I spent the next day deciding frantically on what to wear. Nothing seemed appropriate enough, and like never before I wished I had a fancy dress for this sort of occasion. But I didn't have one or the time to go buy one. I didn't have that many options. Daniel wasn't home so he was not that helpful (which I was kind of glad because I wasn't ready for him to find out that it was Chloe the girl that made me feel like a mushy mess).
I finally decided on a white and blue dress shirt and some beige pants. I wasn't smashing in my opinion but I still pulled a decent look. It took me a whole hour in the shower to decide that I was adequately clean. I got dressed and fixed my hair in a loose ponytail. I even wore some perfume, the same one I had been wearing that evening at the movies.
When I finished getting ready I saw the clock and groaned. It was only 6:30 pm. I sat in the sofa and turned the TV on so I could waste some time. I surfed the channels for about ten minutes until I found something remotely watchable. TV nowadays was pretty lame. While watching I heard the door opening. Daniel had come home with some of his friends.
-Hey Hobbit! At what time are you leaving? - He greeted while putting a pack of beers on the counter.
-Chloe will be picking me up in about an hour. - I responded watching the dudes that were with him. I knew them both; I had seen them the last time Daniel had some friends over.
They nodded at me and I nodded back.
-Are you going out? - I asked distractedly.
-We might, we might. But don't worry, you have fun tonight, and I will make sure these two stay alive. - He chuckled pointing at his friends.
-We wouldn't be losing much really. - I commented eying them up with a shrug.
They just laughed; clearly they had already started to drink.
-At what time are you gonna get back home? - Daniel inquired.
-About 11, I have my keys with me so, don't worry.-
-Great, Frodo. - He said ruffling my hair and I almost punched him instinctively.
-What the hell!? It took me ages!- I slapped his hands of my head and tried to fix it again.
-Come on, don't be stuck up. Relax, live a little.-
I just rolled my eyes still angry.
They just sat on the kitchen for a little while talking and laughing annoyingly. I stayed in the living room watching some Friends reruns when the bell rang. I stood up immediately and when to my room as quickly as I could to check that everything was alright in the mirror. After fixing a few hairs that were being rebellious I headed for the door. I muttered a quick bye to Dan and his friends who were about to get quite pissed. I ran down the stairs almost falling once until I got to the entrance of my building. There they were, waiting for me in a cab, Chloe and her parents.
Her Dad got out from the backseat of the taxi, where Chloe and Mrs. Beale where sitting, opening the door for me.
-Hi Beca! Nice to meet you. - He shook my hand with a smile.
-Nice to meet you too Mr. Beale- I answered politely getting in the backseat. Mr. Beale closed the door and entered the front seat of the car.
-Hi! - Chloe greeted when I was inside.
-Hi! Nice seeing you here. - I joked a bit, trying to calm my nerves. She just snickered.
-Hello Mrs. Beale! - I said turning to her mother.
-Hello Beca, nice of you to join us. - She answered smiling.
I was doing okay so far, I had been with them for about two minutes, but still, I hadn't freaked out or said something stupid, so I got a bit more relaxed about the whole thing. Maybe the night wouldn't turn out to be so bad.
When we arrived at the restaurant and got off the cab, twenty minutes later, I could actually appreciate how Chloe was looking. Beautiful obviously, her green dress looking marvelous. I gulped and smiled, I was going to have dinner and listen to jazz music with the prettiest girl around, I couldn't feel luckier. I could feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach, but it didn't bother me that much, I mean, I was kind of getting used to it.
We walked to the entrance of the restaurant and a host guided us to a booth. Chloe's parents sat on one side, and me and Chloe on the other. I wasn't paying much attention, I noticed the place being fancy and all, but I was sort of lost thinking about the girl beside me, so at moments I forgot her parents her sitting in front of me. I suddenly felt a soft nudge on my ribs; I turned to see Chloe who was motioning with her amused eyes at her parents.
-Oh, I'm sorry, I was a bit distracted. - I responded highly flustered when I finally understood they had been asking me something.
-That's ok Beca. - Her father grinned. –I was just saying that Chloe told us you were very interested in music, do you like jazz?
-Yes, yes, I do, I like all sorts of music. If it's good I like it. - I was maybe replying a bit too nervously but I couldn't help it. It was her father who was doing the questioning.
-Beca has a great music taste Dad. - She complemented turning to look at me. I smiled at her still a bit red-faced.
-Then you got to hear this guy, he is the best singer in the city I swear. - He told me turning to see the stage.
I turned too and saw a guy getting comfortable in front of a piano. I supposed that was going to be man who would be singing that night. He looked pretty smooth in his white suit, he thanked briefly the people who came and started singing. He was even better that I would have thought. His voice was low but still soft, like running your hand on velvet.
Thinking about hands, I really wanted to hold her hand. It was like the perfect moment, the light was dimmed, we were hearing pretty romantic music and I was just anxious to do it. I tried to look at her face but it was impossible, her face, as everyone else's was turned to the jazz singer on the stage. I inhaled deeply and looked at our seat. Our hands were both in it and not that far away from each other; maybe if she thought it was weird I could make it look like an accident. It wouldn't be a big deal. I stared at the back of her head, making sure she wouldn't look and caught me in the act. My hand started to move carefully and slowly towards hers. I was almost there when I started to feel a bit scared.
"Not now." I yelled in my head, and forced me not to lose my nerve. I was so close already. I took one more deep breath and finally covered her hand with mine. She didn't turn around but I felt her stiffen a bit for a second, and then she relaxed again. I started to brush my thumb on the back of her hand soothingly, trying to be gentle, I wanted to hold it, really hold her hand. Slowly I turned her hand around and grabbed it successfully. I had done it. I had defeated my fear. I was indeed now the luckiest person alive. Just as I couldn't believe my courage, never had I been so keenly aware of the ability of palm to manufacture sweat, but I was determined to hold that girl's hand for every single second. I squeezed her hand lightly and the world was suddenly pink.
Then she let go of me. I felt deflated. What had happened? She didn't like me? She probably thought I was disgusting, I didn't even realize my sweaty hands could be a problem. What happened now? Was that rejection? What did I need to do now? I felt confused, almost as if someone out of nowhere had just slapped me. I had no idea of what was going on, or how should I faced it.
I looked back at our seat and saw her rubbing her hand against her leg. Then, her hand reached back to grasp mine discreetly intertwining our fingers together and that was it. I am surprised my face didn't break in two at that moment, my smile so big and bright it could have been used in a toothpaste advertisement. I was feeling it, she definitely felt what I was feeling, I was sure of it! I felt a sense of pride invading my chest. That girl, sitting quietly beside me, she was going to be mine. I looked back at the singer who was about to finish his song. I had always been into music, but sometimes there were songs, love songs that I just couldn't understand, sometimes they were too weird, not relatable maybe. Lyrics weren't as clear as I would have wished. But then, with Chloe's hand tightly between mine and her sweet scent in my nose, every love song I had ever heard suddenly made sense.
The night came to an end sooner than I would have liked it to. One moment we were chatting happily in that fancy restaurant while having a luscious dinner, with my fingers tightly wrapped around Chloe's, and next thing I knew, we were getting out of the cab in front of my building.
I was surprised when I saw that everyone was getting down and not just me.
-Tonight's lovely. I think we are going to walk from here. - Mr. Beale remarked answering my silent question whilst grabbing his wife's hand.
-Thank you for coming with us Beca, it has been a delightful evening. - Mrs. Beale spoke smiling at me.
-Thank you Mrs. Beale, I'm glad you invited me. - I replied as politely as I could.
-Well, I think we are going to buy some milk for tomorrow's breakfast. - Mr. Beale said while pointing to the store in the corner of the block. –We'll be quick, it'll give you time so you can say your goodbyes.-
Mrs. and Mr. Beale waved at me and started walking hand in hand towards the store. I felt a shiver in my spine. I had been left alone with Chloe.
-So, I'm happy you could come with us. - Chloe started shyly.
-I'm happy you asked me to come. - I responded looking intently at her eyes.
She seemed so perfect then. I'm not sure why, but in the dark night, being only illuminated by the dusky and flickering street light, she looked her best. It was still a mystery to me how could I be so mesmerized just by seeing her. I was easily engulfed by those light blue eyes; they shined more than the freaking stars if that was even possible. How could she be so perfect? I wondered every time. It didn't make sense. If I started analyzing Chloe Beale to her very core I may have found that she was like any other girl. Except she wasn't.
-It would have been very boring if you. - I cut her off.
I don't know exactly how I decided I was going to do it but I did. It was spontaneous and inevitable. I couldn't just not try and kiss her if she was looking so precious. I was melting on my spot and I thought that maybe I would melt in a literal way if I didn't touch her lips with mine.
I closed my eyes and got on my toes so I could reach her face and just gave her a gentle kiss that lasted less than three seconds. I couldn't get over how soft and warm her lips were and how it was much more than what I was expecting and then I realized just how bad I've been wanting to do that. It had been just a peck but in those three seconds I thought that my life had changed forever. I was a bit inexperienced (it was my first kiss) so I didn't even touch her. When it ended I got back on my heels and bliss took over me, I had a goofy smile on my face and my eyes were half lidded lazily. I felt a tingling sensation on my lips, as if they were remembering how Chloe's felt over them; I just wanted to memorize the shape of her rosy mouth. I was just so smitten it wasn't even funny.
I got out of my trance as I studied her features. She didn't look "delighted" (which I had really hoped would be the effect of my kiss), nor pleased. She looked surprised. I wouldn't even say she seemed happily surprised. Just confused.
I felt my throat go dry, my eyes wide and my smile became quite nervous. Then I realized what I just had done. I had kissed her. Out of the blue. I mean I thought she wanted it? She was just too kind to me, and she seemed interested. I thought. I hoped. Had I done the right thing? Had she actually wanted me to kiss her? Was it everything just a figment of my imagination? What had happened? I started moving my right foot with anxiety waiting for her to say something. But she didn't, her cheeks were painfully red, her mouth was slightly open, and her eyes were big as saucers, a weird spark behind them.
"Maybe I'm a bad kisser" I thought, feeling my neck curiously warm. Maybe it was that. Maybe I smelled bad or she thought I was gross. I really hoped it wasn't that.
She blinked twice and her mouth quivered a bit before she could speak.
-I… I have to go. - And then she just left in the direction her parents went. I stared at her back while she was walking away, and every step she took felt like it was over my heart. I saw her getting reunited with her parents and the three of them disappeared in the shadows of the street. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
I didn't know exactly what had happened and it worried me to no end. I felt my chest clenching achingly while I went over everything that had happened. She didn't love me? I knew it was possible, but the possibility never felt more real. The thought perturbed my stomach. I arrived to my apartment quietly not looking up from the floor and went into my room dragging my feet with depression. Daniel hadn't arrived home yet and I could use the solace for a bit.
I lay down on my bed without even bothering to take my clothes off and stared at the ceiling. My heart had just been ripped from my chest with an axe. Tears slowly started to form in my eyes. I whined trying to hold them in. It was the greatest anguish I've ever felt. I didn't know loving someone could be so… lacerating. My head throbbed, making it difficult to concentrate on anything. I was a blur. Not being able to hold my tears any longer I started crying. I mean I would like to say I was crying, but in reality I was wailing like a little baby. The sound of my sobs was the best reflect of the misery I was going through. I felt so weak.
The worse thing about my distress was that I didn't even know for sure what was wrong. Was I weeping over the fact that I was starting to believe that Chloe Beale didn't feel the same way I did? Could it be that she didn't say anything after I kissed her? Or maybe it had been the way she looked at me what had me agonizing? Even if it was any of these things or something totally different I couldn't grasp how it could affect me that much. I knew that she could make me elated, jumping with joy at the mere sight of her, but I never did realize just how much power she had to make me feel tortured.
Wasn't love the greatest thing ever? Wasn't it supposed to make you feel mighty? To help you feel that you could do anything? That your strengths were much greater than your weaknesses? I really believed that, because that was what she had made feel. And it was reinforced by all those cheesy, but still amazing, love songs that explained exactly the magic sensation I underwent whenever our eyes met. But now, in those bitter moments I was feeling the other side of love. I was looking at the concept from a whole different perspective, and while the first one was bright and jubilant, the second seemed sullen and oppressive. I had never felt such sorrow it scared me. I felt my stomach getting upset. Did heartbreak actually trigger some sort of sickness? I got up from my bed as quickly as I could and dashed to my bathroom. Once there I got on my knees facing the toilet and leaned in emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl. My belly was still trembling when I finished. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and sighed, the tears already stopped dripping from my orbs.
This thing had somehow shattered my heart to pieces and ruined my digestive process. I suddenly got angry. Why the hell had I let myself feel like this? What right did Chloe Beale have to make me feel like this? I was pissed, I wanted to run into the wall and hit my head repeatedly against it for being so stupid. This love shit had done nothing but pierced my life. Before these absurd emotions had invaded my mind I was happy, I enjoyed life and had lots of fun, no one had enough influence on me to make me feel this miserable, let alone a girl, not even pretty girls, not even redheads, not even blue eyed angels. Because Chloe was so much more than that, despite being nothing special, except she was. And that was what was really killing me. She was beautiful, smart, and had a very kind heart, but still I couldn't find what it was that made her so special to me, I couldn't grasp how could she be so different to anyone I had ever met before?
I didn't know and frankly at that moment I wasn't very inclined to find out.
I did what any desolated chap would have done, and notice I'm talking about boys here. I didn't call her that weekend and spent the whole time locked up in my room drowning in self-pity. I know it sounds pathetic but I really couldn't help it. I had been dejected, and it sure as hell didn't feel good.
The hours went by tortuously slow and I just stopped noticing how time went by. Sometimes it felt like hours and I realized just a few minutes had gone by. Sometimes it happened the other way around. However I was never right about how long it had been since the last time I was conscious. I slept irregularly for two straight days, not knowing when I fell asleep to begin with. During my grieving I heard Daniel knocking on my door a couple of times, and I just yelled to be left alone in response. He didn't bother me much after that, letting me get lost on my despair. He knew I would talk when I was ready. Someday.
When I woke up Monday morning my eyes still felt heavy, but I knew I had to go to school, if I skipped Daniel would have had my head. So gathering all my strength, I got up weakly and did my morning ritual. I was aware I was going to see Chloe later at school, and the thought was not the most exciting thing ever, but I also knew that I had to face her sooner or later and maybe it would hurt less if it was done swiftly like ripping a band aid. When I finished getting ready I stared at my face in the mirror. My eyes were still a bit puffy and red, but they were definitely no as swollen and blood-shot as they had been the night before. It had been the worst weekend of my life, and it could turn into a horrible week, but I had to do something about it, I wouldn't let Chloe Beale make me feel like shit anymore. So, after breathing deeply a couple of times and muttering words of encouragement to myself, I strapped my bag to my back and left.
a/N: There's not much left, maybe three more chapters guys! I know that Beca's "reaction" may seem a bit exaggerated, but don't we tend to do that at that age? Think that after something like that the end of the world is coming? Hope you liked it! Cheers!