Chapter Seven Part Four

The air between the two had gone foully crossed and they didn't say anything for a while. The TV remained off and the book Ren was reading earlier was totally forgotten. They just sat there on the couch, taking their eyes anywhere but to each other, the same stubborness keeping them from talking or even moving. Ren actually almost stormed out of the room when Horohoro ended their earlier dispute. But then he remembered, this was his house and he figured that if anyone was to leave, it was Horohoro. He would've told the bluenette to get out, but he knew how irrational that would be. So the older male remained, either because the idea to leave never occured to him or he refused for whatever reason. Either way, he remained, and they were left in this soundless stillness that echoed with only the clocks ticking.

Such a subtle situation couldn't last long.

Especially for these two.

"Why do you care?" Horohoro's voice, which was surprisingly leveled, washed away the quiet. Ren turned to him, his confusion to the question breaking the monotone on his face. Horohoro looked back, and they both saw on each other's faces that the previous strife had passed.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking to pick a fight. But what I talked about, that was way back in high school. You never even knew these guys. It was before we even knew each other, before we became part of each other's lives. I put it behind me...but you lost it like I was telling you something that happened just yesterday. I just wanna know why."

"...It just irritates me that you were stupid enough to let something so ridiculously wrong get by like that." Horohoro chuckled amusedly to Ren's explaination. The vocalist said it like it was a retorting insult but the bluenette can read between the lines.

"It's true." Ren added poutishly, making Horohoro laugh even more.

"Sorry, I'm not making fun of you. It's just nice to know someone cares about you so much, ya know?" Horohoro beamed a wide smile at Ren, who instantly went silent as he felt heat flush his cheeks. He looked away from the Ainu to the floor, seeing his friend did have a point. And he began to wonder himself why he got so edgy, almost excessively. It wasn't like him to become so discomposed over a series of events that he was completely unrelated to. Regardless of the contents, Horohoro did seem to have gotten over that history, further emphasizing its possible irrelevance.

"...Do you still love her?"

"Where'd that come from?" Ren wanted to ask himself the same thing. Or rather, he'd ask from himself the point of the question. He really didn't know why he asked, it just slipped out. He was just thinking about Horohoro's ex-boyfriend and what happened, what the bluenette had been through. And then, his thoughts led to her, that girl whose name he didn't even know, but was apparently the bluenette's last lover. And then, he contemplates once more on what he has been through and wonders if someone can really let go of all that. Can he really take it all into disregards? How much relevance or irrelevance can he really give it? He claims he forgives them. He says he forgives her. And then...

"I'm just wondering. You say you forgive her, which by the way, I still think is stupid, when you have every right to despise her for just dumping you like that. You even try to tell me what a great person she was as if to defend her. And then to top it off, you mentioned that she was the last person you had a relationship with. And...I just wondered." There. That was the truth that led Ren to his question. That, and there was the unmentioned part about Horohoro's sullen expression that captured Ren the instant he saw it. That look that was so deeply profound, but at the same time, so heavy-hearted with desire. It can very well be connected to her. But Ren still couldn't tell himself what the point of the question was. He didn't know what he would supposedly do when Horohoro answered it. All he knew was, there's a sort of anxiety he felt when he asked, and he wanted--needed to know the answer.

"Well, the answer it no. I did love her back then, and she was a great person. And it did hurt to lose her. But that was back then and it's all behind me. What I felt for her is not in me anymore. Like you said, some things don't last forever." After Horohoro finished himself, to Ren's ambiguity, the Chinese felt relief nestle inside him.

"But..."

"But what?" Ren asked as Horohoro sounded like he's about to make a confession.

"But I guess I'd be lying if I said I forgave them from the start." Horohoro made a bitter smile and Ren couldn't say anything. His obsidian eyes were so distant...and hurt.

"I did blame my ex-boyfriend. When he came to see me at the hospital...the whole time he was there crying and apologizing, I didn't say one word to him. Gave him not one look, just stared out the window until he finally left. It's probably why he transferred schools. And then, I felt like matters came to worst when my girlfriend dumps me while I'm still in the goddamn hospital bed. I thought she'd always be there because we had something strong enough, but apparently I was wrong. And you're right, I couldn't just forgive them just like that." Ren still couldn't bring a word to come out of himself. He hated that he couldn't say anything inspiring to console Horohoro like the Ainu had done for him. But the bluenette smiled at him, not so afflicted with sorrow as he was before, and shrugged.

"It took me a long time to get over it. And after I began to think about and understand the positions they were in, I finally came to forgive them."

"That's...a lot to get over." Ren said in almost a whisper and Horohoro just chuckled. The Chinese knew that his friend had no idea of how much he meant in what he just said. It's not just the prejudice and double betrayal of loved ones, there's also the tragedy of his parents. There's so much the bluenette had to overcome and even through that, he still finds room for forgiveness somewhere in himself. He's been through so much and he's come to become the person he is now. Ren wondered, just how much strenght and capacity was in his friend's heart.

"But you know," Horohoro suddenly began and Ren pulled out of his thoughts and listened.

"I felt like I was being punished for...just loving. So after it all, I thought, so this is it." Horohoro scoffed bitterly and Ren furrowed his brows.

"What'd you mean?" Horohoro took his eyes away from Ren's and sighed.

"I just thought...it's not worth it. That I didn't want it anymore." Something inside Ren crumbled and collapsed upon hearing those words. He was never one to adopt the ideals or logic of love, for his understanding of it was weakness. But he didn't understand why Horohoro would say that. He didn't want know why but Ren didn't want him to say it. It didn't mean that he didn't believe in love, it meant he lost his belief in it. It meant Horohoro gave up on love.

"Is that why she was the last one?" Horohoro still wouldn't look at Ren and his silence was enough to answer the younger male. There was another long, compressing pause coming, Horohoro knew, and he didn't want that. So he turned back to Ren with a smile, hard to tell if it was forced or not, and his voice was light-hearted.

"Maybe not a serious relationship after that, but I've always had my occasional flings."

"Really?" Ren asked, a little surprised at the telling and the sudden change in attitude. For a second he wondered if he was part of that list but a voice inside of him answered that, of course he was. He ignored the piercing feeling in his chest.

"Even after you left Oversoul?" He asked slowly, not sure if he even wanted to hear the answer.

"Well yeah," Horohoro answered casually so as not to sound as awkward as he felt. The only reason he did so was to forget Ren, which obviously, didn't work.

"I still had to get laid. I mean, haven't you had any after you stopped sleeping with Yoh?"

"Wait, how'd you know about me and Yoh?"

"Yoh told me." Horohoro shrugged and continued. "So, you gonna answer or what?"

"...No, I haven't...had any." Ren answered uneasily and Horohoro's jaws dropped with widened eyes.

"Are you serious?!" One of Ren's eyes twitched and he glared at Horohoro who quickly raised his hands in defense.

"Uh, I mean, that's ok if you're alright with that. I'm just surprised, I guess, 'cause you'd be able to get anyone you wanted." Ren shrugged with a careless hn, not giving any valid response to that statement. And when Horohoro saw that he won't be getting any response at all, he quietly asked,

"Do you ever wish to go back?"

"To what?"

"...With Yoh." The bluenette added hesitantly.

"No." Ren's response was unexpectatly blunt and he went on dryly. "If he wanted to stop, then that's fine. It doesn't matter to me."

"...What about with me?" There, he asked the question that was always there. Ren stared at Horohoro, lost for words, unable to read the bluenette's expression. He definetely wasn't joking, but he didn't look gravely serious. The Chinese didn't know how to take it. It wasn't wavering, just still and unchanging, almost patient for Ren's answer. And that's what Horohoro wanted, he wanted to know what the younger male thought, what he wants, how he felt. He's tired of always anxiously wondering, he wants answers. And Ren couldn't escape from his awaiting midnight gaze.

A cell phone rings.

Horohoro realizes that it's his and he picks up.

"Hello? Hey, 'sup?...Really?...Uh, sorry man, I totally forgot...Yeah, I'm on my way." Once he hung up, Horohoro got on his feet.

"Forgot I was suppose to hang out with some friends tonight." He explained and Ren walked him to the door.

"You're lucky the rain stopped." Ren stated when he opened the door and noticed the cleared sky. The seemed to have set a while ago and street lights began to blink on. Horohoro got his shoes on and turned to Ren when he stepped outside.

"Hey, thanks for the stay." He said casually to Ren as if the previous conversation didn't even happen.

"No problem." Ren replied and closed the door as Horohoro walked away.

It was later that night Ren recalled the conversation again to himself. He sat cross legged on his couch with a cushion held tightly to his chest, staring at no particular point on the floor. Everytime he thought about the look on Horohoro's face when the bluenette asked the question, his own face would flush and he'd have to bury it into the cushion as if to hide it from himself. The way he felt, the way he couldn't react, the way he couldn't even utter a single word..he couldn't explain all that.

The stumped male lifted his head from his cushion at the sound of his phone's ringing. Sluggishly he stood from his comfortable spot with an upset grunt and picked up the reciever.

"Hello?"

"'Ello, Ren?...It's me." Ren sputtered choked up coughs at the voice of the bluenette who was the core of his puzzlement, almost stumbling backwards.

"You 'kay, Ren?" Ren then raised a brow, noticing that Horohoro's speech was slightly slurred and he sounded strangely giddy. He was drunk, and realizing this, Ren could also make out the music and noise in the background.

"Yeah, I'm fine. What's up?"

"N-nothin', jus called t' see how you're 'oin."

"Maybe you should worry more about yourself."

"Pfft, wh't ever." Horohoro scoffed and Ren rolled his eyes.

"Did you call for anything else?"

"...Nope! But dude, we sh'l totally han'out again sometime!"

"Ok, sure baka Horo."

"'Ey! I tol' you-" Ren hung up the phone, knowing there would be no end if he didn't. But he chuckled a little, admitting to himself that he was pretty amused. He returned to the couch and lie down on it, his smile remaining. He stared blankly at the ceiling, wondering why he felt so pleased just by a call that the Ainu made. Acutally, if he thought about it, there was a lot of things he couldn't seem to expalin to himself.

Do you ever wish to go back to that?

What about with me?

Ren's smile faded, and he closed his eyes, hoping teh black will shut out his voice.

-----TSUZUKU-----

A/N: Alright, so this is it for chapter seven. There's a lot of symbolism here, I think I'll explain some of them.

First, Ren's past. I wanted it to be somewhat like in the anime, how it's all dark and sad since that is what makes Ren's character. I also wanted it to be a bit surreal with the way his family works, since in a way, even in the anime Ren's past and family were pretty surreal even to other shamans. As for the scar on his back, I know in the anime it symbolizes Ren's friendship towards Horohoro (and his love to us fans) but I wanted to use it differently. Since it is on his back, it technically would be crossed over his tattoo (even though it disappeared in the anime after he was freed from his family). So by having it crossed over his tattoo, in other words cutting the Tao imprint, it symbolizes his exile from the family.

And Horohoro, I hope I didn't make his past too dramatic and deep. I was going for a more realistic approach than Ren's past which is more surreal. I wanted to point out some realities like prejudices agains homosexuals and bisexuals, just to say that it exists and to make the story realistic by showing that Horo is one of those who went through it. And the part about him having different relationships, another element of reality. Just something to say that not all relationships last, even if they feel like they will. Sometimes, hearts do really change. The difference between Horo and Ren is, Horo's past is somewhat more realistic because it's more relatable, while Ren's past on the other hand is more surreal, having been involved in so much affairs that's not as relatable. And as for why I made Horo bi...I have no reason. That's just how I viewed him.

I think that's all I need to explain, I hope I didn't miss anything. And sorry if Horohoro didn't sound like he was drunk, I don't really know how to write drunken speech. So anyways, thank you everyone for being so patient in waiting for this, and thank you for reading this much. I don't know when I will update again, but I will try.

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