One week later
Lou walked out the barn, her mind on all the tasks she could tackle for the day. If she could just keep moving, keep working... Maybe she wouldn't have to think about how she had laid herself bare to her family. They had all been accepting and reassuring. Except for Jimmy. She had managed to avoid him since that awful argument her first day back. He had been kept busy in town, though Lou suspected Teaspoon might have something to do with his hectic schedule.
Rachel tried to coax her into conversations, as did Teaspoon. Buck was often with her, but seemed willing to give her space and time. Lou sometimes felt bad about keeping them at arms' length, but she wasn't ready to answer questions. She had shared much about her disastrous years in Virginia, but she wasn't quite prepared to give up all her ghosts. She hadn't even meant to share Kid's letter with Jimmy. But part of her wanted to blurt out all the ugliness she held inside.
She had imagined it several times already. She would tell them everything, confess each sin. Their faces would probably show their shock initially. But that would soon be replaced with disgust and anger. And if they didn't leave her, they would force her to go. They might not say the words, but it would be obvious she wasn't wanted.
Theresa tried to convince her that she was wrong. 'C'mon, Lou. They love you. I love you.' And that was the worst part. Lou knew there was love for her. But how could she accept it when she knew it was undeserved? There was a tiny corner of her heart that begged her to take the chance, to remember how wonderful it felt to truly be part of a family and be loved. A voice would always come to her as she was about to give in, reminding her how it felt when Kid left.
Right now she was locked in a dance with destiny. That she was meant to be alone in this world was a fact she no longer doubted. But she sought to delay the inevitable. And so she pushed them all away, hoping they would try to hold on to her... Afraid they might succeed. It was exhausting, this endless struggle within her. She was losing her way. At night her mind refused to quiet, making sleep elusive if not impossible. During the day it drove her to work her way to oblivion. And when the darkest of her dark thoughts began to torment her...
She saddled Lightning and set out to work on the new fence. The back door slammed, and she heard Rachel call out.
"Lou! What about breakfast?" She couldn't quite make out Rachel's face, but her tone was concerned.
"I already ate somethin'." Misleading perhaps, but not a lie. "I'll be back later."
"But Lou!" Rachel's voice faded as Lou urged Lightning to a gallop. She headed toward the end of the completed span of fence to begin work. Buck had business to take care of in town and at the livery. He had told her that the fence could wait until he came back, but Lou thought this was just the kind of job she could lose herself in for a few hours. She appreciated the space Buck gave her, but she could still feel his concern like a weight on her shoulders.
She reached the end of the fence and got to work.
Jimmy rode out to the ranch, determined to talk to Lou. He had allowed Teaspoon to keep him away long enough. At first he was a bit relieved to avoid her. He wasn't even sure what he was going to say. He knew he had to ask her about the letter. What the hell did Kid mean by all that? The one thing he knew he couldn't bring up was how he felt about her. He couldn't go down that road. She was sure everyone would leave, and he knew that he was the one person in her life most likely to go. He would never walk away from her willingly, and contrary to her beliefs he never had before either.
He had never wanted anything or anyone the way he wanted her. He had felt lust before. Affection too. He had cared for other women, but no one was like her. She was the only woman who had managed to find a lasting place in his heart. Lou was a friend, and at one point he had been tempted to make her more. But "Wild Bill" had no business getting close to someone worth caring about. The fools drawn by the lure of outshooting a legend wouldn't care if they hurt her, he'd already seen it happen in Willow Springs. He loved her too much to put her in that kind of danger each day, nor did he want to be responsible for leaving her behind like the Kid.
Damn you, Kid! He had stepped aside because the Kid had promised Lou the very life he never could have. Security and peace. And then he took her away and left her alone, worse than alone. She was alone and waiting, always waiting. Waiting for him to return. Waiting for her life to begin.
Even if he wanted to tell Lou what was in his heart, how could he? She was Kid's. She was still counting the days since he died. He needed to remember where her loyalties would be. She had loved the Kid for years, he couldn't expect her to be ready to move on. How could he compete with the Kid's memory? Don't be a fool! What'n the hell do you think you could offer her anyway?
He reached the house and tried to prepare himself to face Lou. "Lou? Rachel? Theresa?"
"In the kitchen, Jimmy." Rachel's voice came to him through the open windows. He walked through the back door and found the table laden with breakfast.
"Looks like I'm just in time." He smiled at Rachel as he swiped a biscuit and took a bite.
Rachel gave him an amused look. "I guess that would depend on what you came for. If it's breakfast you want, you have perfect timin'." Her face grew serious. "But if you wanted to catch Lou, you're too late. She already rode out of here 'bout half an hour ago. I figure she went to work on the fence."
"But I saw Buck in town before I left. He was gonna start this afternoon." Jimmy pulled out a chair and sat down. "She left before breakfast?"
"Said she already ate," hmphed Rachel. "She hasn't eaten enough to keep a bird alive since she's been here, so I don't know how much I believe that."
"Is she tryin' ta work herself into an early grave or just starve to death?" Jimmy's voice was tight with anger.
Theresa's voice answered from the hallway, "She be happy either way."
"I'm sorry, Theresa. I-" Jimmy silently cursed his temper.
She reached his side and placed a soothing hand on his arm as she sat down. "Don't be. You're exactly right. Sometimes I think that's what she's hopin' for." She gave Jimmy and Rachel a rueful smile. "I was really hopin' that things would be different here. She was so lookin' forward to gettin' here, but the closer we got to Rock Creek... The more she sort of retreated."
"She was like this in Virginia too?" Rachel joined them at the table.
Theresa shook her head sadly. "If you can believe it, she was worse. She worked herself from sunup to sundown. It wasn't quite as bad when 'Miah was still livin'. But when we got sick and then lost 'Miah..." She shrugged. "She didn't really say much to y'all about it, but she had the fever too. I still don't know how she not only pulled through, but managed to take care of me and him. Sometimes I think she's too stubborn to let anything get in her way."
Jimmy and Rachel had to smile. They were both well acquainted with Lou's stubborn streak.
"I don't know how she dragged herself to that barn to feed the horses or how she could take care of the two of us. She don't like for me to say I owe her my life, but she blames herself for losin' Jeremiah. I was finally gettin' to the age that she could be more of my sister and less like my ma. But then the typhoid came and she had to be my ma again." Theresa stopped to take a drink. "'Miah's passin' hit us both hard, but that and my heart meant that she had to shoulder all the responsibilities of the farm on her own until..."
"Until Kid came home," finished Rachel.
"Right. And then came word that he was wounded and real sick. By the time she found him, he was gone too. Then she really was alone." They were all silent for several minutes, before Theresa continued. "I'm so glad she came back here. And I know she ain't been easy to live with, but I also know that you won't give up on her. I, I know that I don't have much time left." Her voice caught. "I don't have much time left, but it makes it easier knowin' that you'll be here for her."
"Oh, Theresa, don't talk like that!" Rachel covered the girl's hand with her own. "This clean air and sunshine will get you strong in no time."
"It's okay, Rachel." Theresa smiled. "I don't wanna die, but I ain't afraid. 'Miah and Ma will be waitin' for me, Kid too... But I am worried about Lou. She ain't gonna take it well. She won't even let me talk about it with her. I hate knowin' that this will be one more thing that brings her pain. She'll think she failed me, even though everyone knows I'd never have even made it this far without her."
She looked at Jimmy knowingly. "It does my heart good to know that she's with people who love her. She might be stubborn as a mule and proud to a fault, but she's the best person I've ever known. And I know you all feel the same way. I just hope I have time to make her see it too."