Author's Note: This chapter contains scenes from episode 5x8, "The Guitarist."
.10.
"Who Will You Run To"
You're not sure what you want to do with your life
But you sure don't want me in it
Yeah, you're sure the life you're living with me
Can't go on one single minute
And there's a new one waiting outside this door
Now's the time to begin it
You found a new world and you want to taste it
But that world can turn cold, and you better face it…
© 1987 Diane Warren & Heart
.xxxxx.
No one had expected the near-surreal atmosphere that permeated the P*lace during and after the Saturday night concert. Tensions were high already, with the cold war between the band and the dancers locked in a shaky truce, but there was also an air of the bittersweet, as everyone present was well aware it would be their last set with their de facto leader for a good long while. As per usual, Ryan had made the announcements from stage between sets, and the revelation of the Monday afternoon audition had set an excited buzz about the crowd. There was a rush during Stacy's closing number – a heartfelt rendition of Debbie Gibson's "Out of the Blue" – for signups at the counter, and no shortage of questions for the band members after the concert itself: what were they looking for? Was it a permanent position, or a fill-in? What was going on that they suddenly needed someone in the middle of the semester?
Ryan busied himself with the clean-up and tear-down of the set, avoiding the questions that inundated his friends. It was easier this way, to not think about it too much or too hard, to focus on mindless tasks and keep busy with his hands. Eventually, the crowd thinned out, and his bandmates pitched in to help him and Riley. Instead of the usual jovial, if tired, atmosphere that generally surrounded this part of the evening, an awkward silence reigned. It seemed as though everyone else's hearts were just as heavy as his. He felt guilty for being the cause of their concern, but he had to put himself first for a change. He'd done so much for the band that it only seemed fair they grant him this time away, to pursue his own dreams.
Still, he knew he was going to miss it. Song and stagecraft had been his life for the better part of five years. Suddenly giving that up, no matter how necessary, left a void that would be tough to fill.
The others finished quickly, murmuring their goodbyes as they headed home. Ryan couldn't say he blamed them, really; it had been a tough night, keeping the energy up beneath the looming apprehension of what was just around the corner. He was grateful to them for giving their all, even if they didn't necessarily feel it – they'd probably never understand how much that meant to him.
And so, he lingered behind, even after the last table had been wiped down, the last chair picked up, and the last of the confetti canons cleared away. He sat on the steps of the stage, his guitar case at his side, and stared up into the now-dark lights. He remembered the first time he'd been on that stage, a nervous performance of "Tough All Over" in front of a very vocal audience, thrown into the fire before even knowing if it'd be more than a one-time performance…
…and now, here he sat, the senior-most member and leader of the band. Sometimes it still amazed him, how much – and how little – had changed in the interim.
"Hey," came a quiet voice, bringing him out of his memories.
Ryan looked down, unsurprised to see Stacy standing before him. "Hey," he replied softly, offering his hand.
"Riley's ready to close up," she informed him, sliding down beside him on the stage steps as she took his hand in both of hers. "He sent me over here to tell you."
Ryan glanced to the side, acknowledging Riley's sheepish wave with a nod of his head. "Oh, really?" he murmured. So he knows, he surmised, rather surprised Riley had already caught on to the shift in his relationship with Stacy. While an awesome friend and inventive soda jerk, he wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Stacy pulled their joined hands into her lap. "We've had a lot of great times on this stage," she sighed.
Ryan looked at her, reaching out to touch her face with his free hand. "And we will again," he promised, smoothing his thumb across her cheek in a soft caress. "This is only temporary."
Her hands curled around his in her lap, and he could feel the race of her pulse under his fingertips. "I know," she replied, her gaze steady on his. Her skin heated beneath his touch. "That doesn't make it any less hard. I don't know what I'm going to do without you."
He leaned forward, brushing his lips against hers, only to feel her pull away after only the briefest touch. "Riley," she whispered furiously, pulling out of the embrace altogether. "I think – I think he knows."
"He does," Ryan confirmed with a small smile. "But I don't think we have to worry about him."
"Hey, you guys," Riley called out, as if on cue. He was standing beside the front double doors, waving to get their attention. "I'm locking the doors. You can get out, but you can't get back in if you leave, okay?"
The two waved to him as he hit the last house light and left, shrouding them in semi-darkness.
Stacy ducked her head, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "I haven't told anyone about us," she said after a moment, "but I think the others suspect – "
"I think the others know," Ryan sighed. "I'm just not ready to deal with it right now."
Stacy looked up at him, stricken.
"With telling them, I mean," he assured her, clasping her hand once again. "Look – I'm already leaving the band for a little while. It's not fair for you to have to deal with whatever fallout there is on your own. We'll tell them when I come back."
Stacy's expression melted with relief. "Thanks," she said softly.
Ryan smiled, curling an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. "You're going to do fine, Stacy," he said, "even without me. The other kids respect you. And besides, you've been in the band longer than I have!" He rested his temple against hers. "Anyway, it's not like we won't see each other…"
Her returned smile was grateful. "Not that I think you'll need this, but…" Her voice trailed off as she broke away, pulling something out of the pocket of her jacket and pressing it into his open palm.
"I can't believe you kept this," Ryan marveled with a laugh, holding up the gaudy ruby ring in the diffused side lights of the stage. Stacy had found it years earlier in an old magician's trunk in the store room, on her quest for luck before a big audition at school.
Stacy shrugged, leaning into his shoulder. "It's a good luck charm, after all," she replied, "even if I carry it around to remind myself that I don't need luck." She paused, before shyly recalling that moment from her memory. "I'd given up on it, until you found it at school and brought it back to me." She blushed. "That meant a lot to me, that you cared enough to do that, even though you didn't believe in its magic."
Ryan furrowed his brow. "So you kept it because of me?" he wondered aloud.
She nodded with a smile. "So I could give it back to you one day."
Ryan chuckled as he turned, folding his arms around her in a tight, warm hug. "I'll treasure it always," he whispered in her ear. He held her for a long moment, allowing the warmth of his memories to wash through his mind, suddenly seeing old events from a new perspective. Dimly, he wondered just how long she had harbored feelings for him…?
Before he could become too unnerved by the prospect, Stacy pulled away, reluctantly standing and brushing the back of her skirt. "It's late," she said abruptly. "I…guess we should leave…?"
"Yeah, you're probably right," he sighed, standing up and reaching for the handle of his guitar case. "We have a long week ahead of us, don't we?" Even if it is for different reasons, he added silently, taking her hand as they walked out of the P*lace.
.xxxxx.
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! Stacy thought hurriedly, barreling into the double front doors of the P*lace on Monday afternoon. But of course I'm late, she reasoned, her cheeks flushing slightly. And it was worth it. She'd bumped into Ryan unexpectedly before her last class, which apparently had inspired him to leave a note in her locker. She'd lingered behind at school to read it, momentarily forgetting that auditions for the band were to start precisely at four.
Devyn, Richie, Kenny, and Connie were sprawled out on the stage, their chatter light-hearted, if a bit nervous. They eyed her curiously as she came in, and she could only hope that they thought the color in her cheeks was due to walking into a warm building from the chilly afternoon weather. Now that she suspected they knew about her 'secret' relationship with Ryan, she was wary of the other kids, knowing just how she would've reacted to such news had she been their age. After all, how much grief had she given her own sister about having a crush on her classmate Jules?
She cringed at the memory.
The others sat up as she approached them, sheet music in hand. "Hey, guys, sorry I'm late," she apologized, passing around the audition number.
Devyn and Connie exchanged an amused, excited look as they glanced over the song they now held in their hands. "Any particular reason you chose this song, Stace?" Devyn queried.
"Because it has a guitar solo, a lead line, and a rhythm line," Stacy hastily replied.
"No other reason?" Connie pressed, while Richie could only roll his eyes.
"She just said that was the reason," Kenny jumped in, before Stacy could reply. "Whatever happened to taking people at their word?"
Stacy's eyebrows shot up, her wary feeling redoubling as she stared at her bandmates. They definitely suspected something was up; she could only hope Ryan was right about waiting to tell them.
"Whoa, hey, come on, guys," she urged, casually stepping between Kenny and the girls. "Let's not fight, okay? This is going to be hard enough as it is."
Devyn sighed, setting the sheet music down beside her. "Yeah, I don't know who we're going to get to replace Ryan," she said, already sounding discouraged about the prospect.
"It's only for a couple of weeks, while he finishes his compositions for Juilliard," Stacy reminded her sympathetically.
Kenny shrugged, looking a little deflated himself. "Yeah, but Ryan's the best guitar player around," he said.
"You're lucky, Stacy," Connie piped up. "You get to see him all the time."
Stacy eyed her suspiciously. "What makes you think that?"
Connie's eyes were wide and innocent, though Stacy wasn't sure the expression was totally sincere. "Because you go to the same school as him," she replied. "Can you tell him that we miss him already?"
Stacy stifled a snort. "Why don't you tell him yourself? He'll be here this afternoon for the auditions – or did you forget?"
Connie's cheeks burned as she shot a sharp look at Devyn, who held her face in her hands. "N-no, I mean – oh, yeah! I guess it just slipped my mind – or something."
Hmm, Stacy thought, eyeing the two with an assessing look, this might be harder than I thought.
At that moment, Riley turned the corner. "Hey, sorry to interrupt, guys," he said, "but the natives are getting restless. Who wants to help me sort them all out?"
"I will!" Richie volunteered, making a beeline off the stage. The two hurried to a side door off the front room which, when opened, revealed the loud din of a crowded waiting room.
"I hope we're ready for this," Kenny muttered under his breath, his eyes widening as he caught a glimpse of what was yet to come.
Just then, another voice entered the fray. "Hey, guys!"
The group turned to see Ryan, who was dropping his backpack off at one of the tables near the counter. Stacy felt a great wave of relief at his presence, and the way it seemed to instantly calm the uneasy atmosphere.
They all greeted him at the same time, but Stacy realized he only had eyes for her as he approached their loose huddle near the stage. "What song did you pick out?" he asked, reaching for the stack of sheet music she'd left to one side.
"'I Think We're Alone Now'," Devyn announced, her tone suggestive as she watched the new arrival closely.
Stacy felt her entire body flush at the implication, and hated that her reaction was so immediate – and so guilty.
Ryan, however, obviously had better control of his faculties, as he merely nodded, not rising to Devyn's bait. "It's a good choice," he said appreciatively. "This arrangement requires a variety of skills."
"I thought so," Stacy insisted, though she sounded anything but confident about the decision.
Ryan gave her an encouraging smile.
"I just hope we can find someone suitable," Kenny noted as the side door opened and closed again, with Riley popping back into the room, looking rather bewildered.
"It certainly sounds like there are a lot of them," Ryan remarked, glancing towards the noise. "I'm sure we'll find some talented kids in this audition."
The door opened again, heavy footsteps treading into the room. The group's attention was immediately drawn to the newcomer, who had pushed past Richie completely and was looking around the room, sizing up the place.
"Guys, this is 'Dude,'" Richie said hesitantly, closing the door once more.
Dude strode into the room, nodding his head with slight approval at his surroundings. He was dressed from head to toe in black, with a ripped t-shirt, hole-laden jeans, and steel-toed boots to match. A shredded denim vest and a red bandanna over gelled hair completed the look; he carried a red and black electric guitar, the ends of the strings dancing precariously around the tuning pegs.
Ryan stepped forward, extending his hand. "Nice to meet you, Dude," he began, only to have the other boy walk straight past him without acknowledgment. He turned his hand over in the air, frowning as he looked at Richie, who only shrugged in response.
The others gathered in a knot a few steps away from the wannabe punk rocker, unsure of how to approach him. "So, uh, what's your real name?" Connie asked.
Dude removed his pick from between his teeth as he glared down at her. "That is my real name," he insisted.
Devyn looked skeptical. "'Dude' is the name your mother gave you?"
He narrowed his eyes as he swung his attention to her. "No, Dude is the only name I answer to," he replied, lifting his gaze back to the group as a whole, "and that's all you guys need to know."
Ryan and Stacy exchanged unimpressed looks over the other kids' heads.
"Let's go!" Dude growled a moment later. "Where do I plug in?"
That spurred the group into action. They all stood up, clearing the steps as Dude climbed up, Ryan fast on his heels. "The big amp, right here," Kenny supplied, patting the amplifier Ryan usually used on stage.
Dude walked over, grabbing up the cord and plugging himself in. "All right, what are we playing?" he grunted, his question sounding more like a command than a query.
Ryan picked up his guitar as well, plugging into the secondary. Kenny also picked up a guitar, while Richie settled behind his drum set. The girls crowded around, and Dude looked at each of them expectantly in turn.
"'I Think We're Alone Now,'" Stacy said, lifting her chin as she looked at him.
"No, I don't like it," Dude declared, leering at her. "What else you got?"
Stacy could only stare at him in disbelief. Who the hell says that during an audition? she wondered incredulously.
Ryan took a step closer, drawing Dude's attention away from his girlfriend. "Is there something you'd like to play?" he asked pointedly.
Dude looked up thoughtfully, before elbowing Ryan in the ribs. "Hey, you guys know 'I'd Pierce My Nose for You'?" he asked, finally sounding at least semi-interested in the whole endeavor.
Stacy rolled her eyes as Richie pushed past her, planting himself between her and Dude, perhaps also in a misguided attempt to 'protect' her. "That's not necessary," he said. "We just want to see if you can play lead guitar."
Dude was completely unimpressed with Richie's posturing. "It's a song, dingbat," he informed him.
Richie stood on his tiptoes so that he was on eye level with the older boy. "My name is Richie," he replied hotly.
"Yeah, his mother gave it to him," Ryan added drolly.
The others gathered around, interested to see if the interloper would challenge their leader.
"All right, look," Dude said, his tone disgusted, "I'll just play a couple hot riffs or two, all right?" He glared at Ryan, and then Stacy, before pushing them out of the way. "Stand back – you're crowding me! Geez."
The entire group took an obligatory step back, allowing Dude his precious space. He planted his feet, bending his knees as he launched into his riffs – which resembled the high-pitched squeals of feedback more than anything else, the sounds of a guy far too taken with himself and his mad skillz. Devyn, Connie, and Kenny covered their ears in protest; Stacy stood with her hands on her hips, unable to do much more than just shake her head. Finally, Ryan put them all out of their misery, pulling the plug from the amp and rendering Dude's nonsensical sound nil.
It took him a few seconds to catch on. "Hey, where'd the music go?" he protested, looking at Ryan accusingly.
"Audition's over," he replied, lifting the jack with exaggerated patience to show him what he'd done, before dropping the cord into a heap on the stage. "Dude."
.xxxxx.
Unfortunately, the rest of the auditions went about as well as the first – though no one was quite as rude as Dude. Word of the open spot with the band had spread like wildfire, and they seemed to have attracted a variety of talent, even from kids in different neighborhoods. Most of them were fairly easy to dismiss – they simply didn't have the chops to play the type of pop music covers the band was accustomed to – and of the precious few who did have the skill, something else crossed them off the list.
One girl? Picked the strings with her teeth.
"That was a disaster," Richie sighed unequivocally as they neared the end of the painful process, finally finishing the entire list of entrants. The group had taken up residence around one of the tables in front of the stage, arranged in a loose circle around a stack of sheet music and an even bigger stack of rejection slips.
"What are we going to do?" Stacy asked mournfully. She sat opposite of Ryan, though her stance mirrored his, resting her arms on the back of her chair as she leaned forward. The others' attention swiveled towards him, as if they were all asking the same silent question.
"Keep looking," Ryan insisted with a shrug, his answer only serving to disappoint the others.
"Hey, guys," Riley called, rounding the corner from the front of the shop. "There's a kid out there who wants to try out."
Stacy felt as tired and discouraged as the others looked. "Time's kinda tight, Riley," she said, "and we've still got to rehearse. Do you think he could come back tomorrow?"
Riley shrugged, clapping his hands on Ryan's and Connie's shoulders. "I – think you better see him now," he suggested.
"Why?" Connie asked, curious.
"We-ell," Riley wheedled, before making up his mind. "Hold on. Hey, Tommy!" he called, gesturing for someone to come around the counter. "Come on in."
A blond boy in a wheelchair made a tentative entrance, wheeling over to the group as they murmured their greetings to him. He settled at their table, adjusting the maroon-colored electric guitar in his lap. "Hi, I'm Tommy Morgan," he introduced himself, smiling shyly at the others.
"Hey, Tommy," Stacy said, sticking out her hand, figuring there was no time like the present to take charge of things. "I'm Stacy. It's nice to meet you."
Tommy took her hand. "It's nice to meet you, too," he replied, unable to hide the awe in his voice.
Stacy smiled at him. She liked him already. "We've still got a few numbers to rehearse, but then you can audition for us. Are you okay to stick around?"
Tommy beamed. "Sure thing!" he replied, a bit more enthusiastically this time.
"Great!" The others stood up, grabbing sheet music along the way, antsy to get themselves up on stage.
Stacy held back, looking down at Ryan with a hopeful expression. "One last time?" she asked, holding out her hand.
Ryan smiled. "Sure," he replied, squeezing her hand and standing. The others cheered as he joined them on stage. Kenny also strapped on a guitar, while Connie and Devyn picked up mics and tambourines. The group launched into the audition number, with Stacy on lead vocals. It was easy for them to slip into their perfectly honed sound, rhythm and bass and guitar harmonizing well under the melody line on the first try. Stacy's vocals were infectious, and soon the entire band was swaying to the beat, the girls even breaking into simple, easy dance moves.
It was just this sort of spontaneous creativity that made Ryan love playing with the band, and he realized that, even as into the moment as he was, he was already missing it a little. It was going to be hard to give this up, even for a few weeks. Composition was all well and good, but ultimately, it was a lonely pursuit.
He noted with interest that Tommy seemed to be subconsciously fingering the chords as he watched them perform, his ever-widening smile belying the fact that he was totally enjoying their sound. By the time the group finished, Ryan felt even more sure that they had finally found their guy, and it filled him with far more relief than he expected.
"You guys are terrific!" Tommy enthused.
"Thanks," the group chorused, gathering and settling on the stage steps.
Ryan slid down next to Stacy, adjusting the strap of his guitar over his shoulder. "We figured you could just audition for us here, if that's okay?"
"Actually…" Tommy lowered his eyes, his expression a mixture of awe and intimidation. "After watching you guys play, I'm not sure this is the right gig for me. I mean – I can't jump up and down and all that."
"Can you play?" Ryan queried.
Tommy shrugged. "Sure, I can play."
"That's what we're looking for!" Kenny assured him with a smile.
"Want me to plug you in?" Devyn offered, fast on the heels of her best friend's words.
Tommy glanced at each of them in turn. "No, thanks, I can get it," he finally said, rolling over beside Devyn and picking up the cord to the amp.
"Hey, Tommy," Ryan said, seizing the younger boy's attention once more. "I'll give you the lead-in to the guitar solo, all right?"
"Okay," Tommy replied nervously.
Ryan counted off, leading Richie and Kenny into the rhythm section of the bridge, and Tommy ripped into the guitar solo, playing with far more confidence than his demeanor would imply. The girls could only marvel at his sound, nodding their heads to the beat and sending smiles all around.
They erupted into a cheer as the solo ended, which the boys quickly joined.
"I – I was a little nervous," Tommy admitted bashfully.
Stacy stared at him in disbelief. "How do you play when you're not nervous?" she asked incredulously.
Tommy's face lit up in a smile. "Better."
"That's hard to believe," Connie said breathlessly. The others chimed in agreement.
Tommy watched them as they discussed his performance animatedly, before breaking into the conversation. "So – when do you think you'll make your decision?" he asked, glancing from Stacy to Ryan and back again.
The younger kids looked to their leaders, nodding in agreement. Stacy slipped her hand around Ryan's arm as they exchanged a long look. "How about right now?" Ryan finally said, breaking into a grin. "Tommy, welcome aboard!"
Kenny and Devyn shot up, giving their newest bandmate simultaneous high fives. Richie and Connie gathered around as well, all of them in a rush to tell Tommy about the band's schedule, their rehearsal space, and any number of other things about their music and practice habits. Stacy and Ryan hung back, watching them welcome their newest member with such open arms.
"They're still going to miss you, you know," she assured him, giving his elbow a squeeze.
"I know," he replied, catching her gaze. "I feel like I'm leaving everyone in capable hands." He glanced at his watch. "Speaking of which – I've got to go."
Reluctantly, she released her hold; they both stood, and he gave her shoulder another reassuring squeeze. "You can do this, Stace," he murmured. "I believe in you."
He turned to the others, waving goodbye as he packed his guitar in its case again. "I'll see you guys!" he called, picking up his backpack. He slapped hands with Riley on his way out the door.
Stacy watched him leave, pushing down the trepidation that clawed up from her gut before turning to the others. "So, you guys," she announced, clapping her hands together. "Ready to rehearse?"