Life still pretty much sucks, but I gotta keep a brave face don't I?
Sigh.
I was touched by your guys reviews, but currently I see them as just words. I am always one who expresses the power of words, or literature but I think I've hit an All Time Low (Ha-ha the band, Alex Gaskarth aka best song writer EVER)
Words may translate soon, and I hope they do. I miss this virtual life of student by day, but a attempted online writer by night. But anyway, I've read a couple of story's that writers have put up Authors notes of stuff going on it their lives, I want to take this opportunity to tell you all that my inbox is open to everyone - fellow authors, random reviewers or creepers who want to remain nameless. Just know that.
Anyway, I felt abit blah during this chapter so it probably reflects in this. With school and life, I hope to update again this week. Love you guys.
Selena POV
I put up a list of possible suspects that could have killed Taylor. Her brother came home and we both arranged the funeral service, everything was going to plan and arranged perfectly, only fault was that we had to be present at it. I want to go, it's not out of spite or bad taste that I do not want to go, it's simply because I don't know if I can say goodbye to one of my best friends. I mean, she had her moments but when it came to the end of it; Taylor was my friend, and a loyal one at that.
She didn't deserve to get hurt, I've thought about the possibility of her being in trouble and owing money, but then I thought it was Taylor so maybe it was a blackmail that went too far. It had to be someone we know, or maybe it was a hired person.
The funeral would commence at 11, and I was both emotionally and physically exhausted. No Coffee in the world could alert my senses anymore, and I fully believe my body became immune to the caffeine and its effects. Taylor's brother Jason let us know his parents could not attend the service; no reason was given to why they couldn't attend.
So here I am now standing in all black with Emily and Miley, waiting on Demi to arrive. She was always late, it was just her thing. She didn't purposely make herself late, she just got distracted by things at her house, and she always got stuck in traffic and therefore was always late. We told her the service started at 10:30, to ensure she would be there on time for 11.
Our plan worked perfectly, as she walked up just at 10:50 – just on time. She apologised for being late, and once it was explained to her our plan of making her think she was late, when she was really just on time she commended us for our scheme. I found her amusing, like her normal day self was so...indescribable. We all faced the doors of the hall of the service, held hands and walked into the service together while the door was closed behind us, allowing no-one else in – none of us was facing this alone. Eyes wandered over us, but not for long. We sat in the front row, and waited until it began.
Silent conversations with our eyes, and the sound of small conversation from around us kept our minds occupied. The door opened and a tapping could be heard, I guess the four of our curiosities had came over us and we turned to see what was causing the sound. Jenna. All shocked we turned before anyone could notice us all staring at her, bewildered questions was flowing through all of our heads and I was sure of that.
The service was a mixture of emotions; it was hurtful in a sense that it further more reminded me of Taylor's disappearance to her tragic death but also a strange insight into her death. I kept stealing glances at everyone around me, looking to see if someone's face showed even an inch of guilt.
I was totally enchanted by being C.I.A on everyone's ass that the ceremony passed without me even realising, I don't even remember speaking on behalf of the family but apparently I did.
The back rows were the first to leave the hall, then the next row, and the next row. Right up until it was our turn to leave. We walked out of the hall. Of course there just had to be people standing talking idle gossip and gawping at us coming out, we chose to ignore them.
I was completely oblivious to whatever conversation the girls were having, until all our phones buzzed and awakened my short time day dream. We thought nothing of it, until we checked our phones and all had a look of dismay on our faces, especially me.
Emily and Taylor sitting in a tree, doing something they shouldn't be.
First comes secrets, then comes distance
Then comes a coffin and a now dead carriage.
First Taylor, who wants to be next? You're all mine, bitches. – A
Oh, shit.
I would be lying if I said that the text from A had completely scared the life out of me, I mean, who makes sick kind of rhymes like that? And what were Emily and Taylor doing that they shouldn't be? Emily went complete mute after that text, and this last week in school was proven hard to get more than two words out of her. You could always tell when Emily was hiding something, she was a bad liar. I could tell that whatever they were doing was eating the inside of Emily, but she still tried to patch herself together to try and put a brave face on for us.
We all had our own coping mechanism, and dealt with things differently.
I want to be open with my friends, but I don't exactly want to be seen as an attention seeker. There is a war in my head, and the demons seem to be winning.
You know, it's quite ironic how when we're growing up we check under the bed, or in the cupboard for monsters we're scared of – but in reality; the ones in my head are far far worse.
Sometimes I suppose I am happy
Like when I'm with my friends and I have my head thrown back and I'm shaking with laughter at a joke or sexual joke someone made
But then, day turns to night and my carefree grin turns into an unexplained sadness etched on my face – just like a tattoo and I lay in bed, thinking about all the things I could say, all the things I'm afraid to admit even with only pen and paper and mind
Its nights like these where I Selena realise, I am many things, I am happy and sad, I am shy and outgoing, rambunctious and quiet
But mostly
I am empty.
A can't hurt me, because emotionally...I am dead.