Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes. Potential homosexual content in the future.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters, 5th year class.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

Note: Alright, first class, WOOO-MOTHERFUCKING-HOO.

As soon as each student was settled, Bree took the teacher's stool, snatching the yardstick, and resting it on the ground, like a makeshift cane. Lazarus took the oppertunity to hang up his jacket, and Malachi prowled around the the students, resembling a caged beast.

"Let's get something straight right away. Us three are new to your world." Bree began quietly, only to be interrupted by a familiar blonde teenager, clad in Slytherin house robes.

"New? Aha! I knew it, you three are just a bunch of mudblood fools hired by that old poofter Dumbledore!" Draco Malfoy sneered triumphantly, with a nasty grin.

"I'd bet a thousand galleons you morons don't even know how to use your bloody wands!" He shouted arrogantly, leering at Bree. She cocked her head.

"You misunderstand me. We're new to your way of magic. Not to magic itself. And you are correct, I'm still not quite sure how to use my wand. But.." She mused offhandedly, sliding off the stool.

Her figure suddenly blurred, and both stool and yardstick clattered to the ground, and Mister Malfoy gasped, as he found himself facedown upon the ground, Bree's converse pressing down on the back of his neck, and an ominous metallic click echoing throughout the room.

"You see, Mister Malfoy, when I was sixteen years old, most of my immediate family and myself were experimented upon by our Government. We were meant to become perfect soldiers, with immovable loyalty towards our superiors. And do you know what, Mister Malfoy?" The volatile blonde purred, pressing what looked like a Beretta 92FS Inox handgun against the terrified pureblood's head.

"It backfired. Catastrophically. I could kill you 15 different ways with my hands alone, and you'd never even see me coming. Your way of Magic is outdated, and inefficient." She whispered calmly, her ethereal olive eyes glinting dangerously. Malfoy let out a terrified whimper in response.

"However, Professor Dumblemore has made it clear that we are not allowed to kill students." Bree pouted, removing her foot from Malfoy's neck, and ambling back to her stool. The pale pureblood shakingly returned to his beanbag, avoiding his fellow Slytherins eyes.

"Now, if I may?" Bree asked calmly, righting the fallen stool, and picking up the yardstick. The students stared at her, visibly stunned. Malachi chuckled, continuing to stalk around the room. Lazarus grinned smugly, from his position against the wall.

"As I was saying. We're new to your way of magic, but as far as we understand it, your world is on the verge of War, and possibly on the verge of collapsing in on itself. So-called 'Dark Lords' rise almost every few decades, and it seems that bigotry, racism, sexism, and plain laziness are the cause of your society's decay. Over the course of this year, our goal is to tear you down, and build you back up better, stronger, and more powerful then ever before." Bree stated, a hard edge entering her voice. A familiar bushy haired girl raised her hand, with a haughty look on her face.

Bree pointed the yardstick at her, sliding her legs up and folding them beneath her on the stool.

"Ask away, miss?" The girl sniffed, and stood up.

"Hermione Granger, Professor. I'm sorry, but this is a school, not a boot camp! Plus, you yourself admitted you're new to the Wizarding world, so what gives you the right to judge us?" The girl protested, an unpleasant whine to her voice. Lazarus burst into giggles from his corner, drawing the attention of the class.

"It's simple, Hermaphrodite. All of you have been taught to have blinders over your eyes, babied, and coddled by your parents, and other such adults. I mean, seriously, you're all fucking blind, or logic-deficient if you can't see what's going on around you!" He barked, with a hysterical cackle. Bree walked over, and smacked him with the yardstick, then returned to her stool.

"While insulting and rude, the basic gist of what is said is true. If you wish to remain blind, that's your choice. But we aim to show you another way of looking at the world. Also, 100 points from Slytherin for your sexual, racial, and demeaning slurs, Mister Malfoy. We do not allow bigotry in this classroom." She chirped, with a menacing smile.

"10 points from Gryffindor for being rude to a teacher, miss Granger." Lazarus grumbled, rubbing his face where he had been smacked by the Yardstick of PAIN. Granger looked outraged.

"Now, the classroom has been divided into three sections because each class will be different. Malachi will be in charge of the nonmagical combat portion of the class, which will take place in the Combat dojo. I will be in charge of the magicial combat portion, which will be in the Dueling Arena. And Lazarus will be in charge of the Lecture portion of the class, which obviously will take place in the Lecture room." Bree explained, with a grin. A Gryffindor with black hair and green eyes raised his hand, and Bree pointed the yardstick at him.

"Yes, Mister...?"

"Erm, Potter, professor." The boy stammered, standing up. Bree nodded at him, and motioned for him to go on.

"Do you believe that Voldemort has returned?" He asked, causing most of the class to flinch, gasp, and whimper. Bree, Malachi, and Lazarus stared at him.

"Well, yeah, w'do. The guy's a giant fucking lighthouse, it's impossible to not notice someone of his power being around." Lazarus said dryly, snorting.

Clearly, Potter did not expect them to believe him, as he gained a stupified yet relieved look.

Suddenly, the bell broke the silence, and jerked the students out of their stupors.

"Next Class, be prepared for a test of your combat skills. Now geddafuckoutta here." Malachi informed them blandly, with a smirk. The students fled the room like a herd of startled geese.

As soon as the last student had left the room, the trio burst into laughter.

"OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY BOUGHT YOUR STORY!" Lazarus yowled, flopping onto a beanbag and wiggling in delight.

"I KNOW! Oh god, the look on Malfoy's face, I nearly doubled over right there! What a pansy!" Bree cackled, with a cheshire cat smile. Malachi merely laughed, a grin lighting up his face.

"They're so gullible, it's unbelievable." He chuckled, running a hand through his hair. Bree continud to cackle, as Lazarus flopped lazily about in his beanbag.

"I can't wait for the next class..." Lazarus purred maniacally, a demented smile gracing his handsome face.

NYAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA. A little Malfoy whumpage, a litte Granger bashing, it's alll good in the hood, my little penguins. Next chapter will be about the fallout from this first class, ehehhehehe..