"I'm so sorry, Crys. It was…oh, nevermind, we can talk about that later. Are you feeling okay now?" Jen's face was etched with concern.

I immediately felt guilty.

"I'm sorry, Jen," I shook my head.

"What for?"

"You're busy. I'm disturbing you, aren't I?"

She hit me on the arm. "Don't be so silly! I'm your agent. I was only having that meeting because of you. But more importantly," she

turned grim, "I'm your best friend. Now, will you tell me why you refused to let me call up that bastard?"

I sighed and stared at my hands, twisting my fingers around each other. It was a nervous habit.

"Crystal…don't make me beg."

"I'm sorry, Jen."

"Quit saying that!"

"It's hard. I….you're going to hate me when I tell you this," I winced as I finally turned to look at Jen.

She lifted her eyebrows but remained quiet.

I took a deep breath and continued, "It wasn't just that he was cheating on me. He…I let him…I let him hit me…"

Silence filled the entire house. It had never been this quiet before. Jen had never been able to stay this silent for this long. Ever. I stole

a quick glance in her direction, and only then did I realize that she had turned white from shock.

"You. Let. Him. Hit. You." she repeated. "You let him hit you? Crystal? How?"

"I didn't leave him. I couldn't leave him. I needed him."

"Did he tell you that?" she hissed. "Did that lying sonuvabitch tell you that after he laid his hands on you?" Jen was clearly out of shock

now. She was seething with anger.

"He might have said it. But he was right."

"Crystal! How can he be right? He hit you! He deserves to be in jail!" Jen was practically yelling now.

I shook my head and started to cry.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you," she took a deep breath. "Was that why you would disappear for days at a time?"

I nodded weakly. "I couldn't let you guys see me. You'd have known. And I couldn't…I just couldn't…I didn't want anyone to know."

"Why, Crys?"

"Because I was ashamed," I whispered.

At some point, Jen had taken my hand in hers and was now squeezing it tightly. We stayed like that for a while, both in silence.

Finally, Jen spoke up, "You didn't deserve to be treated like that, Crystal. Look at me."

I lifted my eyes to look at her.

"Steven is a lower life form than I ever imagined he could be. He never deserved you. He probably knew that himself, that's why he was

insecure enough to lash out at you and…" I could see she was trying to hold back tears, but she took a deep breath and continued. "He

was so insecure he had to convince you that you needed him in your life. So you wouldn't leave him."

"I loved him."

"I know you did, Crys. But he didn't love you. If he did, he would never have treated you that way."

"I knew."

"Knew what?" asked Jen.

"I knew that he was sleeping around."

"What?"

"Of course I did, Jen. I'm not blind." I shook my head and laughed scornfully. "I confronted him about it. He said that I should mind my

own business and…and slapped me across the face."

"Fucking bastard."

"I was so stupid, wasn't I?" I hung my head in shame.

"Yes, Crystal, you were. So stupid."

I looked up in surprise at her reply, caught the twinkle in her eye, and we both burst out laughing. I took a deep breath, a different one

this time. One that awashed me with a sense of relief I hadn't felt in 2 years. I gave Jen's hand a squeeze.

"I know that it's hard to understand, but I didn't know that I was being stupid."

"Crys, I didn't really mean it!"

I shook my head. "No, Jen. I know you didn't. But we listen to these kinds of stories and think that there must be something wrong with

the woman for wanting to put up with shit like that. I know I did."

"So was there something wrong with you?" she smirked.

"Maybe. But in the moment, you can sort of justify why he did what he did. And afterwards, when he apologizes and explains why he

did what he did, it echoes what you were thinking anyway. So then you start believing that he was right. That he couldn't help himself.

That you provoked him so much he had to do it. That he still loves you. That he'd never do it again if you never make him so mad

again."

Jen had tears in her eyes.

I smiled and squeezed her hand again. "Yea, so my shrink may have had something to do with that discovery. I guess I shouldn't take

all the credit."

She burst out laughing.

"Are you still seeing Dr. Cooper?"

"Not as often. But maybe I should go in again soon."

"Good. You let him handle your little discoveries. I'll handle that bastard for you."

"No, Jen. Please, I'd rather you don't," I begged.

"Why not? He could use a little lesson or two. After getting away with it for so long," she huffed.

"Because I just want it to go away. I'll just change my number. If I ignore him enough, he'll go away again. Like he did the last time."

"OK! Enough with the puppy eyes! I won't, I promise. For now," she muttered.

"OK, you promised!"

I started twisting my fingers again.

"Is there something else, Crys?"

"I…it's Mark."

"Mark Ballas? What about him? Oh, don't worry about practice. I can just call up and arrange another session for you if you want."

"No, it's not just that."

Jen looked at me expectantly. As I turned red, her face dawned with realization.

"You didn't! Omg, tell me you didn't! You did? You did!" She bounced on the seat with joy.

"Shut up! You're as bad as Elaine," I scolded.

"What? You told her before you told me?" Jen said indignantly.

"No! She doesn't know. She suspects, but she doesn't know. Don't tell her!" I warned.

Jen leaned over to hug me tightly. "I'm so happy for you! Wait," she leaned back and gave me a questioning look. "I am supposed to be

happy for you, right?"

"I guess," I shrugged.

"You guess? What is that supposed to mean? Doesn't he make you happy?"

"Very!" I blushed again. Jen noticed and smirked.

"I can see that. So what's the problem then?" she asked.

"I dunno. I feel like we're moving too fast. And I'm afraid…it scares me. It feels like Steven all over again…"

"Just because your relationship is moving forward faster than you expect it to doesn't mean it's a bad thing, Crys."

"I did the same thing with Steven. I just, I need time, so that I can trust myself around him. I need to trust myself around him."

"He's not Steven, Crystal," Jen said reassuringly.

"Funny. That's what Elaine said, too."

"That's because we can both see that he's not Steven."

"I just need time, Jen. I have to trust him, trust us."

"Well, then have you told him everything about yourself?"

"What? Why?"

"Everything, Crys. If you're serious about him, he needs to know."

"But…"

"But what?"

"What if he can't accept it?"

"It?"

"That I'm not normal. That I have to see Dr. Cooper."

"The whole town is seeing someone!"

"But…"

"Crystal Chen! It's not your fault. He either accepts and supports you, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, well then Mark Ballas is not

worth your time. Finish the show and forget him."

Easier said than done.