D-ranks, Naruto realized as he watched granny Mikoto pinch and squeeze Kyōya's cheeks for the fifth time, were the real reason jōnin-sensei volunteered to take the thankless job of teaching a pack of moody preteens.
Perched upon a tree, he lazily turned another page of his Italian coursebook—Iemitsu's phone calls were full of foreign-sounding noise, plus he was in desperate need of a sane hobby—soaking up the grunts of young labor and misery below. Distracting the little brats from his stupid nin-animal/summon slip of the tongue by dangling the idea of shinobi missions in front of their cute, eager faces had been a stroke of genius.
The sweet grandmas were delighted to have help with their gardens—and grandbabies, and lost pets, and grocery shopping—the little brats suffered a daily dose of their own medicine, and Naruto was getting the entertainment he'd been sorely missing. No, it was all for a good cause, really. What had his useless father called it again? Ah, yes, an important formative experience.
He had even split the little brats into two official teams. Team A for Awesome consisted of the Kyō duo plus Takeshi and were heavy assault front-liners with a touch of espionage. Team B for Brains&Brawn was made up of the anti-Kyō duo plus Ryōhei and specialized in tactics, intelligence, and sabotage.
The kids had eaten it all up...until the true nature of D-rank missions cruelly revealed itself. His camera had been working overtime since that glorious morning. Naruto had so far filled up half an album, a fact he never failed to remind them. Their attempts at stealing it were adorable—good practice, too. Hana's and Tetsuya's combined efforts, especially. These two had a knack for devious, convoluted plans that ranged from plying him with ramen to divert his attention, to henge-ing into his camera and substituting with it, to breaking into his home in the dead of night. It was hella nostalgic...and, like Team Seven before them, doomed to fail in hilariously embarrassing ways.
He knew, though, something's gotta give. D-ranks were fine for building bonds and cohesion in genin teams, but his brats had that in excess, not to mention half of them were edging toward chūnin-level competency and battle prowess. If he didn't move them up to C-ranks soon, there would be spectacular explosions all around, starting with Kyōya's temper.
What kind of C-ranks was Naruto's issue. He'd have unleashed them on the local yakuza, if he hadn't...used them as a means of venting for years. Nowadays, the scum of Namimori took one look at him and ran in the other direction screaming for mommy. No way would the fucking cowards sit still for the kids to play with them. Maybe they could be good for tracking experience, but once caught it would be game over and pleas for mercy again. Where was the challenge in that?
(On a brighter note, crime was at an all-time low in peaceful Namimori, but nobody could explain why. The police were too terrified of the Kyō duo to put a mark on their record. All reports were read once, given performance ratings—which Tetsuya collected after damage control—then destroyed with extreme prejudice.)
Naruto had been thinking of consulting Fon when the man inadvertently solved his issue by sending two mafiosi to his doorstep.
The last thing Naruto expected to find when he returned home after granny Mikoto's roses had been pruned and watered was two foreigners in classy Italian suits casually sitting on his front porch.
Silently, he appraised the pair, taking note of everything that stood out about them. You think they're Vongola? A smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth. Maybe Nonno Timo came back for more?
Kurama snorted. Could be. I detect no ill intent at least.
"Hello, Naruto-kun. I am Aria of the Giglio Nero famiglia," the dark-haired woman with the orange pacifier cheerfully said, standing up and smoothing down her skirt, as if she hadn't been waiting for him to come home for who knew how long. Then, without missing a beat, she shoulder checked the man beside her. Hard. "And this is Gamma, my subordinate."
The man with the slicked-back blond hair, now identified as Gamma, made an aborted move to rub his abused arm, a hushed litany of basta, violent woman and why do you always go for the arm and you're gonna cripple me one of these days escaping his lips.
So not Vongola. And if they weren't Timoteo's associates, and were aware of his 'nickname', they could only be, "Fon's acquaintances, I presume?"
She snapped her fingers, winking at him. "Got it in one! May we come in?"
"That depends." Naruto hummed low in his throat, dredging up what little information Fon had shared regarding his fellow Arcobaleno. "You're the one with the foresight, right?"
Aria's smile widened. "Fon told you about that, huh?"
In response to the confirmation of her abilities, Naruto's face blanked. "I will let you into my home on one condition." Eyes boring into hers, he said, grave and one hundred percent serious, "Promise to never ask me to father your children."
Because Naruto remembered Shion, and the brainless promise his teenaged self had made her, and Hinata's saccharine smile when the priestess showed up one day to demand he fulfill it, and the nasty catfight and two months of blue balls that ensued, and that had been a clusterfuck of epic proportions. So he ignored the pair's gaping jaws and carried on as if the sky was blue, the sea was wet, and Naruto was a prime candidate to be her baby daddy.
"You need a daughter to inherit the gift and continue the line, right? Well, this guy is not gonna be it, nuh-uh. No fucking way."
It took two whole minutes for Aria to gather her wits. "Cute, but you're not really my type," she drawled out, tone thick with sarcasm, but not before sneaking a surreptitious, loaded glance at Gamma.
"Heh, I see how it is." It was Naruto's turn to wink at her, sly and insinuating all kinds of things. "Come on in. Kā-san would love some female company. You'll stay for lunch, right?"
"We'd love to." Aria laughed, following him inside, a sputtering, red-faced Gamma on her heels.
After introducing them to Nana who was indeed ecstatic to host them for lunch—with no questions asked, the poor, mindfucked woman, he'd get to the bottom of this if it was the last thing he did—Naruto led them to his room.
"So." Setting the tray down, he poured three cups of green tea, and sat cross-legged on the cushion opposite from them. "I'm guessing you're here about that thing around your neck. What can you tell me about the creator?"
Aria blew on her cup, taking a slow sip. "Not much I'm afraid. Unlike the other Arcobaleno, I inherited the pacifier directly from my mother, so I never even met the guy. But what I can tell you about is the history of the Trinisette."
She then launched into a ridiculous story about the foundation of the world and the balance that must be maintained and the rings of power that made Naruto want to facepalm at the stupidity of it all. Like, who the fuck goes I'mma make me some rings and enslave some humans, yes, that is the answer.
Sauron, that's who. Kurama quipped with the air of someone who had read that story before and rooted for the villain.
Naruto gave in and facepalmed. I'm glad you've been expanding your literary horizons, really, I am. It's a great improvement from the dark days of tabloid talk shows. But now's not the time, Kurama.
"Whatever you're thinking of doing is going to work. It's why I'm here, actually," Aria was saying, eyes too blue and vast like the ocean and gazing beyond the present. "I've seen it, the future, and it's beautiful."
A sigh filled with longing slipped past her lips. "Don't know when it'll happen, but it will, that much I can tell you." Then she smiled an unbearably tender smile and locked those deep-blue eyes with his. "I wanted to be the first to thank you for giving me the chance to spare my future daughter from this curse."
"Yeah, sure, you're welcome, I guess." Naruto drew his gaze away, uncomfortable as hell, because he hadn't even done anything yet. The moment was way too emotional for him—he had to break it somehow, and all his mind could come up with was, "But just to be clear here, that would be the daughter I'm not going to father, yeah? 'Cause I've got enough kids as it is, and I didn't even get to enjoy making them."
The sound of porcelain hitting the floor echoed dully in the silence. Gamma turned to Aria, radiating disbelief and a sort of futile hope. "Are you absolutely sure this kid is our only chance of breaking the curse, boss?"
"Excuse me?" Naruto hissed, mock-offended and playing it up because this guy had please tease me written all over his face and who was he to deny him. "I'll have you know I've been pulling miracles outta my ass, ending wars, rescuing princesses, saving worlds, beating gods, and kicking ass long before you were even a twinkle in your daddy's eye, kid."
Flabbergasted, Gamma stared at him while the seconds dragged on, as if unable to reconcile what he was hearing with what he was seeing, then must have realized he'd never win against Naruto's brand of insanity and it was better to just agree with the crazy kid. "If you say so," he muttered.
"I do say so." Naruto raised his chin, magnanimous like a king indulging a simple-minded commoner, which sent Gamma into another round of sputtering. Man, this guy made it so easy. "Now, about this...famiglia thing. What can you tell me about the Vongola? It is a famiglia, yeah?"
Now this appeared to resurrect Gamma's fighting spirit. "Your daddy didn't tell you?"
It was one part smug, one part bemused, and yeah, Naruto would be feeling the same in his place. Still didn't mean he'd let him get away with it.
"Hit a nerve there, huh?" He chuckled and, for maximum effect, gave them an inside joke they'd never get in a million years. "But to answer your question, Iemitsu lives in an ideal world of polar bears and tuna fish where the answer to life's problems is mindfuckery and shitty seals."
Gamma just gazed at him, speechless. Huh, maybe he broke him? Aria was the one to articulate what they were both thinking.
"What."
"Eh, it'll take too long to explain, but let's just say he's not too keen on talking about the family business when he's home."
A different kind of incomprehension entered her gaze. Naruto knew it well—hell, he had patented that look. It was his default you-are-shitting-me look, reserved for all things Iemitsu-related.
"Well, Vongola's down three heirs by now, so he might have to soon." Brows knitted, she licked her lips, probably debating where to start. "Enrico was shot to death a couple years ago, Massimo was drowned last month, and nobody really knows what happened to Xanxus five years ago but rumors are flying about a coup that ended badly. Federico is the only one left, and he was Nono's favored to begin with. With Iemitsu in CEDEF and out of the running, you're next in line if Federico bites the dust, and with the way heirs keep dying one after another..."
Naruto's eyes narrowed at the implications. "You think it's an inside job."
Gamma, who seemed to have recovered both his voice box and nerve, scoffed. "Vongola's security can't be that bad."
Aria simply nodded. "The Varia were pretty pissed when their boss mysteriously vanished, those guys worshiped the ground Xanxus walked on. Plus, Nono's been gutting them these past few years, cutting their budget, restricting their missions, barring them from attending official functions and petty stuff like that. They're supposed to be Vongola's elite independent assassination squad, but there's not been much independence lately..."
Well, when she put it like that... The Uchiha might have been a clan of high-handed assholes—don't even start, Kurama—but there was a reason they were planning to revolt. "So they're more like leashed and muzzled attack dogs now. Smart move, that."
Gamma snorted. "You said it, kid." But for the first time, he smiled at him, a wry twist of lips. "Welcome to the mafia."
Lunch proceeded naturally after that—Nana made lasagna once she heard Italians, that woman was a five-star chef—and it was a total riot, too, with Nana overfilling their plates and chirping about how you're such a cute couple and so when's the wedding and you'll make beautiful babies, Gamma's face being redder than the bolognese sauce, Aria's winks behind his back, and Naruto singing the praises of D-ranks.
"Are your kids any good?" Aria asked out of the blue in the middle of dessert.
It was the reflective gleam in her eyes that alerted Naruto to the coming opportunity. He'd seen that gleam in potential clients for half his life, after all. "You're welcome to come and see them in action. Why?"
"Well..." she began haltingly, as if choosing her words after careful consideration. "Giglio Nero is an old name in our world, so we get the respect we're due, but we're actually a pretty small famiglia. If I wasn't the Sky Arcobaleno, we'd have been dragged into territory disputes ages ago. It always pays to keep your ear to the ground, though. Just in case, you know."
"I hear you." Naruto raised his glass in agreement, aware of where she was going with this and willing to be the first to say it. "Nobody suspects eleven-year-old kids of espionage."
"Exactly." A grin lit up her face at his quick deduction. "So, I might be interested in hiring your services for the summer months. Nothing too dangerous, scoping out the area, intel gathering, some undercover work, that sort of thing. Maybe some security detail, too, if what I see of your kids impresses me. We can set up a contract and everything. Who knows, it might even lead to an alliance later on?"
And oh, there was the political angle he'd been half-expecting, too. Better make sure they were on the same page, though. "You want an alliance with me, not Vongola."
Aria's grin shone brilliantly across her face, as if he had just made her day. "You get an in with the mafia, Giglio Nero stays neutral, and Gamma can show your kids the ropes."
"What?" Gamma all but upended the table as he shot to his feet. Placing his hands on Aria's shoulders, he stared into her eyes with the face of a man who had just been sentenced to life. "Boss, no, please. You can't do this to me."
That face made Naruto's day. A smirk crooked his mouth as he sealed the man's fate. "It'll be good practice, you know, for the future."
"I hate you, kid."
And once Aria saw his brats, all she had to say was, "I'll mail you the contract, Naruto-kun."
Behind them, Gamma let out a wordless cry of horror.
Naruto's smirk grew to a visceral grin as he shook Aria's hand. "Pleasure doing business with you."
One week later, the contract arrived with the added bonus of tickets for a place called Mafia Land. Aria's postscript explained how it was a mafia-only resort and a small token of her gratitude for foreseen events.
For a moment, Naruto wondered if that place was built with shinobi brats in mind, but oh, well, not his problem.
"Pack up your things, brats. We're going on a field trip!"
Mafia Land would never be the same.