I do not own the Young Riders
Finally an update I have been on holiday and was able to take some time out and do some writing. I am so sorry with my lack of updates, I really am. So for those who are still sticking with me I hope you enjoy, though it's going to be a bumpy one. xx
Last chapter
"You make me smile just by hearing your name. I trust you with myself and with my daughter. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it is everything for me. You are passionate, strong, kind, considerate and sweet. Your arms….," Lou closed her eyes lost in the memory, "When you have fallen asleep, tighten around me, making me feel safe, wanted…even loved."
Lou couldn't back track now, even if she wanted too. She had not planned for all of this to come out. Not now, not ever.
"I'm falling for you." She breathed out as if it was a relief to finally get it out there.
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.
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Jimmy stood stock still hoping like hell he had heard rightly.
Lou was falling for him.
He had been falling in love with her since the moment he had seen her again, and here she was finally admitting what he had longed to hear for what felt like an eternity.
He watched her become nervous and unsure of herself and before he had a chance to question the sudden mood change, he realised he had not yet answered her.
Taking a bold step forward he raised his arms and grabbed her face within his hands. He felt his face soften and he begun to smile, his thumbs caressed the soft skin of her cheeks before he leant in and captured her mouth with his.
Lou's lips sat still and frozen against his at first, shock taking over her but she couldn't deny that Jimmy was sparking some light inside of her; she couldn't resist how good he felt, how good he made her feel.
Jimmy's arms wrapped securely and lovingly around her. She could feel his strong hands resting on her back, his hard chest pressed up against her soft one.
Their feet were moving in their own dance, as he bought his hands back to her face. He held her delicately in his hands. His fingers stroking her cheeks once again as his mouth still held hers capture.
Once Lou realised this was Jimmy's way of answering her, she relaxed and started kissing him back with just as much force.
It felt like they had been there for hours, but it was more like a few minutes when Lou realised just how quickly this was moving.
She hadn't been touched like this in so long; her whole body was on fire as Jimmy's hands were now moving all over her body.
"We have to stop," Lou breathed as she pulled her mouth from Jimmy's. Jimmy how ever let his lips kiss their way down her jaw and to her slender neck.
"I don't think I can," he mumbled against her skin.
"I need to do this slowly Jimmy. I have Lily to think about and I have a lot of demons to rid myself of," She told him honestly.
"You don't have to rid of them alone." Jimmy told her seriously, "And Lily loves me, I'm sure she will be ok with this." He smiled.
"Lily does love you, that's why we have to take this slow. Jimmy you are the only father she will ever know, I can't rush into this and set her hopes up before we know we can make this work." Lou rasped feeling breathless.
"I love you Lou, please let me love you," He whispered as his hands once again took hold of her face so he could kiss her sweet lips once again.
Lou moaned out loud, she wanted nothing more for this to go further, but her mind couldn't help but go back to the last time a man had been there. She knew that Jimmy would never hurt her physically, but the fear was still there.
She needed Jimmy, but she needed him in baby steps.
"Jimmy please…" Lou moaned hoping he knew what it was she was begging for.
Jimmy was not going to deny that he hated that he had to stop. He has imagined kissing Lou for some time now, and now that he has it was ten times better than his imagination could ever pretend it was.
But Jimmy knew that Lou had to do this her way, and so would he. He would give her what she needed and when.
Pulling back he kissed her on the forehead, "We'll take this slow," he agreed.
Lou beamed up at him, she hadn't felt this happy or this giddy in sometime.
"Are you two done?" Cody enquired as he knocked loudly on the door. Lou laughed while Jimmy rolled his eyes.
.
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It took them all two full days to get everything moved over and unpacked. Tiffany and Cody, although grateful for the cottage, kept trying to get Lou to change her mind. But Lou wouldn't have it.
She was happy to be in the new bunkhouse with Jimmy and Buck.
Lou had been sleeping with Lily in her bed for so long now it was becoming a challenge to try and get her daughter back in her own bed.
Lily had cried and she had cried, but Lou was staying strong and kept insisting that she needed to do this.
So still on her third night she was trying everything she could to keep the wee girl in her own bed. Lou was tired and she was grumpy, which was not helping the situation at all.
"Lily please sweetheart, if you stay in your bed like a big girl then Mama will take you to get a bag of your favourite sweets tomorrow." Lou finally bargained.
Lily hiccupped as she considered her Mothers words.
"Da..'ellow… ones?" Lily asked,
"Yes the yellow ones. " Lou promised. "Now please lye back Lily," Lou pulled the blanket up and over Lily tucking her in on both sides, "And get some sleep. I'm going to bed to, I'm going to right next to you," Lou reassured her daughter.
"Meme?" Lily questioned as she looked over to where his cot sat, seeing it was empty.
"Jimmy is busy helping Buck, he will be in soon." Lou told her and kissed her goodnight.
Lou slipped out of her dress and slipped into her nightgown before dimming the lamp. It was a sign to let Buck and Jimmy know that it was alright to come into the bunkhouse.
Jimmy came in alone. After he changed he got in the bed with Lou and wrapped his arms around her. Lou let her body melt into his. Her strength in taking their relationship slow was fading quickly.
"She's asleep," Jimmy smiled into Lou's ear.
"I promised sweets," Lou laughed, "But I do think she is getting use to her bed."
"I do to. It only took an hour tonight," he pointed out. The night before Lily was awake for half the night.
"You and Buck must regret letting Lily and I move in here."
"We regret nothing of the sort," Jimmy whispered in her ear as his hands glided up her thighs pushing her nightgown further up her body.
She loved the feel of his big rough hands gently caressing parts of her body. His lips nibbled at her ear and his legs tangled with hers.
"I could never do this with Cody," Jimmy laughed as he ghosted his fingers under her breasts.
Lou's breathing hitched, but she didn't stop him.
She was falling in love with him every minute of the day but at night in felt like he owned a new part of her heart every other second.
Jimmy caressed her breasts with the palms of his hands as his thumbs feathered over her nipples. He moaned at the feel of them hardening under his touch.
Lou let her head fall back onto his shoulder. She never imagined her breasts giving her pleasure, but what Jimmy was doing sent a searing hot need to her core.
Jimmy smiled into Lou's hair. He could tell Lou loved what he was doing to her and he loved that she trusted him with her body. He wouldn't take it further than that tonight, but they both fell asleep with smiles on their faces.
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"You girls have a good day," Jimmy told them as he lifted Lily up onto the buckboard next to Rachel.
"You to, and good luck with the cattle," Lou smiled flinging her arms around Jimmy's neck and kissing him goodbye.
Jimmy wrapped his arms around Lou lifting her so her feet were only just dangling off of the ground. He spun her around kissing her deeply before placing her back on her feet.
A small giggle was heard from the buckboard. Both Jimmy and Lou looked up to see Lily with her wee hand over her mouth while she giggled behind it.
"You think that's funny do you little miss?" Lou asked reaching out to tickle her tummy. Lily was too giggly to answer but nodded her head yes.
Rachel, Jimmy and Lou all laughed with her while saying their goodbyes.
Cody and Jimmy were going to see about some cattle they had been unsuccessful yesterday so all fingers were crossed for today, while Lou and Rachel headed into Rock Creek.
.
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Rachel, Lou and Lily arrived in Rock Creek and set off to get all their jobs done. They were hoping to get what they needed and then visit with Teaspoon and Buck at the Marshall's office before they headed back.
"Lou, will you and Lily be alright if I just head over to Betsy's? I really need some yarn for…"
"Of course Rachel, Lily and I will go and see if there is any mail for us, and then visit Teaspoon."
"Alright love, I will meet you both there." Rachel smiled. She was so happy Lou had not been hiding herself away. After everything that had happened to the poor girl, she was amazed at the strength that she was showing.
Lou held Lily's small hand and together they made their way to the telegraph post. Lou smiled down at her daughter who skipped her small legs.
"Lily you were such a good girl last night for staying in your bed, Mama is very proud of you." She smiled at her daughter when she saw that her words of praise made Lily's face light up with pride for herself.
"I's a get a sweetie?" Lily asked.
"Yes baby you do," Lou laughed leaning down to kiss the top of Lily's head. "But first let's go and see if we have any mail to collect."
"Ok Mama,"
Lou and Lily skipped all the way to the telegraph post, laughing and giggling as they did so. Once there Lou requested the mail from Henry, who was usually very polite and very chatty, but today, seemed to throw the small bundle of letters on the counter in front of Lou before turning his back on her.
"Thank you," Lou muttered as she looked at the back of his head. Thinking maybe it was just a bad day for him Lou turned her and Lily around and headed out of the store.
"Sweetie now Mama?" Lily asked sounding hopeful.
Lou was about to reply, when three women walked up and stood in front of them blocking their path.
"You should be ashamed of yourself." One of the old ladies hissed at Lou. Lou stopped short, had she heard right?
"I'm sorry?" Lou questioned. Not knowing where and why these women would be speaking to her with such venom in their voices.
"No you're not, but you should be." Another told Lou, with so much hate.
"The Harrington's are good, honest people. We know what you did, everyone knows what you did." The first lady shook her head, "And you show your face, with that bastard child."
Lou was horrified, but enraged as well. She didn't think twice as her hand shot out and struck the woman who dared to speak about Lily that way.
"Don't you ever…" Lou begun, but the rude lady cut her off.
"You dare lay a hand on me. Do you know who I am?" The old cow whined as she cradled her cheek in her hands. "Why don't you do that girl a favour and let Emmett and Meredith raise their Grandchild, that way she will grow up with some morals."
Lou stood frozen as she took in this woman's words. Why would she…? How did she…?
Lou pulled Lily into her side and cupped her ears with her hands so that she would not hear the words that she wanted to say to this misinformed bunch of ninnies.
"She. Is. Not. Their. Family." Lou stressed with her teeth clenched, "Whatever you have been told you have been misinformed. So I suggest you get your fat asses on the buckboard you rode into town on and fuck off before I put a god damn bullet between your eyes." Lou was shaking with anger, and tears prickled the backs of her eyes at the assumption that these woman had made.
Horrified gasps were made by the three women but whatever they saw in Lou's eyes made them scurry away as they were told.
Lou on the other hand released Lily's ears and she kissed her sweet little head. "I'm sorry baby girl if you heard or understood any of that." Lou whispered as the tears that had been prickling her seconds ago started to fall.
Lou kept Lily in her arms and as quickly as she could, she headed head for Teaspoon's office.
Lou didn't know if it was all in her head, but people seemed to be staring at her. Had they all been witness to what had taken place before? Or were those old hags right in what they had said, everyone knew?
But knew what exactly?
The hush whispers became more and more noticeable and Lou knew in her heart that it was her they were talking about.
What had she done to deserve this?
Lou held Lily a little tighter, feeling safe with her in her arms. Lou saw Jenny sweeping outside her Fathers store, so she went to go over and say hello and ask if she knew what was going on.
"Jenny, hi," Lou greeted out loud going to place Lily on the ground only to discover she was sound asleep on her shoulder.
Jenny looked up, she seemed to be panicked as she realised that Lou was making her way over. She quickly gathered her broom and tried as quickly as she could to get back in the store and hide. She couldn't face Lou or any of them just for the time being.
As much as it killed her to do so, Jenny ran back in the store, tears were falling from her eyes as she quickly muttered an apology to her Father saying he was going to have to deal with Lou.
Lou frowned as she crossed the street with Lily. Had Jane not seen or heard her?
Lou could hear some men sniggering behind her, and she had even thought she heard a whistle, looking back she could see four men smoking while appraising her with their eyes. She looked at them in disgust especially when one winked at her.
"What is going on?" she wondered out loud to herself.
Dread was starting to fill her when different scenarios ran through her head. Lou walked over to the store hoping that Jenny had some answers for her. Because with the way everyone had been acting Lou was positive that her friend had blatantly walked away from her when she heard her call out.
Lou prayed that wasn't the case, but if it was she hoped that Jenny would be so kind to tell her why.
"Morning Tompkins," Lou smiled as she walked past the frozen statues of those who were already in the store.
"Lou," Tompkins greeted gruffly, but that wasn't unusual. "Is Jenny about?"
"No I'm sorry Lou I just sent her out back to do some jobs,"
"Well it will only take a minute." Lou told him as she made her way out the back, but Tompkins stood in her way blocking her path.
"Sorry Lou, I can't have you back there." He told her as he loomed over her. His face was hard, but his eyes were telling of a different story.
Lou frowned, at a loss of what to say or what to do. She looked behind her at the others that were in the store. They too were watching to see what was going to happen.
"I guess I will get a bag of those yellow sweets Lily likes, and be on my way," Lou said quietly, feeling very embarrassed. Lou wanted to follow through with her promise to Lily about getting some yellow sweets for being a good girl and staying in her bed.
Tompkins face dropped and his eyes glanced over Lou's head, "I'm sorry Lou I can't do that." He said as stern as he could.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that your money is no good here. I'm sorry but you are going to have to go elsewhere." Lou flinched as if he had struck her.
Tompkins seeing what his words had done to the girl broke his heart. He wished he could explain to her why, but he couldn't. He just hoped that Lou and the rest of the family understood and forgave him one day.
"I don't understand," Lou whimpered, "What is going on with everyone?" Lou looked around the store seeing that she was still centre of attention. "What have I done to you all for you to look at me that way, treat me in this manor…" Lou cried as she gripped Lily a little harder.
She turned her teary eyes back to Tompkins, "Please tell me?"
"All I can tell you Lou is that you and your family are no longer welcome in this store." He told her, his voice breaking slightly. "I'm sorry…" he whispered just loud enough for the two of them to hear.
Lou nodded as she bit her lip in hopes that it would stop her from sobbing out loud. "I'm sorry to," Lou told him, "For whatever I have done." She added softly as she turned and walked out of the store.
Not knowing how she done it, Lou had walked back across the street and was now standing inside Teaspoon's door.
She looked up to see Rachel was waving her arms around as she yelled at Teaspoon and Buck. "I am so wild Teaspoon. How dare Betsy treat me this way?" She yelled. "I have had that yarn ordered for three weeks, three weeks. My money was good enough back then,"
Lou snapped out of it when she heard that. Had Rachel been treated the same way?
"Lou?" Buck suddenly questioned when he saw her in the door way, "Lou, what's wrong?" He asked as he went to her side.
"Please can you take her?" She asked him quietly. Her arms were feeling weak and she was afraid that she might drop Lily if she held on any longer.
Buck took Lily's sleeping form from Lou and held the little girl in his arms. She woke but only for a minute. She looked up at Buck and smiled before snuggling into his shoulder.
"Tompkins just refused to sell me sweets," Lou announced, "He said that we," Lou looked around the room, "All of us were not welcome in his store. That our money was not welcome." Lou cried.
"William said that to you?" Rachel asked shocked. "That is what Betsy had said to me. Teaspoon what is going on?"
Teaspoon frowned as he looked to Lou. She wasn't looking to good. He could clearly see Rachel was angry, but Lou looked like she was going to be sick.
Lou nodded her answer to Rachel, "Then these women…" Lou cried, "They called Lily…" Lou finally wailed, she couldn't even say the word. She had heard it twice now directed to her child and it hurt her through and through to hear people talk about her that way. "…Then they told me to let Emmett and Meredith Harrington raise their Grandchild." Lou continued to cry, "They said that everyone knew what I had done." Lou looked to Teaspoon for help. She was so distraught she needed him to tell her what was going on.
"Oh Louise," Rachel cried with her. She hated seeing the young woman in tears.
"What have I done? I don't understand any of it. Is it why Betsy and Tompkins won't take our money? Is it why Jenny ran away from me? Whatever it is I have done, it must be bad…I only wish I knew."
"Jenny ran from you?" Buck asked, not liking the sound of that at all.
"She did. I called out to her and she looked up at me, but then disappeared in the store before I walked over to her, and then Tompkins wouldn't let me see her….and then…the money…I just wanted…sweets." Lou was full on wailing now as she remembered how embarrassed she was and still is. The faces of those other people flickered behind her eyes.
"I think we best get you ladies home, then Buck and I will see if we can find anything out." Teaspoon suggested, not liking anything he had just heard. Did the Harrington's believe that Lily was their Grandchild?
Buck carried Lily to the buckboard, while Teaspoon walked with Rachel and Lou.
.
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They arrived back at the ranch to see Cody and Jimmy were back and were sitting down with Tiffany having some lunch.
Jimmy looked up at the sound of the wagon, and was instantly on his feet when he saw that Buck and Teaspoon had accompanied the girls back.
"What happened?" He asked as he walked over to help Rachel and Lou from the buckboard.
He looked to Lou for answers as he helped her off the wagon with Lily asleep in her arms. "I need to put Lily in her bed, then we'll talk." Lou told him.
Jimmy watched Lou walk away, he could tell she was upset and had been crying.
"Buck, Teaspoon?"
"I don't know what to tell you,"
"You can tell me why she's been crying, or why Rachel looks like she's about to kill someone."
"I was refused service by Betsy Taylor. Betsy who I have known for years," Rachel shook her head feeling angry all over again. "I order some yarn three weeks back, I go in to collect and she tells me my money's no good. Then she hands me back the same amount I paid her and asks me to leave the store." Rachel threw her arms up, "I'm so wild."
Jimmy, Cody and Tiffany were just as confused as everyone else. "That is why Lou is so upset?" Jimmy questioned.
"No, I'm upset because the same thing happened to me, but at Tompkins store." Lou said coming up behind Jimmy.
Jimmy turned and held his arms out to her, pulling her in for a cuddle. "Tompkins refused to serve you?"
"Yes after Jenny ran away from me," Lou told him.
Buck's insides cringed when he heard that. It really didn't sound like Jenny at all. Jimmy looked up at Buck, who could only shake his head and shrug, he had no idea what was happening and why Jenny would behave like that.
"Lou honey, tell them what those ladies said," Teaspoon instructed Louise. He knew that something about the women's statement was the cause of this, or maybe the people behind this.
"I can't. I can't say what they called Lily. I hate that word and she doesn't deserve that name thrown at her."
Jimmy pulled away from Lou and looked to her with concern. "They told me that Lily would be better off with her Grandparents," Lou looked over to Tiffany, "Emmett and Meredith,"
"What?" Jimmy roared with outrage.
"They think Lily is Andrew's child?" Tiffany asked, sounding unsure and bewildered by all of this.
Lou cried out after hearing it said out loud, "They must, but I don't know why they would say that." Lou sobbed.
"We're going to find out Lou," Cody promised grabbing Tiffany's hand and leading her to the stable.
"Cody what are you doing?" Tiffany questioned as she was led away by her husband.
"We are going to pay a visit with your family and find out why folk are saying that about Lily."
Tiffany didn't put up a fight. In fact she was interested to know why as well. So as they set out to the Harrington ranch, Teaspoon and Buck rode back into town to see what they could find out about why Tompkins and Betsy felt like they could treat the girls that way.
.
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Lou and Jimmy had spent the rest of the day being with Lily. Lou had told Jimmy about slapping the woman who had called Lily a bastard, and as much as they both agreed that she deserved it, Lou was upset that her daughter witnessed it.
Lily was sad about not getting her sweets, and Lou felt really bad for letting Lily down. Lou asked her what else she wanted instead, and after much thought Lily decided she wanted to go for a ride with Jimmy.
So that is what they did.
The three of them rode out to the river and spent the day catching butterflies, and frogs. Lou was grateful for the break away from everyone, and the rest before she saw them all again.
Later that night everyone, except Lou, was gathered at the dinner table. They had all been waiting for Lily to turn in for the night before they talked.
Lou did not want to talk about it at all, and was worried about leaving Lily by herself in the bunkhouse. With all the weird behaviour in town Lou had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach and she would not risk leaving Lily alone if it wasn't necessary.
"Let me hear it," Jimmy demanded to nobody in particular.
"Shouldn't we wait for Lou?" Tiffany asked, dreading this whole conversation. Cody knew that Jimmy wanted to be prepared so he could help Lou, and from what Cody had heard today he knew that Jimmy needed a heads up to what was coming.
"The Harrington's are under the assumption that Andrew is Lily's father." Cody looked only at Jimmy when he said this, but he could hear the soft gasp from Rachel and the 'oh lordy' from Teaspoon. "Andrew has told Emmett and Meredith that Lou refuses to allow Andrew to see his child, that he only found out Lily was his when he came for the wedding, that he loved Lou and is devastated by her betrayal." Cody gripped tiffany's hand, letting her know he was there.
He knew Jimmy was going to be irate, and Tiffany was going to hear some colourful things regarding her family.
Everyone was quiet as they processed what they had just heard. And no one was ever going to admit it, but some doubt did cross one or two of their minds.
"Well it ain't true," Jimmy growled suddenly, slamming his hands on the table. He believed Lou, and you could see the Kid in Lily all the time. There was no way she was someone else's child. "You know it's not true, don't you?" He all of a sudden asked the others.
When they all took a minute to utter their of course's, he knew that there was some small doubt in their minds. "Look at that wee girl when she smiles, it is just like her fathers. She is Kids, I know she is."
"Is that it? Is that what people think?" Lou's voice questioned, making everyone jump at her voice. "And who do they think her Father is?" Lou asked coldly, but she already knew. "Andrew," she whispered, hating that his name had come from her mouth.
"He's not." Lou didn't know why she had said that. She shouldn't have to defend herself this was her family they surely couldn't believe that monster was Lily's father. That she would lie to them.
She looked around at her family seeing no one was going to talk, well no one except Tiffany.
"Lou, I have only known you for nearly a year, but in that short time I know that I can trust you and I know that you wouldn't lie," Tiffany told her before she let out a deep breath and continued, "Except if it came to protecting Lily. But if you stand here and tell me that without a shadow of a doubt that Lily is not my brother's daughter, then I will believe you." Tiffany stated.
"Tiffany!" Cody said shocked, dropping her hand at once.
Tiffany swung around to look at her husband, unbelieving that he would take back his hand after all that she was putting on the line.
"No Cody, I have walked away from my whole family because of what my brother has done to Lou. I think I have a right to question any doubts. It still won't change anything I will never talk to my brother again after what he has done to Lou, but if that child is his, then my family deserve the right to know."
Lou fumed as she gritted her teeth, "No Tiffany, THAT child is not his," Lou said through her gritted teeth, hating the way Tiffany had said 'that child'. "She is mine and she is Kid's."
"And you know that for sure?" Tiffany found herself asking before she even thought about it. But as soon as the words were out it was too late to take them back.
Lou flinched, "I'm not sure about anything anymore, including you." Lou spat back at Tiffany before turning on her heel and running from Rachel and Teaspoons house.
"I'm sorry," Tiffany cried realising what she had just said and done.
"How could you ask her that? She had given you her word that Lily was Kids and yet you questioned her again." Cody asked, ashamed of his wife in this moment.
"I'm sorry, I truly am. I had to know Cody, I just had to know. They are my family Cody. They are all I have away from you. Please understand that I cannot turn my back on my parents."
"Tiffany you're right, and I can see where it is your coming from, but we have known Lou for years, she wouldn't lie about something so big." Cody told her.
"But she has lied." Tiffany reminded them all. "Didn't you believe she was a boy to begin with? She pretended to be a boy so she could help her brother and sister. I was just asking if she was doing the same for Lily."
Jimmy stood from his chair having heard enough, "I'm turning in," Was all he said as he walked to the door. Buck did the same thing and followed him out.
"Jimmy I know you're mad, we all are, but you do have to see where Tiffany is coming from."
"Buck I know, but I have never wanted to strike a woman as much as I wanted to back there. Lou has done nothing but cry all day. She is ashamed she is scared and she is embarrassed and what just went on in there just destroyed her even more so." Jimmy stressed before taking a deep breath in and wandered into the bunkhouse with Buck close behind.
Lou was sitting in a chair in the corner. The light from a candle flickered beside her as she looked over Lily's sleeping form.
"He pushed past me and let himself in. His eyes looked over everything in the house. I had told him Kid was out hunting, and I expected him home anytime. Lily let out a wail from her small room, and he was shocked I had a child. I told him that is why I wished for his men to move on to the township, that I wanted Lily as far away from the war as possible." Lou's voice was distant as she continued to talk.
"He saw Kid's Confederacy flag in our bedroom, and asked me if he was out hunting Union. The way he said it scared me, so I went to stand by the door, but his arm snaked around my neck and he kicked my legs out from under me making me fall to the floor.
"I tried to crawl away, I tried but he bought his belt down hard beside me. I remember screaming and I remember fighting as he bound my wrists with his belt. He told me he wanted to play house. He told me I was his slave. He told me to suck…" Lou took a deep breath,
"He told me if I used my teeth he would put a bullet in Lily. He told me I was his whore; that I was going to do everything he told me to do. And I did, and I was, for hours. And all that time he was doing and saying those things to me, Lily was screaming in her bedroom.
"She was crying so hard that sometimes I would listen for her to take a breath. All I could think about was her in her cot thinking that I didn't care for her, that I didn't love her, because I wasn't coming for her. Every heart breaking wail she made, made me cry even harder. For hours and hours I was forced to listen to her, while that monster….' Lou swallowed hard and she shut her eyes for only a second as memories of what he made her do entered her mind.
"When he had finally had enough he promised me he would be back and that he would allow his men their turn. I didn't know what to do, I really didn't. But as soon as he left I grabbed my guns and I went to Lily. I pushed her cot up against the door knowing that it wouldn't hold if they wanted in. I picked Lily up and had to sit there in the state I was in and feed her.
"I hated her. I hated her in that moment because my breasts were sore. He had bitten, he had squeezed he had pinched and he had fed off of them for hours that the last thing I wanted was for her to feed as well." Lou took a deep breath in,
"Do you know what it is like to feel hate towards your child, It was excruciating." Lou said her voice raw as her throat burned from all the crying.
"Deep down I knew that I didn't hate her, but all I could see in that moment was she was using me just as much as he had. She was hurting me, and I didn't want to hurt anymore." Lou wiped her eyes and looked up at Jimmy who was also crying, and then to Buck who was wiping at his face.
"Lily is not that monsters daughter." Lou blew out the candle then and slipped into her bed. She was exhausted and she just wanted to close her eyes and not have to look at anyone else for the day.