Part 8 - Tree Allergies:

-Madison Residence-

How best to put this? "...Rack is... a warlock. The kind of warlock that makes your mother look positively tame." I pause a moment while Amy starts to look nervous. Wait, no, that's her nervousness face but she doesn't smell nervous...

"...Really?" oh very subtle Amy. Okay, clearly I need to nip this in the bud. I do not need Amy going to Rack for protection from Catherine. Or from me for that matter. "And you thought he'd done something to me?" that, at least seems like honest confusion.

Okay Amy, I can play this game. "Well yeah. I come back from Los Angeles and find you in your mother's study out of your gourd with fear... Rack, he's got a reputation for digging around in the darker magics. The kind that can mess up your head." I look pointedly at her, "He's like a drug dealer. The first hit is free, but after that..." I shrug, feigning disinterest, "in retrospect, I was being silly, I think you're probably too old for him by now."

"Too old?" Amy sounds confused, I guess subtlety wont work here.

"Yeah. His interest in, ah, younger, girls is apparently noteworthy even among demons." I shrug again, "I never really saw the appeal in girls that haven't had their period yet, but," another shrug.

"Oh. OH! Gross!" And finally Amy is exuding the correct scents. Fear, disgust, anger. I'll have to keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn't backslide. Last thing I need is a junkie minion with divided loyalties, the idea was barely tolerable when I thought he'd gotten there first. I never did like sharing.

"Yeah, and that first hit is free business I mentioned? It's not always entirely... voluntary. So it's best to just stay clear of him." My piece complete, I nod in agreement with myself and move on. Oh, and speaking of disasters waiting to happen... "I need you to call Willow." I pull the Rosenberg's phone number out of my pocket.

...

"What? Why can't you call her?"

Well lets see, my cell phone currently cant get signal while in my hand, and refuses to detect my voice when I do manage to complete a call. But no, of course I can call Willow myself, "Uh, Vampire? Severely allergic to trees here."

One of Amy's I'm a teenage girl and I'm exasperated by you old people sighs later and she glares at me, "Seriously?" Excellent, we've successfully moved on from Rack.

"Okay, fine I'm actually allergic to self righteousness too. If I try to talk to her it'll all end it tears. There'd be indignant shouting of 'you're a vampire' and then with the grrr-ing and the arrg-ing... and then there's the death... and oh gods I don't feel like dealing with it." So, be a good minion and make the problem go away.

Amy smirks at that, but then glares at me even harder, hands fisted on hips, "and just what do you need from Willow that you don't think I can do?"

For fucks sake... I guess that rivalry was pre-existing? "Okay. One, no, nothing like that. Nothing magical. B, I want her to hack into the city records and get us a map of Sunnydale, including the sewers, and if possible the various caves and tunnels. Triple I, I'm sure you could cast whatever technomancy is required to pull it off just fine Amy. But! If willow gets arrested, that's Mr. Giles' problem. On the other hand, if you get arrested, then I have to drive my ass up to Stockton and eat an entire prison complex worth of guards... and law enforcement types go straight to my hips! So really, I'd rather just, not have to do that. Okay?" Huh, I know father liked that joke... but can vampires actually get fat?

Amy is giving me that funny look she gets some times when she can't decide if she should be happy or upset with me. I've been getting that a lot tonight. "Okay, fine! I'll call Willow, jeez. What do I tell her I need this for anyway?"

How the fuck should I know, you're the one who grew up with her. I just watched her on TV. "You could tell her we're doing an amateur archaeology project?"

... We both pause for a moment and then in unison, "No, she'd want to join in."

"Oh! tell her you're looking to avoid running into any more vampires and demons so you want to make a map of where they're likely to show up?" That... isn't actually a terrible idea, we probably should make a map of places Amy shouldn't go alone. I'll probably have to find a way to phrase it that's less patronizing though if I want her to stick to it.

"... Same problem. What do we actually need the maps for anyway?"

"It's tradition!" I grin at her.

"...Tradition?" she doesn't look impressed. That's weird... oh right.

"Yeah, what kind of treasure hunt would it be without a map? I did mention the treasure right?" I'm very well aware I did no such animal.

"... treasure?" Amy's grin is suddenly no less enthused that my own, "tell me more." Finally, I've gotten her priorities straightened out.

"Okay, so treasure is valuable stuff that people left behind..."

"...Jack!"

-Bellevu Residence-

I'm not actually sure what Amy told Willow. I don't actually care either, beyond the fact that it worked.

It took Willow three days to get back to Amy with the files, and then another two for the local print shop, and oh gods those are still things back now?, to print out our huge map of the town.

I have said map taped up on Mrs Bellevu's dining room wall, she did pay for them after all, it only seemed fair that she get to see them.

Speaking of Mrs. Bellevu, is she bringing over, another, batch of cookies? I really need to watch what I say around Thralls now that I'm not accidentally turning them into sandblasted soup crackers. She's been baking for 7 hours now, and I haven't the foggiest how to get her to stop. I sigh, patting the little old lady on the head, before watching her head back to the kitchen. Yup, she's gotten out the mixing bowl again. I wonder what kind she'll make now? She's got to be running out of supplies. Shoving one of the... snicker-doodles? into my mouth I hand the plate full of cookies over to Amy who seems to be taking the whole Thralling her neighbor thing far better than expected. Maybe its all the free cookies I've been stuffing her with? She says magic makes her hungry, but I don't recall any magic being done recently. I'd tell her it's more likely the period she recently started, but I'm fairly certain I've already mentioned how little interest I have in experiencing fire first hand. I'm sure she already knows I can smell the blood.

Unfortunately, Willow's hacking skills can't do anything to obtain proper maps of the tunnels because they don't really exist. "Okay. So... ummm... Amy, is it just me or is the local geological survey completely fucking useless?" I throw my hands out to the sides indicating the whole map in front of me.

There's a whirring noise and Amy screams. "Jack! What the fuck!? Is that a sword?"

"Huh? Oh. Gods damn it. This thing is a pain in the ass to retract." I start the obnoxious process of forcing a three foot long blade of high grade titanium back into a nine inch long holster.

"GAH! Why do you even have that thing? You almost just stabbed me in the face! My face Jack, I would very much like it to remain unstabbed."

Okay, Amy may have a point there. "Sorry. Forgot I was wearing it." Click, click, and push... aha!

"How do you forget you're wearing a sword?"

"I put it on a week ago, and I've just sort of gotten used to the weight... Being supernaturally strong probably helped." Sword returned to its holster, I return to glaring at the map.

"...How... do you shower with that... urg... Jack when was the last time you showered?"

"Emilia's, she liked morning shower sex." I circle possible site number 12 before allowing myself to reminisce. I'm too annoyed to properly enjoy the memory though. Would it have fucking killed my Brother to mention, at any point, some manner of landmark near wherever he found the damn Gem? But no, I get to work off a montage of roads collapsing.

"Jack! That's gross. You haven't seen Emilia in almost a week. ... The fact that you remember her name is actually kinda weird." Huh, that is weird. Then again...

I turn to look at Amy, she's got one arm on her hip and the other is pointing at me accusingly with a half eaten cookie. "What? It's not like I sweat, or grow skin cells to then have flake off or any of that stuff anymore. What does it matter? I clearly don't smell or you'd have noticed before now."

"That is not the point! Upstairs! Shower! Now!"

"Fucks sake woman, hold on. Let me finish this section of the map first and then I'll meet you up there. Jesus, you're as bad as Emilia when you're..." I trail off as warning klaxons go off in my brain.

"Oh my god, No! I'm not- " She huffs, "Alone Jack, go upstairs and shower, alone." Right. Waking up on fire bad.

I roll my eyes at my hormonally addled witch, who has apparently forgotten which of us is in charge. Then I glare at the frustratingly incomplete map. If the rest of the city is like the half I already did there's going to be over two dozen possible sites to check, "Fuck it. Fine. I'm going. You deal with marking the map"

The smell of oatmeal raisin cookies is coming from the kitchen when I pass it on the way to the stairs. Women! They're all insane.

I'm standing in the shower glaring at the water a few minutes later when my tattoos suddenly start to glow and skip over warm in favor of searing heat. Then just as suddenly it's all over a little under a minute later. In that minute I've skipped from happily sated directly to 'fucking starving.'

What the hell was that? "AMY! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO!?"