and then restarted his whole lecture.

Which for people like me is kind of the point where everything starts to slide towards the is it over yet side of things. Also there's something else I should really point out, we have paper, ink and brushes to take notes with. For most of the other kids this means stuff like screwing the paper up into balls to play with or otherwise folding it into planes. For Kakashi it is exactly what it would be on the tin; taking notes. For me though.

I'm not allowed near ink and other calligraphy supplies at home unsupervised. Here though with the boring prattle and all the supplies at hand. As quickly as I'm sliding towards boredom my hand twitches to the brush and ink and soon I'm scrawling out words and lines and twisting it into patterns that just seem to work in my head.

Which of course leads right into trouble. The first indication that anything is even slightly awry is Kakashi yelping and moving as far as he can away from me. Disappearing completely from the room. It sets off something of a chain reaction as the Sensei panics before getting everyone out and dragging me out by the collar of my shirt.

That's when it explodes. Literally the room just as everyone is outside and apparently out of danger goes up in fire and smoke billows out before air's sucked right back in to fill the now empty space.

The rest of the Academy and surrounding buildings seem mostly intact at least although there's a whole bunch of Chunin and Jonin that are now just there. Also civilians peering curiously at the chaos as they pass.

All I can really think of to say in reaction though is actually typical for a five year old kid.

"COOL!" My hands come together into a clap and I grin my eyes practically sparkling in glee. Because seriously who doesn't enjoy seeing explosions. "Can I do it again?" I'm speaking in English but that's mainly because I'm so excited. Tomoko frowns and moves over to my side before whacking me (relatively gently of course) over the back of my head and hissing.

"No you idiot! Explosions are bad!" his expression is sour for a moment before something seems to occur to him. "Hey wait... Does this mean that school is over? That means... No Kunoichi Class!" I blink and look at him curiously before remembering the 'optional' Kunoichi Classes for girls and scowling.

"And why can't I join those classes?" I am not jealous... Just a bit annoyed. Because seriously as far as I care that's discrimination and enforcing Gender Roles. "I mean seriously, it's not like it's the Shinobi version of the Talk now is it... Is it?" I actually have to wonder about that a bit because really I don't have any idea what the Kunoichi classes actually are beyond specialized classes for girls.

Kakashi decides to interrupt at that point tapping me on the shoulder and then crossing his arms over his chest with such a perfect unimpressed look. I blink at him the very personification of the what question that he frowns before pointing back at our still smoking classroom. Also the confused shinobi mulling around it, looking at it though makes me pause and think of something else important to wonder here.

"How come the explosion only affected the inside of the classroom?" A hand moves to my chin and a single finger taps as I question the wonder. "Nothing outside of the classroom or surrounding it was even faintly scorched... Hey Tomoko-nii do you have an answer to that one... It didn't even blow out the roof!"

Kakashi's facepalm beside me is glorious, but I don't pay it the largest amount of attention because this puzzle is important to think about. Tomoko sighs and also looks at the building confusion covering his face as he let's out the ever so elegant

"Huh? How the hell does that work?" A hand moves through his hair reflecting his confusion as Rin begins to giggle on his other side. Kakashi's by me and Rin by him... Reflecting our usual dynamic really.

"Strange... This is incredibly-"

"OBITO!" I jump a bit and spin around to see our Grandmother right there... And she looks furious. My expression immediately turns sheepish and kind of terrified. There's no where that I can just disappear to.

I wonder if I should start considering a will?

"Nice knowing you Otouto... Imouto..." Tomoko trails off before attempting to sneak away.

"TOMOKO! You're in trouble for this as well." he freezes and looks over to our Grandmother with a look that clearly read exactly how unhappy he was to hear that. "It's your job to make sure that certain rules are kept when the adults aren't able to!" she's scolding him... In front of the whole school. In front of the Academy and a number of Chunin, Jonin and some Genin who're milling around. We're never going to live this down. "And as for you-"

"I know. I know." I cut her off and dutifully repeat that one rule that's been drilled into my head over and over and over again simply because I keep 'forgetting' it. "Don't write patterns without someone watching." I pause and then look over at the still smoking remains of our classroom. "But that's never happened before..."

"Obito!" she sounds worn down and I flinch as she raises a hand to pinch at her brow and mutter lowly, too low for me or Tomoko to catch. She takes a deep breath looks at both of us before huffing it out in a long sigh. "Maybe it's time I got you a proper tutor for such things then... Before you have a worse accident." she eyes the classroom meaningfully and I give an awkward shuffle and laugh.

It's actually a fairer punishment than I expected really. Although there's a certain way that Grandmother's standing that says that's not the end of it. Not even close really and I find myself holding my breath as she looks around soon finding our sensei and storming over to him...

My eyes widen in horror and I kind of inch behind Kakashi because no... No, it's one thing for her to scold us because we knew the rules that we'd been given but our sensei. Please let the ground open up and swallow me.

Please, no, no... I can't. I can't deal with this. Kakashi barely reacts as I begin to whimper and crouch down behind him. As I begin to hide myself from view because really. I can deal with being embarrassed in front of everyone, I can deal with being scolded in front of a crowd it's not like that never happened to me in either life before. The thing that I can't deal with though is my guardian then turning around and in front of everyone dressing down the teacher, even if they do deserve it. It just feels so much like an attention grab.

Or, or something I don't know. It just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

"You're responsible for this as well!" her voice carries incredibly well and it's amazing really that everyone is so quiet. It's as though the whole world is waiting to see how she's going to tear into our sensei. "You should have known to keep a close eye on everyone after all. Can't expect a bunch of five year olds to just behave. Also I did warn the Academy about exactly what the twins weren't to touch-" she's off and gaining steam as well. With every word though I sink further and further behind Kakashi while Tomoko gets redder and redder beginning to feel the embarrassment as well until he pulls up the collar of his dress and hides behind it.

The only reason he's even wearing a dress is because I absently mentioned that even if he doesn't like it... He should at least wear one so that if the need arises he'll be able to actually fight in one without being hindered by it. That barely helped but it clearly succeeded since here he is in the dress.

That's really all that matters when it comes down to it.

Of course I don't hide behind the collar of my shirt. All that would do would be cause additional embarrassment. Instead I tug my goggles down from their perch and allow my fringe to fall over my face. I can feel the heat in my cheeks. I can feel the twist of embarrassment and the sort of odd feeling of laughter that bubbles through me.

I always want to laugh in embarrassing situations. Don't know why but I do, and I let out a kind of strangled half laugh. Half sob which is weird and kind of sends my emotions right into a back spin. From embarrassment to choking on tears in a handful of seconds. My throat tightening in that familiar way that reminds me of how mixed I am with my emotions and feelings especially when it comes to family.

It's a tightening that heralds mixed sadness with happiness and love. Yeah, I'm something of a sap really. I can feel them as they begin to squeeze out of my eyes and I can hear Kakashi's awkward shuffling. I can also hear Tomoko's sigh and feel as he moves to my side and begins to rub circles on my back.

I hiccup awkwardly before another half laugh, half sob comes out and I whisper.

"It feels so nice to be cared for..." and it really does. It makes me feel so warm and, and... I whimper and push my goggles up wiping at my eyes with my sleeves. "It makes me remember... Remember my family..." I close my eyes and sink down remembering warm hugs and nagging my brother to clean up after himself because it can't be that hard. It makes me long for a life that I can't return to.

Tomoko sinks down beside me and awkwardly side hugs me even as our Grandmother finishes scolding the sensei and realizes that we're both kind of having breakdowns. Although Tomoko is hiding his much better than I'm hiding mine. But I know emotions are important to share. I remember that someone said that tears allow you to refresh yourself and prepare for happiness. To feel better.

I look up as Grandmother approaches face flushed and still warm tears still faintly welling up at the edges of my eyes. I reach up to her and sniffle.

"Obaachan..." It's quiet barely above a whisper but she sighs and gently lifts me. Tomoko simply moves to her side while I bury my head into her shoulder and continue to sniffle. At least this isn't a panic attack. "I miss them..." it's so soft, so quiet yet Tomoko is definitely able to hear my words. Understand them and the implications.

Five years, but time doesn't heal wounds. Not really it lessons the blow and the impact but it never truly heals them. Not in this context. Mourning may become easier with time, but with my state of emotions five years is not enough. Not even close.

I can distract myself. I can pretend that I don't miss them. Except pretending and keeping busy will only ever go so far. At the end of the day it only takes one event, one reminder and...

"I want to see them again..." tears dribble down and soak on Grandmother's shoulder as she continues to carry me home. "I want to hug my brother, tell him that I love him. I want to snuggle with my mother... I want... I want to see the twins, to listen to Freedom's tall tales, to see my nieces... To, to be home..." this is home, but there is home as well.

Love and family and people who care for us.

Would they accept Tomoko? I don't even know but I miss them so much and it aches and tears. My hand clenches and I can feel it twist the fabric in it. I can feel myself shaking as my emotions rise, breathing tightens and I sniff emotions swirling. Sadness and happiness with a longing for the life that I can't go back to.

The life that I can never get back. I don't even know. I don't even know whether I'm truly real. Remembering my family, my original one reminds me of my own rebirth. The moments before in the darkness and before that seeing myself continue to live and write even as I was being yanked away and into a new life. Maybe it's all some sick joke and this is all some story that's being written my a different version of myself. Who knows, reality is weird. Stories are weird and anything is possible if you refuse to admit that it's impossible.

I laugh. It's choked and kind of crazed but it's still a laugh. Still a sound that's recognizable as a happy sound. Except that laughter isn't always happy and this one is definitely more hysterical.

Verging into panicked really. I can feel as Grandmother shifts and adjusts her hold on me. Even as my body starts to shift into it's own small panic mode. Breathing hastens and I can feel hands around my throat even though I know nothing's there. Tightening and a sharp, so incredibly sharp pain in the side of my body. Not the chest this time, throat and side.

Still pretty bad though because all pain is. Sharp and jagged as though it were being twisted and I whimper hands clenching even further. I don't know whether we're even home yet. But I can feel as Grandmother sits down holding me calmly and simply allowing me to cling. Tears trail as well as the pain ebbs away instead being replaced with a hollow and empty feeling. A feeling of absolute blankness. Nothing and yet everything.

I feel cold.

Not shiver and covered in snow cold but rather the emotionally distant shut everything down kind of cold. The kind where I know that there's something wrong but I just can't make myself feel anything at all anymore. It's the point where I've gone into robot mode really. Sitting limply in Grandmother's grip and just staying there silent and blank. It would be scary if I'd never experienced it before. And if I bothered to feel any emotion about my blank state. Face going straight and my head resting as I simply breathed not caring enough to feel anything.

I close my eyes and don't even respond as Tomoko reaches out and pokes me. I don't even flinch as he calls my name over and over again trying to get me to react. Absently I realize that this is probably the first time that anyone across either of my lives have seen me in this state.

Completely blank and shut down. No one's seen me fall into this before.

Except the dogs. And it's not like they could tell anyone. After all they weren't able to talk in my previous life. Unlike some of the animals in this one. I know distantly that this state is probably unhealthy but I just can't bring myself to care at all. I don't want to be overwhelmed by my emotions right now.

So I switched them off.

Which kind of switches the rest of me off. Since I'm not responding to anything at all. No outside stimuli and barely any of the inside stimuli either. I'm just sitting and resting in a blank state. Staring at nothing in the air. I can't even really see anything, it's like watching a static television where you stare at the static and can maybe just see the images of whatever old show is playing. Or new show if it's just the television itself that's not working.

Or maybe it's like walking through fog thick enough that you can barely see what's in front of you at all.

I really can't bring myself to actually care.

I lower my head and look down absently spotting the shadow that we're making. It almost looks like a happy picture, a greyscale background image where the family or people are missing and all you've got to go by are the shadows left on the ground and context clues.

Ghosts of the past.

"Reflections in the shadows..." it's softly spoken, barely even audible but I feel Grandmother tense and Tomoko's confused mental poke. I point blank refuse to really elaborate though slipping back to rest my head against Grandmother. It feels as though I'm being weighed down and I snuggle a bit. Since typically this is the way I attempt to find the ability to sleep.

Yawning I close my eyes. Maybe everything will level itself out after I rest for a little while. My emotions at least will reset themselves and I can deal with them again... That's a good reason I think. I won't be so blank.

This is usually my before sleep way of dealing with things after all.

Blank, monotone, cold.