Nine Billion Dollar Heist
*Co-authored with the stupendous Lives in Dreams and TRDancer
Chapter Nine: The Volvo Gets Blown (In the Bad Way)
"Shh, babe, just let me hold you one last time before the terrorists kill us all," --Emmett
Operation: R.I.P. Volvo
EMPOV
I walked up to the bar, only slightly drunk, to see Alice's little head of spiky black hair bobbing around behind it. I frowned. What the hell was she doing behind there?
"Alice? What the hell?" The girl turned around.
"Uh, I'm not Alice. Can I help you?" she asked. I squinted at her. Her nose was sort of different... and she did have green eyes, not blue like Alice did.
"Oh, sorry," I apologized. "Can I get a..." I scanned the list above her head. "What the hell is an Acidic Mindfuck?"
The girl laughed. "It's complicated. I'll just get you one, how about it?"
I nodded and she turned around again. I leaned against the bar counter for a moment before I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Rose smiling and waving her iPhone at me.
"Have you seen this? Is this what you were doing while I was unpacking?"
I immediately knew what she was talking about and snatched her phone away from her. Sure enough, there Jasper and I were, dancing in our boxers to the Time Warp song. I scrolled over to the hits and nearly had a heart attack.
"30, 456? It was only posted an hour ago!" I yelled.
"Well, honey, you and Jazz are pretty damn hot," Rose pointed out.
"Gah," I mumbled, slamming my head into the bar top and shoving Rose's phone back at her. "Edward is so going to get it."
"I'm sure," Rose agreed. "Did you already order something?"
"Yeah, an Acidic Mindfuck."
The bartender slid it over to me and smiled. "Hope you like it... and feel better."
I smiled at her, and then took a swig of the drink. It was actually pretty good.
"She looks a lot like Alice," Rose commented.
"Oh good, I'm not as drunk as I thought then." I sighed in relief.
"Or I'm just as drunk as you are," Rose reasoned. I grimaced.
"Hey, Emmett, you ready for Operation Rest in Peace Volvo?" Jasper asked, walking up to me and punching me on the shoulder.
"You bet," I replied, taking a gulp of my drink and slamming the cup back down on the bar. "Let's go."
"I'm heading over to the slots," Rosalie informed us.
"I think Alice will be meeting you over there," Jasper told her. Rose nodded and waved.
"Is Edward playing Blackjack?" I asked as Jasper and I headed for the exit.
"Yeah, he and Bella are 'practicing' the method... as if they really need to."
"Rose and I played a round earlier, it seemed pretty simple. No one noticed that Rose was counting... or that I was. At least, if they did, they didn't show it." We kept walking out into the parking lot.
"Did you notice the 'eyes in the skies'?" Jasper asked. I stopped dead in my tracks.
"What? No, I didn't!"
Jasper nodded solemnly and continued walking. I followed, catching up in two strides.
"Are they above every table?" I asked.
"Yup. Alice got pictures."
"Fuck."
"I know," Jasper agreed.
"Well, it will be fine. It's not a camera we're fooling, it's the people behind it, and you know how easily people are deceived," I reasoned.
"True... now where's the Volvo?"
I scanned the rows of expensive cars and spotted the Volvo about five cars down, between a red BMW convertible and a yellow Porsche. I gestured to it and Jasper and I hurried over to it.
"So what exactly are we doing?" I asked when we reached the Volvo, staring at it in disgust.
"Well, I don't know. Trying to get it to stop running I guess, so that we don't have to ride around in it anymore."
"How are we going to do that?"
"Fuck, man, I don't know... move around some wires in the engine?"
"Well, then, you're going to have to go get the keys from the valet so that we can get in and pop the hood," I pointed out.
Jasper groaned. "Seriously, man?"
"Seriously," I insisted, hopping up on the hood of the Volvo, lying back against the windshield, and closing my eyes.
I heard Jasper grumble a bit more, and then the sound of his retreating feet. I opened my eyes to find that I was staring directly at a crack in the pavement. 'Hmm, that crack is shaped like a rose', I thought to myself. 'Rose's name is Rose. Rose likes roses. I wonder where I can find my Rose a rose...'
I swung my legs around the Volvo and hopped off, steadying myself with the yellow Porsche. I started to search the parking lot for a rose. Over here? No... Here? No...
"Emmett, what in God's name are you doing way the fuck over here?" Jasper asked me. I jumped and fell against the black Ford F-150 that I was standing next to.
"I was, uh, looking for a rose for, uh, Rose...," I stammered.
Jasper stared at me for a moment, then shook his head and grabbed my arm, dragging me back towards the Volvo.
"Dude, Rosalie hates roses, and you fuckin' know that, you drunken dumbass," Jasper berated me.
"Oh, right," I mumbled weakly. "Did you get the keys?"
"I did, in fact, get the keys." We had reached the Volvo and Jasper clicked the button on the keys to unlock the doors, and then slid in the driver's door to pop the hood. As soon as he did I pushed it up the rest of the way and looked at the engine and crap that was in there. I knew what some of it did—because what self-respecting vehicle owner didn't?—but other things were completely foreign to me.
Jasper came out to stand next to me. "So what exactly are we doing?" I asked him.
"Whoa, man, I think I just experienced déjà vu," Jasper joked. "Um..." He stared at the various contraptions laid out in front of us. "Do you know how to make this not run?"
"Uh, no, why would I know how to do that?"
"You're the one with the mechanical girlfriend," Jasper pointed out.
"But she junks around inside computers, not inside cars. It's much more intricate and shit, Jasper," I shot back.
"Whatever," Jasper grumbled.
We stared at the wires and shit for a couple more moments before I got bored and grabbed the ends of a couple and pulled them apart.
"Whoa, dude, what are you doing?" Jasper exclaimed.
"I don't see you doing anything."
Jasper glared at me, then reached in and grabbed a couple wires, pulling them apart.
"Boo yeah, man! Now we're talking!" I whooped grabbing Jasper's wires and reattaching them to the ends of the wires I had pulled apart. I slammed the hood down and punched Jasper on the shoulder.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"A job well done," I informed him.
Abruptly I heard the pitter-patter of running feet behind me and I turned to see who it was. Rose and Alice were running haphazardly across the parking lot towards us.
I spread my arms out in the universal sign for 'come give me a hug,' and called out, "Run, Rosie, run into my arms!"
Jasper snorted. "Like she'll go for that one."
"Just you watch," I retorted.
Rose continued to run in a straight bee line towards me, glancing only once behind her, then focusing completely on me. In moments she reached me and hit my chest hard, knocking me backwards onto the Volvo.
"Hey," she said, flipping a strand of her wild blonde curls out of her face. So fucking sexy...
"Fancy meeting you here," I choked out, barely able to breathe with the pressure she was exerting on me.
"Oh, I know, I was just running from security..." Rose trailed off and pushed herself up off of me. "Sorry, didn't realize I was squishing you there."
"It's fine," I said, getting up after her. I glanced over in Jasper's direction. He was locked in an embrace with Alice, whispering something in her ear. I turned back to Rose.
"What's this I hear about security guards?" I asked.
"Oh, well, Alice and I were talking by the slots, and the security guard moved from his usual position so that he was closer to us. We're not sure how much he heard, if anything, but we left just in case," she recounted.
I nodded understandingly. "Well, that doesn't sound too bad. I'm sure the security guard didn't hear anything," I reassured her.
"Someone yelled 'Get them,' as we were leaving," Alice said from behind me.
Rose frowned. "I didn't hear anything."
"But... I could have sworn...," Alice said, almost whispering to herself now.
"What did you guys do to the Volvo?" Rosalie asked, looking at it apprehensively.
"Hopefully something that will make it not run when Edward starts it," I replied.
"It's not going to explode, is it?" Alice asked anxiously.
"No, Ali, don't worry, it's not," Jasper assured her, rubbing her shoulder.
"You're positive?"
"Positive," Jasper repeated.
"Where are Edward and Bella? Shouldn't they be here by now?" Rose asked.
"They're probably still getting busy on the blackjack tables... I mean, at the blackjack tables," I cracked.
"Haha, Em," Rose deadpanned. "Seriously, where are those two?" She took out her iPhone. "It's three AM already!"
"Why don't you just call Edward?" I suggested.
"Good idea," Rose mumbled, already hitting the speed dial and pressing the phone to her ear.
She tapped her foot against the ground while she waited for him to pick up and I grabbed her free hand. She smiled at me.
"Oh, Edward! Where are you?"
"Well, do you think you could get your butt out here? We're all waiting."
"Fine. See you."
Rose hung up and stashed her phone back in her bag. "They'll be here in a minute, Edward's just about done his game."
"Oh good," Alice piped up.
Sure enough, not more than three minutes of aimless cuddling in the parking lot later, Bella and Edward arrived.
"Hey guys," Edward greeted us. "You all have a good night?"
"We sure did," Alice twittered. "We found a lot of things that are going to be really important for the whole operation. Jasper and I found out that the place is loaded with CCTVs and all the security guard patterns. Did you notice the eyes—"
"In the skies? Yes, we did," Bella interrupted. "Can we save all the talk for tomorrow's meeting? I'm wicked tired."
"Fine," Alice said dejectedly, getting into the Volvo with Jasper right behind her. Rose and I got in the middle row and Edward and Bella sat up front. Thank God this is the last time I have to sit in this thing.
Edward turned the key that Jasper had left in the ignition and I held my breath in anticipation. The engine roared to life, however, and I was left disappointed. I glanced back at Jasper who shrugged at me and mouthed 'must have been a bust.' I nodded, feeling let down.
We drove back to the hotel in silence and said our goodnights in the lobby, using the private key access elevators to get to our suites. Rose and I got ready for bed in relative silence, apart from a couple moans from me about how upset I was that the Volvo hadn't broken down and that I still had to ride around in it.
We got into bed at 3:20 AM and I shook my head at the numbers. I wasn't going to be up early tomorrow like Edward had insisted we be for 'debriefing,' as he called it. No, I was sleeping in as late as physically possible—which was pretty damn late.
~*~
Sadly, my plans to sleep in were thwarted when the terrorists decided to attack Las Vegas at 8:30 in the morning by my watch. A motherfucking loud ass sonic boom woke me and I instinctively felt around in the bed for Rose. I knew I'd found her when my hand reached her silky hair and I scooted closer in the bed so that I could wrap my arms around her.
"Em—what the hell are you doing?" she asked, her voice muffled by my chest.
"Shh, babe, just let me hold you one last time before the terrorists kill us all," I whispered.
Rose managed to work her arms out of my grasp and push me away from her. "No, Emmett, we've gotta go see what that was!"
"But the terrorists..." I mumbled. I snapped my eyes open to see Rosalie wriggling her way out of the bed and heading over to the window. I stayed where I was, just watching her. She opened the curtains to look out and immediately began to laugh.
"I guess you don't have to be upset anymore, Emmy-bear." She giggled.
"What?" I asked.
"Come look," she said, looking over her shoulder at me.
I crawled over her side of the bed and hopped off. I went over to the window and stood behind Rose, my chin on her shoulder, looking out the window.
"See right there?" She pointed.
"Oh my God, the Volvo!" And it was. The Volvo was blown to pieces. I began to laugh, backing slowly away from Rose and doubling up. "I guess I won't have to ride in it again!"
"Nope, you won't," Rose agreed. She was still looking out the window. "Bella and Edward are out there... there are bomb tech people arriving... along with half the hotel. That was a loud ass explosion."
"I bet they aren't too happy. I mean, I wouldn't be. I wasn't, but since it's the Volvo, I can live." I set myself into another laugh attack. Rose rolled her eyes.
"Come on, let's get changed and then we can go hear what Edward—and those bomb tech people—have to say about this," she told me.
We quickly changed and headed downstairs. We met Alice and Jasper on the way there.
"Hey Jaspy, whaddya think?" I asked, nudging him in the ribs.
"I didn't think it was going to explode..." he muttered.
"Well, it was pretty fan-freakin-tastic, man," I exclaimed.
"I thought you guys promised it wouldn't explode," Alice accused.
"We didn't know, Ali, I've told you this already..." Jasper shook his head at her adamant expression.
"You should have known, instead of going into the engine all drunk and fucking it up in ways you didn't understand!"
Jasper looked guilty, but I just shrugged it off. I had gotten what I wanted, no one had gotten hurt, and everyone would be happy in the end, once they realized it was for the greater good.
We got outside and walked up behind Bella. She was watching Edward stand and watch the bomb tech people. That's all there was to do out here—watch. That's what everyone who had been woken up by the explosion had come down to do.
"How's he reacting?" Rose asked Bella. Bella shook her head.
"It's not good." She glanced at Jasper and me. "You two are going to get it." I rolled my eyes. 'Whatever.'
Edward was standing completely still, his arms crossed and his feet spread apart. His facial expression was completely calm so that you wouldn't think he was angry, but I could tell that he was grinding his teeth together to keep it that way. His hands were balled into fists and the way he didn't move a muscle gave away his mood as well. I raised my eyebrows in his direction and then rolled my eyes back to the conversation at hand.
"What are these bomb people doing?" I asked, gesturing in their direction.
"They're trying to figure out what the cause of the explosion was," Bella answered. "This could be very bad if you get caught, Emmett, I hope you know that." Oh, so she was angry, too. I rolled my eyes again. Why couldn't they see that nothing was going to come of this except the fact that we weren't going to have to ride around in the Vag-Wag anymore?
After a few more minutes of tense—for everyone except me—waiting, one of the bomb tech people finally came over to Edward.
"It seems it was an atomic bomb in the engine made by someone who had no idea what they were doing, but just wanted to see a fire," the tech guy explained to Edward. "Unfortunately, we have no way of finding out who it could have been. You're going to have to get yourself a replacement car."
"Oh... no problem," Edward said, running a hand through his hair. "Thank you."
Then Edward turned towards us, hand still in his hair, and his eyes narrowed in my direction.
I knew that look...
TRD: (In Japanese accent) He-lo! This is Dan-cy! If you leave review, we update soon. If you leave *sexy* review, we update sooner!
Lexicon: RUN, reviewers! RUN into MY ARMS! They WANT you!
HA!
Man, this shit was funny as freaking HELL. Emmett should be a one-man reality show, because his shit would be better than seeing two fat guys trying to run to the doughnut shop shirtless and covered in pig fat on a hot day through a gauntlet where people throw Vaseline-filed socks at them!
Review, my pretties, REVIEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
Dreamer: Can't stop laughing . . . . hahaha in the words of Lex 'this shit was funny as freaking HELL.' That plus my dog ate my mom's cakes...
Man I wish we had that YouTube video. I WANT THE VIDEO!!!
It's Eddie's reaction next, right, right? Cause that will be funny.
So everyone REVIEW and I shall find the video for us all and we will update sooner.