Ten
"Do you want something to eat?" Ziva asked as she looked at the clock; 7:30.
Tony shook his head. "No, I'm good."
"It was not a question Tony, you have not eaten since this morning." Ziva said.
"I'm not hungry." Tony told her.
"How about a bowl of soup? Just one, you need to eat something." Ziva said.
"I'm really not hungry Zi."
Ziva nodded. "Alright." She said. She sat back down on the couch beside him and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. Tony flinched, and she dropped her arm.
"I am sorry Tony, I did not mean to scare you." Ziva said.
"You didn't, it's just sore." Tony said.
"I am sorry." Ziva said.
"It's fine."
"Are you okay?" Ziva asked.
Tony nodded. "I'm just… thinking."
"Thinking about what?" Ziva asked.
"Everything. Why this happened." Tony said.
"You cannot do that Tony. You are going to make yourself crazy." Ziva told him.
Tony nodded. "I know, but I can't stop. I don't know how to stop."
"Can I touch you?" Ziva asked.
Tony nodded. Ziva wrapped her arm around his waist, careful to avoid sore spots and bruises.
"Try and think about something else." Ziva said softly.
Tony shook his head no. "I can't." He said as he turned his head toward her, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Ziva bit her lip. She didn't mean to upset him. She brought her leg up onto the couch and put it behind his back, so she could wrap her other arm around him. She started to massage his back gently as she kissed his cheek.
"Talk to me." She said softly.
"I don't know what to say."
Ziva nodded. "Come here." She said as she leaned against the back of the couch. She guided Tony to lay down with her, so he could just lay down and sort out his thoughts for a few moments.
"After my mom died, my dad taught me that men aren't supposed to be vulnerable. They're supposed to be the providers, they're supposed to be able to protect themselves and everyone else."Tony said quietly.
"And feeling like this is embarrassing to you? It is making you question your masculinity?" Ziva asked.
Tony shrugged. "I don't know. I guess."
"You do not need to be embarrassed around me Tony. You know that right?" Ziva asked.
"Can I ask you something?" Tony asked.
Ziva nodded. "Yes."
"You still trust me, right? As your partner? And to protect you at work and stuff?" Tony asked.
"Of course I do Tony. Why wouldn't I?" Ziva asked.
"Because I couldn't defend myself." Tony said.
"Tony it is not your fault. It is incredibly difficult to defend yourself when you are grabbed from behind by two men." Ziva told him.
Tony nodded. "I just, I feel like I shouldn't need you like this. I should be able to work this out by myself. I shouldn't need you to comfort me so much." Tony said.
"Everybody needs comfort Tony. It is nothing to be embarrassed about, and it certainly does not make you less of a man." Ziva said, rubbing his back gently.
"Really?" Tony asked, looking up at her.
Ziva smiled. "Really. Just let me be here for you. It is okay to need someone, and it is okay to let someone support and help you."
Tony rested his head back on Ziva's chest. "Okay. I love you."
Ziva kissed his forehead softly. "I love you too."
"Can we just eat and go to bed? I'm exhausted." Tony said.
Ziva nodded. "Sure, what do you want to eat?" Ziva asked.
"That bowl of soup sounds pretty good."
"Alright, are you going to stay here?" Ziva asked as she stood up.
Tony nodded. "I think I'll be okay if I can hear you."
"Alright." Ziva said before walking into the kitchen to prepare their supper.
XXXXX
"Do you want to sleep in my bed or on the couch?" Ziva asked as she put the two bowls in the sink to be washed later.
"I think the bed might be a little better." Tony said.
Ziva walked over to the couch to help him up. Tony wrapped his arm around Ziva's waist to help support himself as she led him down the hall to her bedroom.
"Do you have a side?" Tony asked.
"Left." Ziva told him as she steered him toward the right side of the bed.
Tony sat down on the bed before he eased himself down onto the pillows.
"Do you want me in here?" Ziva asked.
Tony nodded. "Please."
Ziva smiled and flicked off the light, then walked back over to the bed and crawled into her side. She covered herself with the comforter and Tony moved closer to him. Ziva opened he arms for him and he rested himself against her body and sighed, content.
"Goodnight." Tony said, already half asleep.
Ziva smiled. "Goodnight Tony. I love you."
She felt Tony smile against her. "I love you too."
XXXXX
Ziva woke up to the sound of the shower running. She opened her eyes. Tony was gone, and it was still dark outside. She looked over at the clock on her nightstand – 2:00 in the morning.
She threw the comforter off her body and walked out into the hallway. The bathroom door was closed. She walked toward it and opened it slowly. Tony's clothes were in a pile on the floor.
"Tony? Are you okay?" Ziva asked.
No response.
She walked over to the shower and pulled the door open. Tony was standing in the shower, leaning back against the wall, holding his penis in one hand and a wash cloth in the other, scrubbing himself almost violently.
Still fully clothed, Ziva stepped into the shower and closed the door behind her.
"Tony, what are you doing?" She asked.
Tony kept scrubbing.
Ziva reached out and put her hands on his arms gently to stop him. He shrugged her off.
"Tony, look at me." Ziva said slowly.
Tony didn't pay any attention.
Ziva moved to stand in front of him, underneath the shower head, and the water that hit her back was almost scalding. She blindly reached behind herself to turn the tap toward the cold side.
"Tony they are gone. They are not on you anymore. You cannot scrub them away. I understand that you feel you need to, but it will not work. It will not help you, all it will do is hurt you." Ziva said as she reached for his hands again.
Ziva wrapped his fingers around the hand holding the wash cloth and pulled it away from him gently. He let her take his hand and take the wash cloth from him. She hung the cloth on the rack attached to the door. She brought her hand back to unwrap his left hand from around his penis.
"Sit." She said, nodding toward the bench along the back wall.
Tony did as he was told, and Ziva sat down next to him.
"What happened?" She asked, stroking Tony's palms with her thumbs.
He shrugged.
"Was it a dream?" Ziva asked.
Tony nodded.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Tony shook his head no.
"Alright. Do you want to go back to bed?" Ziva asked.
Tony nodded again.
"Okay." Ziva said. She stood up and turned off the water.
Tony stood up and opened the shower door, then stepped out.
Ziva stepped out after him. "Did you get a towel?"
Tony shook his head no.
Ziva stepped into the hallway and grabbed two towels out of the closet and handed one to Tony. She peeled her wet clothes off and dried herself off quickly. By the time she was done, Tony hadn't even started to dry himself off.
"Tony?" She asked gently. She didn't want to touch him, in case she startles him.
Tony shook his head silently and held the towel out to her.
She took the towel from him.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
Tony nodded.
Ziva observed his face for a moment. She should feel honored that he trusted her enough to do this for him right now, but instead all it did was make her worry.
She dried him off as thoroughly as she could and reached for his clothes, so she could help him into them.
"I don't want them." He said quietly.
Ziva stood up to look him in the eye. "Would something else be more comfortable?"
"It's too tight in bed. They were hurting me." He said, looking away from her.
"Okay, so you won't sleep in anything." Ziva said simply.
She took his hand and led Tony back to the bedroom. Tony laid back down on the bed and covered himself up quickly. Ziva didn't think she had ever seen him with the look of shame that was on his face right now. She thought he was ashamed because he felt vulnerable being naked and bruised. She knew what that felt like.
"I am just going to shut off the bathroom light, alright?" Ziva asked.
Tony nodded. "Yeah."
Ziva walked down the hall to the bathroom and flipped the light switch into the off position.
When she walked back into the bedroom, Tony had himself covered up with the comforter, all the way up to his neck, and he was staring up at the ceiling.
Ziva walked over to the dresser and opened the drawer that held all of her comfortable clothes for sleeping, but ultimately decided against clothes, hoping it would help Tony if she made herself as vulnerable as he felt.
She dropped the towel that was wrapped around her body and walked toward the bed. Tony's eyes went wide.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"Getting into bed." Ziva said simply.
"Without clothes?" Tony asked.
Ziva nodded and turned to look at him. The shame on his face had been replaced with fear, and Ziva knew she had made a mistake.
"I can put clothes on if you like Tony." Ziva said.
"You will?" Tony asked.
Ziva nodded. "Of course, if you want me to. I just thought that if I was also naked maybe you would not feel so embarrassed."
Tony nodded, tying to process what she was telling him. "So, you weren't going to… you don't want…" He trailed off.
"Want what Tony?" Ziva asked.
"Sex." Tony mumbled.
"What did I tell you earlier Tony?" She asked seriously.
"That you're not ready, and you'll wait until I am." Tony said quietly, shame creeping back into his features.
Ziva nodded. "And I meant it." She said as she walked back toward the dresser.
"Wait." Tony said.
She turned back.
"It's okay. I don't mind." He told her.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
Tony nodded.
Ziva walked back over to the bed and sat down. "I am sorry I scared you. That was not my intention."
Tony nodded. "I know. It's okay. I don't think I was really even scared. I just didn't want to, I don't know, disappoint you, I guess."
"Disappoint me?" Ziva asked.
Tony nodded. "Yeah, if that was what you wanted, and I said no, I didn't want to disappoint you."
Ziva sighed. "There are two things I need you to understand about me, right now, okay?" She said.
Tony looked up at her, listening intently.
"I know how you feel right now. Maybe not exactly, but I understand what it is like to be terrified of something you enjoy. It is horrible, and it takes a very, very long time to get back to a place where it is not scary anymore. I do not want sex from you until we are both at that place, alright?" Ziva said.
"Okay." Tony said. "What's the second thing?"
"It is important to me that you want to have sex, if we ever get there. And you will not ever disappoint me by saying no. If you do not want to do something, you have every right to say no, and everything will stop, no questions asked." Ziva told him firmly.
Tony nodded. "Alright."
Ziva pushed her legs under the comforter and laid down on her side, facing Tony.
"I love you, and I want you to be happy, and I want you to feel safe with me no matter what." Ziva said, kissing his cheek gently.
"I do feel safe with you Ziva, and I am happy."
Ziva smiled softly. "I am glad. Do you want to try and get some more sleep?" She asked.
Tony nodded.
Ziva reached over and turned off he lamp on her bed side table. She laid down and Tony slid closer to her. She wrapped her arms around him, and he tossed his arm over her torso.
"Goodnight Zi." Tony said.
Ziva smiled. "I love you."
Tony lifted his head to kiss the corner of her mouth. "I love you too."