I managed to get through the rest of the day without a further suspicion, and towards
the end he even started insulting me again. When he dismissed me, I made the way to the
tower again, not ready to face Gaius. Bryan eyed my nervously when I climbed the stairs. I
didn't look at him, just returning to my usual position.
I stayed there for hours, hoping that by the time I got beck Gaius would be asleep.
When I finally tiptoed into the room, I saw him seated in a chair by the door and froze. It wasn't
until I realized that his head lolled to the side that I knew he was asleep. He must have been
waiting for me to return. I imagined him struggling against sleep so that he could talk to me,
and it was too much. I wasn't worth it.
I didn't want to wake him up, so I just grabbed a blanket and tucked it around him. He
stirred slightly, but didn't open his eyes. I softly walked to my room, sitting up for hours
thinking about the failure that was me. Around 4 in the morning, I heard my door creak open. I
could tell Gaius was surprised to see me awake.
"Merlin, are you okay? You didn't come home, I was worried." He came closer. I looked
at him, desperate for help I didn't know if he could give.
"Gaius." My voice cracked as the lump in my throat grew bigger. I buried my face in his
shoulder, and he put my arms around me. I tried not to cry, but I did. Even though I
didn't make a sound, he felt the moisture on his shirt.
"Oh, Merlin." Gaius sighed, rubbing circles on my back. After a short while I sat up,
quickly wiping my eyes on my sleeve.
"I'm sorry, I really am. I'm sorry."
"Whatever for?" The old man's voice held the tone of a father, which reminded me of
Balinor. Another person I'd brought pain to. I'd gotten him killed. It was my fault. I was a failure.
I deserved to…
"Gaius!" I cried out, not letting my mind finish. I grabbed at my head, then let go and
stared at my hands.
"Merlin, what is it? What's wrong? I want to help you. Please, let me help you!"
"Gaius, I don't know. It's like, there are these times, when I can't concentrate on
anything but raw fear. And it feels like I'm dying. Then I can't breathe and I can feel my
heartbeat through my whole body, racing. And it's just… it's just too much." I could hear him
sigh.
"I'm going to give you something to sleep, and tomorrow we can talk more about this.
I'll tell Arthur you won't be going in, at least for the morning."
"No! He'd be furious!"
"Not if I tell him that I am requiring you to do it."
"But, I mean-"
"This is important and as your guardian and physician I am forcing you to at least stay
home a little later than usual. I believe you are suffering from anxiety attacks, and they should
not be overlooked." I shrugged, and he left to get the sleeping draught. He made sure I drank it
all before he left the room. It was much stronger than before, and I was out within a minute.
I didn't wake until around noon, at which time I got dressed with haste and made to
dash for the door. Gaius stopped me. "Food, Merlin."
"Do I have to?" He nodded, so I sat down at the small table. I bit into an apple as he
spoke.
"I informed Arthur you would be taking a short absence. If I decide you're not fit to work
this afternoon and evening than you won't."
"That's not fair!"
"Merlin, you complain about the workload constantly, yet when you finally get a day off,
you refuse it. You need a little time to recuperate. I'm sure the past couple days have been
rough." In all honesty, I felt like I needed the work. I needed to busy my hands.
"Please Gaius." The old physician sighed.
"Go then. If you have another attack, make sure you come back here. Alright?"
"Of course. Thank you." I could tell he was uneasy about letting me go. I hurried to the
Castle, wanting to get there in time to serve Arthur lunch. On my way up, I saw a servant boy
carrying his tray.
"I'm his manservant. Give it to me, I'm resuming my duties."
"The prince isn't expecting you until tomorrow, you could use the time to your
advantage."
"No, I want to get back to work, thank you." I took the food from him and finished the
way to Arthur's chambers. I slowly creaked open his door, smiling as I brought the tray.
"Ah, Merlin! Thank goodness you're here! That servant boy they sent me was so
boring."
"Well I couldn't let you go an entire day without an insult, you prat." Arthur nodded and
looked me up and down.
"Gaius said you weren't well." He said, his gaze holding a questioning stare.
"I'm fine, I just couldn't get to sleep last night. He gave me a draught and didn't wake
me up for work in the morning, that's all."
"Hm, alright." I busied myself with the chores that the servant boy had failed to do (or
do properly).
The days went by, and I went to the tower every night after Leala fell asleep. I would
look out over Camelot, apologizing for my existence for hours on end. I longingly looked at the
ground below, wondering what would happen if I just slipped. Each day I fought off the feelings,
and Gaius kept a closer eye on me. Of course, the attacks came back time and time again, but I
didn't want to bother my guardian with such trivial matters, when he could be caring for Leala,
or even himself. So, I acted like I was getting better.
I held Leala's hand as she drifted off one night. She couldn't do much anymore, but
Gaius entertained her as much as he could during the day. We didn't know how much longer
she could last. Suddenly, Leala began shaking, eyes popping open in pain as tears found their
way down her cheeks. I squeezed her hand tighter as Gaius came quickly and desperately tried
to bring down her fever, which had spiked to brain-damaging level. If he couldn't stop it soon,
she'd be done for.
"Please, Leala, hang on! Please!" I begged her. I felt her clench her fingers around mine
tighter. "I love you, Leala, and I need you here. Don't leave me, please. I love you so much." I
was on the verge of sobbing, my heart racing frantically as I pleaded with the girl to live.
"Merlin!" Gaius yelled. "Your hand! Take it away, now!" I looked down to see golden
light emanating from between our palms, and quickly ripped my hand away. Within fifteen
seconds, she stopped shaking and was lying still. Gaius breathed a sigh of relief as her fever
went down to a relatively less dangerous level. I stood several feet away, immobilized in shock
and gripping the hand that had been holding hers. I would have held tight to her until she took
her last breath. I would have killed her.
I shook my head and walked swiftly out the door without saying a word to Gaius. It hurt
too much. He didn't follow me, he was probably angry at me as much as I was at myself. Hot
tears burned at my eyes as I stumbled to the tower once more. I couldn't take it anymore.
I felt weight pressing against my chest, causing me to suffocate. The trek up the stairs
was the longest of my life, and not just because I kept tripping over the steps. Bryan didn't
acknowledge me until I stumbled and fell onto the floor in front of him. He'd seen me have the
attacks plenty of times before, but still came over to help me. I waved him off and stood on
shaky legs as he retreated to the opposite corner of the tower. "This is it then…" I muttered
under my breath. I wasn't doing this for myself, I was doing it for the universe. Someone else
could fulfill my destiny. Maybe even Leala. Maybe Gaius would save her, and she'd take over
my destiny. I stood by the tower wall for a long time, closing my eyes and taking in the slight
Camelot breeze.
"Merlin." A soft voice called. However, it wasn't out loud. It was in my head.
"Kilgarrah?" I answered.
"Young warlock, you must think. Your actions tonight could bring Camelot to its knees in
the future."
"It's not fair."
"And neither will Camelot's suffering be."
"Someone else can complete my destiny."
"Perhaps. Perhaps not. But you were chosen."
"I can't Kilgarrah. They don't need me. I've failed. I've failed everyone. I've failed you. I'm
sorry Kilgarrah. For everything. For this." I pulled myself up over the edge of the tower and
stood, holding my arms out.
The brief couple of seconds I stood there felt like an eternity. I stood on my toes, closing
my eyes and leaning forward. "Merlin, NO!" Kilgarrah's voice yelled with a ferocity that was
beyond compare. It was going to be over so soon. My foot lifted off of the stone...