Thursday Evening

Dinner at the apartment was unusually busy that evening. True to his word, Guido kept out of Grace and Madeline's way. He had even saved a few of Snape's letters from becoming one with the fire. He planned to read them to Hermione when she had retired to sleep. As the girls began their dinner, Guido consulted his to do list. When one has as poor a memory as he did, he had learned to compensate by being organized. He made some distinct affirmative noises and nodded his head now and again.

"Ah, Hermione. Now would be a good time to fulfill one of my requirements," Guido called out casually.

Hermione's fork paused in midair. She did not like Guido's tone. "Requirements?"

"Under my contract I am to read this document at minimum 3 times during my allotted time period verbatim and completely."

"Oh, go ahead. But don't expect me to listen." Hermione continued on with her dinner.

Guido moved closer to the table all the while saying in a singsong way "mi, mi, mi, mi, la, tra-la-la -"

"Guido, I thought you said you were going to read something?" asked Madeline.

"I am and I will. I was merely preparing my voice. Snape's low register is not easy on the vocal cords. This contract is quite taxing on my talents. Fortunately, I am more than equal to the task." Guido unfurled a long piece of parchment. The sheet glowed dully. He cleared his throat and began his performance. "The Seven Virtues of Severus Snape" or "Why Me Instead of the Other Guy."

"It does NOT say that!" Hermione's head jerked up and she looked up at him.

"Yes, it does." Guido held out the ghostly parchment for her viewing and pointed at the large title. "See right there."

Hermione peered at the luminous nearly transparent sheet and recognized Severus' bold handwriting. Guido held the sheet in front of him and struck up his pose anew.

Guido began. "Hermione, the book said to make a list of my good points with examples so here they are." Despite her intentions to not listen, Hermione couldn't help but be curious. She kept her eyes on her down on her meal but her ears were attuned to Guido or as Hermione now thought of him - G-Snape.

"One. I am thoughtful. I give you body massages and body rubs unasked."

"Two. I am considerate. I make sure to warm the massage oil with my own breath in my own hands before I touch ANY part of you."

"Three. I am gentle. I begin with the soles of your feet kneading the day's tension until it is barely a memory. I do the same with your ankles and calves but more tenderly in slow circles alternating hard and light pressure."

"Four. I am relentless. No matter how much you moan, gasp and writhe, I continue upwards with great deliberation leaving no part untouched."

At this, Madeline and Grace looked very attentive. Hermione continued to eat her dinner unperturbed by Guido's recitation.

"Five. I am thorough. If my hands alone are inadequate to give you relief then tongue, toes, skin, whatever body part is utilized to its maximum satisfying effect.

"Six. I am unselfish when it comes to you and only you. Have I not always made sure you were ready first at least once and usually twice?

"Seven. I am attentive. Every aching part of you gets my undivided attention." Guido's voice went lower and smoother. "Remember how I would skim one hand along your legs, between your legs parting them as I went -"

"Stop! Let me see that." Hermione stood up and read over Guido's shoulder. Apparently, number seven was rather lengthy. As she read, a blush slowly crept up from her neck to her cheeks.

"What's number seven, Guido?" asked Grace innocently.

"You are not to read that list to anyone else, Guido. Do you hear me?" Hermione stopped her roommates further protests with a look. "You've had your one read, Guido, put that away and go … go sift through the letters or something."

"Actually, Hermione, I haven't finished. I have to read the whole thing out loud as he would have read it. I had to rehearse the whole piece just so. Snape was very particular about number seven. I've never had such a director. Very keen on inflection and delivery he was."

Hermione was not surprised that Snape had put that particular clause in. However, she was not without logic of her own. She said casually. "But, Guido, I've already read it therefore technically, the reading is done."

"You reading it does not count. My contract was very clear on that." Guido cleared his throat. "Seven. I am -"

"Stop!" Hermione was getting red again. "Not now, Guido. You can finish it later."

"Not possible. Once I start I have to finish at that same reading per my contract. Quote no breaks allowed, no exceptions unquote." Guido straightened once more. "Seven- "

"Stop! Just stop! If you must, let's go do this in my room." Hermione led Guido to her room.

Grace and Madeline waited until they heard Hermione say the locking spell before rushing to her door and pressing their ears against it. Unfortunately, Hermione had also used a silencing spell and they could hear nothing. Dispiritedly, they returned to the dining table.

After about fifteen minutes, a very flushed Hermione walked briskly past her roommates saying breathlessly. "We'll be right back. I need some air."

Guido was right behind her. "Amazing what power words can have if said just right."

"That was one long paragraph. Twenty minutes!" Madeline exclaimed.

"Oh, it wasn't too long. Hermione kept pleading me to stop and I had to begin at number seven again and again," Guido explained. "Hermione, you must be unusually sensitive because I find it hard to believe that one paragraph would have that kind of an effect."

Hermione stopped at the door her hand on the doorknob. She turned back to look at Guido. "It wasn't the words, Guido. It was the memory."

"You mean he can really do that with his-"

"As many times as he wants and without resorting to magic." Hermione opened the apartment door and she and Guido stepped out.

Grace and Madeline looked at each other. They had heard enough. They stopped clearing the dinner table and ran after the pair. Were they not at university to get educated? It was therefore in their best interest and ultimately in the interest of all womankind everywhere to find out what Snape Virtue Number Seven was.

Was it reproducible? Was it unique to the professor? If so, could he be cloned?

Hogwarts had been host to many strange and wonderful events but tonight was truly exceptional. There at the high table sat Severus Snape in his usual spot. On his right was Madam Hooch and on his left was Harry Potter. That alone was strange enough, however, what tipped the scales further to the edges of the extraordinary was the fact that Snape and Potter were talking so animatedly to each other.

"Our agent is confirmed in. A reconnaissance of the area shows that our subject has not left the premises."

"Severus, if Hermione ever finds out about my part in this, I am doomed," Harry said in between mouthfuls.

Snape moved his food about his plate. "We must keep the pressure on her until she buckles. The next task will be-"

"Severus, are you doing battle maneuvers or wooing a woman?" asked Minerva from Harry's left.

Hooch made a clucking noise beside him. "Hermione with a siege mentality won't be amenable to you, Severus. No woman would be."

Gent: Do not listen to them, my boy. Stay firm. We know what we're doing.

Prat: We know her better than these old crones do. Once we have her back, we can apologize.

Wolf: Love and war. In the end, only winning matters. Hermione will understand.

"I tried the romantic drivel that you females swoon over. That got me nothing except a day in the infirmary. I am going to win her back my way, Minerva. You'll see."

"Albus, you can't let him follow through with this. Do you know what he's done?" asked Minerva.

"Yes, he has sent a substitute in his place to plead his suit," said Albus placidly. "With Hermione not allowing Severus near her, what else could he have done?"

"You sound like you approve?!" Minerva looked at him in shock.

"There are some things that a man has to do, Minerva. Now that the game is complete, he realizes that real feelings exist. He simply has no choice but to act on those feelings. He risks losing her if he does nothing." Albus returned her look with equal candor.

"Really? Too bad you don't follow your own advice." Minerva pushed back her chair and strode out of the hall straight down the center aisle. Her every stride radiated anger.

"What did I say!? Minerva! What did I say?!" Dumbledore stood up and called after her retreating back. Dumbledore sat back in his chair and looked over at Harry and Severus. He saw the same questioning and unknowing looks mirrored in their faces.

Madam Hooch, Madam Pince and Nurse Pomfrey shot some well-deserved glares at their indelicate headmaster and his two equally oblivious male cohorts.

"Albus, you may be the greatest wizard of our times but you can be so obtuse about the things that really matter," Madam Pince said.

"Like what?" asked Albus.

"Love, friendship, life, marriage, companionship," Nurse Pomfrey put in.

"Severus' intentions are honorable. If they weren't I would not have sanctioned all this," Albus replied.

"Albus, I will only say this once so listen well. There comes a time when every man must look into his OWN house and see what's missing."

"What does that mean, Poppy?" asked Albus exasperated.

Harry had been quiet throughout following the conversation in his own quiet way. He stood up and declared to no one in particular "I have to talk to Ginny. Severus, Headmaster, I'll be back in the morning. Excuse me, everyone."

The ladies beamed at him.

"You were always bright, especially when you put your mind to it, Harry," said Madam Pince.

Harry followed the same path down the aisle as his former head of house. The ladies followed him out.

Dumbledore looked at all the remaining males at the table. "What is with all the women today!?"

So ended one of the strangest and most eventful dinners at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.