To say Quinn was on Cloud Nine would be an understatement. All her nerves were buzzing and her cheek muscles hurt from holding down a grin. She'd worked far too hard to retain her aloof HBIC attitude to have it ruined by a role in a school musical.
Granted, the glee kids probably knew how much of a dork she could be when winning show choir tournaments, but they wouldn't dare spread that information. Not if they valued they're lives.
Finn's reaction to the news dampened her spirits slightly as he relentlessly whined on about how she might have to kiss Sam or at least dance with him loads and that was 'totally not cool'. She was starting to get a headache from rolling her eyes so much.
"Finn, it's just a school play. Mr Shue probably only cast him over you because there's no conceivable way you could win a dance competition."
Far from reassuring him, her response set him off on some sulky silence as he trudged down the hall. She knew there must have been some reason why she had tried so hard to get him back but in moments like these she really couldn't see it.
The one person she really wanted to share the moment with seemed to have disappeared into thin air, which wasn't improving her spirits. Luckily she'd only have to wait until after class to see him in glee. Not that she was counting down the minutes or anything.
Obviously, time had to pass extra slow during Math and Quinn's nails were practically raw from repressed excited energy. She wanted to start rehearsals now - screw glee. She wanted to learn the choreography and put on the 50s dresses or Sandy's catsuit and dominate the stage. Maybe she could convince Ray to come over and sing some of the songs at the top of their lungs like they used to in Middle School.
Reel it in, Fabray. The voice in her head sounded eerily like Sue Sylvester. You're starting to look like a geeky five year old.
Quinn pulled her ponytail tight and straightened her pose just as the bell rang. Dropping her composure in a heartbeat she rushed to the choir room, ready to see Ray's eager form sitting on the seating bank as if he never left.
It took her a second to realise the down turned head staring at his phone did not belong to the boy in question, but was decidedly blonder. He looked up as she entered and his face took on his signature lopsided grin. Before he could even open his (rather large) mouth, words fell out of hers.
"Where's Ray?"
There was a moments silence in which blush crept steadily into her cheeks.
"I mean because he's always here freakishly early..." Nice save.
Sam suddenly looked concerned and slightly guilty, which wasn't a great sign.
"He texted me saying he wasn't feeling well - stomach bug apparently. His dad insisted he went home."
It was obvious Sam didn't believe a word he was relating but Quinn couldn't exactly press him for information. That would make her seem concerned about Ray. Which she was, obviously, but that didn't mean everyone else had to know.
Interrupting her complex mind politics, her phone buzzed.
I'm very sorry I didn't get to congratulate you on your role. You deserve it. R
Quinn felt the urge to grin like an idiot but kept it in check. At this rate she was going to explode when she got home.
After shooting off a quick thanks, she sat down in the seat next to Sam. Despite how aggravatingly puppy-like he could be, she supposed she should probably get to know her co-star a little better. Keeping her body and face turned to the front so as not to seem interested in anything Sam might say, she waited for him to inevitably start the conversation.
"Well done on getting Sandy." There we go. "You deserve it."
Somewhere in the back of her mind Quinn noted how the same words coming from Sam hadn't had the same effect.
"Thanks. You too."
There was another pregnant pause and Quinn was thinking she might have to come up with a topic just to save them both from this discomfort. She opened her mouth to ask about his extracurriculars but her words were cut off by his own.
"Was everything okay after I dropped you off the other day?"
What. The. Hell.
Did he seriously just ask that? She had to work hard not to fire a harsh retort at him. She wasn't going to fail at the first hurdle of getting to know him.
"It was fine."
That was all she was going to give him and she hoped he got the hint from her curt tone.
"If you ever wanna talk about anything…" Evidently not.
"I'm fine." She snapped before he could go any further.
She thought the arrival of another glee member would save her from this stifling awkwardness but watching Finn's already thunderous expression darken as he turned into the room did nothing to help the atmosphere. He said nothing, just stomped up to a seat on the other side of the room. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of turning her head to see what he was doing.
Luckily, Santana was next and Quinn left the seat next to Sam to sit with her. Neither of them said anything, simply watching as the rest of the members filed in and filled the room with excited and bitter chatter.
Despite the eagerness to surround themselves with discussion about Grease, Mr Shuester decided to go on a rant about another ancient band and how inspirational it was. Quinn quickly tuned out and slipped out her phone, careful to keep it angled away from Santana. Although she probably didn't need to because the girl's eyes were glued on the couple on the other side of the seating bank.
Well done for ur part too. You'll do it amazingly.
She looked over the message. Too forward? Probably. A thrill of adrenaline went through her as she sent it off.
People went up and performed songs that were probably pretty good but Quinn was far too busy checking her phone for a response. After what felt like an age it buzzed.
The nerdy baby of the group? I won't really have to act.
Quinn knew he meant it to be read with a degree of humour but she felt the urge to reassure him. She quickly typed out a reply.
The character profile also said he has a charming smile so it's perfect casting.
Now that was definitely way too forward. Considering deleting the whole thing, she looked up and made eye contact with Finn. His face was still pinched with distrust and hurt which way outweighed the situation and sent a spike of irritation into her chest.
Without keeping her eyes off him she pressed send. She raised her immaculately groomed eyebrow, determined not to lose this stare down. Finn eventually shook his head and looked to the front.
Then the panic hit. Had she seriously just sent that? Two minutes passed, then three, without a response. Quinn didn't know why this nervousness gnawed at her stomach so much. She had no problem saying little flirty comments to boys, and girls.
"It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing."
Despite her slight mishap in the past, she lived by that motto.
But Ray was different. He wasn't someone she didn't mind pushing away when it came to it. In the little time they had gotten to re-learn their friendship, he'd become someone invaluable to her. And that terrified her. But ruining it terrified her more.
Mr Shue wrapped up the session with a stomach-turning cheesy speech and sent them on their way. Quinn had forgotten all tensions she had with Finn or Sam. All her attention was focused on her phone. And it's lack of new messages.
It was a Saturday and Ray hadn't gotten out of bed. His fathers were undoubtedly talking worriedly downstairs about his health due to his uncommonly lethargic behaviour but he didn't have the energy to calm their spirits. All he wanted to do was lie in bed all day and listen to his Sad Songs from Musicals playlist.
Then On My Own came on and he groaned and rolled over. It had to be followed by I'm Not That Girl to really hit his headache home. Santana's crass words echoed around his head like a nineties movie effect and try as he might he couldn't turn it off.
He really did like her. Like, a lot. A ridiculously large amount.
And that stupid message.
Ray had looked at it consistently every couple of minutes for about 24 hours now. Each time he did it made him nauseous as his heart and mind had a fist fight.
That is blatant flirting. She must like me.
Are you an idiot she's just being nice because you were a self deprecating jerk.
Etcetera.
He knew that not replying wasn't the best way to deal with it but he honestly had no clue how to respond. Several messages had been typed out and rapidly deleted.
The doorbell rang and there was the sound of muffled voices before Ray heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs. They halted just outside his door and Ray knew that could mean only one thing.
"Hey, Ray. Can I come in?" Always the gentleman, Sam Evans' voice just about penetrated his moderately soundproofed door.
Just the man he didn't want to see. Out of all the girls, Ray had to fall for his best friend's crush (who also happened to be dating the Quarterback and was a very religious Christian and- stop coming up with these lists they're not helping).
Ray groaned loudly in response, conscious that he couldn't exactly turn his friend away but unable to form a greeting. Sam took it as one anyway and stepped through the door. His furtive look of concern and guilt only made Ray feel worse.
"I wasn't buying the whole stomach bug excuse. What's up, man?"
Of course he wasn't. Ray wondered if anyone had bought it. Or if anyone had cared.
Pfft, anyone? You mean Quinn.
"I'm absolutely fine, Sam. Really."
"We're all worried about you."
Why did he have to be such a puppy? It was impossible to want to disappoint those puppy dog eyes. Ray looked at him helplessly, unable to tell his best friend why he was so upset but also unable to turn him away.
"There's no reason to be. I'm fine, just a little under the weather that's all."
Sam's face didn't clear but he nodded, knowing that pushing was going to get him nowhere.
"Too under the weather to hang out? It's cool if you want me to go."
"No I'd love to. Did you have anything in mind?" Ray knew he couldn't reject the offer, and who knows? Maybe it would help him get out of his head.
Sam quickly rummaged in his rucksack and brought out two sci-fi movies and Chicago.
"Haven't seen this one," he said, motioning at the musical, "but I've heard it's good."
Ray's face lit up and his posture straightened. If there was any film that could distract him from a crush this was the one. Although now that he thought about it Quinn would make a great Roxie Hart and- damn it the film was ruined.
"Sounds good to me. I'll set it up." Ray was proud of how well he retained his smile despite the mental hell to come.
He quickly slid the DVD into the player and jumped back into bed, joined by his friend. Before he could start the movie Sam turned to him.
"You know if there is anything wrong you can tell me. I won't judge. We're bros."
Turning to see a face full of sympathy and concern, Ray found himself making a decision. He knew in that moment that Sam would never try to hurt him. So Ray was going to tell him the truth. Well, half of the truth - he didn't need to know about his feelings for Quinn because they were never going to lead anywhere.
Ray drew in a deep breath to try and soothe the queasy feeling rising in his stomach and shifted in his bed to face him. Sam mirrored him, waiting patiently.
"There's this thing…" Ray cringed at his lack of eloquence, "that sometimes makes me feel sad - not because it's a bad thing I just-"
Ray huffed, frustrated that none of the words he'd rehearsed for years would come to mind.
"It's something that's a part of me and I've run from it and hidden it for so long that I'm used to hating that part of me."
Sam looked confused but very much engaged and Ray knew he couldn't go back now.
"I'm transgender. When I was born the doctor said "It's a girl!" and everyone treated me like one for most of my life, but it never felt right. It's hard to understand but I just knew - know - that I'm a boy. It took me a long time to go to my dads even though I knew they would be supportive but eventually I did and I went through treatment to help me feel comfortable in my own body."
It came out in a rush and Ray had to take a deep breath. Sam was obviously overloaded with the rush of new information and it took him a moment to process. During this moment the sickly sensation Ray knew all too well descended into his stomach.
Suddenly Ray felt himself being pulled into a bear hug and the warmth and security of it sent tears to his eyes.
"Thank you for trusting me, man. I'm so proud of you."
Those words sent the tears cascading out of Ray's eyes and they wouldn't stop. When they both drew back from the hug he tried in vain to stem the flow out of embarrassment.
"Thank you." Ray managed to get out.
It reduced his embarrassment to see those words bring some tears to Sam's eyes too. The two of them shifted back into their previous positions without another word and Ray pressed play on the remote. Despite the massive change they could both feel in the atmosphere, it was the most comfortable they'd ever felt around each other.
Sam's visit had considerably cheered Ray up and lifted the weight of isolating secrecy and anxiety a bit, but one look at the phone number scrawled on his arm brought his heart right back into his throat. How was he supposed to convince Santana that he didn't want her help seducing Quinn when she wouldn't take no for an answer?
No matter what consequences reaching out to her might bring, worse would follow radio silence. As soon as Sam left, Ray plucked up the courage to pull out his phone and type a suitable message.
Greetings Santana, this is Ray. Although I must refuse your offer of help, I am still willing to offer my assistance to you. Let me know!
Ray knew the text was oozing exaggerated formality but he didn't know how else to address her. Hitting send, he reclined in the bed he hadn't left all day, once again thinking about the girl who hadn't left his mind. He would have thought thinking about someone so much would get boring but every time his thoughts made his stomach ache and his fingers fidgety.
A buzz surprised him and he glanced down at Santana's shockingly rapid response.
Y do u text like ur from the 1900s?
Ray had prepared a defensive response when his phone buzzed again.
U know Brittany? I need u to get close to her
Ray frowned. He knew that the two cheerleaders had been quite distant lately but he thought they were close friends. Why did Santana need him to spy on her?
Why?
Santana's reply was almost instantaneous and carried the cutting tone he'd heard often.
I've told u midget that's none of ur business. Unless u want me to tell ur bestie u want to get it on with his crush?
Ray huffed like a frustrated child, indignant that he was being blackmailed on top of his existing issues. He thought about not replying and refusing to be blackmailed but the result of that terrified him.
Fine I'll do it. What am I listening out for though?
This gave Santana pause. It took her a whole two minutes to formulate a response and send it.
Just anything to do w me. Or Artie.
Specific, Ray thought to himself. He refrained from sarcasm through text and simply sent off a one word answer.
Right.
Ray flicked shut his phone and swung his legs over the side of his bed. He needed to move, get rid of that antsy feeling. He quickly slid into some comfortable clothes that disguised any feminine curves and crept down the stairs.
Just his luck, his fathers were sitting in the kitchen talking mutedly over cups of coffee. Hiram was facing him and noticed him immediately.
"Hey buddy! You're up!"
"Yeah uh I just wanted to go for a quick walk. Stretch my legs." Ray hated the fact that somehow he'd made the truth sound like a lie.
Leroy furrowed his brow slightly but wasn't going to stop his son, especially since it was getting him out of his room.
"As long as you're back for dinner at 7."
Ray nodded gratefully and headed towards the door.
"Ray," Leroy called from the kitchen counter, "take care of yourself."
"I will."
His father's concern sent a warm feeling into Ray's chest. He'd been so lucky to have such accepting and caring parents and that thought made his heart ache for kids across the world who weren't as lucky as him.
Maybe he lived in a small conservative town and maybe he'd be bullied to no end if people found out about his identity, but he had at least four people who were there for him regardless of the fact that he was trans.
The sun was setting and the air was starting to tug icily through Ray's jacket, but he found the sensation refreshing after his stuffy room. He wasn't quite sure where he was going, letting his feet take him through various streets he knew so well.
Obviously he'd brought his iPod with him and various genres thudded through his skull as he walked. In the dimming golden light and with his breaths coming out in small clouds, Ray felt an unknown emotion surge through him. It felt like he was in a coming of age movie and each song was an inspirational montage soundtrack.
Eventually, he found himself in a green he vaguely recognised, up on a hill that overlooked a lot of Lima. Light was dimming fast and he knew he should be getting back soon but he still needed a moment to take in the view.
A muffled voice sounded behind him and he swivelled around suddenly, pulling the earbuds from his ears. There she was, looking absolutely stunning in the dying sunlight, with her headphones around her neck.
"What are you doing this side of town?" Quinn looked amused, cocking her eyebrow up slightly.
A deep crimson blush crept up Ray's face and he prayed that it was too dark to properly notice. Now that he'd acknowledged his feelings the very sight of her tied his intestines and tongue into knots.
"A-a walk. I've just been wandering around for the past half hour or so. Listening to music."
"Are you feeling better? Sam said you went home with a stomach bug."
The genuine concern in her voice simultaneously broke his heart and made it flutter. He seriously had to get a grip if he was going to survive being her friend.
"Yes. I'm not really sure what came over me. Probably not enough sleep. Or hydration. Why are you out here?"
Quinn fiddled slightly with her headphones but kept her eyes on Ray, naturally making him supremely uncomfortable.
"I've been listening to the songs, from Grease. To get a good sense of them, you know?" She grimaced slightly at her response but Ray found it endearing how dedicated she was to the musical.
Ray looked down at his feet, guilty about how much he was letting his personal feelings prevent him from dedicating himself to Grease. It was a musical for god's sake, he should be over the moon.
"I listened to your song and it's probably my favourite."
This made Ray's head shoot back up. He expected Quinn to have said it off-handedly, just stating fact. That way his heart would flutter and gut twist but it would be a passing comment and they'd move on. Instead he saw a softness and a tenderness, something unsure and nervous, in her features. It brought with it far too many thoughts and questions that Ray couldn't handle at that moment.
Ray knew he had to say something, anything, to diffuse the rapidly building tension and awkwardness but he couldn't think of a single thing. His whole mind was blank. Just when it became excruciating, the sound of a small bell could be heard dimly.
It took Ray another second or two to realise it was his phone and quickly drawing it out he saw the time.
18:50
Hiram's text was a gentle: On your way back yet?
"Ah I've gotta go. I said I'd be home by seven." He paused, conscious that he should probably say something nice. "I look forward to rehearsing with you."
It came out uncomfortably formal but she smiled anyway and waved him off as he jogged towards home.
By the end of the weekend Quinn knew she had to break up with Finn. The boy had probably not done anything especially irritating, but something between them had changed. Maybe it was just her mindset, but whatever it was it made dealing with his general attitude unbearable.
Finn had begun the weekend by calling her early on Saturday with a less than mediocre apology that sounded more accusatory than anything, after which he expected an apology in return. Needless to say she refused to grant it to him and the subsequent shouting match ended with Quinn hanging up abruptly.
Throughout the rest of it there had been radio silence from the boy. Quinn found all her memories of their relationship stained by this sudden aggravation. His cluelessness turned to callousness, dopiness to carelessness. It was as if someone had flipped a switch and all the things she'd found easy to overlook or even cute in a Finn sort of way bothered her to no end.
So by the time the first Grease rehearsal came around she was at her wits end. They were working on one of the first scenes, in which the guys and girls spoke in their groups in the cafeteria. Fortunately, this meant little interaction with Finn and with Sam (which would consequently aggravate Finn).
That was until the end where the two groups met and Sandy and Danny had to exchange a momentary loving interaction. Quinn's eyes kept slipping past Sam to Finn's rapidly reddening cheeks and had to fight down the urge to slap them redder.
Didn't he understand the concept of acting?
After about ten run throughs of the scene Mr Shuester dismissed the 11 students, telling them everything looked "promising" and he was "very excited to see the end result".
Quinn could tell Finn wanted to simply continue the cold treatment and storm right out, but she wasn't going to let that happen. She wasn't going to let his stupid logic take the high ground. She hurried after him, trying hard not to seem desperate.
She caught him at the end of the hall and pulled him into the closest room, which happened to be the choir room. Memories of Finn kicking over a chair in utter rage and betrayal came floating up into her mind to Quinn's dismay. Pushing down the residual guilt, she squared up to her enormous boyfriend (seriously had he always been that big?).
"We need to talk."
"I don't wanna talk." Finn's voice sounded nasal and childish. "Every time we talk you end up shouting at me and calling me stupid."
That's because you are stupid, Quinn wanted to snap back but held her tongue.
"Well do you have a better idea? Because ignoring each other only works for so long."
Finn frowned and pouted, looking like a giant baby, but said nothing.
"Okay you know what? I apologise for being so snappy the other day. What I will not apologise for, however, is ridiculing your idea that acting with Sam constitutes as a form of cheating. It's completely ridiculous."
"Fine! Maybe it is ridiculous! But you know what, it's hard to know what to think with you as a girlfriend!" Finn shouted, the force of his words and their connotations momentarily stunning Quinn into silence.
The pause that followed was heavy with tension that even Finn in his temper sensed.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Quinn's voice was coated in warning, making certain Finn knew to choose his words carefully.
"Just that… You're the-the Queen of the school and everyone either wants to be you or date you. And you've been spending less and less time with me recently-"
"You cancelled two dates so you could play Call of Duty with Puck!"
"That's 'cause when I'm around you you're always criticising me. I always have to deal with the thought that I'm not good enough for you and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being scared you're just gonna go off and…" Finn trailed off and suddenly looked slightly sheepish but retained his frown and flushed cheeks.
Quinn didn't even ask this time. She simply stared him down, her glare boring holes into him.
"Who's to say you're not gonna go and sleep with someone else again?"
She'd known that was what he was implying from the start but it's actual vocalisation left her reeling.
"We talked about this I thought we agreed to put it behind us?" Her voice came out soft and vulnerable and she hated it.
"Well it's kinda hard to stop thinking about how my girlfriend has a baby somewhere that's not mine."
The mention of Beth took all the air out of her lungs. Guilt about abandoning her daughter piled on top of the guilt of cheating on Finn. But there was also an anger there. Why had he agreed to take her back and forget their past issues only to use it against her when he was feeling self conscious?Her throat was beginning to close up but she managed to speak a few words.
"Then maybe I shouldn't be your girlfriend."
That was all she was going to manage and she quickly turned on her heel, striding out of the room and down the hall, leaving Finn to interpret her words.
"Wait, did you just break up with me?"