Author's Note: Sorry for the wait, guys. Life's been crazy, and it's only just now that it's slowing down. So, here's chapter ten! I had a lot of fun writing this, so I hope you have a lot of fun reading it, too. The next chapter won't take me so long, I promise! I just need some inspiration (by inspiration, I mean reviews).
Six Weeks
Chapter 10
Pam was in an extremely chipper mood this morning, and Jim had no idea why. She hummed softly as she made coffee in the break room, and Jim could have sworn she bounced to the fax machine. He also noticed that Kelly was lingering around the reception desk, and Pam didn't seem to mind at all. Maybe she was so giddy because he hadn't messed with her in a couple of days, but that didn't explain Kelly, and he also knew that Pam was too smart to not stay on her toes. Jim fully intended to prank her today, and he was sure it would lead to her telling their coworkers the truth a full week before the deadline he'd set. When he told her that this morning, she'd laughed. He'd definitely make her pay for that.
But first, he had to get to the bottom of his fiancée's mood. He walked up to reception and leaned on the desk, picking a few jellybeans out of the ever-present jar and tossing them into his mouth. As soon as he bit down, his face morphed from an expression of curiosity and contentment to one of pure, unadulterated horror as his mouth was filled with the taste of vomit and other foul things he couldn't name but definitely did not like. These were not ordinary jelly beans, and Pam's giggle confirmed his suspicions that he had been gotten. He forced himself to swallow, his eyes watering.
"That…was uncalled for."
"What, you don't like the Harry Potter jellybeans? I guess I'll have to throw out my Thanksgiving Jones Sodas."
Jim was about to make a witty reply when Michael walked in with a large piece of butcher paper. Pam's face lit up in excitement and Kelly started bouncing and chanting "belly tracing day!" as Michael taped the paper up behind Pam's desk. Within seconds it seemed the entire office was crowded around reception, and Jim found himself squished uncomfortably between Kevin and Kelly.
"Okay, Pammaroo! You know the drill. Sweater off, back straight and against the dotted line."
Pam smiled and she did as she was told, even making a show of standing up perfectly straight. She took off her cardigan and Jim's posture stiffened. The top button of her blouse was undone, and the two below it were straining to stay closed. Jim found that his mouth was uncomfortably dry, and the Harry Potter jellybean aftertaste definitely was not helping.
"Mom boobs," Kevin said. "Nice."
Jim expected her to be offended, maybe even to cry a little. With Pam's hormones, you could never tell what her reactions were going to be. It was almost as if her emotions were crumpled pieces of paper in a top hat, and every time anyone said anything, she picked one out and ran with it. But today, it didn't seem like anything could get Pam down.
"Kevin, we had a deal. I guess I get to keep your M&Ms at my desk for the rest of the day."
Jim had never seen Kevin look so heartbroken, not even in the days after Stacy left him, as he left reception to get his prized jar of M&Ms. Michael pulled a Sharpie out of his pocket and moved to trace Pam's belly. When he finished, he asked Kelly for a ruler like a surgeon
demanded a scalpel. Pam moved aside as Michael meticulously measured the distance from the curve marked "4" to the one marked "5".
"Well, Michael? How much have I grown this month?"
"Patience, Pamela," Dwight scolded. "Precise measurements take ti-"
"THREE AND FIVE EIGHTHS!"
… … …
Lunchtime came and went without even a hint of Jim's Amazing Prank. Pam was getting more and more anxious as time passed. When Andy approached her desk around three, Pam had to struggle to keep from ripping his head off, and all he'd done so far was lean against the reception desk.
"So, Pam," he started, leering at her in a way he must've thought was suave. "You're single, right?"
Pam glanced at Jim, who was pretending to focus on his computer screen. Despite his efforts, Pam could see the small smirk on his face and knew that this was it.
"Yup. I'm single."
"How'd you like not to be?"
"Excuse me?"
"Look, I know you're pregnant and all, but Andy Bernard is not a picky guy. Instant family! Score! He's also a Pisces, avid speedskater, and speaks fluent pig latin. At-whay oo-day ou-yay ay-say Am-Pay?" He punctuated the sentence with a confident half-nod.
"Oh…my."
"Is that a yes?"
"No."
"What if I gave you this?"
Between his thumb and forefinger, Andy held a small diamond ring. No wonder Jim had reminded her to take her ring off when they got back to the office after lunch. She would not fall for this.
"Really?"
At this, Andy got down on one knee, offering the ring up to her. "Pamela…Elizabeth? Beesly, will you do me the honor of being my wife?"
"Absolutely not."
"Wh…Why not?"
"Because Jim put you up to this."
"How did y- no he didn't. I've been admiring you from afar for weeks."
"What's my middle name again?"
Andy shot a panicked glance at Jim, who suddenly became interested in his computer screen.
"It starts with an M."
"I totally knew that, Pamela…Madeleine Beesly."
"That's a pretty name. Unfortunately, it isn't mine."
"Marie."
"Nope."
"Michelle."
"Gross."
"Mi…misiku."
"What?"
"That is the name of the kid from Jungle 2 Jungle," Jim piped up from his desk.
"Oh! Classic. Not my name, though."
"Miranda."
"Maybe, if I was a mermaid."
"So, not Miranda."
"No."
"Mary."
"No."
"Matilda."
"Still no."
"Hey Pam, are you sure it's an M?"
"You know, Jim, I'm really not. It could be some other letter."
"Maybe the M is silent," he offered. Pam looked intrigued.
"Like Johnny Mnemonic," Dwight added.
"Oh, come on! I can't feel my knee!"
"Your knee or your mknee?" Jim asked.
"What? My knee. My knee is numb."
"You're sure it's not your mknee?"
"That's what I said."
"Oh, but it isn't."
… … …
It had ended in Pam and Jim, with Dwight's assistance, somehow confusing Andy to the point of punching a wall. Though the entire ordeal was about thirty minutes of pure torture for Pam, she hadn't spilled the beans. Jim, frankly, was running out of ideas.
Fortunately for Jim, he wouldn't have to think of one.
"I think we broke his brain," Pam giggled to Jim across the reception desk.
"I feel kinda bad, though. I mean, I know it was only a matter of time, but still. We got a guy sent to anger management."
"I know! It's like, a record for us."
"That's a horrible thing to say."
"Whatever. You love me."
For the second time that day, Jim's coming reply was cut off by someone walking through the door and stealing Pam's attention. But unlike the first time, Pam's reaction wasn't a happy squeal. Instead, her face went ghostly pale and her hands went protectively to her belly.
"Well isn't this cute!" Roy snarled. "Mama Pam and Papa Halpert making moony-eyes at each other."
Roy's eyes were bloodshot, dark circles around them as if he'd rubbed his eyes with ink on his hands. He looked like he hadn't slept, or shaved, or been sober in months. His beard was scraggly and unkempt, his warehouse shirt stained on the collar and only half tucked-in. Pam wondered if he even knew how to do his own laundry. Roy stumbled toward them, gesturing haphazardly at the couple.
"What a nice family portrait we got here," he slurred. "Mommy and Daddy and baby makes three. How fucking sweet."
"Roy, you shouldn't be up here," Pam protested softly.
"Really? You know where I shouldn't be?" he yelled. "That's just dandy because you didn't seem to know you shouldn't be fucking Halpert a month and a half before our wedding!"
If that hadn't gotten the office's attention, Pam didn't know what would. Her face suddenly filled with color.
"Roy! Leave, now!" At her raised voice, Dwight rose from his desk and stood at attention. Pam shot a glance in his direction, which he returned with a determined nod. Pam would never, in a million years, admit that the gesture was somewhat comforting.
"Oh, relax, would ya Pammy? I'm not here to talk to you. I just want to say a few things to Halpert."
The following moments would forever be a blur in Pam's memory.
The punch was the hardest one that Roy had ever thrown, and surprisingly on-target given his blood-alcohol content. His fist landed with a sickening crack! on Jim's face, and Pam knew from the sound that one of them had broken something, hoping it was Roy's knuckles rather than Jim's nose. Jim landed on the carpet with a dull thud, and Pam flew to his side, lightly slapping his cheeks to wake him up. Without a moment's hesitation, Dwight launched himself over his desk and tackled Roy to the ground, armed with a small can of pepper spray.
… … …
Jim could hear Pam's voice through the blackness.
"Dwight, he doesn't need CPR. He's breathing fine."
Jim could hear the familiar rustle of fabric, and felt a pair of hands lift his head, then put it back down on something soft. Then he heard Dwight's insistent voice.
"Pamela," he said gravely. "Jim's life is at stake here. You have to trust me."
No, if my life was at stake there would be trained paramedics giving me CPR. You are a volunteer sheriff's deputy. On the weekends.
He felt fingers hold his nostrils closed and warm exhalation on his mouth, and it dawned on him exactly what was about to happen. Jim willed himself to regain consciousness.
Come on, Jim. Wake up, he thought. Dwight is about to touch you. With his mouth. Wake the fuck up. This has ceased to be funny. Wake. Up.
Nothing.
Jim felt Dwight's lips touch his, and that was enough. He sat up with a start, effectively hitting his bruised nose on Dwight's face, the intense pain making his eyes water. Dwight reached out to push Jim back down, but Jim pushed his arm out of the way and stood.
"What the hell, Dwight! Were you just trying to kiss me?"
"I was only trying to save your life, Jim."
"Last time I checked, Dwight, people who are breathing don't need CPR, which leads me to believe that you were taking advantage of me in my unconscious state."
"That is one hundred percent fallacy! Michael!"
Dwight made a beeline for Michael's office, and Jim gestured for Pam to stand next to him. He held the bridge of his nose between his fingers as they faced the crowd that had assembled. Pam pulled her engagement ring out of her pocket and slipped it on.
"Well," Jim started. "This isn't the way we wanted to tell you guys, but here it is. Pam and I are engaged."
"And as far as this goes," Pam said, pointing to her belly. "Those of you who bet on Jim can collect."
They heard a "Yes!" and an "I knew it!" from the back of the crowd, while Phyllis and Oscar simply smiled slyly and quietly made their way to Kevin's desk. Angela glared. Stanley hadn't looked up from his crossword puzzle throughout the entire ordeal, and Kelly had about six million questions for them, squealed so fast and excitedly that they were barely intelligible.
Jim had never been so happy to have just been punched in the face.
"Kelly! Pause!" Pam commanded. "We have to go to the hospital. Why don't you write all of your questions down and put them in my inbox, okay? I'll answer all of them when we get back."
Kelly bounce-walked back to the annex while Pam and Jim let Michael know they were leaving. Right when they got to the door, they heard a shout from inside.
"Jim, stay out there! Only Pam!"
Pam and Jim exchanged curious looks before Pam went into Michael's office alone. Michael was sitting behind his desk, his hands folded in front of him. His posture was completely normal, which was Pam's first indication that something was wrong. A quick look at his face confirmed it; something big was bothering him, and he wanted Pam to know about it.
"Is something wrong, Michael?"
As soon as it came out of her mouth, Pam knew she shouldn't have said it. She blamed her hormones; her brand new motherly instinct had her providing a listening ear to everyone in the office who needed it, whether she wanted to or not. And when Michael looked up at her, expression serious and ready to talk, she knew she was in for it.
"I just…can't believe you didn't tell me it was Jim's" Michael whined. "I mean, I am your boss. When two of my employees do it, I should be the first person to know! I should be in the loop about these things, Pam, and you left me out of it."
"Michael, we left everyone out of it, not just you."
"But I'm your friend, Pam! And friends share! Pass that on to Jim, too."
"Jim's right outside; you can tell him yourself."
"No…Blood really…just weirds me out. And I'm mad at him."
"Michael, we're sorry we didn't tell you. We just weren't ready to have everybody in the office know yet."
Michael waved his hands dismissively, and Pam's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"No, no. I lost twenty bucks."
"Okay. How is that Jim's fault?"
"He told me to bet on Creed."