After a minute of silence, Angela smiled sarcastically. "Janie, that was a mean trick to play on him. It's bad enough you continue to fool poor Giovanni with this act, but Casey? If you weren't ready to get married, honey, all you had to do was say so. I'm sure he would've given you some time. He's a very understanding man."
"Ma," Jane said softly, clearly intending on stopping her before she continued to speak.
"I just think it's a hurtful thing to do to someone. I mean, really, to make him think you were leaving him for a woman. How insecure he must feel! And I just assumed he meant it was a man; poor thing, he was embarrassed to tell me it was Maura!"
Although I knew she wasn't trying to be hurtful, I felt tears begin to well in my eyes. Jane gingerly extricated herself from me and stepped toward her mother, her voice low.
"Ma, it's not a trick. I'm in love with Maura. She's who I want to be with."
Angela rolled her eyes, looking uncannily like her daughter. "Enough." She stood back and put her hands up, exasperation on her face. "You don't have to tell me the real reason you two broke up. I just wish I hadn't booked the church! I was so embarrassed to call Father Bertoni earlier and tell him to cancel the reservation. Are you sure you made the right decision? He's a wonderful man Jane, and he loves you very much."
"I know he does," Jane answered. "And I love him as well." Her voice cracked as she spoke.
Even though I didn't doubt Jane's feelings for me, I couldn't help but stiffen hearing her words.
"Casey has been part of my life for a long time. Every girl in high school wanted to date him; I was so surprised when he asked me out. He made me feel special, which was something no other guy had ever done. He didn't care that I could hit a fastball better than he could. It didn't matter to him if that I didn't care about fashion or lipstick. He liked me for who I was." Jane spoke in a distant, wistful voice.
Angela smiled. "See? I knew you just had cold feet. I tried to tell him that." She reached out for Jane's hand and I noticed how much her scarred palm shook. "Call him, Janie. Before he gets on that plane for who-knows-where! What if he gets hurt again? You'll never forgive yourself."
"Maybe I should give you both some space," I spoke softly as I started to move away from them.
"No," Jane spoke firmly, "I need you to stay. I need you both to hear this."
I nodded; my throat suddenly felt too tight to speak.
"I really thought we'd get married after high school. But I wasn't ready and he wasn't either. I never thought I'd stop crying when he decided to go into the military. He was my best friend. I missed him every second."
"You have to be friends first;" Angela interjected, "that's where your father and I went wrong. When the kids were grown and the romance fizzled, we had nothing left. You and Casey will be just fine, sweetheart. I just know it."
Jane continued as if she was unaware of her mother's interruption. "But every day got better. And I missed him less and less. I had my job, my other friends, and I was happy without him. But when he was in town, I wanted to spend every minute with him. We had one of those great relationships where no matter how long it had been since we had seen each other we could just pick right back up where we left off. Maura, you know about that." Jane looked at me pointedly, and I knew she was referring to Ian. I nodded numbly in response.
Suddenly I understood exactly how she felt about Casey. It was how I felt about Ian; he was a constant presence; a 'known'. Not necessarily what I always wanted at the exact moment; but a dependable source of comfort, intimacy, and companionship. Did I love him? Of course. Could he compare to Jane in any way? No.
I return to Jane's side and place my hand comfortingly on her lower back.
"As I grew up, I realized that Casey loved the high school me. But I grew up, Ma."
"Oh honey, that's easy to fix. You two haven't had that much time together. Just give it some time and things will be back the way there were between you two." Angela smiled warmly.
"But that's just it. I don't want things the way they were. I'm not the girl I was in high school, Ma. And I'm glad. That girl was confused and unsure of what she wanted in life. And I'm not confused now."
"Well I am," the older woman joked. "Janie, you haven't changed a bit."
Jane smiled sadly. "I have. I've gone through hell, Ma. I've been through hell. I've seen things that no one on earth should have to see. I had things happen that will never stop giving me nightmares."
My hand tightens against her back.
Angela opened her mouth to speak but Jane cut her off. "And you know what scares me the most out of everything I've seen or gone through?"
"What?" Angela and I answered at the same time, her voice overpowering my soft reply.
"The thought of going through life alone. Or with someone who I love, but am not in love with. Of waking up from those nightmares with the wrong person trying to comfort me. I'm scared of feeling complacent. I'm scared of marrying Casey and resenting him for his entire life because he's not Maura. She's who I belong with. After all the shit I've been through, she loves who I am now. And I love her; more than I thought it was even possible to love someone."
Silence.
Jane's back was warm underneath my hand. As she exhaled, I felt her relax fully.
"I don't understand," Angela sputtered, stepping backwards. Jane reached out and gently took her mother's hands in her own.
"Listen to me, please." Jane spoke clearly; her voice filled with conviction. "I don't know why it took me so long to sort out how I was feeling, but I would give anything to have figured it out years ago. I wasted so much time trying to be who I wasn't. But I can't waste any more time. I need to be happy; I deserve to be happy. So does Maura. And I want you to be happy for me. For us. I want that more than anything."
Angela said nothing, her eyes glassy. "I had no idea you were gay. A mother is supposed to know her daughter and I had no idea."
"No idea that I was a lesbian?" Jane asked pointedly as she pulled away from her mother. "Really?"
The older woman flushed and averted her eyes. "Maybe I had an idea. Well, I had suspicions at least." Angela looked at me for the first time since Jane's revelation. "She used to listen to the strangest music as a child; Joan Jett and Melissa Ethridge. And this was when she was really little! I could never get her in a dress; as soon as I'd turn around she'd have ripped it off and would be back in her jeans. If I bought her dolls they'd end up being held hostage by Tommy and his GI Joes while Janie and Frankie used their plastic army men to rescue them."
Jane looked at me, sheepish, and I cracked a tentative smile in response.
Although her mother returned my smile, I could sense an undercurrent of something more; a nervous energy that made me equally nervous.
Not long after Angela moved in she and I were preparing dinner for everyone. Jane and Frankie were watching some ridiculous program on television about the many ways one could die and Angela and I were in the kitchen. Distracted by the factual inaccuracies on the show, I lost focus while cutting a tomato for the bruschetta and sliced my finger.
I immediately cleaned the cut; decided I didn't need any stitches, and was surprised when Angela appeared at my side with antibiotic ointment and a band aid. Although I proclaimed I didn't need any help, she told me that 'a mother's love' would make it heal faster. She tenderly cleaned it again and wrapped it, sealing it with a kiss.
I couldn't lose her; she was an important part of my life that I had come to rely on. I cherished the closeness I felt with her and reveled in finally having a mother figure who actually felt like a mother in my life.
She was staring at me; now an unreadable expression on her face.
Jane broke the silence, "Ma, are you okay with this?"
Still silence. Seconds turned to minutes, and Angela didn't speak.
"I think this is the longest she's ever been quiet," Jane murmured to me. She was clearly using sarcasm to mask her emotions. "Can you answer me? Say something? Please?"
"I need some time." When Angela finally spoke, her voice was softer than I've ever heard it. Her eyes lowered, she turned slowly and walked away from us.
"Ma," Jane called after her but fell silent when I placed my hand on her arm.
"Let her go, Jane. She needs time. I know you know what that feels like."
Nodding numbly, Jane glanced at me with stricken eyes. "What happens now?"
I tried to give her a reassuring smile. "I take you to lunch, anywhere you'd like. We come back and finish work. She takes the time to process her emotions and realizes that your happiness is the most important thing in the world to her and embraces our relationship."
She doesn't look assuaged.
"C'mon, I'm starving." I bumped her with my hip; a feeble attempt to lighten the mood.
"I'm not hungry," she pouted. "Maura, why does this have to be such a big deal? Nothing has changed; I'm still the same person. I still like the Red Sox and hate beets. Why is everyone having such a hard time with us being together?" Jane whined and actually stomped her foot.
"Not everyone is having a difficult time processing your late-in-life lesbianism, Jane. I was incredibly receptive, if you recall." I gave her a sly grin and was rewarded with a small smirk. Progress. "You said Vince was very understanding. Casey's reaction is a completely different scenario and it's understandable why he is upset. He was vested in both your emotional and physical relationship. Your mother is the only other person who you have told and not enough time has yet passed to correctly score her reaction. So it would be more factual to say that of the four subjects rated, fifty percent have reacted positively, twenty-five percent have reacted negatively, and the other twenty-five percent is undecided."
"Okay, a few things. First of all, don't ever call it my 'late-in-life lesbianism' again. I'm not that old. Secondly, that is an unfair pie chart or whatever numbers thing you just did because my mother's opinion matters way more to me than Casey's or Korsak's. So you can't rate it like that. Thirdly, I just want my mother to be happy for me. And to get off my back about always having to do things her way."
"I know," I told her gently as I took her hand. "Angela will come around, I'm sure of it." I paused, uncertain as to reassure her. She was absolutely correct, the importance of the relationship to Jane should influence the ratio of percentage points each person would contribute. I shook my head slightly to get it out of my mind. I needed to focus on what Jane needed at the moment. "I bet your mother is sitting in the café right now mulling everything over. While this development is obviously shocking to her, I know she'll do the right thing and support you fully. She loves you, Jane."
She squeezed my hand in response.
"When do you think she'll be ready to talk to me?"
"If I had to guess, I'd say by tomorrow."
"I thought you didn't like to make guesses," she sneered.
"I don't guess. She will be fine. Just give her some time to absorb everything. Honestly, she's probably more upset about not being able to plan a wedding than she is about this new development in your personal sexual preferences."
Jane's disgust showed on her face. "Can you puh-leaze find a better way to phrase things?"
"What's wrong with personal sexual preferences?" I asked, genuinely confused.
"It sounds like a bad fragrance. I'm wearing 'Personal Sexual Preferences by Calvin Kline'." She scoffed.
I couldn't help but laugh. "That's a terrible name for a fragrance."
"Shut up," she groaned as she rolled her eyes dramatically. "Take me to lunch before I lose my appetite completely. There has to be a better phrase than late-in-life-lesbianism or personal sexual preferences."
"I'm sure you'll find one you're comfortable with," I told her honestly as I squeezed her muscular forearm.
As we got in the car, I couldn't help but add, "You could always just say that you prefer my muffin." When Jane looked at me, completely aghast, I smiled widely. "Did you really think I didn't get the joke? Please, Jane. I have Urban Dictionary bookmarked on my iPad. It's the only way I can understand half of the things you say."
She grumbled. "I see how it is. I can spill my guts in front of you and Ma and you make fun of me in response."
"I'm not making fun of you," I laughed. "What you said to your mother was beautiful and very poignant, not to mention very well worded."
"You get it?" Her question was loaded; I could tell by her darkened eyes.
"Absolutely." I answered her easily. "Thank you for clarifying how you feel about Casey. I have very similar feelings about Ian. There is a direct correlation to both of our relationships with them and I appreciate you explaining the differences between how you feel for him compared me."
"There's no comparison, Maur." If possible, her eyes became even darker. She leaned across her seat and kissed me gently, leaving me weak in the knees. "It's just you; hell, it's always been you. From the first moment I saw you I knew."
"When I thought you were a prostitute?" I laughed at the memory.
"Yeah," she chuckled, "I thought that you'd be a lot hotter if you weren't such a pain in the ass."
"Hey I was trying to be nice!" I exclaimed in mock outrage.
"Oh you can be very, very nice," she responded, her eyebrows waggling as I giggled. "Now come on, buy me the most expensive burger in town."
I knew just the place.