Chapter Ten: Centre Stage

"Lillianna, you were so wonderful up on stage, simply marvellous love," her mother said approvingly.

Giving her mother a short nod, she smiled. Little did she know that this smile would soon become like poetry in motion for everyone. Shrugging slightly, Lily got inside the car and waited for her mother to get into the front seat as well.

Her father sat in the front, having whipped out his newspaper after the performance. Weeks on end of her training for this performance—as small and minor as third grade performances were—and all he could show was false pride in the presence of proud yet conceited teachers as support for his youngest daughter.

It was slightly infuriating, but it also told volumes to Lily. It told her all she needed to do to impress this man that could not be impressed who was her father. More work, more effort, more practice, more prestige—that's what she needed. This man would not simply support flimsy little school plays—regardless of her leading role or not, much to the ire of the other students.

It told Lily she wasn't good enough.

Mother on the other hand was easiest of all to please. Lily could simply stand and breathe and her mother would be pleased with her. It was simple to have her mother dote on her—and her sister was quite pleased as well. At least not shamed to call Lily Evans kin to them both.

"Richard, don't you have anything to say to Lily?" her mother asked in a slightly demanding tone. Simply amazing how that woman could have that man whipped like a puppy but yet retain his airy nature.

Putting his paper down, he folded it neatly and lay it at his side. Leaning back, he lightly kissed her on the head. You did good, but not good enough. "Fantastic, love, I'm proud of you." Proud, but not very proud.

Petunia came into the car next and hugged Lily quickly and tightly. "Lily! That was wonderful! I'm sure you had all the boys' attentions!"

Petunia was already in seventh grade and Lily could hardly find herself able to relate to her sister any longer. Pleasantries had become common between the two were and generally acted out accordingly in front of their parents—even at home. It had been long since that sisterly bond had shattered just like Petunia's lamp that one night she was reading Lily a story.

'Queer' and 'unnatural' were common phrases said offhandedly when not in the presence of others. Nonetheless, they were still sisters and it was proper to show sisterly support for each other—no matter how troubled or black the waters may be.

"Thanks all," Lily said quietly.

Really, it was an insignificant role; anyone could do it if they practiced enough. Enough rehearsals and you could pretty much fake your way through anything. Just like that role up on stage, Lily felt fake. Nearly nine and she knew that she was already not good enough to match standards. That was all that smiles were; they were smiling at how inadequate she was. Like one over par on a golf course, she was one under what she was supposed to be.

"Lillianna, tomorrow you know about the recital, yes? Petunia, are you coming? That Charles boy has been asking for you," she said airily, showing her disapproval of Petunia's newest crush. Eleven and in love; what foolishness; her sister was a fool.

A slow smile graced her face. "I don't think so, mother, Kathryn and Bella want me for shopping that day. May I go with them instead?"

Lily could tell that her mother eased up at this alternative and a smile could be seen on her face from the rear view mirror. "Of course. Be home for supper and no later than five." It was a common curfew that Lily heard often, but supper was at five which made her mother speak inaccurate rubbish. Petunia never really listened much to curfews and her parents were far too busy to care. Notes and money for delivery was their meal. "Oh, Richard, could you drop me off at the office instead, I've some business to take care of there. I won't be home for supper, so just start without me. Lillianna, I'm afraid I have to cancel our get together this Sunday, something came up at work and I haven't any time. I'm so sorry, love."

Lily smiled comfortingly at her mother. "It's okay, I understand."

It was always this way and Lily simply accepted that her mother's second husband was her job and nothing could get in between that—not even her real marriage to her father. A company couldn't manage itself—especially when its owner was a lawyer as well working for a separate firm.

After their mother was dropped off, a stony silence filled the car until they got home. A few flecks of rain dropped onto the windshield and her father turned on the window wipers. Even Petunia was staying unnaturally silent today—where she would be—usually—yapping her head off about something at school or someone at school. Once they got home, they all headed inside and Lily only just entered the doorway and just before the arch that led into their living room.

It was too late. She had tasted the rain on her skin and her only thoughts were to escape into it—where she was alone and away from all her inadequacies and imperfections. A place away from standards and not being good enough.

Making a slow effort to eventually join her elder sister and father, Lily saw as her father retreated to his study to work and her sister fled easily to her room. With only one boot off, Lily quickly put it back on and ripped off her coat as she ran back outside and closed the door behind her. Running in the rain—her red pigtails flying as they soaked through from England's heaviest rainy season—Lily headed for the nearby park. Puddles were already forming on the ground and her boots splashed sloppily as she ran through them, eventually stopping by the small stream and pond that the park had been built by.

Slowing down, Lily kept going as she continued to trudge through, eventually hitting the water and wading through it to the other side to a small, secluded island where no one could see her. Sitting down in the wet grass, Lily shivered and looked up at the sky, hugging her knees to her chest for warmth.

Out here, she had no one. Out here nothing came to bother her with expectations—constantly reminding herself of how imperfect she was. Nothing came to bother her and pester her about her imperfections and how she simply was not good enough or even break standard. Out here, she had nothing, and in that nothingness she found the rain. Her thoughts came clearly in the rain, analyzing every part of her useless existence if she could not use it to please anyone.

Lily always had an innate desire to please people—truly please them—at the expense of herself. If others were happy around her, she was doing good, the standard was met and everyone was happy. It didn't matter if she was happy or not—so long as everyone else was happy because of her. Happiness could go a long way into deceit and lies—but it went a long way in the overall matter and that was all that mattered.

Shivering slightly, Lily sneezed and knew she would wake up with a cold tomorrow morning. It was a shame too—her father would be home tomorrow and he would have to spend it taking care of her. Then again, maybe not—he would probably be called in for work as well. Both her parents owned separate companies—who competed with each other. They both used to work at home, but it became odd and work got in the way so her mother opted to start working in the office—where she now just as well both worked and lived.

Whenever they were both working and Petunia was set to 'watch' Lily, this spot would generally be where she was. The other kids didn't know about this secluded area where she could watch them all play and have fun without her. It was the perfect place she could watch anyone and everyone who came to this park.

Thunder rocked the sky and the ripples on the lake became like turbulence as the rain pounded harder—starting to give Lily a headache that throbbed as loudly as it rained. Holding a hand up by her head, she felt her temple and could feel that she was already getting sick from just sitting out here, on the cold wet grass that was soaking through her jeans. The cold rain washed through her hair and fell in small rivulets down her face.

Suddenly, the rain around her stopped, as if she was being shielded by something and Lily turned to see her temporary saviour from the rain. A slight frown graced her face as she had looked up into a scowl as her sister leered down at her.

"You'll be sick by morning, Lillianna, get out of this wretched rain. Don't you know that rain brings about illness if you sit in it too long? Of all people you should know that."

Lily didn't say anything in reply, but got up and followed her sister as she turned on her heel to quickly walk away. The sound of the rain and the occasional sound of Petunia cursing as the water splashed onto her muddied jeans was all that could be heard. Once they reached the house, she threw open the door.

"Mother! Your delinquent daughter has finally been brought back home!" she spat derisively as she tore her shoes and coat off and ran upstairs.

Lily just stood in the doorway of the warm house—looking up and around hazily, as if this house wasn't hers and she was in some surreal reality. The faint smells of food wafted in from the kitchen, but they were not warm and she guessed that dinner was already cold by now. The fireplace in the living room held no fire and a musty haze of smoke filled the room—suggesting that her father had already retired back to working in that isolated room. It said that her mother was in the kitchen, waiting for Lily to walk in.

Slowly taking off her shoes, she looked herself over in the full-length mirror nearby and found that she was synonymous to a drowned rat. Despite her pitiful appearance, she walked on the warm carpet and stepped onto the marble kitchen floor, standing in the archway as she caught a full glance of her mother sitting at the kitchen table, working.

There was a studious look on her face, absent of all the usual motherly sentiments that shone so brightly on her beautiful face. Beautiful locks of red hair were let loose from their strict ponytail for once and framed the picture perfect mother that sat at the mostly cleared off dinner table. Mostly cleared off in that there was only one place, one set of cutlery and dishes, left that was still set up and prepared to accept one more at the table.

Lily.

After a few more seconds, her mother looked up and the studious look changed. It did not change to represent anything motherly at all. It shone of cold brilliance and disappointment. It was the face of frustration as a faint frown marred the otherwise beautiful face of her mother.

"Lily… sit down and eat. You'll catch a cold out in the rain."

Lily, I'm very disappointed in you… again.

These words had been said to her so many times that hearing them once more didn't matter. The underlying meaning still hurt, and that was what mattered. The implications of those words that weren't face value had long ago brought deep wounds that continued to bleed.

Obediently, Lily sat down and her mother took her plate, filled it with food, and served it—as hot and fresh as if Lily was eating with everyone else.

The fireplace was out, her father was working, her mother was working, and Petunia was on the phone. This meal represented everything that the current situation was not. The heat in the food was fresh, but it lingered of a time when she should've been here. The time that this meal represented was gone only hours before.

"I worry about you, love. Why do you do this to us? To me? Is it not enough that we've given you so much already? Is this not enough for you? Do you need more?" Her mother sighed and ran a hand through her long deep red locks. "You're such a disappointment sometimes. Please, just finish your meal and go to sleep. Tomorrow we'll go do something—together—and later in the evening I can drop you off at the psychiatrist before work. Your father will pick you up at seven."

Lily nodded as her mother cleared up her papers and moved her working site—leaving Lily alone. Once her mother was fully gone and not even traces of her perfume could be noticed, Lily turned her head sideways to look out the sliding door windows and out at the deck as the rain hit it and splashed against the surface. The rain had gotten harder and louder since returning home and she realized that she only just missed the storm. The calm heavy rain she was out in before was like a drizzle compared to the water that now came in torrents.

The dark, stormy night looked angry, and Lily thought that this was what her mother must be feeling underneath all that fairly quiet, restrained motherly sentiment. It was all inadequate and it was here Lily first realized that she, herself, was also inadequate. No one expected anything of her because they realized she was incapable of such things. Excelling was natural for her, but Lily could never be expected to do anything else. In such an inwardly dysfunctional family, things like expectations were hardly considered. In such an outwardly functional and loving family, things like expectations were never expected because they were always outwardly exceeded.

In such a family implied feelings of anger, despair, pride and achievement were common.

"I'm… such a failure to everyone."

To please herself, to please her parents, to please her sister, to please them all; she would become great and they would be proud of Lily Evans.

To My Reviewers:

Hey, thanks everyone, I truly appreciate the possibly five minutes you take out of your day to review for me.

Gavin: Yes, yes I do write like this. On and off I'll change where the story is happening to somewhere else and then back again. Trust me, when I have a mental block on chapters, I'll announce it to the world.

Stormy: Hmm. Well, I can't really tell you. And the way it looks to be progressing you'll just have to wait and see.

Comments:

Boo. I didn't like this chapter. AT ALL. It was a horror to write and I rewrote it about three times before something half-legible came out. To say the least, I'm pretty bitter about how it finally turned out. All I can really say is that Lily has pretty messed up relations with everyone. If you didn't like this chapter either, it's okay because I hated it; but that's all up to you now, isn't it?

Please R&R.

- Minute Maid

Beverage of Queens