Jaded

Chapter 10

"Now, I will explain ANBU," Sai stated, interlacing his fingers, eyes avoiding mine. I nodded curtly, shifting to get a bit more comfortable. I took a sip of my coffee, looking to him as he started to explain.

"You will be going to a training camp where weak candidates are weeded out. You will be put through many field tests and rigorous training on both physical and," He trailed looking at me briefly, sighed, then continued, "Mental…capacities. Most always you will find yourself at a breaking point, but you must move past it, prove yourself. You will not automatically become ANBU. And if you fail…."

He stopped there, and I just looked to the floor finishing for him, "No chance at saving Kakashi…" I took in a breath as he nodded. I almost expected this to be easy, but was I mistaken. This would be no walk in the park. ANBU are highly skilled ninja. They work in the shadows of Konoha, virtually unknown, even to Jounin. The only ANBU I knew was of course Kakashi, but he wasn't an active ANBU, which I never understood.

I thought once you were in that group of Elites you would never be able to back out, bounded for life by that mysterious mark on the shoulder… But somehow he managed to go back to being just a normal ninja, a highly skilled Jounin with a genin team to boot. More often, I find myself wondering just what happened to get him to where he was in his ninja career. Even after what we share, I still know next to nothing about the man I'm supposed to be in love with.

Is that bad?

I've known him for so long, but he never confided in me. I was always the one who confided my past. Whenever he asked I told, but when I asked about his past he would merely chuckle, kiss me, and change the subject. Until now, I never thought anything of it.

Sai cleared his throat, knocking me from my thoughts back into the world around me. "Any questions before I leave?"

I scratched my head. I did actually have quite a few, "Yeah. One second."

Reaching for my now empty cup I went back to the kitchen to pour me another cup of coffee. ANBU was going to be so different, and I virtually knew nothing about it, and it took a great loyalty to the village, something I'm not really sure where I stand. I love Konoha in a way. I love the people who I grew with, my parents, my comrades, Tsunade, Kakashi… But it is a village that lies, covers it discretions with pretty words, but what country does not do that. Only the Elders did what they thought was best for the people. The Uchiha's who wanted control were worthless; they had no value for human life. Why kill a whole clan, why not just the people who threatened the peace?

I didn't really understand; I still don't. The loyalty I conjure to be ANBU will simply come from the people I want to protect. Maybe someday I will understand the actions of the elders and truly love my village as I once did.

I walked back into the living room, taking a seat across the stoic Sai. He wasn't happy about this. Neither was I, to be honest.

"Know that you are to tell no one where you are going or how long you will be gone." He stated. I nodded. His hands fisted.

"How long will I be there?" I asked quietly. He was stiff as a board.

His lips thinned as he answered, "Six weeks."

I pressed my lips together. "That long? But Kakashi… He could…"

"I know…" Sai replied in monotone, looking straight ahead. I sighed. Every moment was precious. Why can't I go through some special speedy ANBU boot camp? There was no such thing; that's why. I need to get my Kakashi back; I need him to be okay, here, and well... I want to feel his warmth, his love. I want his guidance. My eyes stung. I want him. Every moment that goes by he could be so much closer to death…

"Sai…I …I'm soo-" My voice broke, and I rushed out of the room, going to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

God. I need him. I've been crying for too long.

I've been too weak for too long…

Kakashi… And then I just screamed, I screamed until my throat was raw, until I could no longer stand, until Sai had to knock down the door and shake my shoulders. All I could do was whisper, "I need him," over and over. And all Sai could do was hold me in a stiff hug.

And once again I was weak. Once again I broke a promise that I had made so long ago, back when Sasuke had almost been taken away from me in the forest when I fought those Sound Nin.

It was a promise that I've been breaking, all because I cannot stop crying, cannot stop my emotions from taking control. It used to be so easy when you were here, Kakashi. Why can't I just go get you now? Why can't I bring you back the way I am now?

And when I realized Sai had broke away from me, guiding me to the couch, offering me a glass of water, searing tears falling uncontrollably from my eyes, that was when I still knew, knew that I was too weak to save him. I need to become stronger, to become

Emotionless. And I knew Tsunade and Sai were right, even though they would not say it.

ANBU was exactly what I needed to dry these tears that fell. No friends. No family. No comforting words.

ANBU.

-

The next day Neji came over with a brown bundle in his hands. I opened my door, stepping aside, stunned at his abrupt visit. He slipped off his sandals by the door, walking further in my lair only when I invited him.

"Make yourself at home," I said with fake enthusiasm offering a faux smile. He just nodded curtly, carefully laying the bundle on the coffee table. "I'll be back in a second."

"Alright," He muttered.

I quickly went to the bathroom finishing getting ready for my last shift at the hospital. I really would miss that place. Six weeks without my job would be hard, but I'd get used to it.

It was just one of the many things I would have to give up for a while.

I pulled my pink locks back into a small twist on my head, securing my stray bangs with a few bobby pins. I straightened out my white jacket and the black shirt underneath. When I walked back into the living area, I found that his eyes were glued to the orange books that littered the bottom of my bookshelf. He look to me then with a raised brow, "Never thought you would pick up that habit."

I chuckled for real, which caused him to peer at me with an expression I wasn't sure on how to interpret. I scratched the back of my head. I never really knew how to act around the ever stoic Neji. He had softened over the years, but he still had that air of superiority about him, which seemed to noticeably lessen when he was around me.

He's quite a confusing man. "So… To what do I owe this visit?" I inquired, leaning on the wall, eyeing the bundle on the small coffee table.

"Delivery," He mumbled, quickly averting his gaze.

"Oh," I whispered, remembering that Sai had told me Neji would be coming over with my ANBU gear and mask. I padded softly past the couch, getting on my knees, drawing the stiff, gray sting off the bundle, it softly fell open and on top was the blue and white mask that I would be wearing for the next six weeks.

"Wolf?" I questioned, taking the smooth porcelain into my hands, running my fingers over the hand painted blue markings. It truly was beautiful, but I was shocked. Wolf was what Kakashi was when he was ANBU, something I only found out after I ran across his mask when I was helping moving his things out of his apartment. His mask lies in the same gray box under my bed that he left all of his ANBU belongings in.

"Tsunade did not want you to forget why you are doing this. ANBU can often make you… forget such things…." He trailed looking at me with what I could only place as genuine concern. Reaching out his large, pale hand, he clasped my shoulder. I was taken aback by the forward behavior. I've never seen Neji like this, not since that mission we had together, but even then it was fake.

His pearly eyes locked with me, his lips parted, "Are you sure? Can you do this?"

"I will not stop until he is back safe and sound," I replied; he nodded stiffly quickly withdrawing his hand.

"ANBU is no game. The training camp… Sakura… It leaves scars. It's cruel in everything. You will be learning to kill, how to take ones life. You will be trained to show no emotion, no remorse when you pull your sword and sever a head or pull out a beating heart," He said all in monotone in his smooth baritone. His words were harsh, but I suppose he thought I needed to hear them. When I said nothing, he took my mask from my hands, "This is a mask to cover a killer, a tool. You will no longer be considered human when wear this. All of this comes with so heavy a prize… then… you… Sakura you…."

He's oddly compassionate…

"I what, "I urged softly, wanting to continue his speech before he lost this concern and went back to the stoic Neji, the one that was condescending and sadistic, the who I've been able to call friend.

"You save lives," He stated, laying the mask softly on the table, getting on his knees beside me. My eyes widened when he took my hand in his, his face so close I could feel his sweet breath caress my face. I turned my face away, and he caught it, cradling it with his strong hand. I felt my breath quicken when he spoke, "You don't have to do this."

His pearly eyes were soft shining with….

Love.

"Neji," I breathed in sharply when his lips brushed over mine.

"Yes?"

"I think it's time you leave," I whispered. He stiffened, eyes becoming dark.

"Yes it is," He nodded stiffly, walking out the door. I just sat there, staring at the mask on the table.

-

My hand hovered over my lips. How could he do that? He knows I'm waiting for Kakashi? Neji could never… even possibly… feel that way. No. No way at all.

I tapped my pen impatiently on my desk, nibbling on my nails. Neji tried to kiss me. I just don't understand… Our mission to Suna had been a long one. We learned a lot about each other. For a while after, I thought there could actually be something between us for real, but I was wrong. As soon as we crossed through the gates of Konoha, Neji became as distanced as he always had been. He never said hi. He never came to visit. I t was like what had happened on the mission never even existed. It was like, to him, I didn't even exist.

So why now? After so long? After I fell in love Kakashi and moved on from that heartbreak? From him?

Neji why did you have to suddenly pop into my life and make things all the more complicated? You know I love Kakashi. I love him with all my heart, and I'm doing what I'm doing to get him back. I'll risk my life to see that he is alive and happy. I'm risking everything by taking on this mission willingly, not being forced into it. I will not let someone else do what I need to.

And I need ANBU. I need the strength it will give me, the control, the level headedness.

I buried my face in my hands, groaning.

"Sakura-san?" I heard a small voice come from the doorway. I lifted my head slightly staring at the rookie nurse, who wrung her hands, intimidated by my apparently demanding presence. I've heard a few of the nurses talk about me. They say I'm a horrible boss, that they were intimidated by my rash behavior. The older mednin said that I reminded them so much of a younger Tsunade.

I looked at the black haired teen expectantly, "What is it?"

"Uhm," She paused, swallowing, "There's a ninja here with a kunai stuck in a rather… private place…And he says you're the only one he will let…Uhm…"

She trailed and I just looked at her for her to continue, and when she did not I stood from my seat, grabbing the clipboard she held far away from her petite frame. I quickly brushed past her, groaning to myself when I saw the name written on the paper.

Naruto has had this happen on several occasions…. UGH….!

I walked briskly in the room saying, "Well, well what do we have here?" And I could not help but grin widely when I saw his bare behind, exposed by the hospital gown, sticking painfully in the air, as he laid on the hospital bed, grinning like mad. His tousled blond hair and dirt smudged face gave way that he had indeed been training… But with who?

"Naruto!" I reprimanded him, "How did you do it this time?" I walked to his bedside, looking him straight in the eyes. He chuckled, when I put my hands on my hips.

"Heh, Well, I was helping a few genin train for the upcoming exams… Sakura! They teamed up on me," He pouted cutely.

"Right," I laughed, glad for the distraction from my thoughts. He grunted when I started prodding at the glinting kunai jutting proudly from his back side. "Hold on to the sheets," I said, getting a wad of gauze and some peroxide, laying them on the mobile tray by his bedside. That kid that got him was pretty strong. The kunai was in there awfully deep. Snapping on some gloves, I eyes the object, then grabbed it; the blond grunted, his whole body stiffening with that anticipation of pain. With two firm tugs, the object came out. I laid it in a metal tray full of water. Then, I poured the peroxide on the wound, cleaning it with the gauze. Ten minutes and some chakra later Naruto was as good as new.

"Che, that kid… I'm gonna…" Naruto grunted, patting his rear, "Thanks Sakura."

"Yeah. No problem," I smiled, waving him off, looking at the paper under Naruto's. Today was going to be a long day full of broken bones and stuffy noses. There are civilian doctors for these kinds of things….

But I enjoyed my last shift that I'd have for quite a while.

Yay. It finally got typed. I kinda lost my notebook. Heh. But I finally got it back and so... I typed it up. Hope you enjoyed the read. Reviews are nice!