Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

Added note/disclaimer: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

VIII

Return to Hogwarts

Lavender Brown stopped in the middle of Diagon Alley. She turned to look after the two people she'd just walked by. She blinked.

"Oh, great," said Draco Malfoy, "so I'm a girl."

Lavender blinked again. Surely she couldn't have heard that. But then Hermione didn't seem surprised at all. She watched them as they walked away, still talking, Hermione looking very embarrassed. Lavender hesitated, wondering if she ought to follow them.

Lavender had waited too long in the crowd to get close enough to hear the rest of their conversation. But at one point, they entered a clothing store and Draco Malfoy grabbed a pair of blue robes.

"Hey, Hermione," she heard him say, "what do you think of these?"

Lavender had heard enough. Those were robes were witch's dress robes. They were for witches, not wizards and she really didn't want to see Draco Malfoy trying them on. She turned and left the store as quickly as she could and found Parvati Patil with her twin sister, Padma.

"Hey," she said, "you'll never guess what I overheard today."

"What?" asked Padma.

"Um … did you hear the rumor Harry's gay?" guessed Parvati,

"What?" said Padma, who obviously hadn't heard this rumor.

"Yes, but who cares about that," said Lavender impatiently. "This is so much better! I overheard Draco Malfoy telling Hermione Granger that he's a girl!" she yelled in her excitement. "and he was trying on witch's dress robes!"

People in the diner turned around to look at her.

"Did you just say Malfoy?" asked a grown man. "As in Draco Malfoy – the missing heir to the Malfoy family?"

"Yes." said Lavender impatiently, "But you're too old for him even if he is gay!"

"He's gay?" asked the man, looking shocked.

"Wait," said Ernie Macmillan as he walked into the diner with Hannah Abbot. "Did you just say Draco Malfoy is gay?"

"No, he's not gay," said Lavender, sarcasm dripping like venom from her voice "he just likes wearing witch's robes!"

Now the diner had fallen completely silent. Not everyone knew who Draco Malfoy was, but everyone in the Wizarding world knew of Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy's son and heir. Or maybe it was his daughter and heir?

"So … Draco Malfoy is a girl? I thought Lucius had a son … not a daughter," said the man, confused.

"No! No!" said Padma, "He can't be gay!"

"I hear he's dating Harry Potter," said Seamus Finnigan.

They all turned to look at him, sitting in the back of the restaurant with his mother. His mother looked ashamed and embarrassed.

"Draco Malfoy is a girl!" yelled Colin Creevey, as he ran into the restaurant. "I just heard him – er her say it!"

xxx

Draco drove through the rain. It was a dreary day to leave for Hogwarts. The car was silent with the exception of Ron and Harry's snoring. Hermione didn't snore at all, and Draco wondered if she was asleep.

Draco sighed. He didn't like driving in the rain, he decided. He looked out at the signs on the road, pulling out to a stop to buy himself some coffee before driving onward.

xxx

Draco snapped himself out of a light doze, causing the car to swerve a little, before regaining control of it. A glance of the map on the screen, told him he was just a few minutes away from the entrance to Hogsmeade. He slowed the car down, peering through the thick fall of rain. He made a sharp turn into the lane that took him to Hogsmeade.

In Hogsmeade, people stopped to stare as a Muggle-looking car drove through, heading for Hogwarts.

The moment he arrived into the Hogwarts grounds, the castle welcomed him, its presence in his mind becoming warmer and stronger. Directions came into his head and Draco drove carefully toward the end of the castle near the Forbidden Forest. As the car reached it, a door slid open revealing something that looked very much like a garage.

He parked the car, sighing in some relief.

They were home.

xxx

"So is Draco Malfoy gay or a girl?" asked Neville Longbottom.

"Girl," said half of the people in the compartment he was in – which happened to be Lavender Brown's.

"Gay," said the other half of the people.

"He's gay," said Seamus, "I know it. Because, see I heard that Harry Potter's gay and that he's dating Draco Malfoy."

"Oh, I heard that too!" said a fourth year girl by the name of Natalie MacDonald.

"Yeah, me too," said Romilda Vane, "I heard that Harry's in a homosexual relationship with Draco Malfoy. I also heard that Harry's very abusive and violent."

"So maybe Harry really did rape Malfoy," said Dean, "I mean, during Ron's brother's wedding he told Seamus that he and Harry had had wild passionate sex in the boy's bathroom. And when I got there to talk to Harry, Harry was trying to apologize for something he did in the boys' bathroom and so I asked if Harry had raped Malfoy, and Malfoy denied it."

"Of course he would." said Romilda quickly, "If a boy rapes another boy – they're not about to admit it, even if it was Harry Potter who raped him."

xxx

"Do you even know where we are?" asked Hermione looking around. It was a beautiful place, really.

Draco did not respond. He merely closed his eyes, gently telling the castle to lead him out into the Great Hall. Draco felt a gentle tug in his mind and he followed it. Hermione, Ron, and Harry exchanged a glance, but they followed him.

xxx

Much to Harry's surprise they arrived with everyone else. Harry wondered if anybody had even noticed they had not been on the train.

"Hi, Harry," said Seamus, but he gave Harry an odd look. Harry didn't notice. There was a Sorting – Slytherin got the least amount of students sorted into it and Gryffindor got the most.

Harry turned to look where Draco was sitting. He was sitting in between Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini.

"So, Harry, how are you doing?" asked Neville finally breaking the awkward silence. Harry turned to find himself being the recipient of odd looks.

Briefly he turned to look at Draco, who looked up at him. He too was getting strange looks, Harry noticed.

I have no idea what's going on, Harry heard Draco tell him silently. Harry didn't respond – he couldn't since Draco was the only telepathic one, not Harry.

Don't worry about answering; I can hear your thoughts anyway, remember? And why does everyone keep looking between you and me?

Harry shrugged. Draco lifted his glass of pumpkin juice, almost as though he were toasting Harry.

"Stop that!" said Ron, "You're scaring me. I mean, honestly, Harry! You and Malfoy have your own sign language or something!"

"Do they really?" asked Parvati, sounding interested.

"People who spend too much time together develop an understanding of the other's body language," said Hermione firmly.

"So … I heard you and Malfoy are gay?" said Seamus, the question in his voice was obvious.

Harry choked.

Ron started laughing, "Oh, no," he said, "Malfoy … well, I have my suspicions that he's gay, but Harry here's going out with Luna, aren't you, Harry?"

"Well, I haven't asked her out yet," said Harry, as he ate.

xxx

Draco hated himself. He really did. He hated the fact that he alone could take that look that went into Professor McGonagall's face when she spoke of Dumbledore's death, the fact that the Ministry of Magic could come into the – wait a minute. Draco sat up. If he allowed rumors to slip out, careful rumors that – Harry could probably take care of it.

Hey, Potter, Draco thought at Harry, I've got a plan to keep the Ministry far, far away. But I really don't want people knowing who I am. Find a place we can meet without anyone knowing and send me a word.

He saw Harry nod slightly in response. Ron turned to shoot him a dirty look.

"Oh, honestly!" said Pansy, "It's like you're the one hurting Potter! He's hurting you. It's so obvious – I cannot believe I never saw it. You like him, don't you?"

Draco, who had just taken a mouthful of pumpkin juice, choked and spat it all out on the table.

"Hey!" yelled a few of the Slytherins who got splattered.

"Pans!" he said, "Tell me later."

Draco almost felt bad for Pansy. Pansy was his best friend, but as a Death Eater's daughter, she probably had something to do this year. Hell, all the so-called Junior Death Eaters were being ordered to do something. If anything, Draco could almost positively say that more than half of the Slytherins were now Death Eaters. He really needed to speak with Professor McGonagall, who was now the new Headmistress about his sleeping arrangements.

Or she was headmistress until Dumbledore came back, Draco thought to himself. He eyed the ring on his finger. It was a silver onyx ring with a charm that made it act as two things – a portkey and a two way communicator. Draco got his orders from Dumbledore through this ring. The ring was really a Malfoy ring Draco had given to Dumbledore in order to charm it and transfigure it into what it was now.

Professor McGonagall had stood up again and spoke, "Now that we have eaten, I have a few last moment announcements to make. The new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is Madam Lethe. The next announcement I have is that we have an exchange student. Please, welcome Lafayette Strigoi-Nosferatu to Hogwarts! He was sorted into Gryffindor."

"Bloody hell!" Draco yelled before he could stop himself. The entire Hall fell silent to look at him. Draco felt his face flushing a dull pink before he cleared his throat, "Sorry," he said.

The Great Hall doors had opened and Draco Malfoy's friend who looked very much like a rebellious seventeen-year-old instead of the age he really was, entered the Great Hall. Noticing the silence he turned and then he pretended to be shocked as he walked quickly across the Hall, ignoring the whispers that told him the Gryffindor table was in the other direction.

Draco prayed that he wouldn't come toward him …

"Hiya, Drake!" he said

"Hello, Lafayette," said Draco.

"Shall I refer to you by your first name?" he asked in a deceptively sweet voice.

Draco gulped. "Er – Stu! I meant Stu!"

"Good boy, Drake. Now, move, I'm sitting with ya."

"Oh, God, please no. Don't."

"Oh, come on, Drake, ya can't be telling me you're ashamed of your ol' homie!"

"Stu!" said Draco, feeling mortified. "Um … you know what, I'm not feeling well. Good bye!" then he got up and tried to walk as fast as he could without running out the Hall.

xxx

"Okay," said Dean, watching as Draco hurried away. The professors had finally reached Lafayette. Professor McGonagall spoke to him briefly, leading him out of the Great Hall.

When Lafayette came back, he seemed subdued, almost thoughtful. "Yo," he said sitting next to Ron. Hermione frowned, looking at Lafayette. Something …

"He called you Stu!" she said suddenly, "You're Draco's old friend Stu …but that doesn't make any sense …"

"Call me Stu." Lafayette – Stu said, "I know it's weird, and all that but, I don't go by Lafayette and all that. Drake doesn't go by his first name. Don't think he's ever gone by it, either."

"Really? What's his first name?"

"Drake?" Stu shrugged, "If ya don't know, then I'm not gonna tell ya. My lips are sealed."

"How do you two know each other?" asked Parvati, curiously. Stu looked at them, all traces of friendliness gone.

"If he wants to tell ya, he'll let you all know, kay?"

Harry sighed. He frowned at the boy. Lafayette Stu Strigoi-Nosferatu was odd. He could have passed for the ages of seventeen to early twenties.

Hermione was frowning, the look on her face told Harry she was thinking about something.

Harry was glad when they left. Stu didn't speak a lot after Parvati asked him how he knew Draco.

"Come on," he said to Hermione and Ron. They got up and left the Great Hall, heading off to the Gryffindor Tower. Finding a corner inside the Gryffindor common room that was semi-private, Hermione said, "Nosferatu. That's a vampire name. It's the name of a vampire clan."

"His name's Strigoi-Nosferatu," said Ron.

"I know," said Hermione, "Strigoi is traditionally thought of as a clan of witches who make bargains with demons. They're barely even human anymore. They can mate with vampires and bear their children. These children don't usually live very long. The blood-poisoning that comes from mixing Vampire and Magic blood is usually lethal. They fight each other!"

"So, he can't be a vampire." said Harry, "I mean, does he even look like a vampire? He looks like one of those crazy people – the ones who fancy themselves vampires and dress all in black!"

"He's got purple hair." said Ron, thoughtfully, "Tonks has pink hair …"

"That's impossible." said Hermione, "If he's a vampire, then he can't have our brand of magic. But if he's gotit … It's impossible! Vampires hate witches and wizards including the Strigoi Clan!"

"Who was the last in the Vampire clan?" asked Harry curiously. Hermione frowned, "Er … Ziven Nosferatu, I think … I can't really remember much about it."

Ron opened his mouth to speak, but at that moment, the rest of the Gryffindors hurried inside. They were all chatting – talking about the latest gossip, that Draco Malfoy was gay and he had a boyfriend. The latest news on who was Lafayette – the fact that his full name was Lafayette Stuart Strigoi-Nosferatu. No one around them connected the names to what Hermione was saying.

"Well, maybe you're wrong. If he can't go out into the sun, we'll know," said Ron firmly.

xxx

"Am I to understand you do not wish to sleep in your House dormitory, Mr. Malfoy?"

Draco looked at Professor McGonagall. "You understand my position. I no longer support Voldemort. Anyone who follows Voldemort could murder me in my sleep!"

"Yes," she said slowly. Her eyes fell on the onyx ring on his finger. With a witch's intuition she knew that the ring was not a normal ring. Draco looked at her then down at his ring.

"Who is listening to us through that ring, Mr. Malfoy?" she asked softly. Draco looked up at her, his silver eyes full of surprise.

"No one," he said, "This is a Malfoy ring. I've always worn it on a chain around my neck."

Minerva McGonagall was no one's fool and she knew that someone was listening through that ring. What was more, she knew that that ring was no ordinary ring.

"They tell me you are not a Death Eater, Mr. Malfoy." She looked at him coldly, "but I do not trust you. You allowed the Death Eaters to come into the castle and hurt many people. However, I will not be responsible for the death of a student at the hands of another student. That is why I will be giving you a spare bedroom we have here in the castle. Come follow me," she said.

xxx

Stu wasn't the kind that talked and talked. Or rather, he'd been sitting in front of the fire for longer than an hour and he was answering questions in single word answers. "Yes", "Maybe", and "Nope"

Harry had never known anyone who said "Nope" before, but Stu seemed to say it. He could tell that plenty of people were curious about Stu. Everyone knew to call him Stu by now, but there was something …

"He scares me," said Hermione slowly, "I don't know why or how, but I know he scares me."

xxx

The room was on the seventh floor. Draco sighed – he was going to have to run to get to his classes on time. The castle welcomed him into the room easily, surprising Professor McGonagall. Draco reached up to touch the pendant he wore, nodding as Professor McGonagall told him how to change the passwords.

"You are free to tell your password to anyone you wish," she said brusquely. She turned to look at the blonde and froze. There in Draco Malfoy's hands was the pendant Arthur Weasley had described. Professor McGonagall had never seen it herself, but she'd known about. No one but the Founders' Heir – the one with the blood of all Four Founders running strong inside his or her veins could touch that pendant. Dumbledore who only had a small fraction of both Gryffindor and Ravenclaw blood had barely been able to hold it. Yet here was Draco Malfoy, stroking the pendant with his long, thin, and pale fingers, looking as though he were lost in thought, as though it were nothing.

Professor McGonagall felt the sudden shock as she realized what this meant. Here was the Founders' Heir. Hogwarts Castle belonged to Draco Malfoy and if by the signs that she'd noticed – the wards suddenly leaving her mind, leaving her confused and wondering why she only retained the position of Headmistress, but not the Castle's Guardian …

"Well met, Founders' Heir," she whispered.

Draco turned to look at her in some surprise before he smiled at her, "I should have known, shouldn't I? This pendant … it tells people who I am, doesn't it?"

"Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "Let no one touch that pendant. Only you can touch it without it burning your skin."

Draco looked at her before he said, in an odd reflective tone of voice, "The Ministry has already heard that I am here. They will come for me. I will be arrested and taken. I've told Hogwarts to allow them inside for us to … converse. The Minister and I … the Ministry of Magic and I – we have a great deal of things to talk about."

"They will not come for you, Mr. Malfoy! Or at least not yet," said Professor McGonagall. "They will leave us alone until they realize that they no longer have any power over Hogwarts. It was prophesied that the Heir would come to claim Hogwarts and afterwards only those that the Heir personally chose could become the Guardians of this castle. It was also prophesied that when the Heir came, everything would be changed. I will show you the book in which the Prophecy of the Heir is written."

Draco nodded slowly, looking at her.

Professor McGonagall sighed. He really was a strange boy. He didn't even look human – not with his white blonde hair, pale gray eyes and a face structure to die for. Here was a face that had the smoothness of marble. Ageless and forever frozen if it had not been for Draco Malfoy's expressive eyes. Those eyes said everything. They were odd, seeming dark as charcoal one moment and almost colorless the next.

She sighed. She really didn't know whether to trust him or not. In some ways … he reminded her of Severus Snape. Yet … Harry seemed to like him, if his arguing to trust Draco Malfoy was anything to go by …

She knew that the fact that Harry – Harry had argued that Draco Malfoy was trustworthy was the only reason why Kingsley, Tonks, Arthur, and the other Ministry of Magic officials hadn't arrested him the moment they saw him.

But should any Ministry of Magic officials that did not belong to the Order decide to investigate the rumors that Draco Malfoy was at Hogwarts … that he was with Harry Potter … they would come and try to arrest the boy.

xxx

"Harry told us you wanted to talk to us," said Hermione, when they cornered Draco inside an empty classroom. Draco looked at the three of them – Harry with his messy black hair and serious eyes, Ron with his blue eyes, red hair and crossed arms, and Hermione, who looked at him earnestly with her hair in a messy bun, and her face questioning.

"Er – yeah, I did." said Draco, "Okay, you all know who … what I am, right?"

Hermione and Harry nodded.

"Yeah, you're the Founders' Heir," said Ron. Draco nodded, running a hand through his hair.

"Tell that to everyone you know."

"What?" said Harry, "You can't –"

"I'm not asking you to tell the world, Harry, I'm asking you to tell people that the Founders' Heir has come to claim Hogwarts. Don't tell them who it is, just spread a rumor and let people think whatever they want," said Draco.

"Um … okay," said Hermione slowly. "Well, I'll be in the library looking things up on Helga's cup." She paused, "Oh, yeah, um, Draco?"

"Yeah?" he said, looking at her.

"What's your first name?"

Draco glared at her, "I'm not telling you my first name."

"Would you give us a hint?" asked Harry.

"Just the first and last letter of your name," said Ron, smiling gleefully.

Draco paused. They'd never figure it out he thought as he said, "It begins with an 'R'."

xxx

"So, how do we know whether Malfoy's a girl with a crush on Harry or just gay?" asked Seamus.

"Oh, please!" said Ginny. She didn't like this conversation.

"I don't know," said Dean, "I've never even seen him go to the bathroom."

"Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter would make such a great couple, as far as gay couples go," said Lavender thoughtfully.

"Too bad Harry's straight." said Parvati, "But I guess that just makes it sadder – Harry hasn't got a clue Malfoy's in love with him. For Malfoy's sake I hope he's a girl and not just gay."

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" said Ginny in utter frustration, "If you want to find out if he's a girl or just gay follow him into the bathroom!" Ginny got a sour look on her face when she thought about what she'd just said, "Ugh. I did not just say that."

"Hello." said Neville, joining them as he smiled brightly, "Did you hear? The Founders' Heir has come to claim Hogwarts."

"The what Heir?" asked Seamus.

Neville looked at them before he said, "Well, I heard my Gran talking about it once – back when they still didn't know if I was magic or not, she said my getting accepted here was as likely as the Founders' Heir coming to claim the castle." Neville sighed, "I asked her what that meant and she told me that the Founders' Heir would be the first person in line to inherit everything from Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff, Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin." Neville paused to see their reactions, before he continued, "So, I'm guessing it means the direct descendant of all four founders. I heard from Luna who heard it from Hermione who heard from a teacher most likely, that they're here and they're claiming Hogwarts."

"That's not possible," said Ginny flatly.

She knew who the Founders' Heir was likely to be. She'd heard it from her father. But according to her father, if Draco Malfoy claimed his blood inheritance … he would inherit Rowena Ravenclaw's powerful gift of the Sight, whatever Gryffindor's power was, Parseltongue from Slytherin, and Healing from Hufflepuff. Those four power would drive him mad … they would kill him if he tried to claim them – or turn him into a blithering idiot if he wasn't one already.

"Well, that's just what I heard. I wonder who it is … must be a First Year, don't you think?"

"Yeah … so, Neville, what do you think? Is Draco Malfoy gay or a girl?"

Ginny groaned. What had she done in her past life to deserve this?

A/N: Draco's name. Draco is his middle name for reasons you'll find out later on (uf ever). I will be dropping hints as to what his name is and you're welcomed to guess it, but his first name will be revealed in time.

Oh, yeah, this is a REMINDER -- this is a parody (somewhat) and it is silly (in my opinion) and implausible!

P.S: Question... anybody notice that I've said it over and over that this story is done? As in all I've got to do now is post it up... No offense meant by that... it's just a random question.

Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:

None that I'm aware of with the exception of Draco's first statement in this chapter, which is an adapted quote from Buffy

Review Response:

Primeval Eidolon Scar

NinjaoftheDarkness: I'm glad you liked it! This is kinda random and I don't know if you really care or not, but I just realized you're on my favorites list. Well, one of the stories you've written is.

Ranma Higurashi

SLNS: Believe it or not, I actually agree with you on that one -- about their relationship. They're cute kinda like Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush (?) were, but...you saw what happened there (if you follow those things). Phoenix might not agree though… hell, he most definitely will not. Oh, yeah, on the Girl!Draco... I'm working on it. Might want to keep an eye out of that one 'cause soon as I'm done, I'll post it up.

Night Essence: eh? Why you worried about Draco's health? He's just tired from running around all over the place.

Anyway, thanks for reviewing you guys!

Goodbye! (Obviously, it's English ;) )

Keir, the evil genius