WARNING: Some of the subject matter in this chapter will live up to this story's T rating. You have been warned. Thank you.
Riley didn't know what was wrong. In all rights, nothing should be wrong at all. Life was good. School was going well. She had made quite a few friends. Hockey was awesome in all possible respects. Christmas was coming, and the holiday spirit had already taken hold all around her.
But not within her. And she couldn't figure out why. She wanted to be happy. She wanted to have that same giddiness she had always had this time of year. But she couldn't seem to be able to feel it. It was as if all the pleasure and joy had been stripped from her. There was hardly any joy. She wasn't feeling much of anything these days. Even her struggle with fear had diminished. Day after day came and went, all the same, and all equally pointless. There was no drive to her life. She felt there wasn't any use to anything she was doing.
And that made her angry.
In fact, that was the only thing she seemed to really feel. Oh, the other emotions were still there, but frustration, along with a depressive sadness, seemed far more prevalent. It disgusted her. Life disgusted her. She disgusted herself. What was the point of all this? What was the point of life?! She tried to console herself with the fact that everyone got depressed sometimes. She herself had dealt with in on many occasions. But this was different. All the other times had been short, minuscule states that she seemed to go through on cycle. But they never lasted long. This, however, was far more powerful. She felt as though she had fallen down into an oil slicked pit, that she just couldn't seem to get out of. Every time she thought she had made it, and dared to actually smile, she would tumble back down into it with a growl of frustration.
Useless. Stupid. Ugly.
The words seemed to tumble out of her every time she looked in the mirror. She hated herself, and she didn't know why. She felt like smashing the mirror, seeing only what she had convinced herself to see. Fat. Ugly. Stupid. She knew; deep down she knew none of those were true. But, somehow, that didn't matter. She felt it was true. She made herself think it was true. Her anger grew every day, only outmatched by a nearly overwhelming sadness. She hated it. She hated herself.
She didn't know how much more of this she could take.
"I-I...I can't do this anymore..."
Anger's tone was shaky and tired, something none of the other Emotions had ever seen in him before. His breathing was heavy, and, though it went against his words, he gripped the controls tightly. Sadness, who stood beside him, shared his feelings, but also knew they had no choice.
"But we have to," she whimpered lowly, tears welling in her eyes. She looked at Anger sadly, wishing with all her heart that there was some other answer she could give.
"Why?!" Anger suddenly broke out, hands shivering, but remaining where they were. "We're hurting her! All of us are hurting her! No matter who drives, whether it's you or me, or even Disgust! The only person who could do any good is Joy, and the console won't even work for her!"
Joy sat behind them on the sofa, alongside a trembling Fear. She had taken hold of his hand at some point, whether to calm his nerves or, possibly, her own. She was very pale, her glow less than half of what it used to be. She turned her dull eyes toward Anger, wishing her guilt would just disappear. "That's...That's why...you have to...drive," she breathed, almost too weak to talk. "Someone has to...has to drive."
Anger closed his eyes in an odd mix of fury and anguish. He hated this. Hated it. Hated! He dispised that their hands; their loving hands, could do nothing but harm to their girl. Riley was now running on completely negative thoughts. No matter who was driving, the feelings they fed the console morphed into some twisted version that only made matters worse. When Disgust snubbed her nose up at some meal or another, Riley, instead of simply disliking the food, would launch into a looping thought of how picky and stupid she was. How she deserved not to eat anything at all, fat and ugly as she was. The first time it happened, Disgust had gasped, stung by what her touch had done. In the same way, when Riley saw herself in the mirror, Disgust would try to coax her to brush the snarls from her hair, and just look presentable, but all Riley would do was sneer into the mirror, eyes locked on her gaze in the reflection, so that it was like she were looking right at them. She would hurl names at herself. Angry words. Words of total disgust with herself. It was enough to claw at Disgust's aching heart.
Anger was in no better position. He tried his hardest, his absolute hardest, to do what he had always done for Riley; tried to keep life fair and right. But know, no matter what he tried to make her angry at around her, she would always turn his feelings inward, directing her anger and frustration toward herself. And yet, Riley had to feel something. Or she wouldn't be Riley. Fear helping was out of the question. Anger had promised to give him a break, and he was trying to. Trying with every particle of his being. But it just wasn't proving to be enough.
Sadness seemed to be the only one of them who was keeping Riley afloat. Her melancholy power seemed to lesson the blow of Anger and Disgust, but it still wasn't good. Riley was constantly sad. At any moment she might just burst out in tears. Sadness did her best to try and balance the other struggling Emotions, but felt horrible about how she was effecting their girl.
And then there was Joy. The console refused to even acknowledge her. Oh, sometimes Riley would let her sneak in a smile or laugh, but they were always fake. Forced. They were sure that Riley's family and friends must be seeing the difference. They must have noticed. How couldn't they? The girl was falling apart from the inside out. Joy was ill, fading, but not gone. She still lingered in the back of Headquarters, longing to stand in her rightful place in Riley's mind. Fear sat beside her, clinging to her as though he believed that, if he didn't, she would simply cease to exist. He too had been forgotten by Riley, at least for the time being, and for that he was grateful. That strange trap of imagination had diminished slightly, though, it too still lingered. Riley wasn't focusing on her fears anymore. She hadn't had a nightmare in weeks. And yet, he was always there, like Joy, hovering by the coach, longing to jump in.
"We're...having Casandra over...later," Joy spoke up weakly, griping Fear's fingers just a little bit tighter. "Maybe that will cheer her up." Her enthusiasm, low as it was, far outshone anything else in the room. She was that small glimmer of hope that they all needed so desperately. It was true, though. Casandra might help Riley. Someone had to.
Fear remained silent. He didn't say much anymore, concentrating on keeping his worries to himself. Sometimes he felt doing so would kill him, he had so many fears locked up. So many things that crept inside of him, clawing to come out. But he forced it deep down inside himself. He could not - would not - hurt Riley again. Never. If it killed him.
He hoped Joy was right. Riley needed a distraction.
"You want something to eat, Riley?"
Riley blinked at Casandra's question. Was she hungry? Yes. Would she eat something? No. She hated food. Hated her stupid, fat, ugly body. Hated it. "No, but you go ahead, Casandra," she answered, a fake smile creeping across her face. "I'll just keep you company." Her mind was feeling particularly overwhelmed today. Too many problems, and too much stress was knocking around in her head. She felt weak with emotion, close to a breaking point she had never even known existed. Still didn't know existed. But would know soon enough.
Casandra led the way down the stairs of Riley's house. It was getting late, but that was alright. Casandra was staying over tonight, studying with Riley for a test the next day. The two girls, dressed in their warm pajamas, made their way to the fridge. Mom and Dad were out tonight, meeting one of Dad's clients at a restaurant. The friendly man and his wife had invited Mom to tag along, and Mom had jumped at the chance to get out of the house. Riley wasn't used to being home alone, even though she was certainly old enough, but with Casandra there she felt more at ease. But only a little. Her mind still felt incredibly taut, practically ready to snap. At each breath her stomach lurched, with a feeling she couldn't quite place. Even as they reached the fridge, her thoughts felt confused, with just a thin, but growing, base of anger.
Casandra opened the refrigerator door with a rattle of glass jars and the hum of refrigeration. She did it as though it were her own property. Normally, Riley didn't mind, but, for some reason, tonight it gnawed at her growing irritation.
"You sure you don't want anything, Riley?"
Riley wanted to say no. She really did. But now that she could see the food, bright and tempting in the artificial bulb of the fridge, she felt a hunger growl within her stomach. Her mind warred with itself, a strong flare of self anger washing over her, even though she had already made up her mind. "Yeah...I guess I will." Instantly a wave of self disgust hit her. Strong and powerful, it backed up behind the dam of pent up rage, mixing dangerously into a bottled self hate. Riley could feel it, horrid thoughts flashing into her mind. Thoughts and words about herself she would never dare utter out loud. Something in her mind still recoiled in horror at this development. Something still held the flow of hate back. Something.
Riley took out the jar of peanut butter and the one of jelly, grabbing a knife from the drawer as she passed it to the counter beside the sink. She grabbed a plate and some bread, while Casandra helped herself to some leftover chicken. Riley slowly and solemnly opened the peanut butter jar, smelling the rich, creamy scent that released from within it. A single thought shuttled through her mind at lightening speed.
Fattening.
But she kept going, pushing those thoughts down like a metal spring. She opened the jelly jar, its sticky substance getting on the tips of her fingers. Other thoughts rocketed through her mind.
Disgusting. Pig. Look at the mess you are.
Riley's right hand tightened around the knife, trembling slightly with the pure hate building behind it.
"Hey, Riley, you alright over there?"
Riley didn't hear Casandra. All she could hear was the words echoing through her mind.
"Riley! What's up with you, huh?"
Riley gritted her teeth, eyes glaring down at the food before her, a red haze beginning to cloud her vision.
Casandra came up behind her, slightly concerned by this point. She carefully reached out a hand, laying it gently on Riley's shoulder. The reaction was immediate.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!"
The dam had broken.
"LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU DON'T GET ME OR WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!"
Her right hand was held up by her head, the knife shaking menacingly, pointed at Casandra as Riley's hysteria continued.
"I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!"
She wasn't even sure what it was she hated.
No. No she knew.
The knife lowered, turning toward her own chest.
"I HATE ME!"
"I can't stop her! Help! I can't stop her!"
Anger had never been one to admit he couldn't do something. He was a very prideful being. But what was unfolding now was far beyond pride. Far above anything the Emotions had ever dealt with. Anger and Disgust had tried their best, they really had, but it had just made things worse. Sadness had let go of the controls with a jolt, tears coursing down her cheeks as she backed away. That had been just before Riley broke. Now, lights blared all over the console, Riley's heartbeat below them was deafening; fast and irregular. The force behind Riley's yells - no, screams - was barely audible behind the pounding rhythm. The Viewscreen was shrouded in a blood red mist, making everything within Headquarters a terrible crimson.
Anger had let go of the console, as had Disgust, hands held up as though they were afraid their limbs might be drawn to it otherwise. Riley was screaming at her best friend. Holding a knife in her direction, practically tensing, physically and mentally, to attack. The look on Casandra's face was almost more heartrending than Riley's words. She looked frightened; frightened of her own best friend. It was a look of terror, and horror. She backed up slightly, eyes flicking between Riley's face and the knife.
"I CAN'T STOP HER!" Anger's voice yelled again, more desperate than ever over all the noise of chaos and hurt. He turned panicked eyes behind him, seeing that both Joy and Fear had jumped to their feet. Joy looked very unsteady, but Fear was looking uncommonly tense and firm. But suddenly, mid-stride, both Emotions froze, mouths wide, as well as their eyes, in total terror and disbelief. Anger couldn't figure out what was wrong, until he followed their gaze back to the foggy Viewscreen.
Riley now had the knife pointed at herself.
"RILEY!"
Fear was far quicker than he looked. With a speed born of desperation, he threw himself at the controls so hard his knees banged against the side as he stopped, grabbed a lever and pulled. Riley blinked, the red mist clearing slightly to become tinged in purple haze. The hand with the knife, still hovering somewhere near her heart, quivered and shook, as though her entire body were on vibrate. Fear was breathing just as heavily, standing alone at the console, the others too shocked and frightened to join him. He jerked his free hand to yet another lever, pressing a button to make Riley release her grip.
Riley shuddered visibly, her gaze still wide and hysterical. Her eyes suddenly jerked to her hand, perceiving the knife and its position. Then she looked back at Casandra, seeing her friend's horror and concern for the first time. A terrible fear of what she was doing, what she had nearly done, overwhelmed her in a second wave of emotion, covering the previous wave of anger, disgust, and hate, and making it disappear in a swirl of guilt and terror.
With a spastic, unnatural jolt, Riley threw the knife into the sink, away from her and her trembling hand. It landed with a smash, breaking one of Mom's beautiful dinner plates completely in half.
There was a moment of silence, in which both girls looked, wide-eyed at the broken platter and the knife lying beside it, and then the spell was shattered. Riley collapsed to her knees, arms wrapped around herself, crying, sobbing, weeping brokenly. The red haze was gone, and only terror remained. In fact, fear was the only thing she could feel, besides guilt. She didn't feel anything else, inside or out. She didn't even feel when Casandra knelt down beside her and pulled her into a desperate hug.
There was nothing but fear.
Fear's hands shook.
His body shook.
But his mind was more shaken than anything else within him. He was shocked into a catatonic state, fingers still griping the controls so hard they creaked under the strain. Or maybe that was his fingers themselves. He couldn't tell. He couldn't tell anything. All he could feel, and see, was the image of Casandra, their best friend, gazing in horror into Riley's eyes. Gazing up at her as though Riley were some sort of...of lunatic.
Lunatic.
Oh no, please...
His hands shook harder as he fought against his own nature. He would not burden Riley with a fear like that. He wouldn't. He wouldn't! He would fight with all he had to keep Riley; good, sweet, innocent Riley, safe. He was done doing this to her. He had tried to help by letting Anger drive. Then tried Anger along with the others. But all Riley's mind seemed willing to fully accept was him. Well, he was done! No more fears. Please, Riley. No more fears.
But he couldn't help it.
The fear echoed in his own mind, somehow finding a way to travel from him into Riley. Headquarters was now bathed in a intense purple light, foreboding in its beauty. The console hummed with it, and Fear felt that he wouldn't have been able to remove himself from it if he tried. His body refused to move, even as that one true fear passed from his mind into Riley's, as the young girl was once again consumed by fear.
Riley was shaking now, all the anger and hate having drained from her so quickly it left her hollow. She cried into her hands, wanting to run to her room in embarrassment, and yet still so overwhelmed that she couldn't do anything more than weep. She could feel Casandra beside her now, but she didn't look at her. She couldn't. Not after what she had said. Not after what she had almost done.
And then, like a poisonous snake biting her in the heart, a new fear arose within her. It shook her to her core; knocked the breath right out of her with its intensity. It repeated over and over in her head, each time equally destructive. She had thought that she was done with this! She thought those past fears had been the worst she would ever face! She had thought the worst had been behind her!
She couldn't have been more wrong.
I'm crazy.
I'm going insane.
I've lost my mind.
They were all things that she might have joked about once. Once. But now, as the thoughts and terror proceeded to suffocate her, the phrases had never been so real. Never had they been uttered so seriously in her mind. She didn't just think it.
She believed it.
Oh my goodness...this was so hard to write. Yes, again, all of this is true. The incident with the knife is true, only it was my little sister instead of a friend like Casandra who was there. Everything else...should be accurate. At least as accurate as I can recall. Like Riley, I wasn't exactly completely aware when it happened. But as you can see, that incident led to the scariest fear of my life to date. And I highly doubt there are many fears that equal it (though I'm sure that there are others). I was truly convinced I had mentally snapped. And maybe I had. If I had to choose a single point in my life, so far (I'm only 21), it would have to be this was the worst. The most terrifying. A young girl, 12 or 13 years of age, convinced that she was insane.
Things seemed hopeless. Nothing could fix this, right? What could fix someone so broken, so frightened, and so full of anger and self hate? I thought I was lost. An I was.
But like the summery of this story says, "Sometimes the worst moments of our lives turn out to be our best...Or lead to the best."
Don't give up reading this. I has a happy ending, I promise. ;)