*Author's Note: This was a pretty sad chapter to write, and it was particularly hard to get inside Zero's head. But I hope you enjoy it, and let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Knight.

I sighed. I had been sitting in my bed the entire day, lost in thought, every once in a while having to stop myself from crying again. It was pathetic. I needed something to do, a distraction.

I got up slowly and headed away from my bed. At my closet, I took off my uniform, throwing it on the bed behind me. Although I had not gone to class today, I had walked to the moon dorm earlier today to take care of some things and had dressed in the disciplinary committee clothing so that the guardian would let me pass.

As I searched through my sparsely populated closet looking for something to wear, I couldn't help but think of Yuki, for perhaps the thousandth time today.

What if I never saw her again? That was a definite possibility. She hated me now, I just knew it. And she must be terrified of me, of what I had done to her. I couldn't bear the thought.

Maybe if I never saw her again, it would be for the best. Though I knew it would break my heart, I thought that maybe never seeing her again would be easier than watching her every day in silence, openly loathing my very existence. It would be easier than seeing the fear in her eyes.

Finding something to wear, I quickly dressed. I had made up my mind. I was going to leave. It was all I could do for her now, the last kindness I could grant her. I shuffled through my closet, trying to grab my things to pack in my bag. As I was shuffling through them, something fell out onto the floor. I looked down to see what had dropped.

Again, I was overwhelmed by a pain in my heart. It was simply a picture. A picture of me, standing in front of the camera, looking less than amused, and Yuki standing behind me. She was mostly covered up by me, but the top of her head poked out behind my shoulder and I could tell by her eyes that she was smiling, though her mouth was not visible behind me.

I picked up the picture and sat down on my bed again with my gun in the other hand. I remembered the day this was taken. We had been about to go out on patrol and the headmaster had come bounding out of the house, insisting that we take a picture. I had sighed, barely cooperating and kept the annoyed look on my face. Yuki had stood up on her very tip toes in order to be seen over me. She had put her hand on my shoulder and smiled a bright smile. A smile I would never see again.

Could I really do it? Could I really leave, without ever seeing her face again, even if I knew the only thing I would see in her eyes now was anger and fear? I knew deep down that I was not that strong. I would never be strong enough to leave her. I couldn't even look at a stupid picture without feeling the ache in my chest. There was only one option left to me.

I pulled back the slide, readying the gun in my hand and dropping the picture simultaneously. Slowly and deliberately, I brought the Bloody Rose up to my forehead and put my finger on the trigger. As I was about to shoot, the door to my room flew open and Yuki came rushing in, my name on her lips.

She stopped. Seeing the gun to my head, she hesitated for only a second before acting.

"What are you doing?!" she screamed, running towards me.

She jumped on me, flinging me down on the bed and catching the gun that was in my hand, holding it down. She was quick, but I was quicker, and stronger.

Before she could react, I used my hand to catch her shoulder and push her off me, flipping her over. I swung around using the force of that maneuver. She was now on the bed with me on top of her. Grabbing the gun by the barrel, her hand still holding it, I brought it up to my forehead again. She stared at me in shock and horror.

"Shoot me," I said softly. "Before I turn into a level E. I want to die, and I want you to kill me," I finished darkly. At least if I had nothing else, I could know that I had died by her hand, and that it had been what she wanted.

She shook her head vigorously, her wide eyes looking up at me. I looked back at her and lowered the gun, my eyes narrowing. What was she thinking?

Reaching for her neck, I ripped the bandage, which I could tell had been recently applied by the scent of new blood, off of her.

"You heard it too. I know you did. The sound of me drinking your blood. You can't pretend like everything's ok. Not after going through something as awful as that," I said bitterly, my voice shaking more towards the end. I took two fingers and lightly grazed the place on her neck where my fangs had pierced her, trying not to hurt her open wounds.

"Zero, listen…" she started to say quietly. I interrupted, needing to finish explaining to her.

"I tried. But I could no longer control the part of me that wanted your blood. I'm afraid this is going to happen again, and when it does I'll end up killing that person," I said, trying to make her understand. I brought the gun to my forehead again, her hand still on it.

"So shoot me," I said forcefully. "Admit it; you're afraid of me right now aren't you?" I said, the bitterness again creeping into my voice as it rose. She shook her head, looking as if she was about to cry again.

"I can't do it. I just can't…" she said softly, sounding like she could barely hold back her tears. It made me angry. Why was she getting so choked up over me? Did she not realize I was dangerous? I had just last night drunk her blood. I could have killed her, and still she was crying for me, a monster. If she wouldn't kill me, there was only one option.

I dropped the gun on the bed and got off of her, picking up my bag. She didn't even move as I headed towards the door, intending to leave that very moment. I looked back at her, trying to memorize her beautiful, sad face in the moment I had. It was impossible. It could never do her justice. But I was out of time, and I needed to make sure she knew not to come looking for me. It was time for the final blow.

"Fine. Then leave me alone," I said harshly, walking out of the room without hesitation.

Once out in the hall, I picked up my pace, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to gather in my eyes as my throat constricted. I got to the door separating the dorm building from the outside and opened it, walking out into the cold night air and letting the door slam behind me.

I was so caught up in my emotions that I didn't hear the fast-approaching footsteps. I was about half way down the walk that lead to the front gates of the campus when I felt Yuki's tiny, warm arms encircling my waist from behind, and I heard a pained, "Zero!" come from behind me. Automatically I stopped, relaxing my muscles yet again so I wouldn't hurt her.

"Look…it's gonna be ok," she said, hugging me tighter, and I was swept up in a flash of memory.

It was only weeks after I had come to live with Yuki and her adoptive father. I had barely spoken, and when I did, it was only a brief word or so to Yuki. She had been kind to me, but I suspected that it was only because she had to be.

I sat down in a corner, my mind replaying the horrible scene of my parents screaming, being murdered by a vampire. Why had they died, and I lived? I didn't deserve to live. I wanted to die.

I had brought my hand slowly up to my neck. Somehow causing myself physical pain seemed to numb the ache in my heart. I had dug my fingernails into the soft skin on my neck where the twin bite marks were and slowly carved bloody trails into my neck. Somehow I felt better. I hadn't noticed Yuki standing hidden behind a wall, but as she saw what I was doing, she rushed over to me, kneeling beside me and grabbing my hand, stopping it. She brought my bloody hand up to her head, and put her own hand on my cheek.

I had turned to face her, seeing her tear-filled eyes. She looked so sad.

"Stop! It's gonna be ok…" she had said, letting her tears fall freely down her face.

I had not realized until this moment that she cared. Not because she had to, but because she genuinely cared for me. Her tears were real, and they were all for me, because I was causing myself to bleed a little.

I had looked at her then, really looked at her, and it was like I was seeing her through new eyes. This kind girl cared for me. She was the only one, besides my family, who had ever cared for me. Looking at her then, I didn't know why I hadn't seen it before, but she was beautiful. Even with her long hair hanging in front of her face and her large brown eyes puffy and red from the tears she had been shedding for me, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life making her smile.

As I was brought back to the present, I looked up at the stars, reflecting on that night so long ago. Looking back, I realized that was the night I had truly fallen in love with her.

"Yuki…" I said, my voice shaking as I thought about how all I had ever wanted was to make her smile, and all I had ever seemed to do was cause her pain.

"For the past four years…I've stayed by your side, and I had absolutely no idea what you were going through. I am NOT afraid of you," she said, her own voice shaking with emotion, as she hugged me still tighter.

"No matter what, I'm still gonna stay by your side," she finished softly.

"Yuki…" I said, barely above a whisper, overcome with emotion for this beautiful, sad girl who couldn't even see a monster standing right in front of her.

For this moment, only this moment, I let her hold me, comforted by her presence, refusing to acknowledge my sense of reality, and deliberately deluding myself into thinking that we could go on like this forever.

*This was a hard chapter to write. It's obviously very emotional for Zero and he contemplates even taking his own life. So as to why he's so indecisive, how could you not be after almost killing your best friend? It's no wonder he doesn't know what's best. Anyways, thanks for your read and please let me know what you thought!