Chapter 10: Paete, non Dolet
"It really is you," Jin said, sounding almost surprised. Tentatively, she stepped closer, feeling the heat from the fire reflect off her cheeks as it threw odd shadows across the walls. Jin looked at Zuko. In some ways he still seemed the same – he was wearing one of his trademark inscrutable expressions – but he also looked worldly and sophisticated. He was wearing robes that were loose, but somehow formal, and he sat on the throne as if he owned it – which Jin supposed he did.
"Yeah, it's me," Zuko said, then, smiling slightly, he added, "I'm a little surprised you came."
Had Zuko been honest, he might have mentioned that he was relieved Jin had come, that some small part of him had been utterly convinced that she would not. He might have admitted that she did, perhaps, have reason to be angry with him, even happy to be rid of him, especially after what she must have seen as a betrayal. The fact that she had been willing to come meant she didn't hate him, and though he was not about to let her see it, the fact that she did not hate him made him happy.
"Surprised?" Jin asked. Then she frowned.
He had told her to come. There was no reason for him to be surprised when she actually showed up. They were supposed to be married, after all, and even if he had lied to her about this whole Fire Lord thing, she did care for him. Zuko had known her long enough and intimately enough that he ought to know she cared. Unless, of course, he himself didn't. He always had seemed as if he cared, but if it was just a façade, well, then he could be excused for thinking she was displaying some sort of façade as well. She had always thought him somewhat guarded about his emotions, as if he was afraid he might be hurt, but perhaps she had been mistaken. Maybe he just didn't feel all that strongly. He certainly wasn't elaborating on his 'surprised' comment.
"It wasn't like you really gave me a choice," Jin said, "I was told I was ordered to come. And you send the Fire Nation army. And you're the Fire Lord, for crying out loud, and I live in an occupied area, and so it wasn't like I could say no!"
Zuko frowned, but fought not to show anything beyond that. He had missed her, he had asked her to come, and she was not glad to be here. She resented being here, in fact.
"I didn't make you come," He retorted angrily.
"You're the Fire Lord; how could I refuse?" Jin sighed.
"So go home then, if you're so sure you don't want to be here," Zuko's voice was calm, but he found he was gripping the armrest so firmly his fingers ached.
Jin looked up at him.
"I can't," she said, "I won't."
Zuko's grip on the armrest relaxed.
"I don't want to," Jin said, not looking at him, "I want to be here."
"Really?" He asked, doubtfully.
Jin nodded, her expression very serious.
"I have my reasons," she added. Then she crossed her arms, as if to protect herself from some danger even she could not identify.
She looked so lonely, standing there. Zuko uncertainly stood from his chair, taking a few steps towards her. To his surprise, Jin suddenly broke from her troubled stance, and rushed towards him, through the gap in the flames. In a moment, Jin had scrambled up onto the low platform and thrown her arms around him.
In his surprise Zuko lost control of the flames and they shot up to their accustomed height, bathing everything in a yellow glow and making the room just that much warmer as he awkwardly returned her embrace. He realized, to his shock, that despite her anger she might just still like him after all.
Jin leaned into him, happy simply that he hadn't pushed her away. If this was a façade, it was a good one. She had always believed he loved her, before.
"I don't really want to be here," Jin admitted, "But I want to be with you. After all, we are married."
Zuko's entire body stiffened, and he stepped backwards out of Jin's embrace.
"What?" She asked, confused.
"About that," he said, his voice hoarse, "Could you not mention it to anyone just yet?"
A Note to the Reader: Yes, we're back to the Latin. Paete, non dolet means "It doesn't hurt, Paetus". Apparently that sentence made up the dying words of an Ancient Roman woman called Arria. If you don't want to read a couple of depressing paragraphs about her sad end, stop now. Otherwise, I think it's sort of interesting, and the title doesn't make much sense if you don't know some background:
Arria was very in love with her husband, a man named Paetus. Unfortunately, Paetus somehow ended up at the wrong end of a failed conspiracy to kill the emperor. Of course, this being Ancient Rome, the only possible way to atone for such a crime, save face, and make everything right in the world again was for Paetus to commit suicide. Paetus agreed to do so – it was better to be allowed to kill yourself than to be executed, after all – but when it came time, he just couldn't make himself do it. He agonized over it for a while, but couldn't get up the courage to 'fall upon his sword,' as they say.
Arria, watching him, could no longer bear his suffering, and snatched up his dagger. She then stabbed herself, and, as she bled to death, handed Paetus back the dagger, saying "Paete, non dolet" – "Paetus, it doesn't hurt." Thus, Arria told an obvious lie to comfort someone she loved, and to encourage him to do something which, though difficult, she believed he had to do.
Frankly I think she was misguided, but it isn't her fault she was born an upper-class ancient Roman. Still, it is a sad story. I wish Arria and Paetus could have run off to some island where the emperor would never find them, and not had to worry about unpleasant deaths.