Not-so-warning: Saria and Tatl are racist and the Goron Elder's Son sings terrible music in caps.

The Bizarre Saga: Majora's Mask
Chapter 10: Link Tries to be Cool

Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link thought he was a police man, Navi corrected him a lot, Saria stole turkey, Tatl was in Link's pocket through most of the chapter and Gabe made another stupid appearance.

Now for Chapter Ten.

"Master Gareth," Link started. "I stole the diamond as you ordered me to."

"Good, good," Gareth said, drumming his fingers. "I am proud of you, my servant."

"What the crap is this?" Navi asked, appearing out of no where.

"Uh…" Link paused.

Darmani's Grave…

"What in the heck…" Navi mumbled.

"I am Darmani the Third," the ghost said. "I am overwhelmingly sorrowful. I would cry if I had tears. But ghosts have no tears."

"Were you a poet or something?" Tatl asked.

"Why yes I was. Would you like to hear some poetry?"

"Sorry, but we don't have much time. We only have three days until the moon falls and kills everybody."

"Well I'm going to say it anyway. Here goes…

Twinkle, Twinkle, little GORON

How I wonder what you GORON

Up above the world so GORON

Like a diamond in the GORON."

"That's not poetry!" Saria told him. "You just took Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and but Goron at the end of every phrase!"

"Oh really? I'd like to see you do better!"

"Look guys, we don't have time for a poetry war!" Tatl shouted, but nobody seemed to notice her.

"Oh, it is on!" Saria yelled at Darmani. "I've gone some poetry for you right here!

There was once a stupid Goron

Who ate his pants and was a total moron

But then one day when he died

All the Gorons were saved, and not one cried. Beat that."

Darmani gasped, "How could you say such a thing! Everybody loved me! They loved me so much that they put my grave over a hot spring during this winter curse!"

"Okay, whether they loved you or not, that is just downright stupid," Tatl said.

"Hey! I suddenly realized what will get rid of his sorrow!" Link exclaimed. He played the Song of Healing on the Ocarina of Time.

"Wow, I feel really dizzy all of a sudden!" Darmani stated.

A few seconds later, there was a Goron mask sitting on the ground.

Link got the Goron Mask!

"Wow! Cool! A Goron Mask!" Link cheered. He put it on and turned into a Goron that looked somewhat like Darmani. And his coat disappeared when he transformed.

"Oh mah gosh," Tatl muttered.

"Wait a sec, don't you think we would need it in order to complete the temple?" Saria asked. "What am I supposed to do? Well, it's not like I want to be one, but… seriously."

"Something will be figured out…" Navi said. "Let's just go back to the Goron Village."

"Hey wait, didn't he say that they covered the hot spring with his grave?" Link questioned. He pushed the grave out of the way and hot spring water came out of a drain.

"Stupid Gorons…" Tatl mumbled.

The team stared at the block of ice that had been inside a giant snowball.

"Holy crap," Link said. "A old, frozen Goron with a giant bottom lip."

"This is a pretty unpleasant sighting…" Tatl stated.

A while later, Link brought some hot spring water and defrosted the ice.

"Who knows how long he's been there. I bet he's dead," Saria spoke.

"OH MAH GARSH!" the old Goron exclaimed. "Flippin' cows, am I seeing things or is ol' Darmani right fronna meh?"

"… Or not?"

"I must be seein' things! Derpsauce, I'm gettin' old!"

"Umm… Who the heck are you anyway?" Link asked.

"I'm that ol' Goron Elder of the Gorons right inside the Goron Shrine in the Goron Village. Ya'll need anythin'?"

"Well, in a part that was skipped, a little Goron that was apparently your son was crying his face off and putting all the other Gorons in misery," Tatl said.

"I was wondering if you could do something…"

"Well, I'm an old person, so I probably won't be able to get back quickly, so I'll teach ya that ol' song I use to put my son to sleep. His name is The Goron Elder's Son." The Goron Elder took out a bongo drum and played a few notes. "Ah, derple, I can't remember it all. Just go play it to my kiddo and find out what'll happen."

"Uh, sure…"

"Okay, that was the weirdest Goron I've ever met," Saria stated.

"I hope the other Gorons are different," Navi said.

Inside the Goron Shrine…

"BABY BABY BABY OHHHH!" a Goron with a high pitched voice sang very loudly. "BABY BABY BABY NOOOOO! BABY BABY BABY OHHH I THOUGHT YOU'D ALWAYS BE MINE, MINE!"

"Holy crap," Saria spoke. "It's worse than I thought."

"Help…" one of the Gorons begged. "He's been going on for hours. When he's sad, he sings the most annoying songs he can think of as loud as he can."

"Okay, good. The Gorons here aren't as crazy as the elder."

"Oh, the elder? He's just weird. He set out in the cold because he thought there was a magic pizza that could grant wishes. Now his son won't stop singing…"

"Let's go find out what that song he taught us does to him," Link said.

"Be careful. The waves of the awful singing can throw you backwards."

Link put on his sunglasses. "All right." He whipped them off. "Let's do this."

"SEVEN A.M., WAKING UP IN THE MORNING! GOTTA BE FRESH, GOTTA GO DOWNSTAIRS! GOTTA HAVE MY BOWL, GOTTA HAVE CEREAL, SEEIN' EVERYTHING, THE TIME IS GOIN', TICKIN' ON AND ON, EVERYBODY'S RUSHIN', GOTTA GET DOWN TO THE BUS STOP, GOTTA CATCH MY BUS, I SEE MY FRIENDS!"

"AHHHH!" Tatl screamed. "IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME!" She was blown back forcefully into a wall.

A while later…

"AUUUUGH!" they all yelled.

"THIS IS AWFUL!" Saria shouted. "HIS FATHER DID NOT PROPERLY TELL HIM HOW TO DEAL WITH SADNESS!"

"IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY, EVERYBODY'S LOOKIN' FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND! FRIDAY, FRIDAY! GETTIN' DOWN ON FRIDAY! EVERYBODY'S LOOKIN' FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!" The Goron Elder's Son screamed.

"DRUMICUS GO!" Link said. He took out his ocarina that had turned into drums and played the song the elder had taught him.

"… Huh? That's part of the song my daddy always played to put me to sleep! I'll sing the rest!" He sang the rest of the song, surprisingly, not as loud as possible.

Link played it on his drums. All the Gorons in the room fell asleep.

"… Wait a minute, if the singing was so horrible, why are there Gorons in here?" Saria asked.

The Goron that they were talking to before walked up, "They were all chained in here. The elder forced them to watch his son while he was gone, and he chained them in here because he thought an evil spirit haunted the store and that they would go there."

"Okay, maybe we should change the subject before things get more confusing…"

"Good idea."

"So! Now that the kid is asleep… How about the Snowhead Temple?" Navi questioned. "Where is it?"

"It's at the tip of the mountain. A gigantic Goron guards it. However, he's just as weird as the elder, but not in the same kind of way… He doesn't let anybody pass."

"Do you by any chance know where we can buy a mask that transforms you into a Goron?"

"Those exist?"

"Never mind…"

On the path to Snowhead…

"What the heck! This sign says that people who can't roll like a Goron can't get to Snowhead," Saria said.

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Link suddenly exclaimed. "Navi, put some pixie dust on Saria so she can fly over!"

"Link, this is not the Tinker Bell universe," Navi told him.

"DA DA DA DAA!" Saria sang and took out her rope she had used back at the Deku Palace. She threw it up and it wrapped around a thick branch sticking out of the wall. Don't ask me how. "Later suckers!" She swung over to the other side.

"Oh come on!" Link yelled.

"Owl statue!" Link stated. He took off his mask, hit the statue with his sword and put the mask back on.

"YE FOUL BEASTES!" the giant Goron guarding the Snowhead Temple yelled. "LEAVE OR PERISH!"

"But you don't even know who we are yet!" Tatl told him.

The Goron suddenly had a British accent, "I don't care! Fear my name and tremble!"

"Don't you mean hear my name?"

Then he sounded like an old man. "Shaddap kiddies and get offa mah lawn!"

"So what is your name…?" Link asked slowly.

Then he was speaking French. "Mon nom?! Vous devez être des espions!"

"But you were just about to tell it to us anyway!" Navi said.

"You can speak French?" Tatl questioned her.

"Yeah."

"… Really? That's all? Just yeah? Usually I would expect some previous story reference, but this time just yeah?"

"You want me to make a reference?"

"No! No!"

"I wonder what will happen if I play the Goron Lullaby!" Link stated. He took out his nicknamed Drumicus and played the song he used to put The Goron Elder's Son to sleep.

"I'mma tard," the giant Goron spoke. He leaned forward a few times with tired eyes before curling up into a ball, falling asleep and rolling off the edge.

DA DA DA DA DAAAAA!

"… Okay, either he was saying 'I'm tired' or 'I'm a turd'," Saria said.

"I'm pretty sure he was saying that he was tired," Navi told her.

There were a few seconds of silence.

"I'm not hearing the crash-" Tatl started, but was interrupted by a HUGE crash. In fact, it was so huge that it sounded as if the Goron had crashed right through the ground. "… Holy crap."

"LET'S DO THIS TEMPLE!" Link yelled, putting on his sunglasses.

"We should probably look for stray fairies too. There probably are some in this temple to," Navi spoke.

"BOOM!" Link whipped off his sunglasses and put them back on.

"Look! Little fluff balls!" Link exclaimed when they entered the temple. A bunch of little balls that looked like bunches of thick fog with eyes were jumping around on the floor.

"Link! Those things are evil! They're trying to trick you with their cuteness!" Navi warned him.

"Navi, they're not evil! They're too cute to be evil." Right when he said that, all of the fluff balls tackled him.

"See?! They're trying to kill you!"

"No, they're just tackling me with love!"

"THEY'RE BITING YOU, LINK."

"Maybe that's how they show their playfulness."

"KIIIIIILLLL!" one of the fluff balls yelled in a high pitched voice.

"That convince you?" Navi asked.

"Perhaps that's their language for 'I love you'!" Link said.

Navi face palmed.

"WELL WELL!" Link exclaimed, whipping his sunglasses off. "Looks like rollage is required to pass through this room!"

Saria took her rope and swung over to the other side of the room.

"CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"

"I bet by shooting arrows through that torch they'll catch fire and you'll be able to melt ice," Navi suggested.

"BOOM!" Link yelled again, shooting an arrow through the torch and melting a huge chunk of ice. Apparently he had taken off his mask during the skip.

"Y'know, we could just burn up the temple, saving time and killing the boss," Saria said. "After all, we're going back in time once we deal with this."

"Saria, the world has many surprises," Navi told her. "You never know what might happen if you burn up a temple."

"Lots of fire?"

"That's not what I mean! You can't just go burning up the temple!"

"Oh fine."

"YEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!" something laughed like an evil old man. An ugly, indescribable creature rose out of some kind of platform.

"Holy crap!" Link exclaimed. "It's a thingamajig!"

"I think it's the mini boss," Navi said.

"DESTROY!" Saria yelled, drawing her sword.

Seconds later, the mini boss was defeated.

"Wow," Navi spoke in awe, holding a stopwatch. "Impressive."

"Yep," Saria said. "I'm awesome."

"This is starting to make me wonder how chaotic it was back where you lived," Tatl stated.

"It actually wasn't that bad," Navi told her. "Back then, we had a guardian that made sure everybody was behaving properly. I think that Saria was hiding her true nature the whole time." She paused. "Wait…"

"Huh?"

"Saria must have just joined us to be free from the forest! She didn't care about what Link did, she just wanted to get her hands on a sword and be free!"

"Heh heh…" Saria laughed, sweatdropping. "Yeah…"

"… Well, even if you are crazy, I can't imagine what this would be like if you weren't here. I mean, you beat almost all the bosses and kill every enemy that gets in the way in seconds."

Saria sighed. "Good times…"

"You know what I think we should do?" Tatl asked them. "GET A MOVE ON!"

"Yeah…"

Then they FINALLY realized a treasure chest had appeared after defeating the boss.

"Wow. I can't believe we didn't notice that," Navi said. "Even Link didn't."

"I do now!" Link stated. He ran over to the chest and opened it.

Link got Fire Arrows!

"What about me?" Saria questioned.

So did Saria!

"… Oh, whatever. Let's move…"