A/N: This chapter takes place at the same time as the last.
The dialog in bold is Amy and Penny talking.
"The Erroneous Assumption Predicament"
Chapter 10 – Sheldon
Oh that's just 'perfect'. It will take forever to wash the mark off my hand, like the last time when I accompanied Amy to meet with Zach to have coitus-
Ugh! I don't want to think about that! How relieved I was that she chose not to give in to her baser urges after all that evening.
Drat! Just my luck, my bottle of Purell is empty! How could I not foresee this? I have to get my eyes checked... and my ears again. I hope she appreciates at least the fact that I am ruining them for her with this unbearable loud music.
Ugh… So many people here, it's way too crowded. Where is Amy?
"They are over there, Sheldon."
I knew it! Penny made her drink something that sure looks like it's violating the Zombie Clause!
Are these morons standing next to them checking my Amy out?! Of course they are! Look at those legs!
No! Don't look at her legs perverts! I really wish she would not wear this ridiculous short and tight dress. I like her usual skirts much better...
"We have to find a place where they can't see us..."
... and the nice view they offer when I walk behind her... I need sleep. Why won't she let me sleep?
"Sheldon? Are you listening?"
"Huh? Oh yes... Let's go over there. I want to hear what they are talking about."
This place will do. Right behind them but protected by the column.
"Can you hear-"
"Shhh! Listen!"
"... I either need to face facts that our relationship will never be normal or move on."
Ah, of course, her favorite topic, me not being 'normal'... Does she want to move on?
"Well, normal is over rated. I thought I had normal with Leonard, and look what it got me! Stupid cheating jerk! I missed him so much when he was on that boat trip. But he didn't even think about me when he had his lips attached to that hussy!"
"Yeah, Leonard. I still don't understand why you did that. All those years you've been going on and on about Penny and how she's the love of your life and your imaginary babies and whatnot and then you kiss someone else?!"
"I know, Sheldon! I know it was a horrible mistake. I don't even know myself how it happened. It just-"
"Shhh!"
"Well, I understand that you're hurt, I do, Penny. But at least your fiancée doesn't mind touching you! At least he asked you marry him! One sleep over and I barely got a hug good night. You get to sleep with Leonard whenever you want!"
Huh? I don't mind touching her. Why would I? Besides, if you Little Lady wouldn't have insisted on this idiotic break, I would have already asked you to marry me! But hey, let's blame Sheldon instead!
"You have a boyfriend who will never cheat on you! You never have to worry about Sheldon locking lips with some physics floozy."
Yikes! Just the thought makes me sick!
"That's because he doesn't think about sex EVER, let alone with another woman! Besides, Leonard didn't have sex with her, just kissed her. I know that is bad enough, but at least he stopped and thought about you. More than I can say for Sheldon. When he was kissing me, he was thinking of 'The Flash'. A stupid TV show! So I guess Sheldon was cheating on me with Barry Allen."
Oh God! She is nuts. Cheating on her with Barry Allen?! Doesn't she know that he is a fictional character, not to mention a man?!
And I would never think about sex? Oh boy, I wish it would be so... Hmmm, but she knows the real name of The Flash. That's so... Uh oh! No, that's not arousing at all! Think of something else... Think of something else... Think of some-
"You're thinking about sex with Amy right now, aren't you Sheldon?"
"Shhh!"
"You so are! You can't deny it anyway. That other worldly expression on your face gives it totally away."
"Please, Leonard! I just thought of... something completely unrelated."
"No you weren't. And I don't blame you. I wish Penny would know the real name of The Flash."
Maybe I should tell Amy that I do think about making love with her.
No, better not or else she'll think it's an invitation to seduce me even more with all her fancy- No! I need to concentrate on what they are talking about and not about a love life we might never have if she doesn't end this moronic break.
"… Not in all the multiverses of the DC world."
Oh Good Lord! Now she's talking multiverses and DC?! If she says 'Marvel' I won't be able to refrain myself and- Wait! Even better would be 'Star Wars'
Please say "Star Wars" for me Amy... Uhm. Does she do that on purpose? Does she know that I'm here? Careful, just a peek around the column…
No, if I would guess she doesn't even realize what she just said.
What isn't happening in all the DC multiverses though?
"Who is DC, another superhero?"
Geez, Penny. All those years and you learned nothing? I wonder how Leonard even gets his 'motor running' as they say...
"Never mind. Look… Leonard asked you to marry him. Multiple times. He has been in love with you for eight years. One drunken kiss on a boat when he is thousands of miles away doesn't take away the wonderful things he's done for you. He kisses you every time he sees you. Sheldon only does it on Date Night, and for only thirty seconds. That's it."
So? And what about all the wonderful things I did for you? No mention of that... I see...
"Yeah… That's pretty lame. But Leonard thinks I'm stupid and Sheldon knows you're smart!"
She so is! As smart as I am. Our babies will be so genius-
"She thinks I think she's stupid."
"Huh?"
"Penny. She believes that I think she's stupid. Didn't you listen?"
"Oh that. Well, it probably didn't help that she thought she had to lie to you about her nonexistent college degree when you first went out. Of course, the fact that you rewrote her essay when she tried community college again kind of proved that you found bad what she wrote. I have to say, I understand why she would think that."
"You're the one who said earlier that she's as stupid as Raj's dog."
"No. I said in comparison to Amy, not in general. I don't believe that Penny is stupid at all. If I did, I wouldn't go to her for advice so regularly. Do you ever ask her or are you just giving her advice?"
"Uhm..."
"See. Now shut up, I want to know what Amy thinks of me. At some point she does have to say something nice. Right?"
"Uhm..."
Spying on her turned out to be much more informative as any other of my attempts in the last weeks. I should have done that a lot sooner and shouldn't have dismissed the idea of installing cameras in her lab and apartment so fast. Anyway. What are they saying now?
"Sheldon asks you what you think about stuff all the time! Like investing in the comic book store or his hair cut. Leonard never asks me what I think. I'm just lucky I got this drug job or he would think I was nothing more than a useless waitress. He probably thinks I got my job on my looks alone, cause I'm too stupid to do anything else. That's what everyone else thinks."
"Ha! I told you, Leonard, that you need to involve your significant other in important decisions."
"Like you did when you sent out the application to Mars?"
"I fixed that right away!"
"After she told you to!"
Crap… got me there. Haughty derision. Use haughty derision and displacement.
"What do you know? Your fiancée thinks you find her stupid!"
"Shhh! They might hear us!"
"He likes that I am out of acting because it's more stable but then makes me feel bad for doing what I have to do to sell to these doctors. They buy more if I look single! I make so much more money now and that intimidates him. He doesn't understand it is not about him."
Oh dear, Leonard looks like he's about to cry. I can't handle an emotional Leonard now. I need to get to the bottom of this 'situation' Amy and I are apparently in that she needs to reevaluate. Although I have to wonder if she has even started with that.
"I'm such a bad boyfriend. I don't deserve her."
"Leonard, of course you don't deserve her. That's hardly news."
"You're an ass. You don't deser-"
"Shhh!"
"I know what that is like. Sheldon never puts me first, or thinks of me before his own needs. You have a man who will make sacrifices for you. He would do anything for you. Buy you a car, help you get into college, fight off an ex-boyfriend for your TV. I can barely get Sheldon to look at me on Date Nights sometimes. Some days, I envy your relationship with Leonard. You never have to wonder if he finds you attractive or thinks about the future with you. You don't have to guess what he is feeling."
What the- Whaaat? I don't make sacrifices?! I sacrificed my WHOLE life plan for her! I really want to go over there and tell that ungrateful girlfriend of mine a few things.
Now what is that nonsense again about her wondering if I would find her attractive?
"You know Leonard, I don't understand why Amy would even say something like that."
"Like what?"
"About how she has to guess what I'm feeling for her. I mean, what is there more to say than 'I love you'? I did say that. Three times!"
"I tell Penny that every day."
"Isn't that a little... inflationary? Doesn't the value get lost with time? Does it really still mean as much as it did in the beginning or didn't it already reprobate to an empty phrase? Besides, you did say that probably on the day you kissed someone else. I truly doubt that Amy, would she think clearly about this, would still envy the two of you."
"Shut up, Sheldon. We're missing what they say."
"He never celebrates your birthday, or does special things without pulling teeth. I mean Leonard tried to take me to Switzerland for Valentine's Day! He brought me a snow flake from the North Pole! He buys me flowers all the time!"
Ugh! This romantic malarkey again...
"Sheldon got me the tiara…"
I so did! Point Cooper!
"Only to get out of trouble. Not just because he cared about you!"
Shut up Penny! And I do care!
"He got me that picture frame for Christmas…"
Again, point Cooper! I'm so winning this!
"Sure, but only to teach you lesson on NOT giving gifts, not outta love. He just wanted to make you feel bad so you would never make him celebrate Christmas again, even though he KNOWS you love it. What an ass!"
Someone is very eager to get on my mortal enemies list again...
"Yeah, but later he said he was happy about it, he loved the cookies. I love my picture frame."
Oh the cookies! They were so delicious!
Of course you love the picture frame. I know, you ran through a lot of batteries already. I meant every word. I do treasure-
"I mean Sheldon… God. What an idiot! Playing Star Wars games after you told him how important that birthday party was…"
Huh? What birthday party?
"Yes, but we went to the science center the next day with my Cooper Coupons…"
Oh that birthday party... Cooper Coupons. I'm such a genius! She loved them all!
"Taking Raj on your anniversary dinner!"
"What the heck is Penny's problem, Leonard? Does she hate me?"
"It's all true what she says, or is it not?"
"Well... It's completely taken out of context!"
"What context? That you tried to find loopholes all the time to get out of your boyfriend duties?"
"Shhh now!"
"Constantly making comments that you only think about sex."
Oh, stop right there. I don't want to hear about that again.
"I think he just felt too much pressure…"
Yes! There's so much pressure! From everywhere! It really doesn't help that she's pushing that much too! I mean, how much faster does she think I can go?!
On the other hand, what she said earlier implies that she doesn't even know that I do think about sex as well. Maybe I really should tell her.
Then again, what if I don't fulfill her expectations? I do try to be a good boyfriend, even a romantic one. Yet she never seems happy, there is always a 'but' waiting. What if we do make love and it is not as perfect as she expects it to be? What if I disappoint her then again? Like I seem to do with everything?
"I mean, counting the seconds when he kisses you? What the hell?! It's like he is doing it just because he has to do it! I bet he even brushes his teeth after you leave. He is such…"
What the heck?!
"That's enough, Leonard! I'm going over there now and tell Penny to shut-"
"That's enough! You sound just like Bernie! I can't get Sheldon to love me… no one wants me to show my sexuality... You are all hinting around that it's because of Sheldon, but I know you really think it is because of me! I'm not good enough for him! Well, let me tell you. Sheldon Cooper chose ME! Me, mousy, ugly Amy Gorilla Hands Fowler to be his girlfriend. He could have been with that Monkey Princess or that Martha girl Raj told me about or that Ramona, but no, it was me!"
YES! I chose her! Only her! Finally she gets it! Pfft, I didn't even think once about Lalita or Martha, or Ramona after I kicked her out. The idea of being with one of them in a romantic relationship is simply ridiculous. Repellant even and I-
Oh, she's saying more.
"You know who put in in kissing in the Relationship Agreement? He did! He kissed me on that train, and I know for a fact he didn't run off and rinse with mouthwash. He liked it! Imagine that! That night on the couch, he was going to kiss me again! You and Bernie can just stop making me feel like no one will love me. He loves me in his own way. The only way he knows how…"
I did put kissing in the agreement. So you see Amy! Here's your proof that I don't want just a relationship of the mind anymore as you wrote in that text yesterday. How could you have forgotten that?!
What other ways are there to love somebody?
"Ames… I'm sorry. Hey wait, what did Bernie say to you?"
"She said I was just upset about her posing for a magazine and show her sexuality because no one wants me to show mine…"
That tiny mean-
"That bitch!"
Exactly!
"You just said the same thing!"
"NO I didn't! I said Sheldon is the problem, not you! I mean Stuart wanted to date you!"
Ugh! Don't remind me.
Hey! I'm not 'the' problem!
"Yeah… that's true..."
"And that rock guy… what's his name?"
Huh? What rock guy?
"Bert…but I would never-"
BERT?! Who is Bert?!
"And that Saudi guy! He asked you to marry him!"
OH! I totally forgot that she already IS engaged! That cannot be!
"Yes, but that was just for donations! Not love!"
"Speaking of love, even creepy Doctor Lorvis fell in love with you!"
EXCUSE ME?! The nice doctor too? Did he lock me up in his fabulous play room to go after my Amy?! That son of a cheap street worker!
"Did you know about that, Leonard?"
"Uhm... Well..."
"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! Amy is apparently surrounded by cavaliers ALL THE TIME and no one thought about telling me?! What kind of friends are you people?!"
"Sheldon, Amy would never-"
"Didn't you listen?! She thinks I wouldn't find her attractive, that I wouldn't love her and appreciate her. All she's waiting for is a 'normal' man to finally have sex with her, and it sure looks like there is a LONG line of potential candidates just waiting for her to pick one!"
Oh no, now I remember that even Kripke was suspiciously nice to her when she helped him with her mathematics.
Good Lord, is EVERYONE in love with my girlfriend?!
Not that it is surprising. She has a way of pontificating her way into people's hearts.
I won't have that! She's mine and mine alone! Time to remind her of that!
"Where are you going Sheldon?!"
"This break ends NOW!"
"Stay here! They cannot know that we eavesdropped on them!"
"I DON'T CARE!"
"Sheldon, I am telling you. If you go over there now and make a scene, Amy will break up with you for good."
"You expect me to do NOTHING?!"
"Yes! Besides, I do know how you feel. I am used to men ogling Penny where ever we go. I am used to get looked at like I am some freak that put her on drugs or something, because otherwise she would never be with someone like me. I still feel insecure at times, but deep down I know that Penny doesn't care about those men and that she only loves me. And I am sure Amy doesn't care about those guys as well and only wants to be with you."
Does she? Really? She didn't sound like it though.
"You think so?"
"Hey, otherwise she would have dumped your sorry ass years ago."
Fair point.
"Yeah... She would have... Okay, Let's hear what they are talking about now."
I truly hope their conversation will move on from other men trying to ensnare my Amy, and back to me and our 'situation'.
"Oh… how nice. Say thank you from us."
What's nice? Say thank you to whom?
"Ames! Those guys bought us drinks! Aren't you thrilled?"
I'M IN HELL!
Is she thrilled?!
"Nah… When I went to the science conference with Bernadette, the same thing happened. No big deal."
THIS IS A REGULAR THING?!
"THAT'S IT!"
"SHELDON NO!"
"Let go of my arm! I need to find these creeps who are buying alcoholic beverages for my girlfriend! Don't you even care?"
"I do, but that doesn't mean anything. Penny and Amy wouldn't-"
"You kissed someone else while being drunk!"
"But I'm an ass! Neither is Penny nor Amy!"
"I am warning you Leonard, let – go – of – me!"
"No! You stay HERE! Look, there are two guys coming over to their table."
"These must be the low lifes who bought them the drinks. I'll show them what they get for hitting on my woman! I'm from Texas!"
"They're tall, Sheldon."
"I'm taller."
"They look strong."
"I'm stronger."
"Sheldon you can't take out two guys. You don't fight!"
All these hours playing boxing on the Wii weren't a waste!
"Watch me, Leonard."
"You faint from seeing your own blood!"
DRAT!
"Then I just have to make sure that I won't bleed! Let go of my arm now!"
"Come on! Let us just wait here and see what happens. If we need to interfere, we will then. Okay?"
"NO!"
"Hello ladies. I see you are enjoying the drinks. "
OH GOD! I can't see what's happening! Is she enjoying the drink?! Geez! Leonard has his hands pretty tightly wrapped around my arms. Who knew that he is that strong?
"Thank you but you didn't have to do that. I'm engaged and she is… well… on a break."
WHY DID PENNY TELL THEM THAT?!
"Oh a break. I love breaks. Enjoy the drinks. Think of it as payment for the view. I must say, I do love yellow."
OH DEAR GOD! I'M DYING! I'm having a heart attack! Something is wrong! It beats too fast and my face is too hot!
"Leonard! Let go of me NOW!"
"Will you promise not to do something stupid?"
"I NEVER do something stupid!"
"Sheldon, your face is unnaturally red. Are you feeling all right?"
"No! And how can you be so calm?!"
"Penny just told them that she's engaged. I think the message is clear."
"Yeah, well, 'great' for you! She also told them that Amy and I are on a break! What message sends that, huh?!"
"Sorry..."
"THEY will be sorry when I kick their- LEONARD! I am warning you for the last time. LET – GO – OF – ME!"
"JUST LISTEN! The women are handling them all on their own, you'll see!"
"Well, you might want to change the color of yellow. You would get lower insurance rates. Oh and I have a car, so I am good on that front. Thank you."
Ugh! It's a car salesman! As if he would ever be good enough for my Amy! How delusional!
Although, he's probably perfectly ordinary and 'normal', which she seems to appreciate a lot. Is she considering to-
HELL NO! I won't let her consider anything!
"Sheldon! Stay here! Dammit! They will see you!"
I didn't know that blood can boil inside one's body, but it apparently can... and it feels strangely good. I am so going to rip that cretin apart who dares to stare at my Amy like she's some piece of meat. She's MY piece of meat! So you better prepare yourself to-
"This dress is just… so… God you have a great ass!"
HE TOUCHED HER! YOU'RE SO DEAD!
Oh, where is the red light coming from all of a sudden? Ah, who cares that everything looks red. I have to kill—
(SMACK!)
SHE HIT HIM! YAY! He's on the ground… Kick him, Amy! Kick him hard! No? Too bad. Wait…YES! THAT'S MY CUTE LITTLE LUMP OF WOOL!
"Don't you dare touch me! I have a boyfriend!"
"Well, where is he, huh? She said you were on a break!"
I AM RIGHT HERE!
"Sheldon, stay away from there! You're going to make things worse."
"I cannot let some man assault her and do NOTHING about it!"
"She did something about it and hit him so bad, she broke his nose! You clearly have nothing to worry-"
"Shhh!"
"...Damn that hurts! Besides, where is your perfect boyfriend now, huh?"
"At home, solving the mysteries of the universe on a level you could never understand! He has the most brilliant mind and would know enough to buy a yellow car! He's kind, sweet and caring. He cares for me when I am sick, he is loyal, and the most fun guy I have ever known!"
Am I smiling? Of course I am. She still loves me! Oh, how happy that makes me! SO happy!
"Then why are you on a break!?"
Good question. Why Amy? Why are we on this stupid break and in this hellhole and not together at home doing something nice? Like making up for the missed Date Nights?
"Because… because… "
Yes? Because...? Get it out already!
"Because… I don't know if I can go on loving him more than he is capable of loving me. That's why. Excuse me…"
What did she say? Does she really not know how much I love her?
Is she leaving? I can't let her leave like that!
"Sheldon wait! Where are you going?"
"I have to tell her, Leonard! I have to tell her she's wrong! SO WRONG!"
Thank you for reading. :)
Will Sheldon find Amy? Will they finally talk? Will this moronic break ever end? Will Shamy be happy again? Stay tuned to find out!