Title: Half Empty, Half Full

Rating: MA

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.

Summary: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.

Chapter Ten: Standing Tall

And there I was, my stomach in knots, standing in a motel room bathroom. I looked down at the gun in my hand, sitting on the edge of the tub, my heart beating hard. It had been a while since I held a gun, what was once second nature to me, was suddenly freaking me out. I was my father's daughter after all, the army sniper, who taught me everything I knew. But this time, things were different.

I snapped my head up, a knock on the door. I drew in a deep breath, wondering if I would be able to go through with all of this. I had already promised them the world, now I just had to deliver. "Open up," the voice on the other side of the door said. Chibs. I stood up slowly, opening the door for him. He closed it behind him, leaning against it. I assumed my position back on the edge of the tub, staring up at him. "Gemma just called. Andy is fine. Having breakfast with Thomas and Abel," he said, crossing his arms in front of him. I nodded slowly, feeling some sense of relief at hearing that. "It's almost time," he added. I glanced at the watch on my wrist and nodded, staring at the numbers.

"Be careful," he whispered. Wait a minute... was that some genuine emotion? Did he actually care? "You too," I responded, standing up and facing him. I slid the gun into my waistband and faced him. It was like an explosion happened. We both reached for each other, clawing at each other's chest. I grabbed onto his collar, drawing his mouth to mines.

Moments later we parted, both breathless. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, and smoothed my shirt. "I'm ready," I whispered, breathing in deeply. He nodded, clearing his throat and opening the door. I exited the bathroom after him, Jax and company waiting. I slid into an old hoodie, something to make me look normal, slinging my purse over my shoulder. We exited the motel, me climbing into my rackety car, and them into their van.

We took separate routes, me chain smoking during the 30 minute drive to the warehouse. No suspicion had been raised when I asked for some extra work. I was wiling to travel for the extra money, so no one questioned when I said I would do it. I had kept a clean nose all along, no office gossip about me, so no would look twice.

No one looked twice, when I flashed by Stockton I.D., or when I signed in. It was the weekend, so security looked to be pretty lax. One guard in the front when I drove in, one at the main entrance, signing people in and out. I smiled at him, stopping to joke about how expensive kids were. How I ended up here trying to pay off day care tuition.

We joked for a few minutes, and before I knew it was being walked into the main floor, and was showed my work space. I knew the drill, I had done it before- find and load the boxes into the machine, double check the contents, sign-off on them, close the door, and then press the button. Simple enough.

I spent my first 4 hours, bullshitting. Pressing the button whenever someone walked by. I kept my eye on the clock, as the hour hand neared twelve. "You going for lunch?" The guard asked, as I quickly pressed the incineration button. I shook my head, pointing to the locker room where my bag was stored. "I brought some leftovers. Trying to cut costs as much as possible," I said, standing up from my chair. He nodded and motioned to the exit. "A bunch of us are going to go grab some food down the road. Let us know if you need anything," he said before walking away. I gave him a genuine smile, he was a really nice guy.

I watched as he walked away, reaching into my pocket for my phone when he rounded the corner. "Get into position. A bunch of them are leaving to go get lunch," I said, before hanging up. I grabbed my clipboard, flipping through the list of boxes. I had already pinpointed the ones that would be the most fruitful, leaving those for last. I glanced over my shoulder, as I ran to the side door, the one that led to the trash compactor.

I opened the gate that the garbage trucks pulled into, leaving it slightly ajar. Jax had a guy on city council, probably someone he blackmailed, who gave him the specs of the building. I had the in, and Jax had the how. I ran back into the building, beginning to throw boxes onto a nearby flatbed. As I pushed the flatbed towards the door, it opened, Jax, Happy and Chibs walking through it.

I hadn't laid eyes on him since the last time I was in town. I averted his eyes, pushing the flatbed through the doors. "Grab the boxes with the red stickers," I said over my shoulder, meeting Bobby at the truck. "Go!" He said, grabbing the flatbed from me and beginning to load the truck. I ran back into the building, pointing out more boxes to be loaded. I glanced at my watch and curse. "We have 25 minutes before lunch is over. Move!" I said, passing them more boxes.

I ran out to the truck, a box in tow. "Get the truck running. You guys will need to move, fast!" I said to Bobby, handing him the box. He nodded, slinging it into the back and then running to the front of the truck. I breathed a sigh of relief, it was almost over. We had gotten in, and were almost done. We had made it.

As I walked back into the building, everything moved in slow motion. There was the security guard, gun out, pointed at Happy's head. They glanced at each other, standing still with their hands in the air. They hadn't noticed me yet, as I slipped behind the machines and hid myself. I reached into my waistband, pulling out the gun I had stashed there. Here it was, the moment I was sure would eventually come. I was going to dig myself into a deeper hole than I was already in. I stared at the gun, taking off the safety and drawing in a deep breath. I had to save Happy. This time I choose him.

My hands shook slightly, as I crept around the machines and re-appeared behind him. I swore my heart was about to come out of my chest, as I approached him. My ears, blood pumped loudly in them, as I raised my gun. I didn't even feel the kickback of the gun, as I felt his body slump to the ground. There he was, dead at my feet, his blood on my face. I stared at his body wide-eyed. The security guard with the kid he was trying to put through college. Nearby lay a neatly wrapped sandwich.

I couldn't falter now, I told myself. I had to survive this, someway, somehow. The watch on my wrist beeped, notifying me I had 5 minutes before the lunch hour was up. "Load him into the machine," I whispered, picking up my gun. Jax appeared at my side, taking the gun from my hand. I wiped my face, walking over to the desk and picking up my clipboard. I sat back down at my stool, and signed-off on the boxes loaded onto the truck. Picturing Happy's eyes starting at me. As if nothing happened.

I watched as they placed him the machine, removing his wallet, cellphone, keys, and gun. I was the one that slid the door shut, and pushed the button, as SAMCRO made their escape. I watched in the little window, as the flames consumed him. As he burned until nothing but ashes was left. When the room cooled down, I was the one that swept him up and poured him into the garbage can. I threw garbage on top of him, to hide my crime. And then I sat back down at my desk, and stared at my clipboard. Checking off boxes that didn't even matter. I had just killed a man that mattered.

I can't even express the stillness that filled me. The dark, heavy heart I carried that day, as I picked my son up from Gemma's. There I stood, in her perfect kitchen, a fake smile plastered on my face. I hugged Andy tight that night, needing to be reassured that there was some good still in my life. And as I laid him down to sleep, I drew in his smell, that sweet baby smell. There was some good in my life, it just wasn't me.

I sat on the back porch, a joint in one hand, a bottle of whiskey in another. I needed to stop the waves going on in my head. I needed to not remember today. "It will get easier," he said, appearing out of the darkness. Jax walked onto my porch, sitting down on the chair beside me. "I'm sure it will," I said, realizing that in the last 3 months, I had already killed 2 men. "I seem to be on a roll," I added, taking a long drag.

"Thank you for what you did today. The club appreciates it," he said. I scoffed, staring out into the darkness. Really, the club appreciates it?! Oh geez, if I had known that I would've killed someone for you a long time ago. I nodded, needing this night to be over already. "Give him time, he'll weaken. He's just hurting right now," he whispered. I sat still, my heart pumping fast. "He'll never love me again," I whispered back, biting my bottom lip.

Jax stood up and walked down the porch step. My mind was already hazy from the weed. "He doesn't need to know. It's none of my business. I can bite my tongue if you ask me to," he said, walking away. But I knew it was all a part of his game, of how we worked. He would keep my secret, until I stopped being useful. "Until you need something from me," I replied, but he was already long gone. I sat out there for a while, my mind coming and going.

When I entered the kitchen, I found Chibs sitting there, in the dark. How long was I out there for? How fucked up am I that I didn't hear him come in? "You can't keep doing this. Coming and going how you please," I said, the liquor and weed giving me courage. "I'm done playing this game. You can't just take when you want." Yeah, right! I knew better than that. All he had to do was snap his fingers, and my panties would fall off.

I didn't expect a response from him. I just shuffled through the kitchen, talking to myself as I grabbed a beer from the fridge. "You're such a miserable old fucking man, that you can't muster more than 7 words to me. 7 God damn words! Is that all that I am worth to you?" By this time, I was ranting and raving. I was on a roll and wasn't anywhere near stopping. I sat down at the table, slamming my beer on it.

"Just tell me if I have any chance, would you? Either fucking love me or stop fucking me! I cannot keep doing this, hanging on to your every move. Never knowing where the fuck I stand with you," I barked. He continued to stare at me, which only pissed me off more. It was like talking to a brick wall. I don't know at which point I began to cry quietly, tears streaming down my face. This was not the look I was going for. I was aiming for drunk and strong, not belligerent and crying. "My life is on hold. Never settling down long enough to forget you. I need to just... just be happy, " I yelled, slamming my hand down on the table.

As the silence set in heavier, my head was already beginning to thump with the migraine that was sure to rear it's ugly head any time now. I put my head down on the table and closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down. Why did I do this to myself? Why was he this all consuming piece of my life? I was begging him to let me go. I was tired of everything. At this very moment, the hurt I felt from breaking things off with Happy was turning into joy. I could not expose him any longer to the feeling I was currently wrapped up in.

I lifted my head up, wiping my tears away. "Get out," I stammered, embarrassed at myself. How could I act this way? I was here trying to prove myself, not pity him into getting back with me. "Get out," I repeated, standing up from the table and pointing to the door. He nodded, standing up and walking towards the living room. I watched him walk and then stop, his shoulders dropping. "Are you saying that you don't want me?" He whispered, his hand gripping the doorway.

"Not like this I don't," I whispered, my voice even, my body shaking. I would be okay if you turned around and held me, if you told me you loved me, but you had to give me a little fight. "I know this isn't easy, Jessie. I just can't... I can't let you back in," he whispered back. I heard him draw in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I knew it was killing him to even show this much emotion towards me.

I stood tall, crossing my arms over my chest. "I'm not asking you to let me back in. I am begging you to either let me go or to love me. I know I left you when you needed me the most. I gave up on us, but I am back now, and I am not going anywhere. You either need to accept that or let me move on with my life." But wasn't that all the same thing? Didn't I want him to acknowledge my existence, to make love to me, to make us a home again? I still wanted it all, but only if he wanted me too.

I heard him draw in another deep breath, his back still facing me. "I could never let you go, you are a part of me, you belong to me. But I could never... You took from me... something that I didn't know I had. I trusted you. I close my eyes, and all I picture, all I feel is coming home to another empty house. To feeling alone again." My breath caught in my throat as I heard his voice. I hurt him, in ways that I didn't know. We couldn't come back from this.

I watched him walk out of the house, the silence deafening. I stood there in that very same spot for what felt like forever, the front door wide open, as if waiting for him to come back. There I was, waiting. For once, I understood what he felt all that time. He was waiting for me to come back to him, and I didn't.