Chapter Ten
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"The heart has reasons that reason does not understand."
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Trust me…
Trust…
Kam wasn't sure he'd ever trusted anybody, not really. Not in a long time… not since I was a little kid and didn't know any better, he thought bitterly.
He was sure there had been a time he'd trusted people…
He stared down at his wrists, at the tattoos, lines and numbers, clearly stating to whom he belonged. Suddenly he pulled his arms around him, so he wouldn't have to look at them any more, another sob suppressed. Why did I show him? He wondered.
There was probably a small bounty on him. Nothing big enough to attract the attention of anyone dangerous, just enough to make turning him in worth someone average person's while.
Trust…
Trust me…
What reason did he have to trust Jack Harkness?
Because he had blue eyes? Lots of men had blue eyes.
I know… believe me I know… what it's like to feel you can't trust anybody... trust me.
He could almost still feel Jack's lips on his wrists… the soft kisses he'd placed there. Tender kisses… he shuddered again.
"I trust you," the words slipped out into the air. "I trust you because I feel like I've known you my whole life even though that makes no sense at all." I trust you even though I have no reason to.
He pulled the blanket tighter around him self so he was wrapped up tight and wondered, again, if he was trusting Jack Harkness, the real Jack Harkness, or the man in his dreams. The spectre.
The Dashing Hero who would never use a coffee table as a chair, because Dashing Heroes didn't do that. Dashing Heroes were perfect.
I will always love you. I will never forget you.
The voice in his dream had never promised to be perfect, he'd only promised to love him.
Kam hugged his arms around his battered body.
Even if he did trust Jack Harkness, there was Mr. Smeed. Fletcher. Leese. Others. Jack could never choose a bed-warmer over half his crew. No Captain could.
No one would. No one could.
But if he could just get through the next six months… then what? What was he really going to do if stayed, if he made it through the next six months? His contract would be up and then…then there was nothing but uncertainty.
How did I end up here? He wondered. A few days ago everything had seemed so clear and now he had no idea what he was doing.
He tried picking at the food the Captain had brought. For him. That is what he'd said, wasn't it? He brought him back some food… why had he bothered? It didn't matter, he couldn't eat anyway. It smelled grand and the few bites he took were amazing, but his stomach was a mess of quivering knots and confusion. He was sure that if he ate any more, he'd only throw it back up again.
He curled up under the blanket and closed his eyes. He hadn't intended to fall asleep, but the Captain's settee was soft… it smelled like him… cinnamon…musk… a scent so familiar he barely questioned how he knew it so well. Resting there with his eyes closed, it was hard to be afraid even though the thing that had always frightened him most in life was uncertainty and the moment, he didn't even know what to expect out of the next few hours, let alone the next six months and beyond…
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Jack grinned when he saw Smeed coming up a service hatch. "Just the man I wanted to see," he beamed brightly.
Smeed looked at him, and the trunk he was carrying. "Why do I have the feeling I am not going to like whatever it is you're looking so glib about?"
Jack gave him a merry wink, "Because you worry too much," his tone was indeed glib, although he tried to make his next question sound more serious. "How would you like a couple more days on Omega to figure what's really wrong with the sensors?"
"And we'll be stayin' a few days more why now?" He asked because he knew it had nothing to do with the sensors.
"I have the feeling you're going to find a few empty bunks in the morning. We might need to fill them before heading out."
"Why?"
"You're the one who's always telling me I need to hire more of a crew…"
Smeed glowered, his thick arms crossed over his barrell chest. "Why are there going to be empty bunks, Jackie?" his tone matched his expression.
"Breaking their contracts probably sounds better than getting thrown out of an airlock."
Smeed was quiet a long, thoughtful moment. "This have anything to do with you and Mr. Anders?" he asked at length.
"Yup."
"Will his bunk be empty, too?"
"You can find him in mine."
"Have you forgotten what happened the last time…?"
"This is different."
He shot an incredulous look at the Captain.
"Trust me. This is different."
Maybe it was his Welshman, maybe it wasn't, Jack didn't know. All he knew was that there was something about Kam Anders pulled at him in a way he hadn't been pulled at in a long time. When he he thought about him, he felt himself smile. It wasn't just his lips that smiled, his chest surged with it. He had no idea what he and a twenty year old were ever going to find to talk about, but there was only one way to find out.
If it was him, he owed it to both of them… and if it wasn't he still owed it to both of them, even if it didn't last. His life was too long and Kam's too short not to indulge in a little happiness once in a while. Henry was right about him being overdue.
And Mr. Smeed was still giving him a dark look.
"You worry too much," Jack repeated and continued on his way.
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Wind whipped around him in the dark… a clear, star filled sky… a man standing next to him, taking off his coat… putting it around his shoulders… it was so warm… it smelled like him… cinnamon… musk… heat… having the coat around his shoulders made him feel so very, very safe… there had been so much hurt in his life, but standing there in the dark, he finally felt warm again.
You gave my life meaning… you made me whole.
Jack…
You gave me a reason to live.
I will love you forever. When the last star goes out, you'll find me waiting for you in the dark…
Jack.
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Jack softened his footsteps when he realized Kam was asleep.
Seeing him there, curled in on himself, wrapped up tight like he was afraid to let anybody in… he looked so very, very young. So incredibly vulnerable.
Jack felt the familiar surge in his chest. He set the trunk down lightly on the floor and used the controller on his wrist strap to secure the lock on his door. Not even Smeed had the codes to override that. "You're safe," he whispered. But is it really you…? After all these years did you find a way to come back to me…? Could anybody really love someone that much?
He took a deep breath and let it out. He made himself really look at the man sleeping on his settee.
He wasn't Ianto. He didn't have his nose or his hair or his voice. He was shorter. His accent was different. His eyes were brown. His hair was blond.
But Jack had seen that half hidden scowl when he parked his butt on the coffee table and he would bet anything Kam squeezed the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube… although why no one had come up with a better method of dispensing toothpaste in five hundred years was beyond him.
He knelt down in front of the settee and rested his chin on the cushion, studying the sleeping man… boy. Kam was really just a boy and not only by comparison to his twenty five hundred plus years. He was a child whose childhood had been stripped away a long time ago… just like someone else he used to know…
He wondered what would have happened to Ianto if Wendy hadn't taken him in, taken care of him.
If I'm going to… to ever… he couldn't say it, not even in his head. He couldn't admit that he might really be starting to fall in love with this young man he'd only just met. But if I do, it's going to be for you, for who you are, Jack promised them both silently. Kam deserved that much. He deserved someone who would love him for who he was… Not because you remind me of somebody else… he touched the rings again.
To live… to love… to remember… to love again… Wendy's message. Her hope. Her belief.
No one should live their whole life competing with a ghost, Jack told himself. He had to appreciate Kam for who he was, not who he might have been five hundred years ago.
Brown eyes flickered open.
Jack smiled at him. "Sorry if I woke you," he said in a soft tone, brushing the bangs away from the young man's forehead.
"No… not really," Kam's smile was shy. Unsure.
Jack didn't imagine that there had been a whole lot of certainty in the young man's life. "I got your trunk," he said.
"Thank you," his tone was soft; he didn't meet the Captain's gaze. "I'm ok," he said when Jack moved to help him sit up, although obviously moving hurt.
After helping him up, Jack settled himself back on the floor, his back propped up against the coffee table. At least this way, he wouldn't get another one of those surreptitious glowers he was sure the younger man didn't want him to realize he was giving him. "I've decided to stay on Omega for a few more days," he kept his tone even.
Kam swallowed.
Jack could guess at the sorts of things he was thinking… he'd called the authorities, he was turning him in…
"Can… can I ask why?" he queried, still not meeting the Captain's gaze.
He shrugged and handed the younger man one of the plates from the coffee table. The food was still reasonably warm. "I need to find a few new crewmen. Replacements."
Kam almost dropped the plate. "Sir?"
"You don't really I didn't figure out that Fletcher was the one…" but he stopped when he realized that the younger man looked like he was about to crumble. "Hey…" Jack caught the plate before it fell. "I told you. No one has the right to hurt you, Kam. No one has the right to hurt anybody, not like that."
"It wasn't just him," the younger man's voice shook with fear.
"I'm sure Mr. Fletcher will tell all his friends what I told him I would do to whoever was responsible."
Kam was still shaky, but he managed to take the plate back. He wasn't sure he was going to be able to eat, so he just let it sit on his lap. "Captain... I… you… you can't…" you can't chose me over them...
"My ship. My rules. I can promise you that I would do the same thing for anyone under my command."
Kam swallowed, but the lump in his throat remained. He didn't really want to be just anyone… he didn't know what he wanted to be any more.
Jack lifted the plate out of the younger man's lap and set it back on the table and moved himself up to the cushion next to him. He was aware of the uncertainty in the other's soft brown eyes.
He brushed his hand against the younger man's cheek, coaxing him to look at him. Jack drew him gently closer, until his lips touched the young man's mouth. He kept the kiss light, but when Kam's tongue played at his lips, he didn't resist. He let the younger man take control of the kiss. It was just as sweet as he remembered from yesterday… from five long centuries ago.
"You need to eat," Jack told him when their lips parted, many, many long moments later; Kam was shaking. "And you need to get some sleep," he told him gently.
"I need to know where I stand. I need to know… "
"Shhhh," Jack leant forwards and gave his lips another soft kiss. "You are a member of my crew, Mr. Anders. I will expect no less than your best on the bridge." He waited for Kam to nod before continuing. "What you do afterhours is your business."
"Begging your pardon, Sir, but that's not entirely true."
Jack kissed him again, long and hard. "You might have a point, there, Crewman," he winked. Kam's smile made his chest surge. "But why don't we discuss… crew requests… after you've had some sleep?"
"Are you always like this?"
Jack chuckled, "You're just going to have to stick around and find out."
Kam looked at him... the implication... he cleared his throat. "There… there really is no reason for you to give up your bed," he flushed a deep shade of pink when he realized how much that sounded like an invitation… not that he would mind, but… "I mean… I'm shorter than you. I should take the settee."
He shook his head. "My ship, my rules. You're taking the bed."
The younger man started to bite his lip, but stopped himself. "Jack…?" he ventured, not even sure what was making him so bold… the look that crossed his Captain's face told him that it hadn't been a mistake. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."