Chapter Ten:

He banged on the door until Grissom opened it.

"Better have a bottle," said Brass as he walked past Grissom without waiting for an invitation to enter.

He looked at Grissom with the chilled glass in his hand and smiled. "Started without me."

He followed Grissom to the counter as he poured another drink handing it to Brass.

"Final findings on Howard Tripton?" asked Brass.

"Doc says that it appears to be a suicide but he's not so convinced by the entry of the bullet and the positioning of the body in the vehicle but there's not enough to rule otherwise."

"No suicide note…"

"Wife insists the man would have fled before harming himself. She's not convinced it was suicide….but then again the one million dollar insurance policy is not going to pay off on a suicide and she's the beneficiary," said Grissom as he emptied his glass.

They sat in silence before Grissom continued.

"Doc told me about what transpired in the morgue," said Grissom. "The tape was still running."

"You never know in our business whose recording,"

Grissom glanced at Brass. "Confession is good for the soul. I wish I had better timing when it came to mine."

Brass watched as Grissom downed the amber liquid before responding.

"I wire tapped her apartment."

"You did what!"

"You couldn't expect me to just let him go in there and be alone with her. I had it wire tapped."

"I take it she didn't know."

"No, but she agreed to work under cover…I know…I should have told you…yeah I know you think I have shit for brains..Look, I'm giving you the tape. You need to hear…"

"No, I don't."

"Yes the hell you do! She didn't sleep with the guy…she couldn't…she's still in love with you. If you don't get off your ass she's going to…she's going to let that bastard…and it's going to be your fault!"

He slammed the glass down along with the tape and left. Grissom picked up the tape and threw it across the room.

Everyone expected her to call in sick but she didn't, working as though nothing had happened. Greg followed her around until she threatened him with bodily harm. Grissom kept his distance. He was so preoccupied with the suicide of Howard Tripton he had not noticed the case Catherine had assigned to Sara.

"Look, all I am asking is to have a black-and-white do regular welfare checks," said Sara as she walked down the hall with Catherine.

"Did the wife ask for help?"

"Well, that's kind of hard to do when you don't speak English and you're a sex slave. I'm sure she doesn't know her rights," replied Sara.

Catherine sighed, "You can't arrest someone for marrying the wrong person."

"You would know." Catherine stood there shocked by the comment but she ignored it and moved one.

"If the guy's an abuser, if he killed his first wife, we will build a case and we will nail him."

"And in the meantime, he can just keep using her as a punching bag."

"Sara, I was there -- there wasn't a mark on her."

"Not that we could see, Catherine."

"You know ... every time we get a case with a hint of domestic violence or abuse, you go off the deep end. What is your problem?"

"Yeah, I probably do, and you let your sexuality cloud your judgment about men, and I'm gonna go over your head."

She didn't know why she felt compelled to attack Catherine but at the moment she wasn't going to back down. She cringed when Ecklie yelled at her and told her to get into his office. She stood there prepared to defend herself knowing that she had stepped out of line but no longer caring about her job or her future with the department. Sara had had enough.

"Willows is a supervisor -- that means you treat her with respect. Insulting her in front of coworkers ..."

"She's not my supervisor."

"All right-- your superior. Sara, you berate witnesses, you disrespect the people you work with, you luck your way out of a DUI. Take a look -- you got a half a dozen complaints in your jacket. And if Grissom really documented your performance, there'd probably be a dozen more-- that's not the kind of person I want in my lab."

"The only reason this is your lab is because Grissom doesn't kiss ass. You couldn't hack it in the field, so you fail your way up, you break up our team, and now you just hang out in the hallways waiting for one of us to screw up."

"Sidle, you're on one-week suspension without pay,"

"Great."

"... and when you get back, you're apologizing to Catherine."

Sara shook her head, "No, I'm not."

She turned and walked out of the lab, ignoring the calls from Greg and the others. She sat at her desk, a beer bottle in her hand, trying to force herself to write a resignation. She knew that to leave immediately following a suspension would not look good on her record and might cost her a future as a criminalist. At the moment she didn't care. She just wanted to get away. She was surprised when the knock came at the door and she stood face to face with Grissom. She sighed as she turned off the stereo by remote.

"Well, if you're here, it can't be good."

"Can I come in?"

She stepped back to let Grissom in. She lifted her beer bottle at him, "Want to ask me if I'm drunk?"

"We both know that's not your problem."

"I spoke to Catherine."

"Ecklie?"

"He wants me to fire you."

"I figured." She sighed almost feeling a sense of relief that she would not have to write the resignation.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Sure. An explanation."

"I ... lost my temper."

Sara walked around the room and stopped in front of the chair near her desk. The room suddenly felt too small with his presence and she wished he would soon leave.

"That seems to be happening quite a bit. Do you know why?"

"What difference does it make? I'm still fired."

"It makes a difference to me."

Please Sara, let me help you….

"I have a problem with authority. I choose men who are emotionally unavailable. I'm self-destructive. All of the above."

"Have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?"

Sara took a breath, but before she could reply Grissom continued, "It's from the "Big Chill". One of the characters explaining a basic fact of life -- that rationalizations are more important to us than sex even."

Sara sat down. "I am not rationalizing anything. I crossed the line with Catherine, and

I was insubordinate to Ecklie."

"Why?"

Sara shook her head. "Leave it alone."

"No, Sara."

"What do you want from me?"

"I want to know why you're so angry." Do you know about the wiretap?

"My personal life is in shambles…what little I had…all I wanted was something besides work…I work…I come home…I work…I'm alone…The cases keep getting worse…the reminders…things I want to forget…things I need to forget…"

"You've never told me…"

I tried to tell you...when I returned from my time off…. My PEAP counselor told me to talk with you…to let you know about…" She stopped suddenly searching for the words, needing to tell him but not knowing how he would react to her past.

"I'm here now. I'm sorry that I didn't sit down with you and talk with you about it before. It's my fault."

They sat facing each other. The light from the setting sun filtered through the darkening room. Grissom tried to mentally prepare himself for what she was about to tell him. The danger words danced around in his mind as he tried to focus.

Fine, Home, family, rape, domestic violence, love….

He felt his stomach begin to knot as she stared off into space as she spoke.

"It's funny ... the things that you remember and the things that you don't, you know. There was a smell of iron in the air. Cast-off on the bedroom wall. There was this young cop puking his guts. I remember the woman who took me to foster care. I can't remember her name. Which is strange, you know, 'cause I couldn't let go of her hand?"

He saw her vulnerability as he heard it in her voice.

"Well ... the mind has its filters."

"I do remember the looks. I became the girl whose father was stabbed to death. Do you think there's a murder gene?"

"I don't believe that genes are a predictor of violent behavior."

He looked at her demeanor. Her legs were drawn up as she wrapped her arms around them in a protective stance. He caught sight of the slight trembling on her hands and the quiver in her voice. He knew she was struggling to maintain her composure.

"You wouldn't know that in my house. The fights, the yelling, the trips to the hospital. I thought it was the way that everybody lived. When my mother killed my father, I found out that it wasn't."

The words hung in the air and she tried to hold back the tears but suddenly she no longer cared and buried her head in her arms as she let herself cry. He had seen her cry before but this time they were racking sobs and he felt his heart lurch at the pain he felt for her. Grissom reached out and held her hand as she cried. When the sobs did not stop, he pulled her into an embrace holding her gently as she cried.

"I'm sorry Sara. I'm sorry I never gave you a chance to tell me. I know it must have hurt to work on some of these cases."

It felt right with her in the crook of his arm. He breathed in the scent of her hair as he held her close. He had always loved her scent. He berated himself for letting it get to this with Sara. He had been the one to ask her to come to Vegas, not thinking of the sacrifices she had made in order to come there. He knew she was too much like himself to open up to anyone and knew that if he had not pushed her away she would have told him much sooner avoiding the recent problems of her drinking and now the incident with Ecklie and Catherine. He even prayed that she would not have turned to Lurie for comfort if he had been there for her.

"I'm not firing you."

She was silent.

"I'll talk with Ecklie. This is just as much my fault as it is yours. You should have been able to talk with me Sara. I'll handle this. Promise me, if you ever need to talk you'll come to me. I'll listen."

"We used to talk…before I came to Vegas."

"I know. I looked forward to your emails. I miss that."

"Me too," she said softly.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

"You need to get back," she said as she started to pull away.

"I can stay if you need me," he offered.

She smiled slightly before moving away to pull up her legs and wrapped her arms around them as he placed a blanket around her.

"Call me," he said.

"I'm fine. It's not necessary." She said.

She's not fine…she said that damn word

"I'll call you," he offered as he stood and looked down at her. He started for the door and turned. She seemed quite tired and fragile. Without a second glance, he leaned over and kissed her gently on the forehead.

"Sleep, okay?"

She smiled and then he was gone. He stood outside the door for a moment and sighed. He did not want to leave her but he knew he would have to meet with Ecklie immediately. He found Ecklie with Catherine as they were discussing a case.

"You wanted to talk to me about Sara?" asked Grissom.

"I haven't received her disciplinary action. What's the holdup?"

"Well, I'm not firing her."

"What action are you taking?" asked Catherine.

"I've taken it."

"I thought I was clear."

"You were. Now let me be clear. Sara's behavior is a direct result of my management."

"So I should fire you."

"But you won't."

"Look, Gil ... I've been there. We're human. We get attached to people; we try to fix their problems. It doesn't work."

"She's a great criminalist, Conrad. And I need her."

"I'm sure you do. You know what? She's loose cannon with a gun. And she's all yours."

He turned and left the lab without speaking with anyone. Already the rumors were running rampant in the grapevine that Sara had been suspended and he avoided the questions from Nick and Warrick. He walked out as Greg stood outside the lab glaring at him.

The fool kid loves her as much as I do….

Love….Sara…of course….

Note from author:

Well, we see he is taking those steps now…Love the reviews. I am getting excited because you're getting close to chapter 12….

Take care! Penny