I awoke the next morning to find that my breakfast tray had been left at my side, a letter nearby. I had not known what to expect in that morning, I felt as though I were the only person still existing on earth, as though the letter and food had mysteriously appeared by some inhuman hand. It did not matter to me by what hand it had been brought, I had no interest in either.
In that first moment, I would have liked to have asked God to take me out of the world, but in the next I felt my unborn child move inside of me, and I knew that I was not alone, and that I had no choice but to move on with my life, if not for myself then at least for the sake of my child.
Determined to do so, I knew that I must rely on the Lord for the strength to get me through this ordeal. I was grateful that I had been exonerated from any blame in Edward's scheme by the police, I also knew that even though I had been guilty of a multitude of sins, God would forgive me of my sins and that I would be able to rely on him in what would surely be a challenge in the days to come.
I forced my self to get out of the bed; I had no appetite so I reached for the letter first. It was from the estate of my Uncle John, I was surprised to see the letter to say the least; anything regarding him was the farthest enterprise from my mind that morning.
The letter, as I read it seemed to hold all the answers to the questions that had surrounded me in the last several hours. Upon hearing whom it was that I married Uncle John had apparently recognized Edward's name and knew that he was already married. The name Bertha Antoinetta Rochester was mentioned frequently. Just as Edward had said to me, Richard Mason was again identified as her brother, and as a friend of my uncle. It was apparently common knowledge in Madeira that Edward was a married man of many years; he and she had been married in Jamaica, but Richard had since moved to Madeira and often told of his well married sister. The letter also clearly indicated that it was my uncle who had sent word to Mason of our false marriage and he had solicited a Mr. Briggs to follow up on the matter. That is precisely what he was doing when he accompanied the English police to Italy to arrest Edward.
As I thought back to what Edward had told me in the days before I told my uncle of my marriage I realized why he had wanted to prevent me from giving my uncle his name, he indeed did not want to be recalled to the memory of anyone in Madeira for fear that his secrets would be disclosed.
It hardened my heart to think that Edward had schemed against me so, that he was too much of a coward to admit that he had another wife before he took me. Surely I loved him enough that we could have found a way to remain friends even though we could never speak our love, couldn't we? I did not know. I could not know what I would have done in such a situation for the time was passed, and I had no time for considering anything but the future.
I read on in the letter. Apparently my uncle was too ill to rescue me himself, or even to pen his own letters. The letter stated that I was more than welcomed to bring myself and my child to Madeira to stay with him, he would always make sure that we were provided for; he apparently had no difficulty believing that Edward could deceive me as he had. One hundred pounds was enclosed with the letter, it was to be used to travel to him.
After reading the letter I was shocked to say the least. This man whom I had never met had forgiven me unconditionally and was ready to accept an unwed mother into his home, and yet I could not help but look to the news with animosity, he had single handedly destroyed my perfectly peaceful, if oblivious, world of happiness. Would I have ever learned the truth if I had not sent the letter? I could not say, but I knew, as I am sure that Edward knew, that there was little chance that our indiscretion would be found out otherwise, especially once we had crossed over into America.
I understood perfectly then all of Edward's actions during our marriage: the tour had been his way of fleeing, everything else a way of keeping me from being suspicious. I did not know then what his motive was, surely my company was not worth the trouble, the risk involved in his scheming. Two days before I had believed Edward when he said that he loved me, believed that he loved me as much as I loved him, now I was not certain what I should believe; all that I could say for certain was that Edward had lied to me about one thing, had he lied about everything?
I threw the letter and the money to the floor, it was like looking at a grizzly accident, I laid myself back onto the bed and looked at nothing, my mind was so full of all of the questions of my life that I had no idea what was around me. I realized then that I no longer knew myself as I once had, I only knew myself now as an ignorant, naïve, gullible girl, a girl who had gotten herself into a dreadful situation with no way out. Where was the determined, intelligent girl of a year ago? I closed my eyes against the torture of my tears and knew the answer. That girl was gone and had been for some time.
When had she gone: the day of my marriage, the day after? No, I knew that she had slowly disappeared like a mist on an April morning like the ones I had taken strolls through at Thornfield.
Ah, Thornfield; where I had once been so filled with hopes and dreams! Edward had told me to go back there, I knew not why, in my anger I could think of no reason. I had allowed myself to lose that equality I had proclaimed to Edward there and had let it become an old, washed up thing of little importance in my life.
It was God's grace that got me through that day, for Edward had lied to me and it was the end of everything that I had held in reverence for the last year of my life, I was once again Jane Eyre, ruined, former governess of Thornfield Hall.
As I dressed and readied myself the following day I concluded that I had only left to plan for my future life and grieve for the one that I had just left behind.
As the current situation stood, I could only lay in wait for the birth of my child.
During that day, however, I was not able to get as much rest as I would have liked; the servants had determined they could hold their tongues no longer.
After a few individual inquiries I decided that I must postpone personal matters to pursue the matters of business. I knew that many a mistress (for as much as I hated to admit it, that is what I had been) had lived in a home purchased with their lover's funds. I also knew that this did not diminish their status as mistress over their household; I made sure that all of my servants knew this, and many of them conceded. Sophia told me later in private that she was only relieved that she would still be allowed to live there and receive an income; I knew that Edward kept some money in the house and that, for the time being, we would have plenty if I budgeted wisely.
After a brief nap I was awakened by a knock on my door. It was the nursemaid, Sissy: I allowed her to enter. When she came in I immediately was able to tell that she had something important she wished to discuss, she sat her heavy frame down into a chair near the door and drew out a sigh before speaking, "Ms. Eyre, as you know, I have been a nurse for many years and I have attended many children, but I must tell you that I have never taken on a position such as this one." She cleared her throat and looked me in the eye, "What I mean to say, of course, is that I have never attended the child of an unwed mother, under any circumstances, and I must tell you now that I do not think I can afford to do so. I have worked for many privileged families and I am well respected for the families I have attended, however, I do not think that I could keep that status if I agreed to stay here any longer, Ms. Eyre. That is why I must find myself a new situation. I shall be gone in the morning, Miss."
Before I could say otherwise she had left my chamber. I felt truly alone in that moment. I did not know all there was to taking care of an infant, and now my primary source of information had left me because of my sullied reputation.
I shut it out of my mind. With all of the problems I had been facing, I could not dwell on that detail. Helping me was only a paid position to the woman; she had no obligation to stay. With the Lord's help I would get through the ordeal of child birth and raise a happy and healthy child in the process.
I was determined to try and make my life resemble normalcy, everything had changed about me and I had no choice but to find a new way to adapt. It was not until I put myself to bed that I again let my thoughts drift to Edward.