Chapter 10

EPOV

Another week had past. Bella's condition was recovering. Everyday she grew stronger. Her eating habits were now still existent even so. Alice had phoned only yesterday to report that she would try to slip food into the side cabinet. Bella had put on near enough ten pounds since the beginning of her dangerous journey. I was in the usual position of holding her hand at her bedside, her breathing rose heavily and her collar bone evidently still stuck out, her once glorious complexion was now a pasty white with the bulbs of scarring spots hastening across her near full cheeks. She blinked up at me biting her lip.

'What am I eating for dinner today?' she said as though striking a normal conversation.

'Carlisle mentioned salmon.' I said hastily looking at her detached facial expression.

'Aren't you going to go to school today?' she mumbled.

I had not made an appearance in school since Bella's illness had been founded and neither had she. It was for the best, she was not in the normal state for school and I would not leave her.

My eyes flinched at her. 'Of course not Bella, I'm staying here with you.'

'Why? I'm better now Edward.' She gestured at herself. 'Look I'm as good as new.'

'Bella, you're doing very well sweetheart but I'm not leaving you.' I reassured her.

It was the only thing that I could do to make myself feel better, compliment her. Carlisle had advised that I should not over do it for she would realise and think I was lying so I stuck to the ones I usually paid her but with extra care with my wording. I did not want to stupidly say something to upset her like the words 'you're putting on weight'.

'Will you make me some eggs?' she said shyly and outright.

I gleamed at her and kissed her upon the forehead 'Of course, I'll get Esme to stay with you.'

Esme was happy to retire to Bella's side. She'd been very useful with making Bella settle in and making her feel normal once more. I reminisced of the argument she'd had with Rosalie the day before about her insincerity and it had resulted in Rosalie coming to apologise.

Bella however did not like this. She revealed to me something disheartening that I for sure knew not to be true.

'Rosalie… she's pretty and beautiful and I'm not.' She had said scornfully.

It concerned me that she thought herself inadequate and compared herself to Rosalie so much.

'I love you for everything you do and are, and you're beauty is one of.' I said firmly.

She did not looked convinced but I didn't want to push her any further into the subject.

I hurried down the stairs and extracted the ingredients I'd need for Bella's omelette. I wasn't sure whether to give her a small portion or a larger one. I had no experience of illnesses like Bella's despite my two medical degrees.

I could hear the caring ramblings of Esme's mind but Hey Edward making food for Bella, I guess, soon interrupted them.

I spun around to Emmett smiling at me cautiously. He was slumped against the wall and leaning his legs inwards into a supposedly casual pose obviously trying to cover up some kind of nervousness.

'Emmett? Aren't you supposed to be at school?' I stared at him.

'Uh huh, yeah.' He answered shortly.

'Well?' I asked curiously as his thoughts frazzled between trees and the colour blue, obviously trying to hide something from me.

'I've been meaning to… to talk to you about something.' He said sheepishly.

I was about to prod another 'well?' but he stopped and looked up and whimpered a little groan.

'Carlisle reckons because I'm the eldest out of Jasper and I that I should have this… this talk about you know.' He said.

I focused on his thoughts and picked up something about Bella's face and mine attached mechanically, the thought scared me and I looked at Emmett in a way that he must of known I wasn't aware of what he was talking about.

'Sorry I didn't mean to scare you.' He panicked. 'Ah man, I'm so bad at this… it's about physical stuff.'

I felt a rush of heat around me despite my inability to have blood running through my veins, embarrassment of course; I cringed and refused his eye contact. I turned my back on him and proceeded to cut the mushrooms in a second and dashed them into the pan. I was aware that he was still there staring at me, waiting for my response.

'Make it quick Emmett, I've got to feed Bella.' I said. It was true but the real reasoning was that I wanted to escape this torment.

'Yeah it will be… I mean you know about the birds and the bees don't you?' he clarified with an uncertain cheeky grin.

I rolled my eyes. 'Emmett, you are asking someone with two medical degrees!'

'So, little brother, what's it like with the human?' he questioned.

For once I felt Bella's embarrassment of being a virgin. How excruciatingly shameful would it be to admit it to the sex deviant in the shape of Emmett.

'Fine.' I lied flatly, flickering my eyes away and starting to whip the eggs.

He hesitated. 'Hey Edward… you have done the deed right?' Emmett stepped forward.

'Yes.' I lied again.

He sighed. 'You haven't, have you?'

'Stop pestering me, Emmett, just go to school!' I retorted, getting angry that he thought the purpose of this conversation was more important to Bella.

'I know Bella's ill and all… I didn't want to give you any grief, Edward… I just want to let you know that you can always speak to me. I know I'm not the most understanding at times but I know how hard it must be with Bella and everything.'

I gritted my teeth. 'How would you understand how it must feel for me with Bella being sick? You don't, you can't ever know what it's like, ever!'

It angered me so deeply that he had tried to position himself in my shoes. It was incomparable. How could he stand there and tell me that he knows of my bewilderment and self loathing when he stood their freely smiling on his own will and not at the stake of others only moments ago.

'Uhm… yeah sorry about that, Edward. I only meant to say I'm here for you… if you need to talk.' Emmett said awkwardly.

'There's nothing you're thinking that hasn't already been covered by Bella's father.' I mumbled.

Why must everyone be so dependant on sex? What was it that everyone seemed to find so important? I did want that extent of intimacy with Bella but if we never ever experienced it because Bella didn't want to commit in that way then I would perfectly be happy to exist a virgin for the rest of my days. Another thing I'd always thought about sex was that it was private… everyone seemed to know about my non existent sex life and have something to say about it - Bella, her father, Alice, Emmett, Carlisle and the others had thought about it in the passing.

Emmett raised his eyebrow at this. 'I wish you'd listen sometimes, Edward, and I don't mean to our thoughts, to what we've actually got to say. Everyone's going spare about you.'

'I don't need anyone's sympathy, Bella is the victim here!' I hissed furiously.

'Look, if you aren't going to open up to me that's fine but it's not healthy to keep it all within, you're not a pretty face to look at when you're filled with all this anger in you and whatever else Jasper mentioned. Talking of Jasper, he's going crazy! Noticed how he hardly stays at home these days? He can't take it with all the wild emotions in here and now Alice is getting worked over you, Bella and Jasper and Esme is practically crying all the time and Carlisle is starting to look human with the amount of stress and worry. It's not right. It's just not right. Bella must feel it too all this wave of bottling up your feelings. It might just tip her over the edge –.'

'Don't!' I shouted. My venomous eyes coiled around my lids straining myself to remain calm but my fist had already slammed into the worktop and it collapsed without hesitation. I dropped to the ground in despair. Esme had heard the crashing that I had caused and was by my side in a magical second.

'Go Emmett.' Esme argued with him.

Sorry he whispered weakly in thought.

'Go back to Bella.' I moaned holding my forehead up.

'She'll be fine, come Edward. Shhh it's going to be OK.' Esme whispered comforting me with a motherly hug.

I didn't attempt to say that it wasn't going to be ok. Even she knew that it was never going to be ok. Not the way it was. I sighed deeply inhaling the musk of Esme's coldness. I wanted Bella and her warmth. I needed her. I despised myself. How much would need to happen for me to realise that Bella was the only thing worth me existing? Before her I had no purpose, I was frozen in the lonesome body I still owned, only perhaps I had melted slightly even reaching more to life than death.

My eyes ached for tears to be born in the rim but my inhumanity destructed this emotion. I had never felt so much inner pain in all my years, it was my ultimate tragedy and I would never recover it. As long as Bella suffered I would too.

It was strange how so much time could of passed without my intention of doing so. Time for the undead was not crucial as it was to humans. For we had eternity to do as we will but humans were always timed to how long they had to live. It did not worry me the amount of time I nestled into my mother's chest, I was listening to Bella's heart for comfort and her soft rasping breath meeting my cheeks as I reciprocated what she had to give by lightly breathing.

'Edward, dear, I can hear Bella…' Esme said breaking away.

I tentatively listened to recognise Bella's groans escaping down the staircase. Esme jumped up to her feet and I ran to my Bella. My one true love.

A/N – Don't hesitate to review… much appreciated.

Song: Naïve by The Kooks / Rape me by Nirvana

No school and Easter Holidays approaching so I'll be revising a lot. GCSE's in only a matter of weeks. I'm absolutely crapping myself. I'm only allowed to go to school for Drama rehearsals but not for the benefit of my own grade but the others in my group.

Things aren't going to well with me. I've given up on this FanFiction, it's all complete bollocks, you can't fucking 'recover' from no shitty disease like this. People like to make you think you're normal, you're just not. You're never the same and you never will be. And why? Because Ana found you, not any other next assed fucker. So I'd just like to point out this is EXACTLY what it says on the tin, this is Fiction, in other words unreal make belief. And to those fuckers out there who starve themselves because they think it'll make them prettier are just insane self-centred idiots. Now I'm going to fuck off with some vodka and get shagged senseless and hopefully die during the fun because I don't want this no more. I don't want to wake up in the morning wanting my next fix anymore, I don't want to deal with exams, I don't want to sleep every night with someone other than my boyfriend, I don't want people to watch me eat when I'm silently holding back my tears. I don't want to hurt anyone as much as I'm hurting myself.

I'm sorry.