I own nothing. All characters/storylines belong to Shonda. I'm simply 'borrowing' them.
Chapter Ten
ELIZA'S POV
So I'm headed back to Arizona's place right now. What do I want to do when I get there? Hold her. I want to hold her. It's just not my place to do that anymore. I'm so pissed with myself for acting so pathetic, and nasty, and rude, but I've made my bed...and now I must lie in it. To be honest, I'm surprised she has even given me the time of day. I'll always be grateful for her allowing me to get things fixed up at my place, but I meant it when I told her I would be out first thing in the morning. She doesn't need me hanging around her on her weekend off. She doesn't need me and the negativity I seem to bring with me. She is doing me a favor, nothing more. I have to remember that when I step back through her door within the next five minutes.
Making my way through the doors of her condo block, John gives me a knowing smile and I thank him for his help earlier. Waving off my thanks, he throws me a wink and motions towards the elevator. "You should get back up there, Miss Minnick. It's getting a little cold out here now."
"You're right." I smile as the elevator doors open and I step inside. "Goodnight, John." The doors closing, I remind myself not to stumble about when I reach Arizona's private landing. Now that I know she can see me coming, I won't stand nervously again. It only makes me look even weaker than I already feel. The doors opening, the lock once again clicks and I push my way inside. A small bag hiked up on my shoulder, Arizona directs me to the guest bedroom and I place it on the bed that is just as big as her own. Wow! I won't lie, I cannot wait to climb into this later on tonight. An ensuite bathroom to the left of me catches my attention and I cannot help but peek inside. Nice. My very own huge floor to ceiling window with an amazing view for the night makes me never want to leave this place. I know I've had the grand tour, but this is different. During the tour, my attention was primarily on Arizona. Yes, I was taking it all in, but now I'm truly seeing this place for the first time. It's something else, that's for sure.
Deciding that I've been gone a little longer than necessary, I head back down the hallway and Arizona is standing at the kitchen counter. "Everything okay?" She asks.
"Yes. Sorry, I was just admiring the view."
"That's okay." She shrugs. "I was going to order some food in, did you want something?"
"Oh, um...no that's okay. I'm sure you were enjoying your night before I ruined it so I think I'll just turn in for the night."
"It's barely 7 pm." She states as she rounds the counter.
"Yeah. I know." I smile. "You don't need my company, though." Turning, I move back through the living room but my wrist is gripped and I'm stopped in my tracks. "Arizona…"
"Please stay and have dinner with me…"
"I'm not very hungry." I lie. "But thank you."
"So, just sit with me then?" Her eyebrow raised, I give her a smile nod in agreement. "Thank you." Heading off to a draw in the kitchen, she pulls out a menu from a local takeout and I'm pleasantly surprised. Watching as she peruses the list of foods, I catch her glancing up at me and I drop my gaze. "So, what pizza do you want?"
"You eat pizza?" I laugh.
"Um...yeah. I said I like good food, and this pizza is the best in town."
"Yeah?" I raise an eyebrow and she gives me a nod. "Pepperoni."
"Oo, good choice." Her dimples pop. "Fries?"
"Who eats pizza without fries?" I scoff as I round the counter and take the menu from her hands. "Maybe I should do the ordering?"
"Be my guest." She shrugs. Watching me as I chew on my lip, I can feel her eyes on me but I don't look up. If I do, I'll probably say something stupid or inappropriate. "This is the Eliza I wanted."
"I'm sorry?" My brow furrowed, I realize what she is saying and I give her a sad smile. "I'm sorry I couldn't be this side of me when it mattered. When there was something between us."
"I'm happy you're here." She speaks barely above a whisper. "I seem to have this one problem…"
"Which is?" She moves a little closer to me and takes the menu from my hands. Her body pressing me against the counter, her lips find mine and all breath leaves my body. Pulling back, she brushes her thumb across my bottom lip and studies my face. "I just…" Shaking her head, she presses another kiss to my lips and rests her forehead against my own. "Can't let go."
Taking her face in both hands, my head still resting against her own, I give her a genuine smile. Small, but genuine. "I don't want you to let me go…"
"Then please, stop pushing me away…" Our lips meeting again, something has changed between us. I don't know what, but it feels good. It feels right. It feels like I belong here.
Sat at Arizona's window seat, I rest the side of my head against the window and take in the view I'm being blessed with this evening. Lights shining as the darkness take over the skies above me, all I'm getting is pure silence. New York is busy and bustling and noisy, but I'm getting none of that right now. Being this high up is like living in my own little world. My own little bubble. It's kind of amazing, really. We finished dinner around thirty minutes ago and after the clear up, we've both decided to take a few minutes to ourselves to just be. Arizona is clicking away on her computer keyboard a few rooms down the hall, and I'm leaving her to do her own thing. I don't want to be too clingy. She's said what she needed to say, and so have I. So now, we go from there. There is no rush to do anything. There is no rush to be anything. She's made it clear that she wants me in her life, and I want to be in hers. Sure, her world is the total opposite of mine, but I have to stop allowing my upbringing to get in the way of my happiness. Yes, it was hard and at times I wanted to die, but look where I am now? I'm sitting 63 floors up looking out on Central Park via Park Avenue. Yep, Park Avenue.
It's time to look out for myself, and if that means happiness with Arizona, then why would I want to ruin that? It was never my intention to push her away or ruin what was starting, but I struggled. I struggled with the idea of having so much in my life when I've had nothing before I met her. I know I never should have accused her and no matter my past, it doesn't excuse my behavior. I know that. I also know that we could be good together. I realized that after she walked out on me at the coffee shop. I believe I knew it before then, but watching her fight back tears as she apologized for getting involved with me, it broke my heart. That's why I couldn't let this lie. It's why I had to come by her place. I know she was choosing to ignore my calls but I can't really blame her. I'm sure she is sick to death of dealing with this crap from me but I'm done. No more. Detroit can kiss my ass. My family can kiss my ass. Anyone who has ever doubted me or refused me help...they can all go to hell. I don't need that kind of people in my life. I don't need them to tell me I'm a disappointment anymore.
"Sorry to interrupt." That gorgeous voice pulling me from my thoughts, I lift my head from the window pane and give Arizona a genuine smile. "Did you want me to leave you alone a little while longer?"
"No." My head shaking, she steps a little closer to me and pushes me forward a little. Shifting behind me, she rests her legs either side of my own and pulls me back against the front of her body. Her arms wrapping around my mid section, she places a kiss on top of my head and I swear I've just completely fallen for this woman. "You don't have to sit with me."
"But I want to." Her chin resting on my shoulder, she turns her attention to the view I was admiring and a comfortable silence falls over us. This is nice. Her arms wrapped around me. Her breath brushing against the side of my face. Her scent comforting me. I didn't expect this to be the outcome of our evening, but I'm happy to be here. I'm happy with the knowledge that we are going to be okay. Just don't mess this up, Minnick. "Talk to me." Her voice barely above a whisper, I have to wonder if she even said what she did.
"About what?" I ask.
"Anything. Everything. What's on your mind…"
"Arizona, you really don't want to hear about anything that is on my mind. Even I don't want to hear it." Glancing up at her, her hand cups my jaw and her lips find my own. It's not needy or desperate, it's soft and reassuring. Reassuring is exactly what I need in my life right now.
"Please?" She pulls back. "I need to know all there is to know about you, and I need to know why you have been so down on yourself."
"It's just how it's always been." I shrug. "Nothing was ever simple growing up. Nothing was ever how my friends talked about it."
"You had a pretty rough time, huh?"
"I did, but I'm not the only one to have had a shitty life." I laugh. "It just ended up being normal for me."
"Would you tell me about it?" She tries her luck.
"I guess so, but it's not very interesting. How I live my life right now is actually quite embarrassing."
"I'm sure that's not true." She sighs as she laces her fingers with my own and runs her thumb over the back of my hand.
"Oh, you wanna bet?" I raise an eyebrow. "Not only did my mom hate me for looking so much like my father, she actually moved me back to Poland at one point."
"You grew up in Poland?" She asks, a little surprised by my strong American accent.
"No, not really. Mom came to America when I was three. Detroit. She discovered that my father had been sleeping with a local hooker and she just couldn't take it. He had brought shame to our family. Our very religious family."
"Wow, okay…"
"She took me with her and it's the only thing I'm happy about where my child hood is concerned. Even though she tried to make the best of what she had, she wouldn't allow me to sit at the dinner table with her because it was like looking at him." It's not a big deal, but I guess when I think back now, it did hurt a little. "I just kept my head down and did my best at school."
"When did you go back to Poland?" She asks.
"When I was 15." I sigh. "Mom had herself a new job and she sometimes worked later. She hadn't come home at her usual time one evening and my friend was over. She walked in half an hour later to find us kissing, and well...it was like the end of the world."
"So you moved away?"
"First of all, no. It must have been around two months later when I came home from school and my bags were packed. Hers too. She said we were taking a trip back to Poland to visit family. I thought it was unusual because she very rarely spoke about our family back home. Her home...not mine. Detroit will always be my home. I guess she was trying to get the flight money together."
"Okay…"
"When we got there, we went to a different town than what she had told me about growing up. I didn't think anything of it at the time. At least, not until she took me to some back street lunatic."
"Okay, I'm not entirely sure what that means, Eliza."
"Conversion therapy, Arizona. She took me to a guy who performed conversion therapy."
"Oh." Her tone changing, her arms tighten around my waist and I feel an instant comfort.
"Yeah." I nod. "Oh."
"Did she really believe that would work? And isn't it illegal?"
"Yes, and yes." I laugh. It's more of a nervous laugh than anything else. "Every time I returned home, she would ask me the same question. Are you cured yet? Followed by me saying no, and her telling me to get out of her house until I had rid myself of my disgusting thoughts."
"I'm so sorry."
"It must have taken around eighteen months before I realized I had to give her what she wanted to hear. What she needed to hear."
"I'm sorry you had to experience that." I know she is lost for words, but I've never told anyone else about this. Only mom and I know about it. She was too horrified to tell anyone about what I'd done. Not what she was doing.
"So you had to lie about who you are to keep her quiet and stop the therapy…" It's more of a statement than a question and I simply nod.
"To this day she truly believes I'm straight." I sigh. "When we moved back to the US, I avoided dating. I've never been attracted to men, Arizona, but she just doesn't see that. Her daughter cannot possibly be gay because she says so and because she finds it disgusting."
"It must have been awful for you." Shaking her head, she dips it a little and places a kiss on my shoulder. "I cannot believe you were about to go back to Detroit."
"If I'd have stayed here without being with you, I'd have been lying to myself about how I felt...so I figured I may as well go home and continue to live the lie I was already living."
"I'm so happy you came by here tonight." She whispers as she places another kiss below my ear. "I don't ever want you to have to live a lie while you are here with me."
"Me neither...but that isn't where it ends, Arizona."
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