Disclaimer: I do not own The Twilight Saga or The Vampire Diaries. I don't own the White Stripes' song.
Warning: Profanity and major character death.
The one in which the Volturi comes, everyone sees Stefan's badasser-y skills with a flamethrower, Damon pisses off Jane (and likes it), and (almost) everyone lives happily ever after (kind of).
"I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talking to myself at night because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind behind a cigarette"
Stefan's listening to Damon sing a White Stripes song in the living room with the other vampires before they go out to the baseball field (Stefan wishes they were going to the field to play baseball instead, and after this – if they make it – he'll never look at that area the same Ever Again) to face the Volturi. Everyone is tense, and they kind of needed some of Damon's weird humor to lighten them up (or else they'll go crazy – or sane, whichever fits – and desert like Alistair did that morning.)
Edward is the one to announce it's time and their huge party of vampires (and two wolf packs) move to the baseball field and wait (and wait and wait) until they hear the snap of a twig signaling someone's approach. Stefan is standing next to Bella, who's next to Edward, who's next to Jacob. Damon is on Stefan's other side, looking forward to seeing the guys that give Stefan nightmares (every night). (Stefan thinks Damon either wants to put names to faces or go over to kick their asses for scaring his little brother. Stefan doesn't know whether to be touched or offended.)
The Volturi glide across the ground like ghosts, their own witnesses surrounding them. One look at Bella's face tells Stefan that she thinks there's no way out of this. She puts Renesmee on top of Jacob's back (he's in wolf form, so it's not weird or anything) with a little backpack on her back. Renesmee's sad; her lip is pooched out and tears gather into her eyes. ("Shush, darling, don't cry" "But Momma") Stefan looks away. Damon smirks at him (but it's not top notch, so Stefan knows he's nervous) and shoves his hands into his leather jacket.
Aro starts to talk ("You've brought an army, my friend?" "They're witnesses, just like you have") with Carlisle (apparently they were friends back in the day – you never know what you'll learn about your parents). As soon as they figure out that Ness is not in fact an immortal child, the Volturi execute Irina. ("No!" "Let her go!" *screaming*) Tanya and Kate have to be held back to keep from attacking (which would have provoked the Volturi into a fight – what the Italians wanted) and then Jane is trying to get through Bella's shield. When she can't, Jane becomes furious and Damon taunts her. ("Hey, prissy bitch! You're lookin' a little blue!" "Imbecile!" "Thanks, sweetheart, I love you too")
"You blockhead," Stefan hisses to Damon as Jane gets more worked up. Aro is almost amused at this, but Caius is scowling.
"I see your brother is alive and well," Aro crows, "Come here, young Stefan, and bring your brother. Come along."
The Cullen's side becomes tense at this, and the Volturi's side is confused at the new proceedings. Edward nods for Stefan to go, and so he does, dragging Damon along. ("You have a flamethrower up here?" "Nope" "Ah, shit") (That's about right.)
They get up there and Aro takes Stefan's hand to see his thoughts, smiling (it's weird and Damon is eyeing Aro like he should be in a strait jacket – as he probably should).
"You've thought a lot about what I said the last time we met," Aro says to Stefan and Stefan shivers. (He can't help it) Damon frowns.
"Are you not curious?" Aro wonders and Stefan swallows thickly.
"No."
"Ah, well. Maybe you'll consent for an . . . experiment some other time. Unless Damon is interested . . . ?" Aro trails off and looks at Damon.
"You're not my type," Damon says, "I like my women dark headed and sexy. Since you're none of the three, I'll have to pass." (This pisses of Jane even more and she's spitting mad. Aro laughs uproariously. It's creepy.) Stefan and Damon are free to go back to their side and Aro regretfully (not that regretfully) says that they don't know what Renesmee will grow up to be ("It's unpredictable. If only we could know . . . ")
Then Alice&Jasper the unit shows up and everyone whispers Alice's name in reverence. ("What about Jasper?" is what Damon wants to know, so he says Jasper's name as well "So he won't feel left out") They've brought another half-breed and his aunt, and the last of Zafrina's clan with them. Everything looks like it's going to be fine until Jane appears to have had enough waiting. (And so she shoots the last of the African clan with her torture power-thingy. Everything goes to hell in a hand basket from there.)
Bella slams her hand into Jacob's side to make him run with Renesmee and then they're gone (like rockets) running through the forest at an incredible speed. Stefan and Damon whip out their flamethrowers ("Watch out unless you wanna be barbecue!") (Stefan wasn't lying to Edward – he kicks ass with his flamethrower.) ("I get to torch Aro!" "He hit on me!")
(Then there is some serious fighting going on in which Stefan sees Bella take on Jane. Edward and Demetri throw down and before Stefan can get to Aro, Carlisle kicks his ass – it's epic.) Stefan goes to the next best person (Caius) and torches him up like a firework. Damon finds Marcus, but the latter just wants to die (his mate's been dead, for like, ever) and so Damon kills him quickly before fighting Felix with Emmett.
Jasper and Alice are the perfect team; Alice Sees who's coming and Jasper's war days come back to him and he dominates the battlefield. Rosalie's temper comes in use as she and Heidi probably have the best cat fight in history. ("Let me at her!" "Bitch!" "You were going to kill my niece!") (Yeah.)
The Volturi's witnesses have disappeared and some of the Cullen's have as well, but the fight is still vicious (it lasts a while) and just when Stefan thinks it might be over, something stings on his upper thigh. He looks down and faintly thinks (too bad Aro's dead, his curiosity is about to be cured). Fire like pain spreads throughout Stefan's body and he grimly bears down; if he's going to die he's going to go out fighting. (So he sets the flamethrower's setting on 'ON' and uses his strength to make it stay ("Bombs away!") and throws it towards the last remaining Volturi guard members.)
(They go out with a bang.)
There's a huge explosion and everyone's blown back a least a hundred feet. The rest of the Italian vampires are gone (and that's awesome) but Stefan can't really enjoy it. (His leg is on fire, and the pain has spread to his entire lower body and working its way up to his frantically beating heart.) He drops to the ground slowly, convulsing with seizures. ("Stefan!")
He closes his eyes. (And thinks: Why does this crap always happen to me?)