"No matter how hard you try, you cannot get rid of darkness because it does not exist. It is nothing but the absence of light. In order to effect darkness, you must do something with light. Because the light is the only thing that actually exists." - Teal

V/XXV/MMXVII

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Her beauty always ineffable, as it left him speechless.

He remembers the first time he saw her. He was leaving Hank Voight's office on his first day in Intelligence. She came up the stairs slowly, talking to another woman that was in their unit, a giant smile plastered across her face. It was December 12th at 8:48am.

"Lindsay, meet your new partner, Halstead." Voight's gruff voice startled Jay, bringing him out of his daze. She extended her hand towards him as she approached, and when his skin made contact, he wasn't ever going to forget the jolt of electricity he had felt. She was still smiling, her dimples being shown off in full force. Her grip was tight, which surprised him, due to her small stature. He couldn't help but think he wouldn't mind that strong grip in other places.

Her beauty seeped into her personality. She was usually bubbly, yet assertive. He learned that in their first car ride together when she absolutely refused to let him drive. She ranted to him about a partner she had years ago, a sexist one. She told him how relieving it felt when she didn't have to deal with him anymore, how he was still out working the beat and she was a Detective. She also told him how driving gave her the illusion that she had control over her life. He chuckled at her comment, but stopped when he noticed her solemn face.

Over the years of being partners, he fell in love with her grit and aggression, while simultaneously falling in love with her tender and caring side. He watched her interact with victimized kids, and his heart fluttered thinking how happy he would be if she mothered his. He watched her tackle a man 3 times her size by herself after he slipped in some snow during a chase and became flustered thinking how well she would dominate in the sheets.

It was their undercover op in the sex club, when she approached him in a red dress that showed off her cleavage and heels that made her legs look like they went on forever, that he felt the familiar twinge in his groin. His mouth went dry when he watched her walk, the swaying of her hips making the pain in his own hips grow. He remembered having the need to repeatedly wet his lips often that night, in case she noticed how dry they kept getting. They spent 5 hours in there, and the entire time he was trying not to pay attention to the sexual tension between them.

He was happy when she was moving up in the world, getting the chance to lead her own task force. He was even happier when he got to see her in person instead of through his TV screen after her first big bust. He vividly remembers ripping that pant suit off of her, hungry for her. Their rhythm was off, but they had lots of time to perfect it, he thought. He worshipped her beautiful body that night, kissing wherever his lips landed. Because at that moment, he promised to kiss her a million times before he died, 50 a day for the rest of their lives. Because when he was gone, she could smile, knowing there wasn't a place on her that he missed.

His heart broke when they later 'cooled it', and he was back to stealing glances from his desk. But it wasn't until he saw her at her lowest that he thought he had lost her. That he didn't try hard enough. She had dark circles under her eyes and the colour that radiated off of her had faded. Her personality had turned cold, and her physical beauty no longer lit up her attitude. Even the hair that he had tangled his fingers through multiple times seemed to be losing it's shine. He never saw her genuine smiles, the ones that would light up her eyes. All he saw was pain and anger, and all he wished was to take it all away from her, hold her burdens on his shoulders. And he would do it in a heartbeat, if it meant he got to see that smile one more time.

Her soft hands shook as she gently peeled the tape off of his mouth, and her name was all he could muster to say. Maybe because his ribs were hurting him, or maybe because he didn't have enough energy to say anything else. When her hands moved to his sides to help him sit up, he grimaced, but it felt familiar to have them gripping him. It felt like home. They felt safe compared to the hands that had touched him in the last 24 hours.

His heart wanted to beat out of his chest when Voight gave his go-ahead with their relationship, but he didn't want to pressure her into something she wasn't ready for. If she still wanted that connection with him, he would allow for her to come to him on her own volition. And she did, when her lips met his on her new couch. Soft and comforting, just as he had remembered them.

He remembers the glint in her eyes the day he asked her to move in with him. It had disappeared for a while after Justin had died, and when she was there the night Voight murdered his killer. But when he stood in the break room asking her to move in, he noticed that fire in her eyes reignite. She hesitated, and didn't give him a definitive answer. But he was patient. He could always be patient with her.

The next time he saw that light again was when she uttered the 'L' word in the 300. He watched her ramble about how she wants him to move in with her instead, and he never wanted to take her more than now, and kiss her until he could no longer feel his lips, but the light had turned green. He thought it was adorable that she had calculated how long it would take to pay off the mortgage to her apartment if they paid it together, but he would never tell her that.

He remembered the mischievous look on her face when they were given a new car, his dream car, one he talked about in his sleep. She twirled the keys around her fingers, and he never thought that she had looked any sexier. Except for when she kissed him in the parking garage after handing him the keys.

The contentment in their lives was permanent. That was until Abby was brought into the picture. She brought memories he tried hard to repress, and he couldn't hurt the best thing in his life while he was hurting himself. She was finally happy, and he knew leaving would rip her heart out. But dealing with his demons would hurt even more. He was never going to forget the look on her face as he told her he was leaving, he couldn't even bring himself to look over his shoulder as he left their bedroom. As he left her.

He was forced to see the tired-lines becoming engraved in her face, since she probably wasn't getting much sleep without him there. Regardless, she was the most beautiful thing he saw and he knew leaving was the right choice.

His heart broke when Voight had separated them as partners, because that meant he could no longer steal glances at her while one of them drove, because he was finally allowed to drive. He wouldn't be able to watch her movements in his periphery, and he would no longer be able to look at her from his paperwork since his desk was moved.

He thought of all of this as he stood in his tux at the end of the aisle next to his brother. When the music started, he took a deep breath, turning around to face the door. She had a small smile on her face as she walked towards him in the white gown next to the man she had as a father figure. He didn't stop the tears from falling from his eyes, he didn't even make an effort to wipe them away. He didn't care who saw him in a vulnerable state, if it meant that he could stare at his beautiful, soon-to-be wife all day.

Her hands trembled against his own shaking ones. And when they kissed, time stood still once again. It was like he had just met her for the first time all over again. Her beauty was always ineffable, but on this day, it left him speechless.

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