.

.

.

Behind Closed Doors
10.

.

.

.

The tissues were waiting. Glaring at the blank television screen, Piper inhaled sharply between her teeth, and tried to keep herself as calm as possible. In her raging state, she couldn't speak. She couldn't tell Polly what a mess she had made. Not only had she cheated on Larry with a woman she barely knew, but she had also slept with a woman who was already involved. A woman who was a drug dealer, a criminal and a fucking tuberculosis patient. Her patient. A woman she treated herself.

Before arriving at Polly's, Piper ran through her mind what she could say, and if she should say anything at all. Juliet's confrontation had triggered something. Whatever this something was, it made Piper feel like shit. It nearly made her want to burst into tears. What had she done? What was going on? Did Alex know her girlfriend had approached her? Was Alex even aware that Juliet was keen to commit to their dwindling relationship?

What did Alex know? And how much had she told Piper? She said her relationship with Juliet was complicated. What the fuck did that mean? Complicated, as in they only used each other for sex? Complicated, as in it was an open relationship? Complicated, as in they were considering on ending what they had? Or complicated, as in they loved each other, and found it hard to let each other go, even when it had been established their relationship wasn't going to work?

Damn it. Fuck. If Juliet wasn't nice, if Juliet hadn't provided good reasons for Piper to stay away, then maybe Piper wouldn't be this angry. Maybe Piper wouldn't be this upset. Because she could say what she damn well wished about Alex. She could curse her, speak unkindly about her, spread rumours about her, she could be an absolute bitch when it came to Alex Vause, but the heavy truth remained. Piper liked her.

A lot.

So much so, she found it hard to take a step back. She found it hard to not want to find Alex, punch her in the fucking jaw and demand what the hell was going on between them. What was Piper? Just another one-night stand? Another stupid, pathetic, straight girl who wanted to know what it was like to be fucked by another girl? Just a plaything for Alex to enjoy? Did Alex even like her? Fuck. Oh, fuck. Piper leaned back into the sofa. Oh, God.

It was disgusting that the only person she could think about was Alex. She hadn't even given Larry a second thought. Larry Bloom, the love of her life, who was trying so fucking hard to find a job with a decent pay. To offer Piper a secure, happy marriage, with the potential of children, a house, white picket fence and garden. A dream. Before, that was what Piper wanted. What she thought she needed. Her mother's constant nagging and ideals had started to rub off on her. Maybe a house, garden and white picket fence wasn't everything after all. Maybe a husband wasn't everything after all.

Maybe Piper was just better off alone.

One day, Larry would discover what happened. Affairs always got out. And even if Piper never met Alex again, even if she married Larry, he would still discover the affair. He would still be hurt, tremendously. He would still look at her and think, "This is the woman I loved, who betrayed me. Who cheated on me." In Piper's mind, nothing was worse than being unfaithful in a relationship. Especially in a marriage. She didn't want to be a cheater, she didn't want to be unsure –– she wanted to be loyal, perfect. Everything impossible.

Piper had spent the majority of her life wishing to please her mother. And, now, her achievements and successes were going to waste.

Yet no matter how much guilt she suffered, how much shame and anger –– Alex would never leave her head. Alex was usually, if not always, constantly on her mind. Be it as a patient, a friend or something much more. This wasn't a crush, this wasn't an admiration or anything of the sort. It was worse. How Piper felt about Alex was confusing.

If Alex were here now, and she asked Piper to be with her, to dump Larry and be with her instead –– Piper would hesitate. But, she would choose Larry. She would always choose Larry because the life he provided was safer. Piper couldn't get involved with a criminal. And she would choose Larry because she knew him better, she felt safer with him around. Alex was too much. With Alex, everything was unplanned, crazy, there wasn't any knowing what would be waiting around the corner.

Plus, she was technically still a patient. Piper couldn't be with a patient, and with good reason. God knew what would happen to Alex in the near future. If she continued to smoke, take drugs, drink alcohol, she wouldn't survive. She was helping her body destroy itself, and that was too much. For Piper, that would be unfair and too much to handle. She didn't want Alex. She didn't want Alex by her side constantly, didn't want Alex to hold her, love her.

'––You ready to talk yet?'

Piper sighed, slumped her shoulders. 'I don't know.'

A pause. Hesitance. Piper looked away from the television, softened her expression. Alex made her feel special, made her feel alive. Yes, everything was unplanned, but everything was so exciting too. She was exciting. Everything she did was exciting. Her smile was exciting, that funny, devilish glimmer in her green irises, how her hands pressed against Piper's flesh. How her lips marked her body, had Piper gasping and moaning for more within seconds. How perfect her tongue felt inside her, how her curvaceous, divine form felt against her own. Piper flushed.

The very memory of Alex kissing her, feeling her, her palms against her breasts, shoulders, hips, waist, thighs–– there. The memory made Piper flustered, it felt as if all the blood had poured from her head to her groin. Just knowing what Alex could do to her, how good she felt, made Piper blush and throb a little. Urgh. Fuck Alex. Fuck her for being so amazing in bed, and for being such a smart-ass, witty, wonderful woman.

Damn it.

Piper laughed suddenly. Polly gave her an odd look.

'Are you drunk?'

'No,' Piper replied.

When she offered no explanation, Polly started to grow impatient. Groaning, she bent her head back against the settee. 'Okay, I had to kick out my boyfriend so I could talk to you. Piper, I could be getting laid right now––'

'Oh, God, Polly!'

'What's wrong, then?' Polly laughed, pleased her friend finally had a satisfying response. 'The last time you needed an emergency bitch talk was when one of your exes cheated on you. So...' Polly's smile fell. Widened her eyes. 'Did Larry cheat on you?'

Piper swallowed. 'No.'

'Did––' Polly frowned. 'Did he do something?'

'... No.'

'Right. Hm. Did you do something?'

'Yes.'

'What did you do?'

Alex. I did Alex, and I am a whore. 'Too much.'

'Oh, fuck.'

'I––' Piper inhaled. 'I did a terrible mistake.'

'Pipes.' Polly wasn't smiling anymore. This was serious. This was shit. Leaning forwards, she held Piper's gaze for a while, and the concern and worry in her eyes only made Piper feel worse. 'You can tell me. Come on. What happened?'

'I––' Her voice cracked, and Piper realised if she confessed, she would cry. So she stopped herself. She stopped herself, and waited for Polly to push her. Waited for Polly to force it out of her, because she needed to. She had to. Piper had to tell her the truth.

Polly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and pulled her close. 'There, there. I'm here. Tell me all about it.'

Leaning against her, Piper sighed again. She could already feel a lump forming in her throat and, now, thinking about Larry and Alex was painful. Thinking about what she had done to Larry made Piper so furious. And just thinking about Alex, knowing what they did together, knowing she was out of reach, knowing she was bad for Piper, made the girl want to cry.

All she had to do was memorise that smile again, the way she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose when feeling awkward.

'I had sex!'

Polly flinched, and stared at Piper when she burst into uncontrollable tears. 'Uh... Jesus, Pipes.' She reached over to grab the box of tissues, and pulled one out, dabbing Piper's moist cheeks. 'Since when did that ever bother you? Unless you were lying the time you texted me you lost your virginity, I don't see why you'd be crying about having sex now.'

'No.' Piper sniffled, and looked at her, watery eyed. 'I had sex, Polly.'

'Uh...'

'With a person!'

'With––' Polly's left eye twitched. 'You're making my head hurt.'

'With a woman!'

'Oh.'

'With a patient!'

'Oh.'

'Well, technically, she's an ex patient... but she's not. She might be my patient again because she keeps forgetting to take her meds and I slept with her, Polly. I slept with somebody else, and her girlfriend is going to burn me alive if I so much as look at her––'

'Whoa, Piper––'

'––And I haven't told Larry yet––' Piper broke into an ugly sob again, '––I can't stand hurting him, Polly. I'm such a fuck up. I slept with somebody else. I cheated on my fiancé! And she had two toothbrushes,' Piper couldn't stop crying and just to be dramatic, she let out a wail, 'She had two toothbrushes and she told me she was single!'

'Oh, my God.'

'I'm going to Hell. I'm going to fry in Hell, aren't I?' Piper wiped her face, sniffed loudly. 'I'm going to Hell and will have to be best friends with Hitler because it's gonna be so fucking lonely down there!'

'Will you shut the fuck up?!'

Piper gave her a look, pouted and sobbed quietly. Exhaling, Polly rolled her eyes, held up her hands in an attempt to calm Piper's mood. So much had been said, she didn't know where to start. Although she was used to Piper's drama, that didn't mean it never ceased to amaze her the bullshit her best friend came out with.

Shuffling closer, Polly offered another tissue. 'So, you cheated on Larry with a patient?'

'Yes,' Piper blew her nose.

'Okay. And the patient is a woman.'

'Yes.'

'When did this happen?'

'Last night.'

'Wow. Really?'

'It feels longer.'

Polly raised her brows. 'Right. What's the patient's name?'

The last thing Piper wanted to do was reveal the wretched woman's name, 'Alex Vause,' she choked back a cry.

'You mean––?' Polly widened her eyes. 'Her?'

'Yeah, her!'

'What the fuck, Piper? Out of all the women to sleep with, you choose Alex Vause? She's a prick. Sarcastic, old lady with TB.'

'She's not that old,' the blonde replied, who had temporarily stopped crying. 'Oh, and I treated her TB.'

Polly shrugged. 'True.' Then she stared at the floor, allowing Piper's crime to sink in. Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. 'Wow. Wow. Oh, wow. Wow.' Polly looked at her, was about to say something, closed her mouth. Looked back at the floor. 'Wow––'

'What do I do? Do I tell Larry––?'

'No!'

'No?'

'No. Don't tell Larry. Uh...'

'I'm going to marry him, Polly. I can't not tell him. I can't marry him and have this fucking sin hanging over my head.'

'Let's try and keep religion out of this, please. It'll just get nasty.' Polly ran a hand through her hair, exhaled slowly. 'Okay. For now, don't tell Larry. It was just a one-night stand and you don't even like Alex the way you like Larry, right?' She didn't wait for Piper's answer. 'There's no point in upsetting the man you love. I mean, what good will it do telling him you slept with someone who you'll never meet again?'

It was reasonable logic, Piper decided.

'But, tell me, P. Why did you fuck her?'

This was a question Piper had been asking herself the whole day. Why did she sleep with Alex? Why did she kiss her? Why did Piper come to her? Why Alex? 'I don't know right now.' Piper looked away, wiped a stray tear with the back of her hand. Maybe because Alex simply excited her? That must be it. Or, maybe it was the alcohol? They had been drinking that night.

'If you do see her––' Piper winced, '––ignore her. Don't even look at her.'

'Okay.'

'Pipes, if you don't want to cause problems between you and Larry, then that's all you can do. You have to make a choice: Larry or Alex.'

'She has a girlfriend.'

'Oh... Oh, yes, the toothbrushes.' Polly had no idea what the toothbrush situation was about, but she gathered it was related to the girlfriend issue. 'Fine. I guess Supercunt is out of the picture.'

'Supercunt?'

Polly shrugged. 'Anyone who makes my best friend cry doesn't deserve to be referred to by their proper name. Piper, if she does come back as a patient, then you can transfer her onto my service. You have every right to do that, and if Doctor Healy or another fucking attending asks why, just say we're trading several patients so we have more of a variety.'

Nodding, Piper decided that would be best. Ignore Alex. Pretend she didn't exist, devote herself to Larry, and only Larry. She made a mistake. Arguably, an unforgivable one, but it would be cruel of her to tell Larry about it. Right? Plus, Alex couldn't be hers anyway. She had a girlfriend. A pretty, successful girlfriend who was far better than Piper in so many ways. There was no competition.

If Piper had to choose between Piper and Juliet, she would choose Juliet.

Polly pulled Piper into a hug. 'Just know I still love you.'

'I love you, too.' Piper hugged her back, and rested her head on her shoulder. 'I'm an asshole, aren't I?'

'Yeah,' Polly said. 'But, I don't care.'

Even if she had made her decision, even if she chose Larry –– even if she had made the right decision –– Piper still felt uneasy. Alex was still there, still in her thoughts, and it bothered her. Bothered her so much she felt like throwing up. Alex still made her heart race, still made her palms clammy, still made her feel too many things.

For the rest of the evening, Piper lived in a puddle of regret and shame. Polly let her stay overnight, because she knew Piper couldn't face Larry yet. Seeing him would bring her to tears again. He asked her if she was okay via text, and Piper lied –– everything was fine. Nothing was wrong. They were fine, and they were going to be okay.

Just what had she done?

.

.

.

Neither Polly or Piper were surprised when Larry met them at the hospital the following morning. Polly went on ahead out of respect for their privacy, and Piper wasn't sure if she wanted her to stay. The doctor was taken by surprise when Larry swooped her up into his arms and kissed her hard on the mouth. Piper forced a little smile, but inside she felt as if she had been ripped in two. She didn't deserve to be kissed.

She didn't deserve the bagel he offered her either. But, damn, she was starving and the cereal Polly had was revolting. Her shift was starting soon so she hurriedly stuffed the bagel into her mouth, dropping several crumbs onto the floor. Larry grinned, 'Careful, there. If you eat that too fast it'll come back out the wrong way.'

'I gotta––' Piper decided she should swallow before speaking. Once her food was down, she returned to Larry. 'I got to go. I'll come home tonight.'

'Babe,' Larry said, softening his expression. 'Is this about me not spending time with you on your day off?'

He was serious. Absolutely serious and it broke her heart. 'No. No, it's got nothing to do with you.' He raised his brows. 'I'll––' Piper cleared her throat. 'Look, I have to go. But we'll talk later tonight, okay? My shift finishes at six.'

'Okay.' He smiled reassuringly. 'Don't work yourself too hard.' They kissed, and Piper didn't waste a moment longer. She rushed inside the hospital, and kept her head low.

The locker room was packed with doctors. Someone brushed by, knocking her on the shoulder, and she would have glared at him if she wasn't trying so hard to avoid eye contact. Polly raised a brow at her in question when she arrived, but Piper said nothing. As well as Larry, she couldn't face Polly right now either. She just felt guilty. So fucking guilty.

Scrubs on, hair tied back and stethoscope wrapped around the back of her neck, Piper left the locker room to collect her charts. She skimmed through each, hands shaking, scared she would see that name. Fortunately, she didn't find it. She was safe. For the first time in two days, she smiled a little, and it was a real smile. Effortless.

It was sad how overjoyed she was to not find Alex's name.

Before she could reach her fist patient, her attending, Doctor Healy, caught her in the hallway. 'Chapman.' She flinched in surprise, and turned to face him, 'You all right?'

'What? Yes. Yes, sir. Why wouldn't I be?' Piper nearly slapped herself. Subtlety wasn't her strongest suit, and it was very obvious she was not all right. He furrowed his brows, then, after a while, decided to let the topic rest.

Healy passed over a folder. 'This needs to go up to psych. It's for Doctor Barr.'

Not too pleased to be doing the grunt work, Piper reluctantly took the folder. 'Yes, sir.'

'He seems to insist that one of his patients –– Tiffany Doggett –– is medical.' He rolled his eyes. 'Believe me, she is not medical.'

Piper nodded slowly. 'Yes, sir.'

'Anyway, did you enjoy your day off? I imagine your boyfriend had plans.'

Perfect. Of all things to talk about. Piper forced a smile. 'Yes. We went to a hotel. It was nice.' It was non-existent, too. Nothing happened between Piper and her boyfriend. Fuck. If Healy found out Piper had slept with a patient, he would sack her so fast her head would still be spinning before she realised what had happened. 'I'll deliver this, sir,' she said, desperate to get out of the conversation.

'See you around, Chapman.'

Relieved to be free, Piper turned around, deposited her charts and headed for the lift. Psych was on the top floor, and she had only been once. There were many stories about what went on in psych and it sounded far from pleasant. Piper had no idea who Tiffany Doggett was, so wasn't able to agree with Doctor Healy if she was medical or not.

The lift reached her desired floor, and she stepped out, proceeding for one of the desks on the left. A doctor was busy filing away, and he didn't notice her, until she spoke, 'Hi, is Doctor Barr here?'

A shrug. 'Who knows?'

Brilliant. It was a doctor with an ego too big for him to handle. Piper smiled sarcastically, 'Thank you so much for your help.' Impatient and pissed off, the blonde searched for another member of staff. She stepped into the hallway and was about to walk down, when she saw a doctor holding the hand of a struggling patient.

She was skinny, small, long brown hair. Piper stared at them both.

'I am not insane! I am chosen! I am God's angel sent from Heaven to free you from your dark, twisted sins.' The patient noticed Piper from afar, and frowned, giving her a funny look. Piper looked away when she saw the lack of teeth, and how the doctor dragged her into her ward.

'Can I help?'

Piper jumped in surprise and turned around. A tall, handsome man was looking down at her with a raised brow. 'Yes. I'm looking for Doctor Barr?'

'He's just on break. Is that for him?'

Handing over the folder, Piper nodded. 'Regarding a patient called Tiffany Doggett.'

'Ah. You just met her. Charming, isn't she?'

'You mean... the apostle who went down that hallway?' Piper asked, pointing in the direction she saw Tiffany.

The other doctor smiled. 'Yeah. Apparently a lot of people in this hospital are corrupt and are in need of having their souls replenished or whatever. Guess she had a busy day.'

Piper wondered if she was being deliberately taunted. Just this morning, she was considering going to a Church and confessing. Maybe that would help her feel better. Confronting Tiffany Doggett about it, though, seemed more like a death wish than anything. That girl did not look medical, Piper had to admit.

Returning to the lift, Piper returned to her floor. And, God, it was a brighter, happier place than up there. She passed Polly who didn't ask her any questions, but they shared a look, and Piper had a feeling her friend would try and catch her on break. Despite their lengthy conversation last night, there was still much to discuss.

Frankly, Piper didn't feel settled about anything yet either.

When she was finally able to focus on her patients, Piper already felt a little better. Her patients had always been great at distracting her, especially this boy who was suffering from a fractured skull. A lot of painkillers and morphine was required before he calmed down and stopped screaming. There was also another patient who had been stuck in here for the past fortnight, waiting for a liver transplant.

He was nice, sweet. Asked how she was doing, to which she lied and said she was doing fine. He said she was lucky, chuckled, and admitted he wished he was doing fine too. Piper just smiled sympathetically. It sounded sick, but she would rather be the one waiting for a liver, than enduring this horrible, horrible guilt which continued to rip her slowly. Tear her insides, pull at her heart. She hated her life right now.

If she could turn back the clocks, she would. She would not have kissed Alex when she lost those two patients. She would not have agreed to follow Alex to the nightclub. She would not have kissed Alex again, followed her back to her hotel, and let Alex fuck her on the bed. She wouldn't have done any of those things. She would have remained a respectable, good doctor and soon-to-be wife. What she should be.

If she could, Piper would start again.

Go back to the start.

Someone was waiting for her at the nurse's station.

Piper stared. Her heart stopped. She went pale, and she stopped breathing. Alex noticed her, started to move, but before she could utter a word, before she could call Piper back, the doctor turned on her heel. And walked. Nearly ran. She didn't look back. Oh, Gods. Oh, Gods. Alex was here. Alex was here. Alex was here, and she was here for her.

No.

No.

No, this was wrong. This was wrong. This was wrong.

The doctor rushed into an empty on-call room. The darkness was unforgiving, made her shiver, and she remembered how to breathe. She exhaled shakily, held herself and scrunched her eyes closed when the door opened, closed. Alex was behind her, she could feel her presence, her warmth, her awful, wonderful self. Piper waited, waited for the worst.

'I need to talk to you.'

Piper jarred her teeth, opened her eyes, but still refused to look at her.

'What happened –– did mean something.'

No...

'And I'm willing to try this, Piper. If you are.'

No...

'Are you?'

Help. Help me. Please. Oh, God. Alex, how could you? Trembling, in pain, struggling, Piper finally turned to face her. She couldn't see Alex very well in the little light, but could make out the rim of her glasses, the outline of her body, the shine in her eyes, and her unsure, small smile which Piper knew she would tear right off. She saw Alex and she nearly cried. This was wrong. This had gone out of hand.

'I cannot fall in love with a patient.'

The smile fell. Her hope smashed. Alex knew what was coming, but she foolishly stayed put. She let Piper break what was left.

'Juliet came to me yesterday.'

'What?'

'She said that you two–– you two could still work, and she sounded so convinced. I couldn't...' Piper swallowed. 'I can't do this, Alex. I'm engaged, you're with someone who loves you, and that should be enough. Because I don't know what we are. I don't know how I feel about you. You don't know how you feel about me either, but Juliet is certain and––'

If she wanted, she could stop there, because she had made her point.

'––and I can't be responsible for ruining what you two could have. What you do have.' She exhaled shakily, clenched a fist. 'I'm with Larry. I love Larry. I choose Larry.'

Piper waited. She waited for Alex to yell at her, scold her, make her feel small and pathetic and selfish. She waited. But, nothing happened. Nothing happened. Alex watched her in the darkness, still, unmoving. She might not even be breathing. She was motionless, and Piper couldn't see her expression. She had no idea what Alex was thinking.

Then, she heard Alex sigh. It was a tired sigh.

'Of course you do.' A whisper. It wasn't accusing, it wasn't cruel, it wasn't anything. It was just a whisper.

A couple of footsteps. Alex opened the door, and light shone into the room. That was when Piper caught a glimpse of her. Saw her blank expression, the lack of surprise, the exhaustion. Alex didn't look at her. She walked out, and quietly closed the door.

Piper exhaled. Inhaled.

Tears stung her eyes, and she didn't leave. She waited until she was certain Alex was down the hallway, out of the hospital, in her car and gone. She waited until she was certain Alex had left her.

Crushed, defeated, Piper opened the door to the on call room. Paused. Before stepping out into the hurried scatter of life and death.

.

.

.

author's note: Well, hey there. I told you I'd return. My novel is finished, which means I can spend more time writing my Vauseman stories. Thank you so much for waiting and, as always, for your feedback and amazing support. Maybe I should apologise for how this story is evolving but I guess I can't help myself. I shall update soon. See you then!