I lie listlessly emotionally and physically drained but more so emotionally, I used up all the tears I could cry but the pain still lingers. The pain in my heart I tried so hard to avoid, I put a guard up but of course he was the one to finally break through. I was told I shouldn't guard my heart but I knew I was right I just didn't think he would be the one to break it.

Image after image flash through my mind as I replay everything and they conjure up the night I lost myself and I see everything through s stranger's eyes. I see the black car sailing down the road and I see the lone figure stepping off the sidewalk, she doesn't hear the car approaching due to the earphones in her ear but she sees the lights of the car at the last minute.

The car tries to stop but only when it gets close enough and the lone figure looks up, she has no time to scream or to utter a word but someone does scream. A bloodcurdling scream that will haunt you forever. I blink back the images and the tears threatening to spill, too tired to feel and cry. I fall into a dreamless sleep and I'm pulled under deep. I wake after sometime not really opening my eyes but sensing the light of the morning. I don't want to move and face the day I want to stay in this dreamless state and forget… just forget and not feel.

I roll over and get a glimpse at the clock its way past time to get up and go to work. For the first time ever I don't want to work, I want to sleep the day away. I don't want to function because I know if I do I will be forced to think and thinking will bring back what I want to forget. I close my eyes ready to fall back to sleep when I hear insistent knocking on the door, my heart pounds against my chest and the images come back when I think who could be at the door, I calm down telling myself it couldn't be him. No, not after last night and hearing his angry voice and seeing his face taut with harsh lines. The tears he shed and his anguished voice no it couldn't be him.

I decide to ignore it and pretend I don't hear the loud knocking and after a while it goes away but I'm wide awake now and that's not good. In the dreamless land I was numb to feeling but now out in the open it all comes rushing back, the deep pain in my chest and the sinking feeling in my gut. I feel cold all over and no amount of warmth can stop this chill and for a second I let myself wish he could stop this chill and I wished I was wrapped in his arms. I wished for comfort and home, I stiffen shaking the thoughts away. He would never be home again.

I close my eyes wishing for sleep when I hear the front door open and I hear hushed voices and footsteps, normally you would get scared or paranoid. Normally you would clutch the phone in terror awaiting the cause of your fear but in this case I'm indifferent. Because fear is the least of my worries. I hear voices on the stairs and then they're loudly calling my name.

Jane and ben enter my room relief all over their faces but when they take a look at me I see concern etched deep on their faces.

"Bella are you okay?" Jane asks.

I pause ready to answer and then stop….. Am I okay? No this is not how okay feels, I'm not okay I'm hurt and I'm alone. I'm broken and drowning in my pain.

"We were worried when you didn't show up at work and you wouldn't answer your phone" ben speaks.

I'm afraid to open my mouth because if I do I might completely break down and with their concerned eyes and pity stricken faces it just might happen. How do I explain what I'm feeling? How do I tell them what happened without losing my last bit of resolve?

"Bella honey talk to us"

"Yesterday you were so happy and excited to meet Edward parents, did something happen then?"

Hearing his name and the word happy in the same sentence breaks me and I'm sobbing from deep within, nerve wracking sobs that feel like they could break me in half. Edward and happy, happy and Edward…. Happy with Edward… all foreign concepts to me right now. Jane has her arms around me trying to calm me down and after some minutes the sobs quiet and I'm shedding silent tears.

"Sweetie did something happen with Edward?" she asks me softly.

I can do this I tell myself… I can be strong and tell her what she needs to know.

"We… broke….. Up" I choke out.

"What happened?"

"He… hates… me"

She looks confused "why would Edward hate you?"

"I… kk..Killed… her"

There's a long silence and then she wiping away my tears and looking me in the eye

"You told him?" she asks quietly.

I nod.

She hugs me tightly for a few minutes.

"So you told him and he hates you even though it wasn't your fault!" ben speaks up angry now.

"she she was… hiss… best…friend"

The silence is stunning and then jane is hugging me and crying with me, it feels good to be showed affection even after what I did and to see that they will never judge me. Why couldn't it be this way with Edward?

"Well….. That's something" Ben says.

"But still I know that's got to be shocking but he can't put all the blame on you"

I shake my head "you didn't see his face, you didn't hear his voice… he hates me"

"Doesn't matter, you've been through a lot and I would of thought he was the person to fix you"

I thought so too, it wouldn't matter if someone else hated me for this but because its him it hurts much worse.

"You love him" Jane says.

I'm stunned unable to speak for a moment…. Is this what love feels like? Is this why it hurts so much? It can't be love… I know I feel for him more than I'm capable of but it can't be love.

"No it can't be, love shouldn't hurt this much"

"Yes love can hurt" Jane agrees.

"So he just ended everything because of this?" Ben asks

"No, I ended it I couldn't be with him with the hanging over us. Not after the way he looked at me"

I shake my head not wanting to relive those moments.

He nods and then whirls out of the room, we hear him running down the steps and out of the door.

"Where is he going?"

"Taking care of business" Jane answers.

I nod

"I'm so sorry that it had to happen this way and I'm angry at him even though I may understand but angry nonetheless" she says.

I Nod feeling angry myself…. Anger is better than the pain….. I gave him a part of me that most people never see and I trusted him not to break my heart.

"It's going to hurt him more" she says.

"She was his best friend"

"No because he loves you too"