Chapter 10

Amira sat in the bedroom that she and Syed shared wondering how her marriage was going to survive. Syed seemed to have absolutely no desire for her at all. She had tried all sorts of ways to encourage him. Her face burned as she remembered the humiliation she had felt when he rejected her advances. She just couldn't see a way forward. She couldn't stop crying. She didn't know who she could talk to. Syed refused to address the issue. She never knew what mood he was going to be in from one day to the next. Some days he was exceptionally kind to her, trying to please her in all sorts of ways. She'd feel warm towards him and his kindness would encourage her. She'd try and make love to him but then it was as if the shutters came down. Her natural desire to be close to her husband seemed, if anything, to make him angry. Then he would be despondent for days, hardly speaking to her and finding fault with her at every opportunity.

"Amira?"

Masood was knocking on the door. She hastily wiped her face.

"Yes I'm here." Her voice sounded strained.

"Are you okay?"

Amira was silent. She couldn't trust herself to speak; she knew Masood would hear that she was crying.

"Amira? Syed just called to say that he'll be back this evening. I asked if he wanted to speak with you but the phone cut out."

"Okay thanks"

"Amira, you don't sound okay. Can I help?"

He waited but there was no response from Amira.

"I'm a good listener…"

He could hear that Amira was crying.

"Amira, can I open the door?"

It's okay I'm coming" she said.

She opened the door.

"Amira, what is it love? What's happened? C'mon, don't cry, I'll tell you what, come downstairs; let me make you a drink. There's no one here. Zee's down at the unit. C'mon Amira, Syed will be home later. If you need to talk I'm happy to listen. Maybe I can help?"

Amira just couldn't stop the tears. All the rejection and humiliation of the past few months, all the feelings that she had tried so hard not to give in to were now surfacing and she felt as if she were grieving for something she had lost. She had lost Syed. Had she ever really had him? When she looked back she realised that whilst Syed was always kind to her and assured her of his love, it had been months before the wedding when she had first felt him distancing himself from her. He'd assured her it was nothing; but there was something, she knew it, something he just wasn't telling her. She felt like she didn't know the man she was married to. The person she'd thought he was didn't exist.

Amira couldn't tell Masood a lot of what was causing her so much pain. She just didn't feel able to discuss such things with a man and least of all Syed's own father, but Masood read between the lines and from the few things she did say it was clear to him what the problem might be. Masood had had suspicions about his son for some time; it was an old suspicion that had recently surfaced again.

He had seen the way Syed was whenever Christian was in the vicinity and the way they had behaved together at Denise's wedding had all but confirmed Masoods intuition. Christian was not the first man that Masood had thought Syed may find attractive. There had been a couple of other incidents when Syed was much younger where Masood had suspected that his son may be gay or at least bisexual. He had never discussed these suspicions with Zainab, first because he had chosen to dismiss the thought from his mind since it was just too unpalatable and second because he knew Zainab would never believe it.

Syed had always had lots of female admirers and when he introduced Amira, Masood thought that maybe he had resolved his sexuality. He had seemed so determined to marry Amira, Masood had relaxed, put the thoughts away assuming that it had just been a phase Syed had gone through as a young man. It was quite normal for a young person to have a crush on someone of the same sex who they admired and looked up to. But in the months leading up to Syed's wedding to Amira, those old nagging doubts about his son had revisited him. He had seen Christian and Syed exchange what could only be described as loving looks on a number of occasions and sometimes those looks had been frankly carnal. At Denise's wedding it was plain to him that his son and Christian were more than just friends. He realised no one else had probably noticed and that the two of them obviously believed their secret was safe. He'd tried to put his suspicions out of his mind. Syed and Amira were getting married and maybe he was wrong

Now Masood didn't know what to say to Amira. He wanted to comfort her but he realised there was a possibility his son was gay and like many gay Muslim men before him had chosen not to reveal the fact but to try and live as 'normal' a life as possible and to marry and have children. Masood didn't know how close to the truth he was.

"I wonder sometimes… maybe he just doesn't find me attractive. Maybe there's someone else he likes"

"Amira, you're a beautiful girl, of course he finds you attractive. I just think Syed is a bit…troubled."

"Well, what do you mean troubled? Is he in some sort of trouble I don't know about?"

"No, that's not what I meant. I just think…Syed maybe needs to talk to someone about his feelings." Masood was floundering. He didn't know what to say.

"He talked to Christian all the time. Christian was really supportive, to both of us. Maybe that's part of the problem. He just hasn't been the same since Christian left. I know Christian's gay and everything, but he's just the sort of person that you can confide in. When he was around Syed was much happier. Maybe you men just aren't that good at talking about what you feel and that's where Christian was so good. I'm sure you're right. He does seem troubled by something. He's missing having Christian to talk to and maybe he is afraid to tell me what is worrying him. Maybe that's where Syed is now! Maybe he knows where Christian is!"

Masood wondered the same thing, although if he was with Christian, Masood was quite sure whatever they 'discussed' wouldn't help Amira and Syed's marriage. Amira seemed so cheered by the thought that Syed might be with Christian, Masood felt furious with his son. He resolved to go and see Jane. He wanted to know once and for all if what he suspected about Syed was true and Jane was the one person who might know something. Christian was her brother. Surely he would confide in her. They always seemed very close.

"Look Amira, maybe Christian's not quite so much your friend as you think he is. I think Christian is attracted to Syed and maybe...Oh I don't know… maybe Syed is confused by that." He looked at Amira to gage her reaction.

"Dadaji, that's crazy! Christian doesn't fancy Syed!" Amira laughed

"They're just really good friends. Syed would run a mile if Christian came on to him. Christian just wouldn't do that! He's my friend too. Oh look, I'm just getting things out of proportion. I miss Syed so much. He and I just need to sit down and talk. I know we can work it out. It'll be all right you'll see. Don't worry about me any more Dadaji. I'll be okay and anyway Syed is coming back to me tonight."

She got up.

"I'm going to go and get thing's tidied up in our room, sort my face out." She laughed. "Thanks for listening Dadaji; you've always been so good to me." She kissed Masood on the cheek and went upstairs as if all her problems were solved. She resolved to make an extra effort tonight to look her best and wear something she thought Syed might like and she told herself that things would be okay. They'd sit down and talk things out and she would be supportive to her husband instead of attacking him because things weren't how she wanted them. There were really few options for Amira. She was married. She had to somehow make it work.