I heard we'll be arriving in New York in a day or so, I don't exactly know how I should feel about it. How can I remain excited about it when Mr. Andrews isn't here? Actually, feeling anything, even grief and sadness, is a little difficult. I haven't gotten a wink of sleep since arriving on this ship! I'm afraid to sleep, I'm afraid of what waits for me in my dreams. Sleep used to be so comforting, one of my favorite things, and yet now when I try to close my eyes for a moment, all I can see is Titanic disappearing into the dark depths of the ocean, all I can hear are the screams of people begging for their lives to be spared. Besides, I have to stay awake and look after Mr. Ismay, he needs me.
Finding him was no easy challenge, and even when I did find him, I didn't really find him. All I found was a shell of the man that once used to be Mr. Ismay. He was absolutely beside himself with guilt, and when he saw me he let out the most pitiful sob I ever heard, clinging to me as though his life depended on me! I tried to console him as best I could, like he had for me in the lifeboat. But I just couldn't do enough for him, and eventually one of the ship's doctors came and actually drugged him!
Since then, Mr. Ismay hasn't really been doing much. He slept once or twice, because of the medication, but otherwise he has been doing a lot of nothing. Which, is exactly what I've been doing! A whole lot of nothing! I haven't even gotten to go out and see Joey again, like I said I would. I feel incredibly guilty to have ditched him, but Mr. Ismay simply needs me here. He needs someone to watch him, what if he tries to do something stupid because of the guilt? Even when he's drugged, I simply don't trust him alone. Who knows what he'll do, who knows? I know he's a grown man, but everything seems to be backwards, Titanic being on the bottom of the ocean, the world may not have ended because of it but it's changed completely!
Well, I think I've memorized the interior of this cabin by now, because all I seem to do is stare at the walls, or the floor, or sometimes I'll even lie on my back on the floor and stare at the ceiling! When I'm not staring at the room, I'm staring at my father's pocketwatch, watching the second hand tick away. It's the only normal thing I can think of to comfort me, when my father was here this watch was ticking, and even now when the watch's master is lost forever, it still ticks steadily away.
That's what I'm doing right now, staring at the watch. I've been lying on the floor with the watch in front of my face for about five minutes. I think Mr. Ismay is sleeping again, at least he was last time I checked in on him. We don't speak to each other, actually he has hardly said a word to anyone, the last time I heard his voice he was ordering the doctor to allow me to stay in the cabin with him. At least he's slightly aware of my presence! He won't talk to me though, even when I try to coax a few words out of him. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say to me, which is fine, I suppose even if I could get Mr. Ismay to speak, I wouldn't know what to speak to him about either. Titanic was all he used to talk about, now it's gone.
This floor is so comfortable! Well, maybe not that comfortable, but I like lying here on the plush carpet. My father's coat acting as a blanket also makes me feel very warm, I can't sleep though, sleeping is bad! But oh, the ticking of the watch is steadily pulling me to sleep. I don't want to sleep! But, but I can't even fight it anymore! Maybe just a minute, I'll just close my eyes for a moment, just to rest. Ah, that feels so good!
I'm still fearful that I'll have a dream. But so far, nothing about the Titanic has invaded my slumber. Dreamless sleep is fine, but if I must have a dream, I hope it's a good one, with chocolate rivers and hills made of ice cream. That sounds like a fun place to be, oh and there have to be horses there too! I want horses in my dreamland! All different ones, with colored ribbons in their manes! And the leader of my group of horses will be a mighty grey one, with a black mane and tail and a white spot on his forhead just like in the picture! Maybe they'll have wings, so they can fly! And I'll ride on their backs as we soar over the sugar coated clouds!
Even though I keep thinking about all the lovely things I'd like to see in my dream, I suddenly find myself on Titanic. No! This is exactly what I didn't want to happen! I didn't want to see this ship ever again! Not even in my dreams! I look around frantically, nobody's screaming, as far as I can hear, nobody's dying. Maybe it won't be so bad, maybe I'm just on the ship like before it sank, when I thought is was the best place in the whole wide world! Wait a minute, I'm standing in the smoking room again! No! This is just like the sinking! Except, the floor is tilting at a much sharper incline than I remember. If I'm here, then my father must be, yes! He's still there! By the fireplace, hanging onto the mantle!
His head is bowed and he doesn't seem to notice me. "Daddy?" I call, he doesn't hear me! I try to approach him, but it's as though my feet have been nailed to the floor! The ship creaks and I begin to tremble with fear, something is definately going to happen, something terrible. Oh god don't let me see it, I don't want to see anything! My father looks up briefly, adjusting the clock, before bowing his head and closing his eyes once more. What does that clock say? 2:15? And from what I've heard, Titanic completely vanished at 2:20. That means only 5 minutes! Oh please don't let me see something terrible! Please don't let me! I feel tears slip down my cheeks and I can't stop shaking from the fright, I don't want to see this! I'm so scared! What's going to happen to him, to me?
Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, the windows shatter and water pours in! My father barely has time to raise his head and look before the wave has crashed into him, smashing him into the mantle and knocking him unconscious. I try to call out for him but the same wave that crashed into him takes me down. Help! I can't swim! Oh this water is cold! So cold! It's as though I'm being stabbed a thousand times all over! I try again to call out for my father again but saltwater fills my mouth and I cough. I can't swim! Somebody help me! Save me! Save my father! I don't even know where he is! The water sucks me under, please save me! Somebody save me I'm going to die!
There's a voice calling for me, help me help me! Whoever you are please save me! I'm going to die! I can't breath! Suddenly I jolt awake, gasping for air, oh god it was only a dream! Thank god! I begin to cry, in spite of me wanting to stay strong for the remainder of the voyage I cry! "Alice, please don't cry! It was only a dream, you're safe" a gentle voice speaks from my side. I turn my head to see Mr. Ismay sitting in a chair next to my bed, stroking my hand gently and trying to sooth me "It's alright" he tries to assure me again. I suddenly realize I'm not on the floor, where I fell asleep in the first place, I'm lying on a bed.
For a moment though, I can't think of anything but what I just saw. It was horrible, I never want to see it again! I reach around me to pull my father's coat closer for comfort, but I notice I'm not wearing it anymore! I look around frantically "Where is it?" I gasp, turning to Mr. Ismay "Where did you put it?" I demand. He stands up and crosses the room quickly, where I can see he has carefully draped it over the back of a chair. He picks it up wordlessly, and then brings it back to me, I rip it from him and hug it tightly, burying my face in the fabric and turning away from Mr. Ismay. I'll never let it go, and Mr. Ismay isn't going to lay a hand on it ever again! I was a fool to let daddy go, I should have stayed there and died with him! After everything he's done for me and he died alone in the most horrible way!
Mr. Ismay hushes me "Alice, listen to me. Whatever you saw in your dream, it wasn't real" he tells me, placing a gentle hand on my arm. I shake my head and continue to cry "Oh no Uncle Ismay" I sob "It was real, it had to have been real!". He stares at me with a surprised look on his face "What did you just call me?" he asks. I turn around and look at him, sniffling "What?" I ask, what is he talking about? His voice trembles as he hands me a handkerchief "You just called me your Uncle!" he tells me. Did I just call him that? I suppose I didn't realize it in the moment, I smile slightly "I'm sorry" I tell him, I'm not sorry.
He shakes his head "No, it's alright" he tells me, patting my hand before running a hand through his hair. Usually it's slicked perfectly, but it's completely disheveled now. Actually, Mr. Ismay's overall appearance is disheveled, he's still in his pajamas, which are completely wrinkled, and besides the mustache, he's usually pretty clean shaven, which isn't the case now. He sighs and looks at me "Why didn't you tell me you were tired? You shouldn't have gone to sleep on the floor" he tells me gently. "I didn't mean to sleep on the floor Mr. Ismay, it just happened" I reply, it's the truth! I hadn't even meant to fall asleep in the first place!
"This is your father's pocket watch isn't it?" he asks suddenly, holding up the golden watch by the chain, dangling it in front of me. I reach out and take it back from him, putting it back carefully into the pocket of my father's coat "It was in his coat pocket, which he put on me to keep warm" I reply honestly. I don't really want to talk about this, but I have no one else left to open up to. Something tells me Mr. Ismay doesn't have anyone to open up to either, maybe it would be best if I told him some things, then maybe he'd open up just a little bit.
I reach into the coat pocket and pull out my father's journal "I found this too!". I run my hand over the cover of it before holding it out to Mr. Ismay "I want to read it, but I don't know how to read very well" I admit. He takes the journal from me carefully, as though it will burst into flames the minute he touches it. He opens it to a random page and begins reading it, as his eyes scan the page I can see the color slowly draining from his face. Hey! Mr. Ismay can read it! Maybe he'll read it out loud for me so I can know what it says! It's worth a shot!
Before I can answer he quickly shuts the book and gives it back to me, I push it back towards him "Mr. Ismay, since I can't read it, maybe, could you read it to me?" I ask. He stares at the journal a long time before swallowing "Alice, I think that this is something you need to read on your own someday. It's not something that should be read to you, don't share it with anyone. Understand?" he asks. I don't understand, why can't he just read it to me? He knew my father! I shake my head "But Mr. Ismay! I don't know how to read!" I press, he looks back down at the journal before pushing it to me once more "One day you'll learn how to read, then you will be able to read it for yourself".
We sit in silence before Mr. Ismay pats my hand "I think you should try to sleep a little bit. We'll be arriving in New York tomorrow. It's..." he pauses, like he's searching for the right words "It's going to be a big day". He stands to leave but I reach out and grab his arm "Wait! What's going to happen to me when we get to New York?". I have to make sure, if he tells me I'm on my own, then I'll have to go find Joey first thing tomorrow morning. But if he tells me to stay with him, then obviously I'll be staying with Mr. Ismay.
He sits back down in the chair next to the bed, he looks so sad, like he's pleading something of me. What do I have to give him though? I've given him everything I can already! Finally he speaks "Alice, I've wronged a lot of people. But if there's one person I wronged more than anyone, it was your father. If it weren't for me, he'd be here with you and you wouldn't be asking me this. Keeping you with me, making sure you make it back to Belfast, it's the least I can do for him" his voice pitches slightly as he speaks. Oh no, I didn't mean to make him cry! Please don't cry! I won't ask anymore questions! I'll be a good girl!
Even though I think he's on the verge of another breakdown, he continues "You're going to stay with me, and whatever you want you promise not to be afraid to ask me! Do you promise it?" he asks. I nod and he seems slightly relieved "I want to ask you one more thing" he says, softly "Can you ever forgive me?". Forgive him? For what? He hasn't done anything wrong! He has done nothing but try to support me as best he could, and yet he's sitting here begging me to forgive him! Does he believe my father's death, along with the deaths of all those passengers, is his fault? It isn't! Never! It was nobody's fault, I think. What do I say though? Do I forgive him? Do I tell him there's nothing to forgive?
"I forgive you Uncle Ismay" I finally reply, I think it was the best answer. He sighs and even smiles slightly before standing "Rest now, you're going to want to have your wits about you when we arrive tomorrow". With that, he's gone, leaving me to lie in this bed alone. He didn't even bid me goodnight! Gee thanks, well at least I know he cares about me a little bit, even if it is out of misplaced guilt. He told me to go to sleep, but after that dream I just woke up from, how can I possibly go to sleep? Just the thought of it makes my eyes brim with tears! I wipe them away quickly and close my eyes. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts!
There's one happy thought that springs to the front of my mind. It's a random memory, but one I've always cherished. It was January in Belfast, and it had snowed a lot the past day or so. I had been dying of cabin fever for a while, and Mr. Andrews offered to take me into town for a walk because everyone at the shipyard had the day off due to the snow. He said the air would do me some good, even though my mother argued that we'd catch cold!
The two of us left the house, both dressed in the warmest coats and hats we owned. Honestly, I don't think Mr. Andrews' hat was very warm, it was more 'in style' than warm. But it didn't matter then, I was finally getting out of that blasted house! Sure I loved the house, but I needed to get outside! We walked down a couple of streets, and I remember asking my father lots of questions as we walked, in my usual fashion. He answered every single one that I threw at him, I think he secretly enjoyed answering them even on the occations he had to remind me not to be rude. Eventually, we had walked all the way to the park, which was quite far from our house! My father decided to sit on a bench and rest for a moment, I decided to explore.
I spent a few minutes investigating the snow itself, because as a young girl I'd never been allowed to even touch it. I kicked it, I made footprints, I sat in it. Eventually I figured out that I could pack it into different shapes. How the gears turned in my mind as I packed a handful of snow into a ball, I looked up at Mr. Andrews, he was totally unsuspecting, he was reading the newspaper! Trying to stifle my giggles, I took the ball and hurled it at him, pegging him in the shoulder. He looks up from the paper with a surprised and indignified look on his face, which caused me to laugh. He brushed the snow off his shoulder before standing up, scooping up snow and patting it into a ball, throwing it at me. I dodged out of the way and quickly made another ball of snow, throwing it at him and hitting him again. I had good aim!
The snow war waged for a while, and ended when I dodged a snowball and it pegged a lady in the back of the head. We both immediately jumped as it made contact with her and my father stood there startled, having no idea what to do. Being the gentleman he was, I don't think he ever hit anyone with anything, he probably panicked over what to do about it! I'd learned from experience exactly what to do in situations like this though! I ran up to him, grabbed him by the hand and began racing out of the park with my head ducked, he took after my example and we both high tailed it out of there!
How we laughed once we were safe from that woman though! I told him that he needed to work on his aim, which he responded to by saying he was going easy on me! The look on his face when he pegged that lady though, it told otherwise! He still couldn't believe he'd hit her, I couldn't believe it either, which made it that much more funny! When we returned home, we both settled in front of the fireplace together and talked about something. I can't remember exactly what, but I ended up falling asleep to the sound of his voice.
Thinking about him talking is beginning to lull me to sleep in the present. I hug his coat closet to my chest, I miss him so much! But I'm not afraid to sleep now though, because as frightening as my nightmare was, I got to see my father! Just for that, I would go through it again! Hopefully though, whatever happens in my dreams now won't be half as scary, maybe I'll actually have a good dream. I need a good dream.
AAAARRRRRRG! FILLER! I hate this chapter. There are a few things I don't mind about it I guess, but it's kind of hard to write Alice. She can't exactly be her jovial self with everything she stood for at the bottom of the ocean.
Next chapter should be a little bit better. Will probably be either the last chapter before the epilouge or the second to last! So, we're almost at the end! Once again, THANK YOU FOR READING!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! One of the reasons this took so long was because I got no reviews, not even 1, and that made me very sad :( So, please review! Even if it's bad! Just tell me! Thanks!