Chapter 10: And I thought I Was Skin and Bones

I shivered as I stared up at the hill, watching a fire blaze where Kallian had taken Alistair, Morrigan and Scout to take on the first wave of zombies. It had begun.

I gulped and clutched my staff like a lifeline.

"It is alright to be afraid. It will keep you sharp during the fight"

I smiled queasily at Leliana's kind tone.

"Do not let fear control you. It will be your death"

I grimaced. Thanks Sten. What would I do without you.

They were both right, though. A dose of fear would keep me alert to my surroundings. Too much and it would paralyse me. That would be bad. That's how people got killed.

This wasn't my first large battle. I'd been at Ostagar for crying out loud -I know I didn't actually fight there, but still-. Except that at that time I'd been half convinced all of this wasn't real. It was harder to pretend now, after spending day after day in Thedas. After developing real bonds with living, breathing people. But the same drive that got me through a fucking battlefield of darkspawn before rang true this time as well.

I didn't want to die.

My radar pinged. Dots of hostile creatures coming from the lake. I called out a warning, doing my best to keep my voice steady. The last thing we needed was to get caught up on a panic wave. I knew better than most how contagious emotions could be.

Deep breaths.

"Flaming Weapons"

Leliana's notched arrow lit up. The zombies came into view.

We waited. More and more were coming. They reached the grease trap we set and some slipped in a way that would've been comical had things not been so dire.

"Now" Sten's voice cut through the silence like a whip, and Leliana let her arrow fly.

Strangled screams filled the night as our trap went up in flames, making the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I shivered in anticipation, waiting for the signal to let loose of all the pent up energy raging in me.

Sten's battle cry resounded and our side of the battle exploded in a flurry of movement. Archers attacked in unison, sending a volley of arrows at those who managed to pass by the initial barricade, while the melee fighters ran to intercept the fastest zombies, those who'd managed to pass the Grease check and hadn't received the speed penalty. I joined in, sending purple blasts of magic wherever I judged they were needed the most. I'd been counting on Combat Tactics to help me keep a cool head during the attack, and I was not disappointed. As strung up as I was, my head was clear, my emotions aiding me instead of working against me. Not only the fear, but the anger at those who would try to mindlessly harm me and my friends, and all the innocent people at Redcliffe.

They were so going down.

Our strategy was working. The fire gave us a passable view of the fight, making it easy to recognise friend from foe. The warriors protected the rangers, as we handpicked the most injured zombies and took them down quickly to keep their numbers from overwhelming us. My Spell Wisp was up and running, my Rock Armour well in place, noticeable only for the occasional puff of dirt. I'd enchanted both Leliana's and Sten's weapons as well as another archer's with flames. Three was the best I could do, so that's what they got. I trusted the former two to make the most of the extra oomph in their attacks, while the other archer was tasked to keep the oil burning as far as it would go. While sustaining those spells, I casted Walking Bomb on those zombies that were far away and bloodied enough that they'd explode between their own, long before reaching our lines, helping them along with the staffs basic attacks. Whomever I attacked with that last spell had to go down fast, as I got a ton of agro from that one individual.

After several tortuous minutes, the second wave came. The undead managed to break through our first line of fighters, and all hell broke loose.

People on our side went down, the battlefield loosing every scrap of organisation we'd tried to hold on to. Rotting corpses raged through our ranks, moving faster than I would've thought possible. I couldn't keep up with the picture as a whole, and had no choice but to pay attention to what was in my direct line of sight. I wasn't supposed to fight face to face, I had to take down any uglies coming in my direction before they got to me. Again and again, one after the other.

They were endless.

Two barrelled down on me at once. When I realised everyone else was busy with their own fights, I desperately blasted them with my magic. I alternated my attacks between the both of them, trying to keep them equally bloodied. Once they got close enough, I raised my staff in the air and stunned them with Mind Blast.

They stood there, dazed, so close I could see every decaying plane on their drooling faces, smell their sickening burned odour.

I swung my staff and pointed it at them.

"Flame Blast!"

Unnatural sounding shrieks filled my ears as they burned for a second time. One of them fell, and when the other raised its hand to hit me with a maul I panicked and stabbed it with my lighting rod.

The pointy end of my staff went through its gut, and the corpse let go of its weapon and collapsed unceremoniously at my feet.

I gawked at it, disgusted and amazed.

The shrill sound of a very human scream had me turning around. My eyes landed on none other than Lloyd, disarmed and trembling before a sword-wielding monstrosity. No choice. I let go of Spell Wisp.

"Walking Bomb!"

My spell hit the undead, who pivoted in place and came straight at me. I made a mistake. It was too close and not injured enough.

No matter.

I did the same thing that'd worked with the previous two, button-smashing the basic attack until it came close enough.

I heard Lloyd scream again, and saw him backing up, another zombie bearing down on him. A somewhat annoyed flick of my staff and a single mental command shielded him, buying me some time while I dealt with ugly number one.

Okay, that's close enough.

"Mindblast"

I felt my mana built, then the spell fizzled out.

It fizzled out.

Why!? I was keeping an eye on my mana, had enough…

No I didn't. The Force Field.

"Fuck"

I raised my staff sideways, desperately trying to block. The zombie's hits were erratic at best, but there was strength behind them, and it pushed me back. I went down.

Get up. Get up, get up, get up!

The zombie's sword came down just as something slammed against its side.

I got on my feet in a hurry to see Kallian cutting its throat with her daggers. She stood and turned to face me, a maniac grin on her face.

"Having fun?"

An exhausted laugh escaped me. I shook my head "No"

She shrugged and turned to stab an incoming monster in the face. A well-aimed kick and a slash of her dagger and I knew it wouldn't stand up again.

She was so freakin' HEROIC.

"Thanks" I said as I finished a lesser lyrium potion,

"No problem. Don't let them get you down again"

"Roger"

She straightened, looking puzzled "I'm Kallian"

I opened my mouth, then changed my mind "You know what? Nevermind"

She shrugged again "Hey, let's have one of those creams made of ice you keep telling me about when this is over. Maybe it's the heat of the battle but I find I really want to try one of those"

I had to laugh "I can't even, Kallian"

We both threw ourselves back into the fight. After what was probably the most surreal thing that happened to me since… well, ever, I felt a lot better. I don't know how she did it, but talking to Kallian just made me see the situation, grim as it was, in a much clearer light.

I found Alistair fighting a group of three whole -kinda- zombies that had attempted to get at Lloyd while he prayed inside my shield. He was standing his ground, and I realised he had kept an eye out for him like he told me he would.

Such a sweetheart.

An undead slipped past his stance. Alistair noticed, but he was too preoccupied with the other two to be able to do much about it. I saw the very moment he decided to take the hit.

Not on my watch.

I swung my staff like a baseball bat and brained the undead. It fell. I stepped on its back, rested the end of my staff lightly on his head and shot it with a basic attack.

I'm no rogue, but that, was a critical hit.

Alistair gawked at me for a moment before necessity made him regain his focus. With a grunt, he pushed back his other attackers and between the both of us, we managed to make short work of them.

He grinned down at me "Thanks"

I winked at him. See? I could be heroic, too.

Daylight washed away the last remnants of the battle. It was over. As expected, we won.

And good riddance.

After the top of the cliff group joined forces with us low-landers, we recovered our advantage. There were lots of injured people, and healers were spread thin. I helped as many as I could, but I was tired as well, we all were, and two men died as a result of their injuries before anyone could get to them.

The total death count was six people. I knew, compared to what the village had gone through, it wasn't a high number. I knew, but that didn't keep me from grinding my teeth at the number. It was six too many.

Teagan made a speech, regretting those who'd fallen in combat, and honouring their memories. He thanked everyone who joined arms in the defence of Redcliff. He made a point to thank our group, hailing us as heroes, and specially thanked Kallian, who seemed a bit taken aback when he bowed his head to her.

"Yes. You're welcome"

To a casual observer, she was standoffish, but Kallian was clearly nervous and unused to a situation like this, so she tried to cover it up by speaking plainly. A tiny smile escaped me. A Bann bowing to a city elf. I hoped the people here remembered who'd saved them.

The Chantry mother said a few words and the villagers stood in a moment of silence for the lives lost. Bann Teagan then proceeded to assure the village he would infiltrate the castle and rescue his brother. Which we all know meant we were infiltrating the castle and rescuing his brother.

"Meet me at the mill after you've rested" he said.

Hah. What did I tell ya? At least he'd given us a few hours to recharge.

We let Teagan go ahead. Kallian went with Alistair and Sten into the Chantry to return Kaitlyn's longsword while the rest of us waited outside, under the shadow of one of the buildings. Though I think Sten, sword fanatic that he was, just wanted to see the fate of the Green Blade.

As soon as they were gone I was hit by a wave of faintness. I turned and sat down, my back leaning against the wall, head between my knees, waiting for the nausea to pass.

"Maya, are you alright?" Leliana's concerned voice sounded right beside me.

"Yeah" I said without lifting my head "I'm okay, just a little dizzy"

Scout's whimper sounded at my other side. I raised my hand and he licked and rubbed his head against it.

"Tis' no surprise" Morrigan's voice came from in front of me "After healing so many, the meagre rations they had to offer would scarcely be enough to replenish your energy. Why you would bother to do such a thing at the expense of yourself is what truly astounds me"

Leliana went from worried to anxious "Oh no, I didn't realise" I peeked at her when she put her hand on my shoulder "Don't worry, I will fetch you something to eat right away"

I stopped her getting up with a hand on her forearm.

"I have some food in by bag. I—"

"Understood, I will bring it to you"

She was off before I could finish.

"…I'll go if you just help me up. Damn, she's fast"

"And so servile"

"It's called being helpful, your highness" I commented sarcastically, hanging my head again.

Morrigan harrumphed "There is a notable line between being helpful and falling over yourself to serve others" she crossed her arms and gave me a pointed look "At the expense of your own health, I might add"

I cringed, head still down so she couldn't see it. She was right. "Point taken. It was probably not very smart of me to heal so many people when I haven't slept all night, huh?"

"Oh, self-awareness. How delightful. Indeed, take care not to make the same mistake twice. I would hate to lose a source of information before I learnt everything I wished from them"

"You say the sweetest things to me" I sighed. I really didn't feel like picking a fight right now, so I tried changing the subject "Speaking of which, have you thought up any more questions for me?"

"I have. I suppose tis' a good a time as any" she looked at me sharply "I do not recall you ever using Rock Armour before. Yet, last night you cast the spell as if you had done it many times before. Tell me, when and how did you learn that spell?"

Whoa. Note to self: do not underestimate Morrigan. I mean, I reckoned she'd notice eventually but… Well, she was observant, that's for sure.

I took a breath and leaned back. Scout took the chance to lay his head on my lap. I scratched him behind the ears and smiled. He was too cute.

Now then, how to respond. Hmm…

"I'll answer that. But it's difficult to explain. Let's see… The exact moment I learned the spell was the day we fought that group of darkspawn, right before reaching Redcliffe. I knew the spell existed before, of course, but only had access to it after a gained enough experience" I mulled over the next part. For the record, I blame the light-headedness for my bluntness "The thing is, once I reach certain requirements, I could learn the spell instantaneously"

Morrigan's face looked like she'd bitten a particularly sour lemon "Surely you do not expect me to believe such a tall tale"

"Tis' the truth, my friend" I smiled kindly. Turning someone else's understanding of the world upside down is always fun, but I didn't have to be a complete ass about it.

Morrigan's face blanked for a second, then she turned on her heel and with a "I'll return later" she walked away.

I stared at her retreating form "Maybe I should've just asked for the next question" I told Scout.

I swear his answering bark could be roughly translated to 'ya think?'

"Yeah, well, I'm not at my 100% okay?"

He gave a snort and settled on my lap again.

"You're right. Let's give her some space. She'll be back when she feels like it" I petted him again "Thanks cutie"

Leliana came back first, carrying my backpack like a baby. I accepted it gratefully and shared a cookie with her for her efforts. She delighted at the flavour, and promised to keep it a secret. Those chocolate chip little pieces of heaven were the only sweets I had left, and so help me I wasn't sharing them anywhere Sten could get a whiff of them. Chocolate is bad for dogs though, so I bought Scout's silence with one of the treats I'd gotten from Bella. He seemed content with that.

Kallian and the others came back shortly after, and told us we'd been given a place to rest for a few hours. I informed her the gist of what happened with Morrigan, but she just shrugged and told me she'd be back eventually. Like master, like dog.

I hadn't registered what being provided with a place to sleep meant until I was face to pillow with a bed. An actual bed. I barely had enough of a mind to wipe down with the basin of water someone had provided before putting on my PJs and jumping into bed face-first.

Heavenly. Even without springs, it beat the hell out of the floor.

A feminine chuckle sounded behind me "How long has it been since you slept in a bed?"

"Too long" I sighed blissfully "I hope you don't mind but I'm passing out in about ten seconds"

Leliana laughed again "I don't mind. I hope you don't mind sharing the bed"

"Hey, sharing is caring" I patted the other side of the bed in invitation.

I felt the bed dip when Leliana got in, and was halfway to la-la land when she addressed me.

"Your nightwear is very… peculiar, Maya"

I grunted sleepily "…Guess so. S' normal where I come from" Just your average grey sweatpants and a pink sweater.

"The place you come from sounds wonderful"

"Mmm" I murmured.

"I would very much like to visit it once. If you decide to go back after all this, perhaps you could use some company, no?"

I yawned "'Kay. If I can go back… you can come too"

Leliana asked me something else but I decided to pretend to be asleep. Drowsy as I was, I wasn't giving her more than that. I wanted to get her thinking, not to give her the answers on a silver platter.

And with that thought, I drifted off to dreamland.

I was woken up by Leliana around noon. I whined and grumbled, complaining that I needed my beauty sleep. She told me I was already pretty, so I decided to forgive her.

Man, I'm easy.

We met up with the rest of the group, including Morrigan. She didn't mention anything about what made her bolt before so I didn't mention it either. All in all, we looked better rested after six hours of shut-eye. Technically, a regular human should get between seven and nine hours of sleep, but hell, this was literally war. I wasn't about to give a lecture about the nuances of a good rest. Yet.

We got something quick to eat from the villagers and headed to meet Bann Teagan by the mill.

"How are you feeling?" Kallian asked, walking beside me.

"Much better, thanks" I opened my status screen and smiled contently "My mana is fully recharged"

I'd gotten a few scraps I'd treated by normal means of an injury kit, and even though they hadn't fully healed, my HP was full, too. I still had much to learn about my gaming system, huh?

Kallian's pointed ears looked more downcast than usual "Leliana told me you overused your Heal spell earlier this morning. I'm sorry"

I was surprised at her tone "Hey, what's the matter? Me biting more than I could chew was my own fault"

She shook her head "I was the one who said you healing us was enough. Even when you said you weren't an actual healer; I didn't consider what pressure I was putting on you"

I had a moment of clarity right then. I could see exactly how I could guilt Kallian into going to recruit a healer ASAP. Or, I could clear the misunderstanding and potentially deepen our blossoming friendship.

Choices, choices.

"Kallian, I said so before and I keep thinking we should recruit a proper healer" I bumped her shoulder with my own and grinned "But, I haven't once felt like you've pressured me into anything. As a matter of fact, before coming here, my job involved a great deal of pressure, and I can honestly say casting a spell is much easier than what I used to do"

Kallian blinked several times at me "What did you do?" she whispered.

I laughed "I don't know what you're imagining, but I worked as a… healer of the mind, I guess" at her confused expression, I elaborated "I'm a psychologist. I help people with mental health issues by using evidence based treatments. So for example, if you've ever encountered someone who was, say, having trouble because they couldn't stop being sad and that was interfering with their daily life, I would have a specific programme they could follow to get out of that depression"

Kallian looked like she couldn't decide what question to ask first.

"Sad, you say? Seems like a fool's errand, to help someone who cannot bother to help themselves" Morrigan commented dismissively.

Oh no, she didn't.

"People can't decide to stop being sad just like that. If they could, they would" I clicked my tongue "You never fail to find a dumbass who tells you 'just don't feel like that anymore'" I rolled my eyes "I mean, thanks jackass, why didn't I think of that?"

I stopped short when I realised every person in the group was looking at me like they'd never seen me before.

My anger fled me as quickly as it had come "I'm sorry. I get really worked up when it comes to this stuff. I've heard so many stories of people dismissing my patients hardships like they're no big deal" I smiled ruefully "It's not like they voluntarily want to suffer. I don't believe anyone does"

To my surprise, it was Sten who readily agreed with me "The sickness of the body and the sickness of the spirit are not so different. The Asala-taar is a combat ailment of great import to the Qunari in Seheron. No member of the qun would dare presume they do not suffer as they obviously do"

I nodded vigorously "Yes, exactly. If my understanding is correct, what Sten is talking about is what we call Post-traumatic stress disorder. I'm not gonna get into that right now but it has to do with how our brains process stuff. Sometimes, in an attempt to protect ourselves from great distress in the present, our brain goes down a road that brings us more trouble in the long run"

Kallian managed to find her voice again, and asked one question after the other that I was happy to answer. As I said, I liked talking about my job. I had the feeling I'd only seen the tip of the iceberg of queries in Kallian's curious mind when we reached the mill.

There would be time for that later. For now, we had a castle to storm.

Hope you liked the chapter! Next one we go into the castle and Maya makes an important decision. Tun tun tuuuun~

Thanks for reading!