Journey's End
Chapter 10: Lamentation

"Baralai? Long time, no talk!" I smiled.

"Yeah… yeah, it's been too long."

"Well… what's the occasion? You nev- hold on, Telan just dropped her teething ring thingy. Okay, what's up?"

"I just wanted to ask you some things." He looked nervous.

"…okay? Shoot!"

"Do you remember when you came to visit?"

"Yes. I… heheh… wow, awkward."

"I know. Nothing… nothing came of that, did it?"

"What do you mean?" Confusion.

"You're… you're not pregnant again, are you?"

"I am, actually." A blush. "But it's Gippal's. Don't worry. I would've told you. Hell would've broken loose by now, I'm pretty sure…"

"I figured it would have, if it were mine." Relief.

"Yep-yep, but don't sweat it. It happened, it's over with, and everything's fi- wait. What brought this up?" Curiosity.

"Nothing, really, I just… I thought I saw Gippal with you today, in Bevelle. And the person I thought was you was obviously pregnant, but I didn't know why you'd be in Bevelle, since you had Telan in Luca, and all, and… I'm blabbering. I apologize."

"…"

"What?"

"…"

"What's wrong, Rikku?"

"Nothing. I just… are you sure it was Gippal?" My voice was shaking.

"It looked like him, but I can't say for sure that it was. Why? Isn't he home?"

"…no. He was in Bevelle today… working on the airship dock." Uncertainty.

"The airship dock has been finished and operational for three weeks."

"…"

"Rikku?" Worry.

"…" Suspicion.

"Rikku, I don't know if it was him. I was far away, it could have been any Al Bhed man. Don't doubt him that quickly."

"He's been acting weird." Connections in my head.

"It's the stressful season at the Faction, even I know that." Excuses.

"…she was blond? Like me?"

"Yes, but it could be anyone, Rikku…" Desperation.

"…I'll call you back." Anger.

The house was dark when he opened the door, as it should be, so late at night. He'd been gone all day. He looked too well rested in the faint light to have been working all day.

Maybe it was just my suspicions getting to me.

He closed the door quietly. Hung his coat up in the hall closet and shut the kitchen door as he passed it. He started when I cleared my throat from where I sat in the dark living room on the dark couch.

"Riks? What are you still doing up? It's late." He sounded nervous, like Baralai had on the phone.

"Waiting on you."

"You don't have to do that, Rikku, you can sleep."

I just blinked at him. "No, I can't."

"…are you okay? Is something wrong?" He sounded a bit panicked now. I don't know if he was or not, really, because I was doing my best not to look at his face.

"Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

"Baralai called." And I looked at him. "He asked me some weird questions." My eyes were narrow, his face was pale. He reached for the light switch. "Don't! Leave it off."

"Rikku…" He was definitely panicking. A strange sound to hear, from him. The last time I'd heard it, I'd been hooked up to IV's and heart monitors. Such a different situation, now.

"What's going on, Gippal? Why would you be working on the airship dock if it's already finished and the maintenance crews are on full alert to any malfunctions? Why are you always so edgy, hm? Why are you so involved in work lately?"

He was silent.

"You want to know what he asked me, Gippal?"

"…"

"He asked me if I was pregnant. And I told him yes. And I told him it was yours, and he was relieved."

"Why would he ask that?" he said quietly, uncertain.

"Because he saw a blonde, pregnant woman in Bevelle today. With a blond man who looked a lot like you." And the angry tears I'd been fighting since Baralai had called began to fall down my cheeks, the weak light making them look like falling liquid crystals on my cheeks. His wide eyes told me all I needed to know.

"Rikku, I've been… I didn't know how to…" I shook my head, looking out the window instead of at him. "Wait, just listen to me, okay?"

"Why should I?"

"Because it's time I told you what's been going on, Rikku."

"Why do you even care to tell me? You've been sneaking around behind my back with some other girl and now she's pregnant, too?"

"I haven't been sneaking around, Rikki…"

"Don't call me that right now. Nicknames aren't going to get you anywhere."

I thought I saw a liquid crystal on his cheek, too, but I couldn't be sure in the dark. I looked away, and felt it as he sat next to me, cautiously. He had his face in his hands. He looked defeated. Like I felt.

"The worst part is that you proposed to me. You were messing around with someone else and you still proposed. And I had to hear it from Baralai, of all people." I shook my head as the rest of me shook in anger and upset. For some reason, I didn't feel as angry as I thought I should. I loved him too much even with his unvoiced confirmations of my worst nightmare.

"You shouldn't have had to hear about it from anyone but me. And I've been trying to figure out how to tell you ever since our engagement party, but I didn't want to hurt you like this." His voice was too quiet. "I didn't want to hear you cry over something that never should have happened in the first place."

"What, you propose and then you decide I should know after the fact?" I asked, incredulous.

It was strange, to sit in the darkness and discuss something rationally, with very little anger. Strange to look at his hands and realize they were shaking.

"Do you remember how I had to go inside to talk to someone during the party? How they said it was urgent?"

"Yeah. Why does that matter?"

"Because that's when I found out." He was quiet for a long moment as I leaned my head back against the couch in disbelief. "I wasn't sneaking around, Rikku, I promise. I wouldn't do that to you."

"Sure you wouldn't."

"It's Adena." His voice was quiet. "Adena's pregnant. You saw what happened that night, I was drunk, I was stupid… she's pregnant, it's mine, and I've been trying to do the right thing and take care of her and the baby like I know I should… and I've been trying to tell you, too. I really have. But I don't know what to do."

We sat in silence for a long time, until I couldn't stand sitting next to him any longer. I locked the bedroom door behind me. Because I didn't know what to do, either.

I walked past him, sleeping in his clothes on the couch, and I barely gave him a second glance. As I angrily put breakfast together, burning the toast and overcooking the eggs, I made myself think.

I couldn't really blame him, if he was telling the truth, because I'd known about the incident with Adena and I'd chosen to let it go, just like he'd chosen to ignore my own incident with Baralai. I'd forgiven him for it. And when my night with Baralai had turned out without consequence, I guess I'd assumed that his with Adena had, too.

He must be a very virile guy, I guess… and I smiled. Just a little. And then I laughed.

It wasn't one of those laughs that was pure mirth. The laughs I liked. It was one of those laughs that pulls at your insides and happens because there's nothing else to do. The kind that hurts and feels more like a racking coughing fit than an actual laugh. It was loud, it echoed off the walls, and even as I tried to stop it, it just got louder and louder, harder and harder. Like it couldn't decide if it wanted to be a laugh or a cough or a sob or a scream.

I tossed the pan into the sink, metal hitting metal, making a splitting noise in my ears. Vaguely, I could hear a baby crying as I began to bang around the kitchen without a care, as I tore the little yellow flowers I'd had in a vase on the table into pieces. Tossed the shredded petals into the garbage can.

Sank to the ground in front of the cabinets in the corner when the laugh chose to morph into a frustrated scream and then the sobs.

Telan was screaming, too. I could hear it, and it reminded me of Besaid, the night I couldn't stop her. The night before I went to search for Gippal, a few nights before I found him being straddled by Adena, heard him groaning absently before leaving the house in a frenzy similar to the one I felt now.

"What were you trying to do, get her pregnant, too? Find someone else to replace me, knock her up, and have a new baby to replace the one I 'stole' from you? Is that what you were trying to do!"

I saw the irony the words I'd spoken that very night. Because he had gotten her pregnant. Had saying the words made them happen? I shook my head, leaning back against the cabinets. Would Adena replace me, now? Replace me and Telan, the new baby? Would that come true, too?

I stared at the case on the table, now empty. I remembered that I'd thrown one at him. I'd probably throw this one at him, too, if he weren't comforting Telan in the other room, trying to calm her down as he'd done previously.

I heard her squalling get louder as he came closer to the kitchen, start to echo like my laughing had when he entered. "Rikku," he said softly, rushing over to where I was sitting in the corner. Getting on his knees before me, resting his free hand on my shoulder.

"Don't touch me, please," I cried, shrinking away from him. He pulled his hand away like he'd been burnt.

We were quiet for a few minutes, as Telan and I cried, before he tried again. "Rikku, just let me try…"

"No… no, you should've thought about that a long time ago." I looked up and shook my head, watching as little tears streaked down Telan's cheeks. I suddenly felt guilty for scaring her with all my noise. "Gimme my baby…"

"She's okay, I've got her."

"Just give her to me," I said, the malice in my voice so thick I could taste it. And he handed her over reluctantly, touching my hair lightly once his hands were free.

"I'm sorry."

"We've been over this before. Sorry doesn't fix it." I ran my fingers through Telan's blonde fuzz, shushing her as she rested her head on my shoulder. I didn't meet his eyes. "Go away."

"I'm not going to leave, Rikku."

"I'm not asking you to leave. I'm telling you to leave me alone. There's a difference." Since when was I capable of sounding so cold?

"I should've told you."

"Yeah. You should've gotten yourself together. You should've told me when this all started. But no. You decided to keep it a secret. And now… you know, this is the second time that I've had to doubt you because of that bitch."

He was silent.

"Where the hell is she, anyway? For you to be taking care of her? How close? Is she living in your old room in the temple?"

He looked away, his eyes a little shinier than usual. His fists clenched in frustration. "No. And I don't take care of her, damnit, I just pay for… everything." I shook my head in disbelief as he turned his guilty eyes to me. "She's managing the outpost at the river. Stays in the little apartment above it."

"So that's why you started paying for the post to bring us deliveries. So no one would see her."

"…"

I shook my head in disbelief as I stared down at the baby. "Just go away."

Thanks so much for reviewing! Hopefully I can get one or two more chapters up before I leave for college on Thursday! Thanks FairyIce for all your help. You are a genius, no matter what you say, ahha.

-Jezzi