St Edward and The Dragon

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor ever will, Fullmetal Alchemist or the characters within.

Chapter 9:

Trauma: n. an event or situation that causes great distress and disruption.

…They who have beaten down
The stale despair of night, must now renew
Their desolation in the truce of dawn,
Murdering the livid hours that grope for peace.

Siegfried Sassoon 1918

..00..

Edward was tired. Just so damned tired, he thought as he leant his forehead against the window and watched the sun begin to rise. How long had it been he wondered, since he had really slept. A week, two? Everything had been so hectic and they'd worked through the night several times during that last week. Even when he had managed to get some sleep, it had not been peaceful sleep. Vague shadows had made him restless and uneasy.

He closed his eyes. He hadn't realised how much your eyes could ache until you'd spent two nights staring at memories and demons you never wanted to see again. And no matter how he tried he could not stop them from controlling him. For so many years he had worked to gain a strict control over everything he let other people see. Now he couldn't find it. It had gone and when the memories hit, he was unable to stop from reacting to them.

He opened his eyes. So tired. But the images started coming if he kept his eyes closed for too long. He ached from being so tense, he ached from being so tired and he ached from still being alive. He scowled at his reflection and berated himself. Not going there, not yet, not until he could leave and leave nothing to regret behind him. Al. As soon as Al was settled. It was the only promise he would keep now.

His self-appointed babysitter was not going to win this one. Damned Mustang. Edward listened for a moment and heard the man's even breathing. He had stayed with Edward through the night again but unlike the first night, they hadn't spoken. And the bastard had slept for half the night. He sighed and turned around, leaning back against the window and staring at man lying peacefully on the couch.

There was a part of him somewhere crying out for sleep, but it was faint and the hurt and memories kept him from hearing it clearly. And he didn't want to hear it either. He didn't want sleep. He had gone somewhere beyond sleep, too far into exhaustion to be able to sleep. What he wanted was oblivion. And sleep would not give him that.

Where was the oblivion, even for just a moment?

"Brother?" Al's hesitant voice had him looking to the door. He smiled at the tousled hair and sleep-hazed face. "You should have woken me up too." Al said and Edward let his breath out. He wasn't about to tell Al he hadn't slept at all.

"Yeah, maybe next time, Al." He said lightly and pushed himself away from the window. "Breakfast?"

"Sure." Al smiled and moved toward the kitchen. Edward followed, leaning over the back of the couch to jab a metal finger into Mustang's ribs as he went past. He smirked slightly at the muffled protest.

"That's for pretending to sleep, bastard." Ed said as he left the room.

Mustang stretched and rubbed his ribs. Edward had not been exactly gentle. He sighed. It had been a long night, despite the sleep he had managed to get. Edward had stayed curled up in the corner of the couch for the whole night. Several times he had heard Edward's breathing change and become harsh as the memories had returned. Once he had nearly moved when he had heard a muffled choking noise but it had stopped before he could open his eye.

He sat up and yawned. He wondered for how much longer Edward was going to be able to go without sleeping. He hadn't really slept since his memories had returned two days ago and the brief period he had slept on the way home from the old city had been closer to unconsciousness than sleep. Whatever was in those memories, was keeping him from getting any sleep. Mustang had figured out some of it, but there was more, he knew that. Edward had too much pain there.

He sniffed. He could smell breakfast and coffee. Mustang groaned softly. He had to go to the office today. Hawkeye had been most adamant about his returning to work. Al would go to the library and Ed would go with him. Mustang frowned. He didn't know if sitting reading in the library all day would be suitable for Edward in his present state of mind. But if Edward didn't go to the library then neither would Al. Mustang couldn't see Al wanting to be separated from his brother yet.

There was a loud crash.

"Roy!" Al shouted and Mustang shot up from the couch and ran to the kitchen.

Edward was caught in a memory. His breathing was hard and fast and his eyes were flickering at something only he could see. He had dropped the pan and it had hit the bench, splattering Edward before tipping further and falling to the floor. Mustang could smell the hot oil and bacon.

"Fullmetal." He said firmly, waiting for recognition to kick in. Blank eyes turned to him. The shadows were deeper beneath those strange black eyes and there was a deepening pallor to his skin. His face was twisting as he began to visibly shake.

"Fullmetal!" Mustang repeated with more urgency and moved closer, skirting the table. The black eyes flickered and Edward's mouth moved but nothing came out. The shaking became more noticeable.

"It was a stupid thing to say." Roy said, after everyone had left.

"It was the truth." Ed replied staring hard at the darkhaired man.

"You could have not said anything."

"He asked for it by inviting people to ask questions." Ed said logically.

"But you're supposed to be tactful and polite, Ed."

"I was. If he hadn't been such an arrogant asshole, nothing would have happened."

"You offended him, Ed. And did you forget that you're supposed to not draw attention to yourself?"

"Herr Hitler is an idiot and I don't care if he is your newest member, if he can't take a bit criticism then he's not going to last very long. I give him six months, unless he gets his act together." Ed stood up and sighed. "People will remember a shouting match Roy, and he'll probably never ask for questions again. You know I hate you having these people here. If you want me to stay hidden, then go somewhere else and I can grow my hair again. Alfons has a new idea and I'd rather work on that anyway."

"Edward, doesn't the future matter to you?"

"I have my future, Roy. With you. And working with Alfons. What more do I need?" Ed frowned at the question. In another world, in another life his future had been a single goal and he had achieved that. He hoped. If being limited to this existence, to this future, was the price for achieving that goal, then he would pay it.

He smiled at the one-eyed man. Besides it wasn't a bad future. Not a bad one at all.

"Besides, he was even shorter than me," Ed smirked as he hauled Roy to his feet.

"Mustang?" Edward queried as his eyes blinked rapidly.

"Fullmetal." Mustang repeated in a calmer voice as he walked closer. "Al, get some paper and a cloth." He said without looking at the teen. "Maybe a clean shirt too." He added as he saw the oil stains on Edward's clothes.

Edward struggled to control his breathing. Damn, why couldn't he control this? The pain went through him so fast and so deep, it was tearing him apart almost before he knew it was there. Even when he was aware that he was approaching a thought that could lead into a memory, he couldn't get a grip on anything resembling control. He shook his head from side to side. How was he supposed to live like this?

"Hold still, Fullmetal." Mustang's voice. The one thing he wanted to be free of was becoming the one thing that could call him back. He closed his eyes as he drew in a deep breath. Another breath. He opened his eyes as his hand was grabbed. He tensed and his breath caught.

"What…?" He began to say as he saw Mustang turning it over.

"I think you missed getting burnt." Edward blinked at Mustang's words.

"What are you talking about?" His throat felt rough and he had to control his initial reaction of stepping away from the man. Too close, Mustang, too close he thought.

"The oil, Edward. It's splattered all over you. Hold still while Al gets the cloth."

"I'm not burnt." Edward's eyes flickered and he went to pull his arm back.

"Fullmetal." Mustang said and he looked up to see the tense look in Edward's eyes.

"Let go, Mustang." Edward said quietly, forcing himself to stay calm even as he could feel the edges of his mind fraying. Too close, too close, too close, too close.

Mustang could see the tension spreading across Edward's face so he loosened his grip and Edward immediately took a step back, relief flashing across his face. Edward took a deep calming breath and then looked at his arm. Oil matted the fine hairs on his arm but there was no stinging or red marks that he could feel or see.

"It looks fine to me." He said as Al returned. He took the cloth Al offered and turned slightly to reach for the taps and ran it under the hot water. Al began to use the paper to soak up the oil on the floor. Mustang picked up the dropped pan and bacon and kept a reasonable distance from Edward.

"You can change your shirt, Brother." Al said as he stood up with the oily paper. "We're never going to get those stains out of it."

"I'll do it after." Edward said as he washed the oil from his hands and arms. It streaked across the automail and Ed gave up. He'd get the rest later when he had his shower. He dried his hands and turned to get a shirt thrown at him.

"Change." Al said and held his hand out for the stained shirt.

"I said I'll do it after, Al." Edward replied, tossing the shirt onto his shoulder and looking at the remains of breakfast. He wasn't going to be taking his shirt off. Even though he knew Al had seen the scars, he didn't want to have them opened for questions. And Al knew how much he hated letting anyone see his automail.

"Just change, Brother." Al said again and Edward turned to stare at him. Al didn't remember. It wasn't just that he had lost his connection to his younger brother. Al didn't have it either. Al didn't remember. Those four years didn't exist for him. Edward felt like an idiot. He had worried about Al asking about his scars because Al couldn't remember how they had been inflicted. But then he expected Al to remember how he felt about his automail. Al didn't remember and he wanted to. Ed frowned. He could talk and tell Al everything, but words alone would never bring back what they had.

The brother he had given up everything for, the brother he had sacrificed himself for, didn't exist any more.

Edward hadn't realised just how much of his bond with Al had been formed during those four years. As kids they had been close, but from the moment that transmutation had gone wrong, they had been connected in ways that went beyond being brothers. He had known exactly what Al had been thinking, he had been able to understand so much from so little, in words or gestures. The armour had been as clear and as readable as flesh would have been to him. And Al had known the same about him. There had been a couple of misunderstandings and they had arisen because he had been too protective, too worried about Al.

"What's wrong Brother?" Al asked as Edward kept staring at him. Brother. It didn't have the weight it used to. It didn't resonate in him anymore.

"The eggs are salvageable. You can eat them. I'm going to shower and get the rest of this oil off." Edward said in a distracted voice and walked almost blindly from the kitchen.

Al looked at Roy, a puzzled expression on his face. Roy was looking just as confused as he was. Edward had never shut down on his brother like that before.

"What happened, Roy?"

"I don't know, Al." There was a concern beneath his puzzlement that he wasn't letting Al see. There had been something in those black eyes that worried him. A distance. Mustang had never seen Edward look at his brother so dispassionately before.

Edward stared in the mirror. Black eyes stared back at him. I love my brother he told his reflection. Al had been his reason for living, for surviving. He had willingly given up everything for him. He had resigned himself to never seeing him again. He had known yesterday that he could no longer feel the bond, but he hadn't realised that it had gone for both of them.

For two years he had held the hope that Al had been restored, whole and complete. He had accepted that he would never know if it was true or not. It was the price he had paid. And now he knew the truth. What he had paid had not been the full price. Al's memories had made up the balance. And with those memories, their bond. His life hadn't been enough. He hadn't been enough. Once again he had failed.

"I never pegged you as being so stupid, Ed," the voice sneered at him. "But you really are willing to give everything for what you believe in. No matter how many times you fail."

"Better that than being like you, you bastard! What do you really believe in?" Ed spat back and moved to one side. The gun followed him and mocking laughter hit his ears.

"In winning, Ed my love." The single shot rang out and Ed staggered back as he felt it hit his shoulder, burning. He gritted his teeth. He had felt worse, he had lived through worse. He wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he had hurt him.

"You think you're going to win? Ha!" Ed felt the blood running down his chest and took a step forward. "You haven't got the guts to do what it takes to win, you cowardly asshole." He spoke deliberately and took another step.

"But I will win, Ed. Because this is where you will die and you can't win when you're dead." Roy smiled at him and Ed straightened as he took another step and another.

Blood spread through his shirt and began to drip from his fingers as it ran down his arm. He looked into that single dark eye and the pain of betrayal became hate, burning acidic hate and he moved closer, using it to give him the strength and will.

"How true Roy, my love." He said softly as his right arm swung, the hard prosthetic coming down across Roy's hand, the gun falling between them and Ed's left hand reaching for Roy's throat. "You can't win if you're dead."

The bathroom mirror shattered around his left hand and he stared into the remnants that hung in the frame. Black eyes in a white face stared back at him. There was a pounding in his ears and his breathing rattled at the back of his throat. He swallowed hard and his head almost rolled on his shoulders.

The pounding became banging at the door.

"Brother? Brother!"

"…'s okay, Al." He croaked after trying twice. He looked at his hand. His fingers were wrapped around a long shard and blood was dripping into the basin. He closed his eyes and fought the urge to close his fist tighter. Blood. He shivered and his fingers opened, the shard falling to break against the porcelain.

"Edward?" There was a stressed edge to his brother's voice and the door handle rattled.

"I'm fine, Al." He called, trying to make his voice louder, stronger.

"We heard something crash, Brother." Al persisted.

"I just dropped something, that's all." Ed took a deep breath. It wouldn't do to get irritated with Al. It wasn't fair on him. "Go and finish breakfast. I'll be out shortly."

"Okay." There was reluctance in Al's acceptance and Ed sighed as he heard muttered voices. Great, just fucking great. There was a pause and then Mustang spoke.

"First aid kit is on the middle shelf. We'll save you some eggs." The words were completely neutral and Edward grimaced at his incomplete reflection and saw the kit sitting there. The bastard hadn't said anything but he probably wanted the damage fixed as well and Edward did not want to leave evidence for Al to find. It was going to be hard enough to explain the cuts on his hand as it was.

Edward looked at the glass in the basin and the array appeared in his mind. It had been a long time since he had been able to do this and know that it would work. Seeing that little figurine he had created had confirmed that he really was back and now as he clapped his hands to activate the array in his head he knew it again.

The blue sparks flared and reflected in a dazzling display across the glass fragments. He didn't see the golden colour reappear briefly in his eyes.

Al stared at his almost empty plate waiting for Edward. For his brother. Who wasn't acting like he thought his brother would or should act. Everyone had told him how close they had been. How Edward had done everything he could to keep his promise. How they had both shared everything with each other. But it wasn't anything like that at all. The man upstairs was nothing like the boy he remembered. Even after Mother had died, he didn't remember Edward being this withdrawn.

Watching his brother shake through a memory frightened him. And it was made worse because Ed never spoke of whatever it was he remembered. Just how bad were those memories? Were there similar things in his own past? He frowned at the plate. This was not how it was supposed to be.

His brother was supposed to return and tell him everything he had forgotten. His brother was supposed to return and he could have a family again. His brother was supposed to be his brother.

But his brother had returned and slept for nearly four months and then spent another two being less than alert. And now he was returned again. And after barely two days it didn't feel like he had his brother back anymore. The euphoria had gone and he resented it.

Edward entered the kitchen, his hair in a damp tail, his shirt not quite buttoned completely and his gloves on. Al saw Roy frown and then turn back to the coffee without saying anything. There was always tension between those two, he thought. But Brother reacts more to him than he does me, Al considered. And he didn't think all those tensions came from the missing four years. It had something to do with where Ed had been. With those memories that came.

"You're not wearing your chain." Al said suddenly as he watched Ed sit at the table. Edward looked at him startled for a moment, his left hand reaching automatically for the chain at his neck before he dropped it and picked up his fork.

"No, I don't need it." He said dismissively. He held in his breath for a moment. The Al he remembered would have noticed that yesterday, the minute he had stopped wearing it. Too many memories just waiting to happen on that chain and he had removed it. The Al he remembered had always noticed things like that. This Al hadn't even commented on the missing ring or the gloves. He let his breath out slowly. 'This Al', 'the Al he remembered'. He looked across at the grey eyes. Why couldn't he say 'brother'?

"It was strange seeing you wear it, Brother. And that array…"

"What array?" Edward asked sharply.

"On the signet ring." Al looked puzzled. "Roy's array was on the ring."

Edward stood up abruptly and left the room. There had been no array on that ring. He went straight to their room and opened the drawer where he had put it away. He hesitated before he reached in and pulled out the chain.

He let it fall on the dresser and he took a deep breath before he picked up the heavy signet ring and looked at it. The raised image of a proud horse had gone and in its place was the array. The array Mustang had on his gloves. He stared at it in disbelief.

"It's been in the family for generations," Roy said as he tossed it in his palm. "It goes through the eldest son of each generation." He laughed slightly. "I guess it ends with me."

Ed frowned and looked up from his calculations. "Do you regret that?"

"Not really. I never envisioned myself getting married and having kids anyway. And if I hadn't survived the War, it would have ended there anyway."

"Don't you have any other family? Brothers it could go to?" Ed asked curiously. They had never really spoken of family before. Neither of them had felt the need to share their other ties of before.

"No." He tossed the ring again. "I am the last of my line." He looked at Ed. "Here, catch." And he tossed the ring in a slow arc and Ed caught it. "You have it."

"I can't accept this, Roy. It belongs to you."

"And I am the last one left, Ed. It is mine to keep or to give. And I give it to you."

Ed looked at the ring. A silver horse was set in the black onyx. A foreleg raised as if it had been caught in a proud prance. He looked up at Roy. Roy had been acting strange lately. Long nights were taking their toll on both of them he realised. He fisted his hand around it and then stood up and walked around the table to him.

"You already gave me a ring. I don't need another. I have you." He opened his hand and let the ring drop into Roy's lap.

"Ed." Roy sighed, fishing the ring from his lap and stood up, gripping Ed's wrist and placing the ring back into his hand. "Keep it safe for me." And before Ed could query him, Roy leant forward and kissed the blond hard, pulling him away from the table and up the stairs.

"Fullmetal?"

He shivered and his eyes flickered. The ring was still in his hand. His left hand had fisted so tight around it he could feel it digging into the cuts on his palm. He forced his hand open and let it drop to the floor. He swallowed hard and tried to control his breathing.

Al stepped closer and picked up the ring, still attached to the chain. It rattled slightly as the other ring slithered around the dangling loops. He looked at Edward and saw the sweat on his forehead as he took another deep breath.

"Whose ring was it?" Al asked before he could think twice. He was tired of having to hold his questions in. And he had held this one back for a month now.

"Al." Roy's voice came from behind him, a faint warning in it that he chose to ignore.

He looked at his brother. Those strange black eyes stared at him as Edward licked dry lips and slowly stood up straighter. The gloved hands were shaking slightly and Al frowned. "Why are you wearing gloves?"

The black eyes flickered and Al saw the sigh Edward let escape and his eyes narrowed.

"Why won't you answer my questions, Brother?" He asked as Ed kept looking at him, a frown creasing the pale forehead.

"Alphonse." Roy said and the warning was clearer now. Al turned slightly to look at Mustang.

"No, Roy. I want to know. I want some answers. It's been weeks and I want to know. I want to know who the other ring belongs to and the wedding…"

"You want to know." Edward said before Al could continue. He closed his eyes and let his breath out. He opened his eyes when he felt he had some self-control and found Al looking at him expectantly.

"You want to know about them," and he pointed at the chain in Al's hand. "As long as you know, you'll be happy, Al?"

Al nodded and frowned slightly. There was a strange edge to his brother's voice.

"Edward." Mustang said as he too heard that edge.

"No, Mustang. He wants to know. He's my brother and he has questions. And it'll make him happy. I did everything I could to make my little brother happy." Edward reached out and plucked the chain from Al's hand.

He closed his hands on the rings and pulled the chain, wrapping it around his hands and twisted. It snapped and he opened one hand to expose the simple gold ring with the broken chain running through it.

"This ring was going to belong to my best friend's fiancé, Al. He was going to give it to her next week. And she loved him too, I know she would have accepted his proposal and ring. But I have it because he gave it to me to keep it safe. To give to her if anything happened." Edward's voice was even as he kept a tight control over himself. Memories crowded and wanted to give their colours to the words, but he couldn't let them, not yet, not here.

"And now they won't have it. Oh Brother I'm sorry." And Al was sincere. He hadn't really considered the people his brother would have left behind.

"They don't need it any more Al. They're both dead." Edward said flatly and Al's face paled. "Two days ago, just before I returned." Edward put the ring and half the chain in Al's hand. "Alfons looked a lot like what you… what you will look like when you grow up. Maybe you can use it." There was little emotion in Edward's face or voice but the black eyes were burning.

"And this…" he opened his other hand to reveal the signet ring and the other half of the chain. "This had a different emblem on it. There was no array on it. I was asked to keep it safe. To look after it." Edward swayed slightly but his black eyes stayed fixed on Al's and he kept speaking. "The same man who gave me this ring, also gave me my wedding ring."

Al frowned and then his eyes went wide and he gaped at his brother. Al's face lost its pallor as his face flushed. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out, his mind reeling back. Edward surely didn't mean that…that…

"Yes Al, I do mean that. We were lovers, we were in love. And he is…was the only thing that made life bearable over there. Until he betrayed me and I killed him." Edward stared at his brother and saw how white he had gone. "You wanted answers. I hope you're happy now, brother."

Edward walked forward and as he went past Mustang, he pushed the ring and chain at him. "You keep it. From one bastard to another." He said as he left the room without looking back.

Al looked at where his brother had disappeared and shook. "Sit down, Al." Roy's voice came loud in his ears and Roy guided him to the bed and sat him down. Al was staring at the ring in his hands.

He had wanted answers and he had them. And he wished he hadn't, because now he didn't know what to do. He hadn't realised that questions that seemed simple, rarely were. And one question always led to more questions. Even as he tried to understand those simple answers, he could feel more questions slipping into his mind. Selfish ones, curious ones and some that came from his confusion.

What had happened to his brother? What had he been involved in? His friends had died. How had they died? Two days ago? That's when Ed's memories had returned. He stiffened. Edward had attacked Roy. Edward had shouted at Roy. Edward had said he had killed him. Al's eyes went wide. Roy looked exactly like … like the man Edward had… had been involved with. Like he resembled that Alfons person.

"Roy…?" Al began hesitantly and looked up to see a thoughtful look in that dark eye. Al blinked and changed what he was going to say. "You knew. You don't look shocked at all. You knew!" Al moved away from him. "He told you and he didn't tell me!" Al's hands fisted.

"Al, he didn't tell me anything." Roy said carefully.

"Liar! You knew!" Al accused him again.

"I guessed, Al." Roy remained calm. "I didn't know for sure." He hefted the ring in his hand. "And there's still a lot he isn't saying."

"I don't care! You knew and you didn't tell me!" Al stood up, his thoughts struggling for coherency. His brother had been in love with another man. He had killed him. He said he had been betrayed. His friends had been killed. Had Edward done that as well? Alfons. At least now he knew where that name had come from. Someone had looked like him… and Roy. He felt himself go cold. "You were sleeping with my brother." And he stepped back.

Roy frowned at him, slightly confused. "No, Al. Someone who looked like me…"

"No!" Al said sharply. "All last week. I can't…how could…?"

"Alphonse. Your brother and I shared a bed and slept in it. Nothing happened." Roy kept his voice as calm as he could. "The…other Roy betrayed him, Al. That sort of thing is not something you ever forget."

"I wouldn't have thought you'd forget killing someone either! And yet brother did!" Al dragged his hands down his face. "I don't understand any of this."

"Don't try, Al. Understanding can come later. I know it's hard. To us, he's been here for months. But to Edward, it's still only been two days." Roy watched as Al's eyes seemed to look all over the room as if seeking something to latch on to.

"Is he even my brother?" Al asked suddenly and his eyes fixed on Roy's face. "My brother wouldn't have killed anyone, he wouldn't have lied to me like that, he wouldn't have … not with another man."

Roy stood up. "He's your brother, Alphonse. Nothing Edward said was a lie. Edward never lied to you in his life, I hardly think he would start now. You asked him the questions and he answered them. Did you see how much it hurt him? How much it hurt him knowing that the answers would hurt you?" Roy took a deep breath. "This is not easy for you Al, and it's not easy for him either. Don't make it harder for yourself by doubting everything."

Roy stared at Al until the grey eyes dropped and he stepped forward and let his hand rest on Al's shoulder briefly before leaving the room.

Al heard the footsteps disappear down the hall and he looked at the ring in his hand. He frowned. It was easy for Roy to say all those things he thought. He wasn't the one looking at a complete upheaval of everything he had expected or believed.

Roy walked down the stairs looking for Edward. He was seriously considering separating the two brothers today and making Edward come to the office with him while Al was at the library. Except he knew that would make Al even more unhappy that he already was, and Edward was so unpredictable there was no telling how he'd react to that, especially with him.

He looked at the ring in his hand briefly before putting it in his pocket. He wasn't sure what to do with it. It had belonged to the other Roy, to the one who had betrayed Ed, but it had been changed. Now it held his array and was no longer the symbol of that other Roy. Holding onto it didn't seem right, but throwing it away felt equally wrong.

He sighed. Everything needed second thoughts now. In all his years of knowing the Elrics he had never had this much trouble with them. And for the first time, he could honestly say that half the trouble was with Al. In the past all the trouble had been caused by Edward, but this time they seemed to have shared it between them.

It was difficult to know what to do with Al. Hawkeye had always understood Al better than he had. Maybe he should ask her. Two years away had changed Edward, and Al's memory loss was exacerbating whatever Ed was trying to come to terms with. Maybe a separation was the answer. A last resort. To deliberately separate the Elrics was almost unthinkable.

He let his breath out as he saw Edward standing at the lounge window. His forehead was pressed against his right forearm, braced against the window as he stared blindly out. Mustang walked further into the room.

"Havoc will be here soon and you're not ready." Edward said in a distant voice before he got close.

"Neither are you." Mustang remarked.

"I'm not going." Edward replied in that same distant voice.

"Why not?"

There was a long silence. "Because Al doesn't need me there." He finally said and to Mustang it lacked conviction. As if Edward was using it to cover up what he really felt. He frowned slightly.

"You can't stay here on your own, Edward." He said bluntly.

"In case I hurt myself?" Edward said, his distant voice almost amused.

"Which you could do if you get caught in another memory." Mustang said, his eye flickering the slightly bulkier left glove. "And don't try to tell me you can control it, because we both know you can't."

Edward turned his head and looked at Mustang. Since he had left the bedroom and come down here, he had managed to claw his way into a small hole within the memories of his mind. He was clinging hard to that image and it was all that was keeping him upright at the moment. Answering Al's questions had stirred up the shadows within him and they were clamouring for release. He couldn't let them out. Not these ones.

Mustang took a step back from the look on Edward's face. Somehow he was holding onto his sanity by a very thin thread. "The office it will have to be then."

"Fine." Edward said and straightened himself up. He moved slowly as if in great pain.

"Why not with me?" Al's voice came from the doorway and Edward turned fully to face his brother. Al stared at the white face and the heavily shadowed eyes. "What's wrong with coming to the library with me? Why do you have to go with him?"

"Because I'm not allowed to stay here on my own and you can't cope with this right now." Edward replied distantly, almost apologetically. He couldn't spare much of his concentration to be tactful or to worry about the consequences just yet. He knew it would be yet another price he would be paying.

"And you don't want to be anywhere near me, do you Brother? In case I ask another question, in case you have to actually talk to me." Al looked at him and tried to make his voice sneer. He was feeling resentful and confused and all he wanted was his brother to hug him and tell him everything was okay and it wasn't happening.

"You didn't like the answers I gave you just then, Al." Ed said and he took a deep breath as his fragile stability wavered. The last person he wanted to face like this was Al. Not now. He didn't want Al to be the one pushing him, because Al was the one person he had always responded to.

"Because they weren't true! My brother would never kill anyone, he wouldn't keep secrets from me! He wouldn't have fucked with men!" Al almost spat the words out as he vented. Since his return to Central, he had been fairly well shielded by Mustang's crew so he hadn't been overwhelmed with too much attention over his changed circumstances. Their unwillingness to tell him much of those missing years had led him to bestow an almost god-like status onto the image he was building of his brother. When his brother returned everything would be as it should be, everything would be just as he wanted it to be.

The reality in front of him was nothing less than a complete denial of all he had hoped for. And he hated all that this brother was telling him.

The image Edward had been holding on to shattered. The fragments of the memory of him and his brother sitting on the river bank as the sun set disappeared beneath a wave of darkness.

"Everything I said was true." Edward said as his face went sickly white. "I'm surprised you haven't asked if I really am your brother, because my brother always trusted me. I don't give you answers you like and you resent me for it?" Edward stepped closer to Al, his eyes beginning to burn. "Killed people? Yes, I have Al. And you were there the first time it happened. You don't remember seeing the sword go straight through that twisted alchemist but I do. And we hadn't even gotten to Central. You don't remember Greed who kidnapped you. You weren't there when I killed him, but you were there when I killed our mother." Edward stood right in front of Al. Al was frozen, his eyes and mouth wide. Edward was not letting up and the words kept coming, filling him with nothing but horror and pain.

"You remember Mom, don't you Al? You remember what we did, and because of what we did, we created something that looked just like her. You don't remember watching her evaporate as she died a second time. You weren't there when I robbed her grave of the one thing that would ensure that second death. And you weren't there when I killed him." Edward could see Al trying to deny the words but he couldn't stop now. The shadows kept pushing him onward.

"I haven't fucked with men, Al. Just one man. Do you find that wrong, Al? Like most people over there who saw it as something sinful and illegal. And those that do it, like me, are imprisoned and exiled and ostracised. Does it offend you too? You were never so narrow-minded before. Or is it that I found something to make me happy and I wasn't suffering in abject misery because I wasn't here? Because I am suffering now if that's what you want. Killing him was like having my heart ripped apart again. Oh, of course you don't remember that either, do you?" Edward could hear it inside him, the little voice of his control screaming at him, telling him to shut up, to say no more. But Edward couldn't stop. He began to shake as sweat beaded across his forehead. Al took a step back and Edward stepped with him.

"No, you don't remember seeing me die. When Envy stuck that blade of his right through my heart. You don't remember that, do you Brother? Of course you don't. You can't remember the most important years of our lives and I can tell you everything, because that's what you want. But you don't want to believe me. Because you can't remember it and you don't like what I am saying. Do you really want to know a secret, Al? Something I haven't told you or anyone else." Ed's voice dropped slightly and he swayed.

"It hurts me. Al. Knowing that you don't remember, knowing that we aren't brothers the way we used to be. That going forward only worked because we did it together. Because all you want now is to look back. And I can't." Edward's eyes flickered and he shuddered as he stood there. He lifted his left hand and used the back of his glove to wipe at his sweaty forehead. The shadows were shifting again and he took a hesitant breath.

"I can't." Ed said firmly.

"Of course you can Ed. It's perfectly safe. Trust me." Ed nearly laughed derisively at that. Yeah right, trust a man that looked like Roy Mustang. Even if he was missing an eye, it was still the bastard's face there.

"It doesn't look safe at all." Ed protested as he surveyed the flimsy craft.

"Come on." Roy smiled and held out his right hand. "I'll even hold your hand if you're scared." He teased lightly with a smirk and Ed frowned as he batted the hand away.

"Fine, bastard." He muttered and held onto the railing as he stretched and stepped into the small punt. He growled as Roy placed an arm around his waist and steadied him briefly as he let go of the railing.

"See? Not so difficult was it?" Roy smirked again as the blond scowled and sat on the small seat at the bow. Roy laughed lightly as he unhitched the boat and pushed away carefully with the long pole. He stood back just before the raised platform of the stern and manoeuvred them away from the small jetty.

"You've done this before." Ed remarked as they moved smoothly.

"Yes. I spent a few years in England before the war at Cambridge. Rowing was better but punting helped with developing balance." Roy said casually as he stepped up onto the platform and let the pole slide down into the river.

Ed was still nervous. Rivers and automail did not go together and although he no longer had the heavy steel, he was still wary. These prosthetics were nowhere near as flexible as his automail had been and they were heavy. And the last person he wanted to show his scars to was right in front of him.

Six weeks and it was still hard to see him as anything other than Mustang. He didn't know how much like Mustang this Roy was, he'd never been in such close quarters with the bastard, but the smirk was the same and it irritated him just as much. And he was bossy, always wanting his own way and ordering Ed around with a casual charm that seemed very familiar. And he couldn't cook. Ed had surreptitiously questioned the woman at the local market and she had begun giving him tips on how to cook. He really didn't think charcoal was that good for your teeth, no matter what the bastard claimed.

"Daydreaming again, Ed?" Roy's voice broke into his thoughts.

"Just wondering what you were planning to burn for dinner." Ed retorted.

"I thought we'd get something from the stalls."

"No." Ed groaned. "The last lot you brought home gave us food poisoning. I couldn't eat anything solid for a week after that. If you want to risk that again you can, but not me."

"Live dangerously for once, Ed." Roy deliberately smirked at him.

"I thought I was here to not be doing that anymore." He had had enough of living dangerously.

"Then how about, just living a little, huh? You don't go out, you don't have anyone but me to talk to. Which you do very reluctantly most times. I know you don't exactly like me but it's better than having no-one isn't it?" Roy asked.

"I guess." Ed replied reluctantly. The arrogant bastard was right. It was better than no-one, but it highlighted the fact that he wasn't home anymore. That everything he had known was gone forever.

"It's a start." Roy said lightly and let the pole slip again before pushing gently forward as he felt the muddy river bed beneath them. "There is more here than just books and the house, Ed."

And if he was going to be spending the rest of his life here, then he did need to start accepting it. He sighed. Damn the man. Of all the people to be stuck with it had to be him. He began to look around, watching the other people and the other river craft as they meandered along. Anything to avoid seeing that satisfied smirk.

The punt tipped and Ed was completely unprepared for it. He sank. He could feel the water closing around him and he almost welcomed it until he remembered that he didn't give up, not to something as pointless as this. He always went forward and he began to struggle against the water, trying to pull himself up even as his arm and leg pulled him down.

Hands reached him and he grabbed them. He kicked as best he could and felt himself rising. His lungs began to burn and he struggled to concentrate. Another kick and the water became lighter around him. The hands held him securely and he kicked again and finally he was gasping and finding air, not water filling his lungs. He let himself be dragged to the bank and he lay there, breathing heavily. Harsh breaths had him looking across and seeing the bastard there.

Roy was soaking wet as well and his face was paler than normal. And his eye patch had gone. The thick scar that bisected where his eye had once been was rough and Ed immediately saw the reason for such a large patch as his eyes tracked the ropy twisted scar in its diagonal line to the front of Roy's ear.

"It's ugly I know." Roy said softly as he turned away and Ed felt his face redden from embarrassment. He hadn't realised he'd been staring.

"I…I've seen worse." He replied carefully.

"There's always someone with a worse scar, Ed. But most are hidden. Mine's not so easily hidden." Ed watched as Roy squared his shoulders. "My other patch is at home." He said almost absently and it took Ed a moment to realise what the man meant.

Roy had lost his patch and had nothing to cover his scar with. He would not be able to hide it. Ed stared at the tense back. The bastard was never this vulnerable, not with Edward…no, wait, this wasn't Mustang. This was Roy and Roy was not Mustang. Even when Mustang had opened up and revealed his secrets he had never been this vulnerable. This was not Mustang. This was Roy.

"Well," Ed said as he struggled to get to his feet and staggered straight into a tree as the waterlogged weight of clothes and prosthetics pulled him off-balance. "We'd better get home then. And I'll even let you burn dinner."

Roy turned around to look at him and they stared at each other for a long moment. Ed absently reached up to wipe the water from his forehead as it dripped. Roy frowned and stood up, equally shaky and came over to him.

"You're bleeding, Ed." And for the first time since he had met him, Ed did not move back as he closed the gap and lifted the dripping hair away to examine the small scrape. it was time to move forward again.

"You can't?" Al repeated and his voice was strained. "You can't? That's a joke brother. All you do is look back." Why aren't you happy to be back with me, Brother?

Edward stared at the grey eyes through an increasing array of shadows. Every breath he took was making them shift and waver. He was so tired. He could almost see the riverbank again behind Al. He blinked, trying to bring himself back.

"Two days ago, my whole world collapsed, Al. Not two years ago." Ed replied unsteadily. His head hurt. "How long did you take to get back on your feet? How long Al? Two days? Two months? Or aren't you over it yet?"

"That's not fair!" All I wanted was you, Brother.

"Fair? Fair has never been a consideration, Al." Ed rubbed at his forehead again.

"And that other world is more important to you. Not me, but them. We had years together, but they're more important. They're all dead!" Why don't you love me anymore, Brother?

Edward stopped breathing. "They're all dead." He whispered before he shuddered. "Get out, Alphonse." His hands fisted hard and the shadows surged.

"Ed? Brother?" Al queried hesitantly. I haven't done anything wrong.

Edward turned his head slightly. "Get him out of here." His jaws closed shut and he began to breathe hard and fast through his nose.

"No! You have to explain…" Al began stubbornly, even as Mustang moved.

Edward's head lolled back slightly and his eyes blazed. "Their being dead doesn't mean I can forget! I can not forget!" He managed to say between his gritted teeth as his left hand swung and his fist hit Al's jaw. Al staggered back into Mustang.

"Brother!"

"Fullmetal!"

Ed swallowed hard and his hands fisted hard again. The black eyes were aching and his mind was disappearing into the shadows again. Voices swirled around him and he could barely see. Get him out of here. He didn't know if he said the words out loud or not. He swayed. He needed to sit down. No, he couldn't do that. So damned tired. So fucking tired. I wish I could forget.

"You're bleeding. Exactly what did you do to your hand, Fullmetal?" Mustang's voice.

"Bathroom mirror." Edward mumbled as he tried to figure out where the words were coming from. He turned his head and found Mustang was standing sideways. How had he managed that? He blinked before he realised he was lying on the couch and that Mustang was standing nearby. He looked around. There was something missing.

"Where's Al?" He asked.

"Gone to the office with Havoc." Mustang sat down in the chair opposite. "Don't you remember?"

"No." Edward frowned. "I hit him." he breathed.

"Yes and then you just stood there. Just as I was sending Al with him, you collapsed. So I made sure Al left and then got you on the couch." Mustang said calmly.

"How long ago was that?"

"About fifteen minutes." Mustang studied him as Edward frowned again. Edward was exhausted and it was becoming deeper by the minute it seemed. The shadows under his eyes were almost as black as his eyes. But he wouldn't give in to it. Somehow he was keeping those eyelids open.

"Hawkeye won't be happy." Even the accented voice was exhausted. The words slipped from him almost slurred together. Ever since he had hit his brother, his spirit seemed to have vanished and everything had been replaced with that extreme tiredness.

"Hawkeye will understand." Mustang replied as he looked at the left glove again. The red spots hadn't expanded so the cuts beneath were obviously small ones. The bathroom mirror. He shook his head slightly. He wondered what memory had sparked that, or had it even been a memory? Mustang had never been more surprised than he was when Edward had begun to talk to Al. Things he had never known, never realised. How many other stories were there? Things that had never made it into the reports.

Like Al, he wanted to know. And what had happened on the other side, in this other world that Edward seemed to be falling back into every time the memories grabbed him. Mustang had been patient before, he could be patient again. It just wasn't something he liked doing.

"Al hates me." Edward's voice was thin. The black eyes were staring at the ceiling and the eyelids wavered and slowly closed halfway. Edward's head rolled and faced Mustang. "Did you ever love me at all, Roy?" The words slipped out as his eyes closed completely.

At Central Station, a tall, thin man with a dour expression was boarding a train. The silver chain at his hip glinted as he swung himself up the steps. Randall, better known as the Stone Alchemist, made his way to the small compartments reserved for him and the others being sent North.

"You think it's really that dangerous up there, Stone?" Colonel Lilk asked idly. The two had worked together for several years and knew each other well.

"No." Stone replied as he threw his bag easily into the overhead rack. "We just prefer to keep to ourselves that's all. Some southerner probably got nervous and has completely exaggerated everything."

"Patrols don't go missing, Stone."

"No, but it's a remote place and it's winter. It's not uncommon to lose people for a week or so and have them turn up later. Sometimes all you can do is hole up and wait it out."

The train started moving and Stone stretched out, propping his legs on the seat opposite and sinking lower. "You'll see. It'll turn out to be just another stuff-up."

Al sat on the couch in Mustang's office with Hawkeye. She was holding an icepack to his jaw and studying the stubborn frown he was wearing. Hawkeye had been around the male of the species for a long time now, from raw recruits barely older than Al to seasoned veterans three times her age. She knew what he was feeling behind that frown. She was also not the most motherly person there ever was. If there was any sort of love learnt in the military it was tough love. And Hawkeye had learnt that.

She had been surprised when Havoc had appeared in the office with no General and with an obviously upset Al instead. The appearing bruise at the side of his chin told her that something had occurred. Given that Ed and the General were not with him, told her the problem was between the brothers. Havoc's eyes were slightly wide, so it hadn't been a normal sibling dispute.

She had settled him on the couch and gone to the outer office to get him some water. A quick word to Havoc didn't reveal much. The General had almost pushed Al out of the door and into the car. He had had a quick glimpse of Edward standing there, his strange eyes wide and blank in a face so white, Havoc had wondered how he was even staying upright. The General had looked worried and Al had appeared to be in a state of shock. Hawkeye had frowned at the lack of information but nodded at Havoc and, collecting an icepack as well, returned to the office and shut the door.

Al stayed silent at first but then he began to shake, his breathing becoming uneven as the shock began to wear off. Hawkeye kept the icepack steady and waited.

"He hit me." He said slowly, accusations in his voice.

"Did you hit him back?" She asked calmly.

"No."

"Why not?"

He looked up at her. He hadn't expected that. She was supposed to be offering him sympathy.

"Well?" She asked in a patient tone as she met his look with a steady gaze.

"I… I… didn't think of it," was all he could offer. "He's my brother." He added hesitantly, suddenly unsure of himself.

"I believe that when you were younger, your Teacher taught you both how to spar. Why didn't you duck? Why didn't you hit back?"

"I wasn't expecting him to hit me!" Al exclaimed defensively and he shook.

"That's beside the point, Alphonse. You should always be ready. When I first knew you, you and Edward would spar often."

"I don't remember that. He shouldn't have hit me, he knows I don't remember." Al said sulkily and his eyes shifted to the side. Hawkeye's fingers tightened at the icepack as she felt him try to turn away.

"Edward would never hit you without a reason, Al. What happened?"

Al went silent and his eyes dropped for a moment. Then his lips thinned and his hands fisted and when he looked up at her, his eyes were dark and stormy.

"Because they're dead and I'm alive and all he sees is them!"

The silence was profound. Edward lay in the centre of it and slept. It was a comforting deep velvet darkness that held him cocooned within the white nothingness that surrounded him.

Oblivion. Welcome and peaceful. Safe.

Illusion.

The word echoed and Edward rolled over, pulling the darkness around him and closing out the sound. He sank back into the blackness.

Coward.

The darkness moved and thinned slightly. He opened his eyes.

Hello Edward.

Snow fell silently in the northern villages. Several of the old men looked further north and shook their heads. Dark clouds had built up in the higher mountains, towering shadows heavy with promises of more snow and storm. It had been many decades since they had seen such a threatening sky.

And further north, there was no-one left to watch the snow fall.

Siegfried Sassoon (1886–1967): "Prelude: The Troops."

Author's Note: Thank you for being patient with my dragon. He really didn't want to come out and play, but hopefully we have arrived where we were supposed to be.

Thank you for the comments and reviews. I do appreciate the time and support you give by doing that.

silken :)