Chapter 9

Esme came with me to Maine to help me set up my little home. It was modest compared to the houses they tended to live in but I was all alone. It seemed quaint and comfortable. The house was built sometime in the late eighteenth century of field stones. It had one large room downstairs and a loft that had been turned into a bedroom upstairs. There was a small bathroom toward the back of the house that had been added on at some point when they ran running water to the house.

The poor sales lady worried that I wouldn't like how small the bathroom was with just a toilet, shower and pedestal sink, insisting that I could always expand the bathroom. I couldn't help but grin and tried to explain to her that I wasn't a very luxurious person and this would suit my needs just fine.

I rented the apartment in Germany to a nice family of Pakistanis that had recently emigrated. They wouldn't speak with me and only worked through a real estate agent to handle the transactions. The real estate agent was embarrassed but I assured him that I wasn't offended and it wouldn't be a problem for future dealings since I was working through an agency. I rented the apartment furnished, to which they seemed even more grateful, at least my agent gave me that impression.

Esme of course went a little nuts with the redecorating. There was a subtle nautical theme to the whole home that reminded me of the ocean but didn't seem garish in any way. She set up a small area to relax with a beautiful flat screen television, complements of the Cullen family. There was a small table near the kitchen which would serve both as a work space for school and a human prop.

Upstairs my bedroom reminded me of Britain. The whole room had a hint of the Victorian that Nathaniel loved so well. Again, Esme was subtle with the colors and scheme making you think of Victorian ages past while not overwhelming you theme. It felt homey and cozy. I had a day bed in the corner that would give the impression to any visitors that I slept regularly while providing me with a space to read and think.

I had purchased a sound system that could fill the room with music and make you believe you were at the concert. It was nice to have a house so far away from the city so the noise wouldn't disturb the neighbors. Even with acute hearing, loud music was always exciting. There was no fear that out here I would face any neighbors unless they were invited.

"It seems weird to be going back to school after all this time," I mused, looking out the window toward the great forest behind my home. Esme was working on her laptop on some new project she was designing.

"Have you decided what you want to study?"

"I was thinking about studying art. I am going back to school more for my enjoyment that any desire to change the world. I want to enjoy college this time around."

"You didn't enjoy it the first time?" Esme questioned and glanced up from her laptop. She sounded a little on the surprised side.

"I was angry back then, burning my bra, marching on Washington. The world felt so wrong and the government so corrupt. I went to school with ideas of grandeur. I left school feeling dissatisfied and disappointed. The real world still barely recognized women and my degree meant nothing.

"That's why I went to Europe, you know?"

"No, I didn't know."

"I wanted to get away from the marches and the politics and clear my head. Europe seemed placid compared to the chaos that seemed to fill the American streets."

Esme continued typing while she listened. Vampires are uniquely adept at multitasking. Even without comment I knew she was taking the whole story in.

"Anyway, now I realize that so much of that doesn't even matter. I want to study something that thrills me as art always did. Maybe I will become a great painter," the end of my sentenced trailed off as I pictured a new life and a new world.

Esme's phone buzzed quietly in her pocket. I could hear Carlisle's voice on the other end. He called rather frequently or maybe time just passed more quickly for me than I realized. Their love was so pure and honest, I envied them. I heard him give her a run down on his day at the hospital, Alice and Jasper's adventures in tracking down her family, and Rosalie's new hostility toward Edward's disappearance.

Edward seemed to be a never ending sore spot in Rosalie's life. I shook my head. Rosalie was never someone I would ever come to understand. Her life, that seemed so shallow, was so complicated by the emotions of all the people who surrounded her. She seemed to find drama in every situation that didn't make her the center of attention. Carlisle's voice sounded strain as her recounted her anger over the note he recently sent. He seemed exasperated by her behavior.

Esme seemed equally frustrated and offered motherly explanations and advice to handle the situation delicately. The love she felt for all her children was touching. From the look on her face the frustration wasn't with Rosalie alone. Edward had moved on from wherever he was hiding and Esme was worried about his emotional state. I wondered how difficult it must be to be a mother, to love your children as much as you love yourself, and to watch them leave you. Despite the fact that Esme wasn't truly their mother she loved them just as dearly and Edward had been a source of pain for so long she carried her love like a burden.

"I love you, too," she practically sang into the phone, her voice lightening a bit. The phone clicked shut and she went back to typing. She knew I could hear every word and figured if I had a question I would simply ask.

"You miss them," I said, it wasn't a question.

She looked toward me a second and a flash of pain moved across her face, "Of course, but they seem to be fine without me. Besides, I have greatly enjoyed my time with you. I really think you will find some joy in this sanctuary and we will only be a short jog away."

I timed the run once, it would take me about two hours run to get from Maine to New York with nothing on my back. I could visit every weekend if I wanted and I could tell from the look on Esme's face, that is what she wanted. I think, after the two weeks we had spent together, she had adopted me, too.

"Sure, I can come visit next weekend if you want," I offered genuinely. But she shook her head in response.

"You will be just settling in to school. Maybe you will even make some friends," when she spoke her voice sounded strained. We usually didn't make friends with the local populace but I could tell she didn't like it that I was all alone. Of course the refernce only reminded her of her missing son, the one who had fallen in love with human.

"Well it wouldn't be the first time, I suppose," I added cheerfully. My record within the human populace seemed to be a little bit better. I was more comfortable than even the Cullens were behaving human. When your husband was a human you begin to imitate their every move. Few people questioned that I was his daughter in the later years because I had adopted so many of his mannerisms.

"I just want you to be happy. You are happy?"

"Happier than I have been in a long time. I didn't realize how long I had been watching Nathaniel deteriorate and what a drain it had been on me. I was living in such denial it seemed my whole life was a little off balance. He wants me to be happy, he helped me create this."

She smiled genuinely at me but her anguish could not be overcome by my new found happiness. She desperately wanted her son back.

"We are going to visit Tanya, soon. Maybe you should come along?"

"Are you hoping that Edward will come with you?" I asked reading through the unsaid words. Tanya's crush on Edward went on unabated but I knew it wasn't enough to lure Edward back to the family. It was just a testament to Esme's feelings to try something so unlike Edward.

"I know it probably won't work but it is worth a try. What about you? Do you think he might be willing to come visit you if someone suggested it?"

"I doubt it. We have never gotten along well."

"It seemed to help him when he visited you in Europe?"

"Not really. Whatever I said was what set him on this wild goose chase across the country. I can't imagine any further advice from my part will help him reign in his feelings," I said shaking my head. I felt so much compassion for her. I would never know what it was like to lose a child in such a painful way. To know they are close but want nothing to do with you would be excruciating. In some ways, she blamed herself. She believed her love was not enough and if it had been he would have stayed.

"Well maybe I will suggest it anyway. If I get the chance to talk to him," she added softly as an after thought.

She got up from the table and began to pack her things. I knew she would leave late in the night to drive straight through to New York. There wasn't much left to do here and the idleness was making her upset. She had another project going on in New York City. She had begun to restore a nineteenth century apartment complex on the Upper East Side. Getting lost in her work would be the best way for her to control the overwhelming feelings.

I plopped in front of my brand new television and flipped quickly through the channels. I stopped on a news channel briefly when I heard mention of Forks. Apparently some sort of giant animal was attacking people in the area. Well, at least we could count on it not being anything supernatural.