A/N: Next chapter we dip into Kaname's view. I make a sailor's promise! Even though this chapter consists of Zero feels I hope you enjoy it, writing wise. Some tough decisions are made here mixed with some angst from discovering something else. If you squint really closely, I did give you some KanaZero but it's very little. Sorry!
Enjoy!
~Zero's POV~
The night had ended once the new moon settled back behind the Earth's horizon in west and the sun began to rise in its place from the east. There had been no words exchanged between the pureblood and I after the adulterous act was committed. He had merely my unbound the chains and left quietly, disappearing like a shadow in the little darkest left. I turned to lie on my side, trying to curl my knees in but the task proved to be difficult from the scorching pain between my legs. The seed of his manhood had dried up, mixed with blood that caked my inner thigh as well. I feel dirty and almost dead. I still feel him inside and it makes me sick. But mostly I feel ashamed over something that I did not partake in willingly. I could not fathom how this came to be in a matter of days but he made it happen and it was happening. I would be angry but I have little strength and I feel exhausted. Yet I push myself to sit up slowly so that my legs dangle off the side of the bed. With slow sluggish movement, I slide off the bed and make my way over to the nearest bathroom, happening to be against a wall opposite from the entrance to the bedroom. After entering I close and lock the door behind me. Walking up to this point had been a difficult task as I tried taking baby steps to lessen the pain from my lower half but it was still there. I then stepped into the shower and quickly turned the knob. Water then spurted from the shower head, my skin stinging from the cold. It felt better as the liquid began to turn warmer and wash over my body. I had myself braced against a corner of the shower so that I was directly under it. I watched as my blood flowed down in the drain below me, mixing with the white fluid, courtesy of the pureblood. The sight was disturbing as I remember exactly how the rape had played out. My chest tightened and my body seemed to shake uncontrollably as my eyes clouded up as I stifled a cry in the back of my throat.
"Nnh!" I had made the sound out of pain as I began to slowly descend to the shower floor. The pain from my backside was nail-biting agony. I tilted my head back with shaky breaths as I let the many beads of water splashed against my skin. The pain was now a dull throbbing but still there and it would never go away.
I could bare this pain, physical pain. I've bared a lot of things in my short lifetime, from the death of my parents and the bite from Shizuka up to the mutilation on my very flesh until now. But what was to come after this, what was to be expected in a matter of months, this I could not deal with physically but more so emotionally. To think of being a caretaker to offsprings' of his, which were not of my own desire to breed in the first place, was despicably out of the question. My breathing quickened at the thought, growing higher in pitch as I settled on the back of my heels. Then something snapped abruptly and all that pain I felt was let out in a strangled cry. I heaved in air, the sound of broken sobs echoing off the bathroom walls.
Where had Zero Kiryuu vanished to? The one crying over past events in shower was not him. It could not be Zero Kiryuu, it couldn't be but maybe it was. Once you broke down on the walls and peeled back his skin inch by inch, you'd see that behind the mask there was just a boy. A boy still crying but he was also waiting. He doesn't want to live but he had his reasons to keep pressing on. Maybe he still does, maybe he doesn't. Right now the boy was in heart-wrenching turmoil. Torn between the little decisions he had and constantly questioning himself, what did he have to live for? What did he have left?
.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.
It had not dawned on me that a week had already gone by since the night of the new moon until I heard something today while I lay in bed stiffly. The pain between my legs had healed but I hadn't eaten or drank any blood since the move, I was basically malnourished physically but I was also a ticking time bomb waiting to set off mentally. I think what I was hearing now had triggered the countdown. With sensitive ears I zeroed in on a low thrumming just beneath my navel. It had just started not too long ago but there was little chance it would ever stop now. Then the rhythm melded with mine own to match and mask itself as if it were taking shelter. Just like that it disappeared.
"No, no this can't be happening," I whined lowly as I let a hand slide down and rest over my abdomen. My mouth suddenly went dry and I couldn't bring myself to say what I wanted as the dull burning in my throat intensified. On top of this thing growing inside me, now I have to deal with hunger as well. I was fine until it showed up. I cursed myself mentally as I tossed the comforters I'd been using to cocoon myself. As I sat up I had to brace myself on the palms of my hands as a strange dizziness overcame me. It didn't last long though so shrugged it off. Now I was taking my first steps out of the bedroom, making my way down the circular staircase, a hand glazing over the golden banister in case I were to trip. I had not seen the pureblood yet, neither one of us speaking to each other since that night. I sought no reason to discuss anything with him so in a way I was glad he wasn't present at the moment. But who knew how long that would last for . . .
Somehow I found myself in the kitchen then, ghosting along the edges of the granite counter. The kitchen was light by the sunlight outside, the shine illuminating the exterior of furnishings. The house was very spacious even with the furniture but it was also suffocating confinement. The house my family had lived in was like a cardboard box compared to this but I would take that cardboard box back any day. Is there a way off of this holding cell? There probably isn't because he would make sure I stayed in here, caged like an animal. At this point I can't even guarantee my own sanity. My eyes then settled on the kitchen knife set near the sink. Without thinking I pick up the biggest one. I could end its life and mine here.
How sweet would it be if the pureblood were to find his mate and unborn young dead in the very house he caged them? It was tempting but what did the fetus do to deserve such a fate? But it's not even an infant yet so what did it matter? It was just starting to grow . . . . I could stop it before the damage was actually done. But a life was a life. Well Kaname had took the rest of his so why not exchange it with the life of the unborn? Every action came with a consequence. Besides it would be nothing but miserable with its life. As if the pureblood would pay his spawn any heed . . . I would only be doing it a favor. Maybe in some alternate universe the two of us could somehow bear each other's presence long enough to care for such a being but there was no room for it here. It would end up dead anyway.
Bringing a child into this world with the conditions I was in now
Yet as I was thinking all of thismy heart became heavy. Performing a self-abortion on my person seemed like it was the right decision with the right reasons but there was still that unsettling feeling from the simple fact that I would be ending a life. Did I have the strength or better yet the courage to take a life that has only just begun? I traced the blade of the cutting knife with a fingertip, my reflection glinting off the stainless steel. I flipped the knife in my hand, having the tip of the blade glazing just over the navel cavity. My jaw tightened and my hands themselves started to trembled. In a swift move I had pulled up the sleeve of my shirt before laying it out over the sink. I blindly ran the blade along my skin without hesitation, the warm liquid flowing out of the top layer of skin and dripping blood red into the sink. My breathing was shallow as I leaned over, the knife slipping from my fingers and falling into the sink with a loud clank. Why did I just do that?
While I stood there at the sink, letting my blood drizzle down my fore arm I brushed my sliver strands back, trying to calm down. What was I thinking? Trying to fool myself and make it sound like taking a life was so easy. But it wasn't and it was already inside, having taken the liberty of making my person a shield and home. Who was I to evict the defenseless, the helpless? I was better than that, better than him.
"Have you always restored to self-infliction to solve your problems?" To this I did not answer his question, made no movement to acknowledge him but my body did tense slightly at the sound of his voice. I wondered why when had decided to show up but then I suddenly heard the sound of running water and felt the cooling liquid washing over the injury. It burned at first and as we stood there he conveyed, "I would have expected better from someone who is being considered for the title of president at the Hunter Association. Would you not agree?"
Did he have nothing better to do then point out how useless and pathetic of an existence I was? I remained silent, not willing to give him the satisfaction of an answer and a little resentment tossed in for turning the god damn faucet on. I removed my arm from under the faucet and began to walk away. I could practically feel his eyes boring into the back of my head while I glanced at the already healing wound on my arm. Then something came over me, a wave of dizziness that had me stumbling over my own feet. My vision hazed dramatically, a red tint overpowered all other colors. I was trying to steady myself; my head feeling as though it could split open at any second. Abruptly I blacked out.
During my unconscious state I couldn't register anything happening outside while the flame in my throat had increased. But just the fire grew it was suddenly put out. A succulent saccharine flavor had doused over my taste buds and cooled the burn like that of pure salvation. I wanted to grasp more of it but I held my tongue. I knew its source before I came to, my tongue darting at the corner of my mouth to savor the small drops that slipped out. I sat up to find myself lying on one of the white sofas of the living room; he was seated on the one perpendicular to me. I was just about to ask something before he read my mind.
"Giving my blood was not a charity for you," Kaname stated without even so much as taking a glance at me. "But keep in mind that if you fail to take care of your body properly the child will act as a parasite and drain the reminder of your energy to avoid death at all costs."
"I'm not surprised. It clearly takes after the leech that created it," I retorted quickly, turning my head so that I was looking at the fireplace, a large painting mounted above it. It was actually a portrait of a couple, which looked fairly familiar through their features. This man stood next to a woman seated on his right, both seemed to share a trait for redwood eyes and chocolate brown hair. Their smiles were gentle but bright like a sun in a dark place. I feel like I've met them before, I'm sure I've met them before. I question aloud, "Who are they?"
"You don't recognize them? Replace them with someone else," he suggested.
Replace them, I thought as I examined the portrait to figure out the puzzle. Maybe it was because of the day's events that I couldn't see it as clearly. My head was stilling hurting from earlier; maybe I had hit the floor once I blacked out. Regardless I scrutinized the picture and if the pieces were clicking together, everything made sense and the couple changes to the only two other people I knew who could fit their place perfectly. He doesn't bat a single eyelash as he registers the shock on my face but the nauseous hits me harder. I cover my mouth as my stomach pulls in and I gag.
"Are purebloods that revolting to you? You should show some respect to them since you had the pleasure of meeting their precious daughter, whom I was intended to betrothed at one point."
"No . . . you're lying," I said, denying what I saw with my own eyes. Yuki . . . she's not one of them. She's human, isn't she? How would it be possible to conceal her true status? She even wields a hunter weapon. This world around me seems to fall apart, white lies burning away so that nothing but the truth remained. Darkness shrouds me with welcoming arms and I feel the dim light of happiness I almost had fade. "She can't be one of you."
He whispers tauntingly against the shell of my ear, "Even you don't believe your own words."