Seduction and Deduction: Interlude

'…And if you want to know more, please go to our website. That was a marvellous treat, wasn't it Alex?'

'It definitely was. Next up, we have a One Show exclusive. Now this is a lady who I'm a little bit jealous of, if I'm honest. Sherlock Holmes, the Reichenbach Hero, has always been something of a mystery and many have wondered at just how brilliant he is.'

'I, for one, wouldn't mind a look inside that head.'

'Me too. But does the heart match up to the genius, Matt? Well, the story did indeed hit the papers this morning and only one woman can answer all the questions. Janine is right here with us, in the studio, to shed some light on her relationship with London's greatest detective. Janine; how are you?'

'Great, thanks – I can't believe I'm here, to be honest. I'm at the BBC and all I can think about is saying "hello Mum"!'

'Well then, I'll say hello to your mum too, and mine whilst I'm at it. Now, you've had quite a busy week, haven't you Janine? For all of our viewers who haven't heard your story, tell us what you've been up to.'

'I'd love to, Matt. Basically, I was invited to a friend's wedding a few months back and obviously I was thrilled – I've only known her for a little while, yet was asked to be maid of honour – but I'd also heard a lot of weird stories about the best man. I'd pretty much dismissed the gossip as a load of bullsh– I mean, tall tales – until the day in question. It was kind of odd really that our paths hadn't crossed beforehand. My work schedule meant that I hadn't been involved much with the planning, whereas I'm told that Sherlock was really taking his part to extremes. However when we finally did meet I looked him over, thought he was passably pretty and we went from there.'

'Aw, it sounds like love at first sight! Mr Holmes is not known for talking to the cameras and our producers would give their right arm to have him on the show; he strikes a very cold, elusive public image doesn't he? Can you tell us what he gets up to in private?'

'Well, I know that there are probably quite a lot of kiddies watching, so I can't say too much. I'm in talks to do a fortnightly column series for Closer magazine but until then I don't want to spoil anybody's dinner! On the other hand, I can tell you that he's quite a character, Alex. I think that the best way to describe him would be "intense"; he's very candid about certain things, but I think that comes with his line of work. Other than that, what you see is what you get and his intelligence is absolutely mind-blowing.'

'Interesting; and we're sure that our viewers are dying to read anything which you put in front of them, so best of luck with the writing. But surely you can give us a juicy titbit? What's a first date like with Sherlock Holmes?'

'Not that exciting, actually. He took me out to dinner and we got to know each other. Well, when I say "we", I got to know him. I don't like to give too much away at once – it spoils the fun later – and it was his idea in the first place.'

'So you didn't make the first move?'

'Christ no! I mean, there was flirting at the wedding reception but I didn't expect it to go anywhere. I didn't care really, because there were a lot of lovely, ordinary guys around that day. I know some women out there might think I'm mad for saying that too! So I was just as surprised as anyone when he tricked me into meeting him.'

'Tricked?'

'Yeah; Sherlock's a conniving little so-and-so. He knows how to toy with a person's emotions and apparently I wasn't an exception. He even let me think that I had the upper hand for a while – again, that strategy applied in other, post-watershed areas – and it felt great until I worked out what he was doing. He's a hard man to please and I've never liked being moulded.'

'Were you upset?'

'A little, Matt, but my ego can take a hit. If you are going to be outplayed by someone, it may as well be the great detective. Besides, things spiced up a bit once I started fighting back.'

'Now, you briefly alluded to your job. You work for CAM International?'

'That's right.'

'Charles Magnussen is notorious for interfering in his employees' personal affairs. Given Sherlock Holmes' status as something of an obscure national treasure, did you run into any professional difficulties?'

'Well I've always been quite good at keeping my work and home life separate although, yes, it was hard. We managed to keep things fairly low key, so when Mr Magnussen did find out it was no longer a massive issue.'

'And why was that? It sounds like a very intimidating situation, to me.'

'It would have been if there hadn't been a…incident at work recently. It's not my place to talk about what happened, but it opened my eyes to a lot of unexplored possibilities, and also flaws, in my life. Fortunately I'd come into a little bit of money not that long ago and could quite happily resign without too much fuss.'

'It's intriguing that news of this "incident" didn't make it to press; although there had been a flutter of speculation, spearheaded by the Empty Hearse conspiracy group (creation of the disgraced Detective Police Sergeant Phillip Anderson), that the online detective is currently occupying a bed in the Royal London Hospital. Some are even saying that he may have taken one case too many, Janine, but can you shed any light on this?'

'I can tell you that is one hundred percent not true! If Sherlock was in any real danger, I wouldn't be here. Besides, if it's not on the blog, it hasn't happened.'

'We're glad to hear that. You mention the blog; have you been able to have any input there?'

'Well, the blog is definitely Dr Watson's baby so it's not my place to interfere too much. I was a freelance journalist before I joined CAM, meaning that I'm happy to just offer pointers where I can. Not that John has any trouble drawing in readers, of course.'

'Dr Watson had certainly caught the nation's attention – hook, line and sinker. The duo's exploits have gained them a loyal and captive audience, but what about you? How's your relationship with Sherlock now that you have joined him in the spotlight? I imagine you've become quite close.'

'…'

'Janine? Can someone bring a box of tissues over here? Thanks.'

'Sorry. The truth is, Alex, we've separated and I don't know if it's permanent or not. It's not that I don't want to be with him – I really do – but he bullied me into doing things which I wasn't comfortable with. At first I volunteered to help him with his work, being bait or a distraction, but there were only so many times which I could have a gun held to my head without questioning why. Then he started forcing me and I had to get out before my addiction took over. Because that's what he is; an addiction.'

'How interesting! And terrible!'

'By the end, he was making unreasonable demands, day and night. He even paid me to keep quiet when I finished with him! I almost did, out of fear. Sherlock chewed up my feelings and spat them out, and the real reason I'm here is…is…to warn all other women to stay away. Sherlock Holmes is a dangerous, depraved, egotistical maniac. Don't get lured into the same twisted trap as I did!'

'Thank you for being so brave, Janine. You are a real example to all women in the UK and beyond. And there we have the, ah, unfortunate truth. The One Show would like to apologise for the mildly distressing nature of these revelations and would remind our viewers that we are live, so anything can happen! If you're seeing the detective in a shocking new light, or would just like to have your say, please do get in contact with us via email or text. The details should be on your screen now.'

'Meanwhile, Michael Douglas has been running around Regent Street tracing the origins of the Georgian dandy and his wigs. Not only have we got a clip, but later in the studio he'll be trying out some famous historical hairstyles on our brave models. And we'll be doing our best to help him. Do you fancy giving it a go, Janine?'

'…Sure, Matt, I'd lo–.'

The television remote sailed towards the screen, colliding with the off-switch with astonishing dexterity. Had anyone else been in the room, she would have said that she meant for it to happen; a clever way of muting the saccharine babble. Revenge wasn't all it was cracked up to be.