Santana was shaking. She was tossing and turning and mumbling. Brittany watched as the Latina gripped the sheets and pulled them up to her chest, her eyes were shut tight and then she began to cry. "Santana…" Brittany whispered, but the Latina was still shaking. Trembling really. She placed her hands on Santana's shoulders and whispered again, "Santana wake up…" But the Latina kept her eyes shut as she muttered,
"No!" And it broke Brittany's heart to watch Santana in pain like this. She knew she was having a bad dream, probably one about her mother or Josh. Brittany turned her over on her back, and she hovered over the Latina. She leaned down and kissed her lips softly, trying to calm her down. Then again. And again. Until Santana's shaking subsided. Brittany kissed her one last time before Santana's eyes opened slowly, "Brittany?" She asked in a low voice and the blonde smiled.
"It's me."
"I'm sorry I woke you-"Santana stuttered but Brittany hushed her with another kiss. She liked being able to kiss the Latina whenever she wanted. She lay down on top of Santana, shifting her weight over to her arm that was on the pillow and she rested her head on Santana's chest.
"Have you always had bad dreams?" Santana nods,
"Ever since my dad left really… and they just got worst after she started… you know," Brittany nods, "But I didn't have them the first night you slept in my room… I usually don't have them when we cuddle…" Brittany jumps at that, wrapping her arms around Santana with a tight smile. They had fallen asleep with their backs to one another earlier that night. Santana hides her blush and her laughter before she says, "We don't have to-"
"Yes we do! And we will." Brittany smiles,
Santana nodded and closed her eyes, allowing herself to melt into Brittany's chest as the blonde pulled the covers over the two of them. "Santana?" Brittany asks hesitantly,
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something?" Santana shifts her weight, moving over so she look straight at Brittany.
"Shoot." She says softly.
"Everyone at Dalton… I don't believe what they say about you Santana b-but I need to know just… is it true?" Santana sighs and lays on her back.
"I already told you-"
"That you like that I don't judge you and that they were rumors but Santana… everyone talks about it like… like they've been with you."
"So I've slept with most of the campus." She says coldly. "It's not a big deal-"
"It is a big deal!" Brittany says sadly, "I hate the thought of you being with someone else… and I'm not judging you, I'd never do that…" Brittany can see Santana shutting her out. She can see the Latina's mind drifting off and closing. "It's just an honest question that's been burning a hole in my brain for months… please don't be upset… just tell me the truth."
"I did like that you didn't judge me… you didn't know and you didn't listen to everyone else…It was like they all knew…" Santana mumbles,
"Knew about what?" Santana shakes her head and looks up towards the ceiling, trying to figure out where to start, what to tell Brittany. But it's so much running through here head.
"Everything." She says simply. "Do you know why I told you I wasn't gay?" Brittany shakes her head no, the air in the room becoming thick. "I've always been into girls; there was just always something about them. I just didn't care for boys. I always knew that I was gay but…when my mom started to-to touch me and- and I liked it." Santana shut her eyes tightly, "I wanted her to stop but… but I could feel how much I liked it. I felt so bad because she was my mom! And it was like she knew… and she worked it her advantage. She made me feel so disgusting and ashamed… I was insecure and alone. When she'd come in my room at night she would call me names… names like they called me at Dalton. She would call me a dyke too. She would tell me that if I told anyone they'd just tell me how sick I was. She said everyone would think bad of me… so I didn't tell. And I kept everything inside." Santana says, "So when I got to Dalton and a senior girl started paying attention to me… I didn't know what to do. I just… I kept thinking of my mom and what she said. How wrong it was to actually like another girl. Jordyn was sweet and everyone knew her… I was so quiet. I kept to myself. After everything with my mom and Josh I just… I felt so dirty, you know? I didn't think that anyone would like me because no one ever really has and so I just… I was just kind of there. I went to classes, ate some food and went back to my room and did my homework."
"Okay…"
"And one day… this-this perfect girl just comes up and starts to talking to me. She just sits down and starts talking to me about me. She asked me where I came from, and what classes I had… she was sweet and nice and I liked that because it was so new to me…" Brittany nods her head, "We'd study in her room and we'd talk… I liked her so much." Santana sighs, "But it didn't take long for her to.- to ask if she could… if she could touch me." Santana looks away from Brittany. "I wanted her too but I was scared… like shaking scared. And she told me to calm down." Santana stutters, "But I kept hearing my mom and seeing my mom and feeling my mom…I wanted Jordyn to stop… but it felt good too I just kept seeing her. I asked her to stop and she just told me it was okay… she said that she didn't want to stop." Santana pulls the covers closer to her body, "She didn't stop."
"Santana…"
"But I liked it… I had to of because I…" She pauses there, "Afterwards she told everyone. And before I knew it people were just… coming onto me. Girls from down the hall and guys from Dalton… I didn't know how to tell them no so I just…"
"Santana…."
"I gave them what they wanted." Santana says, her eyes are watery but Brittany can tell that Santana's holding back her tears, refusing to let them drop.
They took what they wanted because I'm not worth the wait. I'm not worth the trouble of a date or conversation…
"I figured they'd take it anyway so-" She wipes a fallen tear and Brittany grips her chin to turn Santana's face.
"You always have the right to say no, Santana." Brittany whispers, "It doesn't matter if they stop or not… you get to say no. Fight back." Santana shakes her head.
"You're the first person I've ever told anything too… I don't think I have much fight left in me." Santana says softly but Brittany kisses her lightly.
"Yes you do, and if you can't fight for yourself… I will." Santana doesn't smile but she keeps her eyes locked on Brittany's,
"You still love me?"
"Always."
/
It had become a routine, really. Santana would wake up around 7 or 8 am, and she would help Mrs. Pierce cook breakfast. Sometimes she'd even tell Mrs. Pierce to take a seat and just relax while she prepared breakfast for the family.
Santana didn't mind though. This was the first time she had ever really felt a part of a family, not someone who was just taking up space, not someone who was there temporarily, she felt like belonged. And she loved it.
It didn't feel like Christmas to Santana… probably because this was the best holiday she had yet to experience. She felt warm and soft inside, not hard and cold. She was looking forward to the big day, even if The Pierces didn't buy her anything; she'd enjoyed her time with them, and mostly with Brittany. "You and mom have been cooking an awful lot." Brittany says. Santana looks up from the snow covered ground to look at Brittany, she smiles because Brittany is smiling at her and it makes her giddy.
"She wants me to help with Christmas dinner-"
"Oh! If you do then I don't have to." Santana smirks and pushes Brittany lightly.
"You're not getting out of it. She wants me to join her with you and Kelly."
"Darn… I always wanna play with my toys. Not cook." Santana raises an eyebrow.
"Toys?"
"Last year they got me the blue My Little Pony but it was like… taller than me. But I had to cook." Santana giggles before answering,
"I'm sorry about that." Brittany just shrugs and pushes her feet up. Their on the tire swing in her backyard, all bundled up. "So what's the story behind this tire swing?" Santana asks.
"No story. My dad put it up so I and Kelly wouldn't bug him when we were younger."
"But it's huge." Santana says, acknowledging the fact that she and Brittany are both sitting with their legs on the inside of the tire and facing each other.
"I think he got it from a tractor store." Santana nods her head and helps Brittany to push so that they're swinging. "When's your dad coming?"
"He said he gets off at 3 and it's like an hour drive so I'm guessing at like 4:30…"
"Have you thought about what he asked?"
"I have I just… I'm not sure."
"I don't see why not-"
"All I see is reasons why not."
"Other than what we talked about the other night?" Santana shrugs and drops her head so that she can look at her legs. "When he gets you today maybe you'll talk a little more, get more comfortable with the idea.
"Maybe."
"Sooooo…" Brittany sings, "Why'd you start talking to me?" Santana looks back up and frowns,
"What do you mean?"
"You're not the friendliest person on sight Santana… but at Dalton you talked to me-"
"And you followed me into the woods."
"Because you talked to me."
"Well… why'd you talk to me?"
"I asked you first." Santana sighs,
"I'm not totally sure, really. You were out in the common room by yourself and usually everyone at Dalton in out talking to the founders and what not… I just… I don't know."
"You were attracted to me," Brittany whispers to Santana and the Latina nods,
"Yeah, I guess I was." She says. "And I thought you were drop dead gorgeous. I saw those blue eyes like a mile away." Brittany blushes,
"You're the first person to really listen to me." Brittany says, "All my life… no one's ever really listened to me. People just kind of wave off what I say, or laugh and call me stupid but… but you didn't. And what I said when we first met was very stupid-"
"No it wasn't." Santana interrupts, "I remember what you said: you compared yourself to Cinderella and told me everything on your mind right then and there. You were so open to share your thoughts… I thought you were unique and different and I thought you were cute." She tell Brittany.
"Oh…" They're both still smiling, just looking at each other and getting lost. "I thought you were stunning and mysterious," Santana reaches over slowly, reaching for Brittany's hands but she pulls away and looks away. "It's okay to hold my hand…" Brittany assures her, "I want you to."
"I want to kiss you."
"You can do that too."
"It's… It's-"
"Don't worry about what it is… concentrat on how it makes you feel." Brittany suggests. "How I make you feel."
"Um… I-I'm not sure." Santana chews on her bottom lip,
"Well," Brittany leans over and takes Santana's hands, "Kiss me and find out." Santana nods and leans the rest of the way in, connecting her lips to Brittany's. It's an innocent kiss, sweet and slow and Santana pulls away slightly. Just enough to let out a very shaky breath, but Brittany pulls her back and they kiss again. They're lips moving to a rhythm. Brittany's eyes are closed but Santana's are open, staring at the girl before her. She's so cute with her panda bear hat and bubble coat, her kisses at hot and when Brittany closes her mouth on Santana's bottom lip the Latina moans and pulls away.
"I'm sorry." Brittany says.
"No… you're fine I just…" She looks over to see Brittany's mom though the kitchen window. "What if she saw."
"She'd be fine." Brittany says but Santana shakes her head.
"We shouldn't… not when people can see us." Brittany crosses her arms and nods sadly. Santana has to get used to this, she's been trained to think it's wrong.
"She wouldn't care, you know." Brittany mumbles, "Kelly's gay."
"But I'm not her daughter… I don't want to ruin anything, okay?"
"Okay…" Brittany says, "But you can't hide this about yourself forever."
"Brittany-"
"It's who you are… and you should celebrate it because people would give anything to have love Santana, any kind of love. We love each other and we shouldn't have to hide it."
"Stop!" Santana hisses, "I'm not saying that… that I don't love you because I do. I'm saying I don't want to upset or offend your mom…"
"Fine. I guess you'll just upset and offend me." With that Brittany gets up from the swing and stomps into the house, leaving Santana alone.
/
Brittany didn't say bye before she left, and the whole time Santana was getting dressed Brittany didn't say a word. She scrolled down her phone and even opened one of her school books. But she didn't talk to Santana.
/
"I hope you don't mind if we sit outside today, it's not too cold." Santana can't help but wonder if he's asking her or telling her. But she shrugs her shoulders and agrees anyway. She doesn't mind being outside, the snow's never bothered her too much. Unless its' windy and snow is blowing in her face, but today is a calm winter day and snow is barely covering the streets. They pull into a parking lot and Santana smiles when they've arrived to a park. "I know you're a little too old to swing on the swings… but we can sit on the bench and talk." He grins and Santana nods as they climb out of the car.
They've grown closer, her dad and her. Even if she does feel weird hugging him sometimes, it's a good weird. But they haven't hugged today; Santana's too worried about Brittany.
"What's on your mind?" Carlos asks and snaps Santana back to reality.
"What?"
"When you were a kid whenever you were thinking too hard you'd kind of drift off and you'd get quiet. So what's going on?" Santana hesitates and takes in a deep breath.
"Ho-how do you feel about gay people, dad?" He raises both eyebrows at the question,
"Growing up it wasn't accepted. Two people of the same sex being together… and I myself wasn't too fond of it. I didn't understand it, but I didn't care for it either. It didn't bother me… it wasn't my buisness." As he talks Santana can feel herself changing her mind, why would she tell a homophobe about her homosexual life? "It wasn't until I got to college that I… I witness gay bashing. I'd seen kids make fun of gays before, that wasn't new but… there was this guy in my dorm. He was gay, like obviously on every level gay. And one day me and your mom went out to the movies… I saw him getting beat up. There were about four guys just… punching him and kicking him." Carlos says lowly, "It was terrible. It was absolutely just… and I knew him. I had spoken with this guy before, I had laughed with him… he was funny. His boyfriend was my roommate and they weren't bad guys, you know?" Santana looks at her dad,
"Did you help him?"
"I did. And I got my ass beat with him." He chuckles, "It was that night that I realized no one deserves anything like that… and I kept thinking that I would never do that to someone, that I wasn't one of those guys… but then I remembered all the kids I made fun of in high school and it's the same thing, really. That night I changed the guy I wanted to be…" He pauses. "I feel that gay people deserve to be happy and safe life like everyone else." Santana nods and looks at her hands,
"I'm gay… dad." He chuckles again,
"I figured."
"How?!"
"Always have." He says, "You just never seemed interested… but you were young so I didn't assume anything just yet… but then when Brittany messaged me… the way she talked about you, she was so determined to get us to meet. She said that she thought it would make the biggest difference in your world. And the way you looked at her… was I not supposed to know?" Santana bows her head, "It's nothing to be ashamed of." Santana shakes her head,
"It's just… she's so good at showing how she feels, and I suck at it. I've never had to talk about my feelings before." Santana mumbles. Carlos smiles she puts his arm around his daughter,
"You might get that from me, I was never good at it either. But it makes you angry inside." He starts, "I get to give you some fatherly advice now?" He smiles and Santana nods her head, "Tell her what's on your heart, not your mind. Your mind has worries and fears; Brittany doesn't want to hear that." Santana nods, understanding what he means.
"Okay. I-I don't want to hurt her though… she means too much to me."
"You'll figure it out," Its quiet for a while before Carlos clears his throat, "I was thinking you could come over for Christmas eve?" He says quickly, "Jasmine cooks this big dinner and usually just us and the kids… but she wanted to know if you wanted to come too. You could meet her and your little brother and sister-"
"I'll think about it." Santana answers back, "Could Brittany come? If she's talking to me by then?" Carlos nods,
"Of course… Jasmine's excited to see you. And so are the twins."
"I'm nervous."
"Don't be." He says, "They love you."
/
Brittany's by the fireplace when Santana gets home. She's just kind of staring, her knees pulled to her chest and she's wrapped in a soft looking blanket. "Can I join?" Santana asks as she walks over to her best friend. Brittany looks up at her with those big blue eyes and she simply nods, she even makes room for Santana in the blanket. "Thanks," Santana whispers and Brittany mumbles,
"No problem." It's quiet while Santana tries to find her words. While she tries to organize her thoughts so that she doesn't sound like a complete idiot.
"You make me feel pure." She spits out, Brittany turns her head to look at the other girl who's eyes are focused on the dancing fire. "You said that I was the first person to listen to you… you're the first person to ever even care to hear me speak." Santana whispers, "No one's ever given me a chance to say a damn thing… they already knew what they wanted from me. You make me feel like… like maybe I'm worth something after all. Maybe I'm not just good for one thing. You make me feel loved, Brittany. And this is so new…"
"I get it." Brittany says softly. She turns her whole body so that she is facing Santana. "I get how you could be ashamed of liking girls and I get that you don't want to be totally out. I was just upset earlier-"
"But you deserve someone that will shout to the sky that you're there's because you're so amazing, Brittany."
"But you're not ready to do that-"
"But I don't want you to think that I don't. You've helped me be less ashamed… but the feeling is still there." Santana finally looks up and turns her body to Brittany. "Please never deny that I love you, Brittany. I know that, I'm not ashamed of that… I just…"
"You have some things to work out." Brittany says and Santana nods,
"Yeah. Some things to work out." She sniffles. "I'm so fucked up…"
"No, you're perfect."
/
I'm sorry for this chapter being so short, but I didn't think it needed to be too long. Also, it's been a pretty stressful month, but I am sorry for not updating. I'll try to have chapter 11 next Tuesday.