Chapter 10 – Shield, Rock, Lifeline
Paul hadn't seen Dawn for a week.
He told himself he wasn't worried, but he put so much effort into convincing himself that it was hardly believable anymore.
She was clearly avoiding him and he had an idea why. With everything that was going on with her family he couldn't really say he blamed her, but her absence stuck out like a sore thumb in his gray routine.
He had, with no discomfort or difficulty whatsoever, lived the way he always had before he met her. And now, after only a week devoid of her ringing voice and vibrant eyes, he found himself missing something. Missing the little arguments that kept him on edge. Missing the liveliness that she brought to his monotonous life.
Missing her.
It was ridiculous. The strange feeling that the lack of contact left him with. The dull ache in his chest, like he hadn't properly digested his food, or drank water too fast. It was ridiculous and troublesome and impractical, and since when did Paul Shinji experience such bothersome feelings anyway?
He did his best to tire himself to the max before going to bed, but still somehow ended up unable to fall asleep, shifting around uncomfortably and lingering endlessly in that fine line between wakefulness and slumber, chased and haunted by intuitive eyes and hues of blue. The lack of sleep kept him in a fouler mood than usual and the fact that he felt so goddamn affected made his frustration promptly grow into anger.
Consequently, he was in a notorious mood for the following days and decided to dedicate himself to his studies and ignore the pang in his gut every time he saw blue flash before his vision in the halls. He tried to distract himself with writing, but no words seemed to come to him; every time he sat in front of his laptop there was this blind alley blocking his way, one which only inspiration could help him get past. At night, when he had given up on forcing himself to sleep, he was left to stare at the ceiling and wonder what the hell was wrong with him.
Paul refused to believe that Dawn's presence, or lack thereof, was to blame for his… condition, but there was simply no other plausible explanation, perhaps with the exception of Reggie's cakes, which seemed to get more and more sugar-infested by the day.
Dawn had decided to distance herself from him until she could resolve her family situation and he thought that was a good idea. It was smart and sensible, he couldn't contradict that. He agreed and understood, but then why was it so goddamn hard to just fall back to his old everyday life and feel the nothingness he was used to?
She was merely restoring some space to their friendship and reflecting on how that was affecting him, he saw how much that space had been needed. To get this disturbed simply wouldn't do, and if this overwhelming confusion was the price he had to pay for hanging around girl who looked like a water nymph, then maybe the distance between them wasn't such a bad thing.
He went on with his daily life, getting through school and home chores with barely concealed violence, continuously trying to convince himself that he was fine, that he was aloof, unaffected, unattached, and definitely not missing or being worried about anything or anyone…
He finally managed to fall sleep, after hours of wondering when the lies he told himself had become so easy to see through.
Paul woke up at two a.m. to a text from Dawn.
"I'm at the bench in Eterna park."
He knew it was an invitation and in an instant, he was angry with her. First, she hadn't spoken to him all week and now she was texting him at an obscene hour, demanding his attention and inducing him to meet her a fifteen-minute walk away in foggy weather.
Angrily, he yanked on his sneakers and tugged a hoodie over his head, taking a spare one with him just in case Dawn had gone out without regarding the chilliness outside as a reason for warm clothing (which was an alarming possibility, he scoffed as he mused how little consideration she had for her own health).
As he stalked out of his room, down a flight of stairs and out into the coldness of the night, he briefly noticed how it was never a thought in his mind to ignore her, to turn down her offer, and realizing she had that much control over him without even intending to made him that much angrier.
Not to mention, it was dangerous for her to be out alone in such an hour, and knowing that she would put her own safety in peril without as much as a second thought was what angered him the most. She certainly had enough sense to be aware of the dangers of the night, so the alternative was that she simply did not care.
His insides abruptly clenched and he quickened his pace, just enough for his stride to be barely called walking. How could she be so careless?
He added that to the pile of things to lecture her about as he entered Eterna Park, vaguely wondering how the hell she expected him to find one bench in an area so big. He knew, of course, precisely which one she was at, since it was her favorite meeting spot, but that didn't keep him from using it as a splinter for his irrational ire towards her.
He made the rest of the trek at a pace he told himself wasn't too hurried, because who was she to expect him to fly over on demand, and in the middle of the night at that? He was contradicting himself already and that was what she unconsciously made him fucking do, because she was a goddamn contradiction herself, and what was she doing to him?
By the time he neared his destination the fog had considerably cleared out and when he saw blue from afar, Paul knew he'd found her. He started off towards her, fully intending to yell at her for being stupid and annoying and fake and always on his mind, when she looked up and the sorrow in her eyes made him stop in his tracks.
She was crying. Her pretty cobalt eyes were tinged red, tears streaming down her cheeks in rivers. Her hair was curly and disheveled, and she looked tiny on the cold stone bench she was sitting on.
He noticed that she had indeed neglected to put on something appropriately warm and, walking the rest of the distance towards the bench, he gently draped the spare hoodie he had brought around her shoulders.
She looked up at him and said nothing. She didn't need to.
Paul looked into her eyes, illuminated by the moonlight and sparkling from her tears, and felt his anger abruptly evaporate. He exhaled sharply and sat down next to her, lifting his arm and wrapping it around her lithe frame almost lazily. She leaned in against him, tucking into his side and suddenly overwhelming him with warmth that replaced the seething rage scalding his blood and cooled into something else entirely that he didn't recognize, but that he was instantaneously afraid of.
He chose not to run away, though, and just see where it took him. He could now say that he no longer recognized himself, but perhaps the change wasn't as unwelcome as he wished it to be.
Dawn had done what she had promised herself to never do. She had vowed not to show any weakness, to anyone ever again, yet there she was, in the middle of the night, bawling her eyes out in the strangely comforting embrace of Paul Shinji, of all people.
The overwhelming need to be in someone else's presence had gotten the better of her and straight out smashed her vow to pieces, making her finally crack and indulge in her selfishness despite her better judgement. Although she hadn't expected him to actually show up and support her with his silent understanding, instead of scoffing at her contemptuously and telling her how pathetic she was.
She knew she was pathetic indeed, but it couldn't be helped. She was bound to break sometime and it seemed like the recent happenings in her family had been more than enough to push her over the edge.
Sobbing quietly in Paul's arms, Dawn purged the sorrow out of her system, finally allowing herself to let her emotions roam free, raw and unrestrained on the surface. Sorrow for the sisters that were no more, for the unsaid goodbyes between mother and daughter, which had trapped her cousin in the torment of her mind, sorrow for her own inability to help her shoulder the weight of all the unfortunate circumstances. Dawn cried for all those reasons and a hundred more, and it felt damn good let go of herself for once and let out years of pent up frustration.
The lazy strokes of Paul's thumb against her arm and his heartbeat, so strong and even next to her ear, anchored her back to reality and helped her calm down in a way that her self-produced mantras of empty reassurance never could. As her sobs gradually came to a halt, she contemplated how glad she was that he hadn't ignored her selfish request. It was comforting, really, the thought of him being able to hold her together when she couldn't do so herself, just by being there.
He didn't even have to say anything, his silence spoke volumes more than any words would. His sheer presence, his unspoken understanding, was enough to bring her back to her senses, and she felt gratitude of such intensity that she doubted she'd ever be able to make it up to him.
He didn't tell her how much of an annoyance she was or the hundred ways, in which she was inconveniencing him. He just sat there and let her wet the front of his hoodie with her tears until she didn't have any left to spill, clutching its front as if her life depended on it, without scorning her about waking him up in the middle of the night and allowing him to witness the shitshow that she really was.
He was simply there and it was so impossibly good that she wanted to break down in sobs again, knowing how unworthy she was of having someone as wonderful as him in her life.
The sky had cleared of all previous clouds and fogginess and Dawn stared up at the twinkling stars in wonder. What made him continue to silently soothe her after having witnessed her massive display of weakness, weakness that he, of all people, was supposed to despise?
What did he see when he looked at her that made her worth the two a.m. trip to this ungodly cold bench?
As the sky went through a palette of colors and slowly bled into a quiet morning, Dawn felt something change, as if in their silence they had crossed the forbidden threshold of all the things they didn't dare say aloud. She felt a transition into something deeper, not as shallow as their friendship had been mere hours before. She wondered if Paul could feel the shift as well, but didn't dare to move and sneak a peek at him, afraid that she might disturb the quiet serenity that had settled over them.
Instead she watched the sky as it went from dark to deep azure and eventually bloomed with the soft pink velvet of the dawn, creating a peaceful atmosphere around them that she was almost reluctant to disrupt.
"I'm sorry," she murmured eventually, interrupting the silence for the first time that night and effectively breaking the serene spell around them. "I'm… really, really selfish, aren't I?"
Paul didn't respond, apparently aware that the question wasn't meant for him. Instead he stood up, taking his warmth with him and leaving her to suppress a violent shiver at the sudden chill that went down her spine. Had it been that cold the whole night? She certainly hadn't felt it till now.
"Come on," Paul murmured softly. "You need to sleep." He offered her his hand, not bothering to shake the pins and needles from his arm, even though Dawn knew it had to be numb after so many hours of her latched onto it. She felt something stir inside of her at the simple gesture and accepted it with a warm smile, letting him pull her to her feet effortlessly.
She didn't feel up for an argument and opposing him would be rather pointless, really, since some rest would really do her good. He walked her back to her house, having since released her hand and shoved his own into his pockets, leaving her to snuggle in the warmth of her (Paul's) hoodie.
They reached her house faster than she expected and she turned towards him with tired, but peaceful eyes. "Good night, Paul. Or good morning, I guess. Whatever."
He stood still, like a statue, a stiff nod the only form of confirmation that he'd heard her as he stared at her, seeming lost in his own thoughts. Dawn shifted uncomfortably under his intense gaze but in a rush of boldness, undoubtedly caused by her continuous sleep deprivation, she decided to push the limits even farther than they already had that night, if only to see when the rubber band would finally snap.
She wound her arms around his neck and pressed the contours of her body against his in a tight embrace that was meant to convey the immense gratitude that she felt towards him.
"Thank you," she breathed in his chest, when she felt that it wasn't enough, and even though he didn't say anything, she didn't feel disheartened in the least. On the contrary, she felt lighter than she had in ages and a sudden glimmer of hope surged through her like an electric shock, making her want to do everything in her power to do him right for all that he had done for her.
Without really trying to, Paul had become her only friend, true, but the most precious she could have asked for too, and she wanted, with all her heart, to be the kind of friend to him that he was to her.
Dawn pulled back and smiled at him, wondering if he could see the resolve reflected through her eyes. She stepped away and waved, feeling an indefinable surge of warmth in her chest as she saw that he was waiting for her to go inside her house before leaving.
Her eyes brightened as she stole one last glance towards his stoic figure in her driveway, before going inside and shutting the door quietly with a secretive smile on her lips.
She made a vow then. And it was one that she intended to keep.
She was going to be for him what he was for her, even if he didn't seem to need her the way she needed him. She had made up her mind though. And nothing could shake her resolve.
His shield. His rock. His lifeline.
His friend.
That's what she would be for him.
She hoped he would let her. She knew he couldn't stop her.
This is so much shorter than the usual, but it felt finished and I didn't want to risk ruining it just for the sake of length, so I hope you'll forgive me. Plus, updates have been rather regular this past month, so that's fair, in a way. Heh. Anyway, this would've been posted earlier, but as some of you may have noticed the site's been down for a while. Between refreshing the page to see if the 503 error would go away, I at least got a headstart with some ideas for the story and managed to briefly plan it out till the end. And boy, we ain't even close. As much as I want to be able to keep up the regular updates, school is starting in two weeks and I am so NOT ready for all that stress once again. Didn't summer break just begin?! I'm not quite sure what happened there. Anyway, I'll try to keep this up for as long as possible, the inspiration for this story just keeps coming and coming! Your kind reviews also haven't gone unnoticed, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me!
Well, anyhow. Thanks for reading!