Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
A/N: Heartbreaking, tragic, intense. Did I miss any words to describe that last chapter? It was all of those things, but you all seem to have tolerated it well enough. I'm having a tough time myself getting past that – so while it's still emotion-riddled, nothing as intense as that was. Thanks for sticking with it and thank you so much for all the great reviews you are giving! It means the world to get the compliments you're so willing to give out. A few of you are quite perceptive when it comes to thinking about where this story is taking us as far as Edward and Bella meeting. Hopefully it lives up to your expectations. Here it is…
perfectshadeofdarkblue
Best Definition of Good Intentions
10 – The Sunset Still Looks Fake to Me
The Cullen household only seemed to get quieter over the course of the next day. After Carlisle and Esme had spoken to Charlie, they filled Alice in on the situation to prepare her for what they expected would be a long road to recovery for Bella. Alice didn't take the news well. Anticipating where the story was going, she began crying only after a few sentences were muttered. Emmett returned home during the retelling and, after being filled in on the gory details, needed to be calmed down from his angry. He hadn't gotten the chance to witness the state Bella was in, but his temper got away from him at the will of his sheer imagination. That night Alice slept in the guest room, afraid to even stir Bella.
In all the worry about Bella, who didn't get out of bed once the entire next day, Carlisle and Esme forgot to be worried about Edward's transition. His first night in Forks resulted in a restless sleep. He tossed and turned throughout the night, unable to feel at ease. He woke several times, in a sweat and unable to associate himself with his surroundings. He felt lost.
Late the next morning, he padded downstairs, still in his pajamas. Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie were all sitting in the living room, silently watching the television.
"Morning," Edward greeted, taking a seat at the chair facing Emmett. He had grabbed some toast from the kitchen and was now eating it while his gaze drifted around the room. He'd never met Jasper or Rosalie, although he'd heard quite a bit about them during the vacation in Italy.
"Hey, man. I'm Jasper," Jasper waved, unable to get up because Alice was leaning against him, blankly staring at the television.
"Rosalie," she stood and leaned over to Edward to shake his hand. As she sat back down next to Emmett, she took in Edward's appearance. Granted his hair was a mess from sleeping and it didn't look like sleep had been good to him, but Rosalie was sure that once he cleaned up a bit, he was as good looking as Emmett.
"Nice to meet you both. So what's going on?" Edward said, finally taking in the sullen looks.
Jasper looked to Alice for permission before answering.
"Have you met Bella?" he started.
Edward shook his head in denial.
"Bella is Alice's best friend." At the phrase, Alice clenched onto the pillow she was holding. Jasper tightened his grip around her, understanding how much it hurt her to know there wasn't anything she could do to make the situation any better. For her sake, he tried to word it as gently as possible. "She came over yesterday after she walked in on her mom having an affair."
The gasp escaped Rosalie's lips. "What?"
They all just looked at her. "Rose, I told you about Bella."
"No, Emmett. You told me she found out her mother was having an affair. You did not tell me she walked in on it!" Rosalie couldn't believe Emmett would leave this sort of detail out. Here, Rosalie had been sitting, not really understanding why everyone was so bent out of shape over Bella – especially Emmett. So her mom cheated, that sort of thing happens. Rosalie felt awful for not being more considerate, for letting her jealousy get the best of her. Their reactions were completely normal and not just normal for the fact that they considered Bella a part of the family.
"I don't mean to sound rude, but does it really matter?" Edward said in a hard voice.
Now it was his turn to be stared at.
"It just seems to be a moot point - a matter of semantics."
They kept staring at him.
"Sucks either way," he amended, unconvincingly.
They all dropped their eyes. How could they be so insensitive? Edward could practically read their thoughts. Here they were, openly talking about parents, which they assumed would remind him of his. And to think, he'd started the day off so well.
"I'm going upstairs," he announced and left the room.
Edward spent the rest of the day in his room, only coming down for meals. Throughout the day, Alice would bring a tray of food up to Bella. Every time she opened the door to her room, she found that Bella had barely moved from her last position. She was still in bed, assumed sleeping, with her back to the door. Alice replaced the tray on the desk each visit, bringing the untouched food downstairs.
The Cullens' first official night home for dinner as a new family, they didn't eat together.
That night, Edward sat on the bed that Alice and Esme had picked out. Cross-legged, facing the large window – just like he'd been most of the day. His thoughts were lost in the starry night above Forks.
He couldn't believe how different the sky looked here from Chicago. Often Edward had sneaked to the roof of his building during the night to steal looks at the sky. In fact, his favorite place to take a girl on a date was the Sears Tower observation deck. Even though it was a bit touristy, not enough city residents took advantage of the view. There was something exhilarating about watching the city from on high. Edward particularly enjoyed looking down on Navy Pier, imaging the fun times others were having on the Ferris wheel. The distance was far too great but that didn't stop him from thinking he could see the joy on their faces.
That was a typical first date he planned. And his date's opinion of his favorite sight, seeing Navy Pier from 108 stories up, determined whether there was a second.
Edward looked around his room, eyeing the luggage he'd yet to unpack. His entire life had been transferred from Chicago to Forks in a few measly suitcases. When packing, he'd decided to throw out most of his things, not wanting to bring the memories they'd contained with him. For a moment he debated unpacking but eventually decided against it, opting for sleep instead.
He tossed and turned in the dark for a few hours before giving up on sleep entirely. He threw himself out of the bed and began putting away his belongings hastily. He was hoping that maybe he'd feel more at ease if he showed some sense of ownership over the room. After hanging his last shirt, he removed the framed family photo from his suitcase. Staring into the sparkling eyes of his mother, he realized he'd never again hear a comment about his looked just like hers.
Tears had begun to fall by the time he set the picture on his nightstand and crawled back into bed.
His tired mind finally shut down and provided his body with the rest it so desperately needed. He reveled at the sensation of sleep that was slowly working its way into his muscles. But just as his muscles were completely relaxed, he felt his body jerk awake.
He was standing at the entrance to the Sears Tower on Wacker Street in Chicago. In the dark, the glass of the building towering above him reflected the light of the moon. Looking around, wondering how he got there, he noticed the street was completely deserted. Even at whatever time of night it was, this street was never deserted. People were always milling about in Chicago. Then, as though time sped up, the sun rose quickly in the sky. Edward was now blinded by the amount of light being reflected. He shut his eyes tight, trying to adjust.
At the sound of a horn, his eyes flew open. He watched as a car approached. Only when it passed his spot on the sidewalk did he realize it was his parents' car and that they were inside. The car began to slow as they came to a stoplight. Edward watched as the light changed from red to green. He watched as the car accelerated, passing underneath the glowing green light. He watched the car spin out of control as another car blew through the intersection, colliding with his parents.
Edward sat up in bed. His breathing was heavy and sweat was dripping down his forehead and bare chest. Slowly he left his bed and pulled a shirt on as he walked down the stairs. He knew there was no chance he'd fall asleep again after that.
-
Bella looked up when she heard the door click shut. The aroma of food had hit her when Alice walked in the room with a dinner tray, but Bella continued to pretend to be asleep. She really didn't feel like having to talk. She breathed in deep and felt sick to her stomach. There was nothing in her stomach to displace since she hadn't eaten since the morning before. At the smell of the food, she realized she wasn't hungry, even though she felt like she should be.
Bella sat up in bed and stared at the food. She could see the steam rolling off the bowl of soup and eyed the crackers sitting around the edge of the plate. Nope, still not hungry.
She laid back and didn't need to try in order for sleep to claim her. No matter how much sleep she'd gotten over the last 24 hours, Bella didn't think she'd ever be rested. Maybe if she slept enough, she could convince her body that it was all a dream – that none of it had ever happened. One could only dream.
And dream she did. Several hours later she awoke with a start, after reliving the entire experience through a dream. She couldn't get the sight of Renee's torn shirt on the floor out of her mind. She tried to fall asleep, but the images remained.
Getting out of bed, Bella figured missing a few minutes of sleep to get a glass of water wouldn't kill her. She hoped the movement, after being still for so long, would tire her body.
After replacing the glass in the sink, she was making her way out of the kitchen when something caught her eye through the windowed wall. Someone was sitting outside. The person was so still that Bella wondered what it was that caught her attention. Without thinking, she walked closer to the door leading outside, her eyes never leaving the stranger.
Finally she noticed the movement that had caught her eye. She paused before opening the door, watching his head slowly shake. The tiny moves were throwing the moonlight off his bronze hair. Bella stood still, looking at his profile against the dark forest. It almost appeared as though the skin on his face was shining.
She pushed the door open, intrigued. She walked slowly, not wanting to alarm this person. In the back of her mind, all the possibilities were racing. This could be a burglar. The front of her mind asked why a burglar would be sitting outside the house. She couldn't think of an answer to that.
Her eyes were riveted as the skin sparkled even more. Tears, her mind filled in.
He was crying.
Edward, her mind thrust the answer forward.
Of course, the only other person to be awake and moving at this time of night would be the only other person in the house going through a heartbreak similar to hers.
She sat down in the chair across from him. Slowly his gaze met hers, but neither said a word.
As Bella stared into his crying eyes, her mind finally shut up. Looking into his eyes like sunsets, Bella could sense he was waiting for her to say something. She couldn't get past the beautiful, glazed-over green that was staring back. There was so much sadness for what had come to pass, but she could also see the promise of a tomorrow, just like a sunset - a promise of something to come after the night, after the darkness.
"I'm sorry." The apology escaped her lips.
"Excuse me?" Edward focused on her. For a moment he'd gotten completely lost in her sadness that he'd forgotten the silence between them was not natural. Now he took the time to really look at the girl sitting before him. She'd looked like hell, he thought. Her hair hung down her shoulders as a tangled mess. Her face was chalky, transparent almost. Her eyes, rimmed with red, were full of sadness. As if Edward's heartache wasn't already enough, the pain multiplied at the possibility of something hurting a person as much as whatever it was, being reflected in this girl's eyes. Then he realized, this was Bella. This was the girl who'd walked in on her mother. Suddenly, Edward felt terrible for dismissing her pain so easily earlier.
"I'm sorry," she repeated louder this time. "About your parents."
At the funeral, Edward had become familiar with the look of pity from people when they offered their condolences. He saw nothing of the sort from Bella. Was it envy he saw in its place? He nodded his head, not knowing how to respond to such a sincere comment.
"I'm Bella, by the way." Her voice was rough, heavy with sleep combined with a hoarseness that came from not speaking for a few days. Almost as if she was out of practice.
"I know," he answered softly.
"Oh," Bella hadn't meant to interrupt his time outside, but she'd had limited contact recently and was itching for a conversation. But she didn't want to talk about what happened. She thought maybe Edward could understand that. "Impressive, isn't it?"
"What is?" Edward was having a hard time keeping up, but maybe he just wasn't trying hard enough. He'd let his mind wander again, thinking of the stars in the sky.
"The stars, the sky. The whole thing. Take your pick," the words flew out of Bella's mouth as she watched his gaze shift. She was surprised at finding how easy it came to talk again. "It's all just so impressive."
"How do you mean?" Edward inquired.
"Well, I guess I'm talking about the stars mostly. But they wouldn't be the same without everything else. You don't think it's impressive?"
Bella could actually tell Edward was taking the moment to really think about it. She watched as he turned his eyes back toward the sky and ran a hand through his messy hair.
"I guess, I just never thought of describing it as impressive before. Beautiful, yes, and breathtaking, sure, but more I thought, captivating," he answered honestly. "Why impressive?"
"Just think about it. For how many years have people looked to the stars? And for what purposes? Mostly guidance, right?" She looked to him for agreement and he nodded his head. "But the kind of guidance is what makes it so different for each person. The sailors who travel by the North Star, or used to at least, use them for actual guidance. And shooting stars – people who make a wish on them are simply hoping for their lives to be guided in a certain direction. We often view our heavens as being among the clouds and stars – the new homes to those that we've lost. And you, you're looking up for guidance, too."
His attention was back on Bella when she turned her enlightened thoughts back to him. She gave him a small smile.
"You may not just know it yet," she corrected.
"What makes that so impressive?" Edward's voice was hard now, purposely ignoring her assumption.
"You don't get it?"
He shook his head.
"Every single person on this earth can look up and see this same bright night sky. And each one can and will take something different from it, depending on what they need right then. Just like us right now, we're both seeing something different."
"And what are you seeing?" Edward forgot the anger he'd felt only moments before. He was constantly being surprised by the words leaving her mouth. They were both in such similar situations, they were both in the wake of such tragedies, how could they be seeing something so different?
"Impossibility."
"What?" Again, he was caught off guard.
"Tell me what you see and I'll explain."
"Hope."
"Why?" she asked, trying to pull a few more words from him. His voice was soothing, rich like velvet and she longed to hear more of it. She could hear the hope in his voice and thought if she hear it enough, some would make its way into her heart.
"You first," he insisted.
"Fair enough. Right now, I can't wrap my head around the idea that there's so much more out there," she motioned to the sky. "Those stars, shining, twinkling down on us – I can't believe they're so far away. I can't believe they aren't what we imagine."
"What do you imagine?"
"A pentagram," Bella joked. "So explain hope."
Bella had succeeded in lightening the mood. Edward didn't feel so self-conscious about explaining if she was laughing. "All the endless possibilities the stars hold. That makes it difficult to think that anything's not possible." With a sad laugh, he added, "Kind of opposite of what you're saying."
"But that's okay," Bella quickly insisted. "You have to see what you see. If you see hope, then that's where the stars are guiding you. I just can't make sense of mine right now."
A tear fell down her cheek.
"I'm sorry, too, you know," Edward whispered quietly in the dark. "About what you saw."
"Don't," Bella toughened herself up.
"Why not? You can mention my parents' deaths but I can't tell you that I'm sorry you're in pain?" His anger took over again.
"I don't want your pity."
"My pity?" He was shocked. After all the fake reassurances he'd gotten over the past month, he would never attempt to do that.
"I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want you to think that it's such a shame that my parents purposefully pulled away from me. That they purposefully showed me they don't care anymore. At least your parents died loving you. You can move on, you are moving on, because you know that. And what am I left with?" Bella was practically shouting, begging for an answer.
Edward had never thought of it that way. All this time, he'd felt mad that his parents are left him to fend for himself. Not mad at his parents, but mad at the world for working in this tormented way. He'd never focused on the fact that his parents hadn't chosen to rip their family apart – they'd been forced to leave.
"You're right," he confirmed, still staring into the night. He didn't think he could take seeing another human this hurt.
"What?"
"I said you're right," this time he looked straight at her. He ignored her messy hair, her hard demeanor, her sleep-riddled face and focused solely on the depths of her chocolate brown eyes. "My parents died loving me."
A sense of peace washed over Edward. He felt renewed and tired all at the same time. Sleep would finally come easy, he could tell. Pushing back his chair, he stood up and disappeared in the house leaving Bella outside alone.
She sat, not looking at the stars above her, but instead into the dark forest in front of her. Edward's last words rang in her head. His parents died loving him. His family had ended while his parents loved him. Unlike hers. His family had died in love, and hers had died in betrayal. For the first time since leaving home, she let the tears fall freely. She made no attempt to stop them.
But this time, she wasn't just crying over the loss of a love you're never suppose to lose, but also for the fact that a person could be so cruel as to rub it in. She'd found herself opening up to Edward. She'd felt so comfortable talking to him. After being so scared to talk to another person, to tell them what was hurting her, to open up, the first person she encountered she'd thrown the idea out the window. It hadn't mattered when she was around him.
She wouldn't let that happen again. Bella vowed to never again let herself be disappointed by another person. She vowed to never be disappointed. Disappointment only came from reality didn't match expectations – Bella would never have expectations again.
Upstairs, Edward crawled into his bed, smiling as sleep came naturally. He sighed, marveling at how never again would he be faced with a sleepless night because of his parents. A smile spread across his face at the mention of his parents. They loved him. How could he have forgotten such a simple fact? They loved him and would still love him. He had to remember that. He had to remember that they were looking down on him, showing their love in the life he continued to lead. They were watching from on high.
Edward reminded himself to properly thank Bella in the morning. She'd done what no one else could in the past month. She'd made him smile at the memory of his parents, and she hadn't even been trying. What an amazing accomplishment he thought.
As sleep washed over him, he recounted the entire evening. It had started with him sitting in his room, never feeling more alone, remembering how he judged his dates over their opinions of the Chicago night. It ended with him sleeping alone in his room, but feeling the greatest for the first time since that fateful night. Bella had freely offered her opinion of the stars, surprising Edward time after time. It hadn't even been a date and Edward thought she deserved a second one. It was truly amazed at how healing she'd been without trying. He was looking forward to see what else she had hidden up her sleeve.