A/N: Hi guys! I want to say thanks so much for all the people who have spent a moment of their time to read my story, you're really amazing and I love you all!
Anyway this chapter is really important and is one of my favourite! Let me know what do you think about that : )
Bye!
PS: Thanks for edyferrone for everything!
Beta: Kiamilachan.
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Chapter 10 Part 1 Like A Mother.
Kurt has spent all night sleeplessly of course. The mere idea of sitting at a table with Sebastian for a coffee scares him to death. He has no idea what he should expect out of this considering how unpredictable the other boy is, but Blaine is right: it's useless to just ponder endlessly about what might be going through his head; it's just better if he asks directly.
Kurt is afraid of what Sebastian might tell him; not because he feels vulnerable or submissive to his desires but because Sebastian's bipolarity drives him crazy. Sometimes he's sweet and kind, then he becomes unbearable and mean, and this time Kurt's sure he won't be able to keep himself from killing him.
He'd want to call someone to search for advice, but he can't. Blaine is not on the list because Kurt doesn't want to take too much advantage of his kindness. Calling is friends would be even worse and he doesn't feel like talking to them now. He's all alone.
In the end, Sebastian made it. He had pushed him away from Blaine, from his friends, from his dad almost. Well, he can't blame him for everything of course, but a big part of the fault belongs to Sebastian.
The thought that while he's torturing himself like this in bed at night while Sebastian enjoys all of this nonchalantly makes him even crazier and it also makes Kurt feel angrier towards him.
"Whatever he tells, it won't change the fact that I hate him."
Kurt starts talking to himself as he always does in his delirium, trying to get convinced that whatever might happen won't change anything: he loves Blaine, he feels disappointed because of his friends and he hates Sebastian Smythe.
/
Sebastian still can't believe what happened. When he reads the text it all seems so crazy, too much to be real. In the morning Kurt has barely resisted the urge to kill him and at night he gets such a text on the phone, a text he wasn't even hoping to get anymore. Kurt accepted to meet him, to talk to him.
Sebastian knows he can't let himself hope too much though because Kurt made a choice and he won't let go easily because he probably doesn't want to hurt Blaine again.
During the night he wondered many times about what the hell he's doing, what he's going to say to Kurt, if he should just tell him the truth. According to his sister, who had been close to him while he was freaking out, he should just tell him that he loves him and that he's going to be there for him, even if he chooses Blaine eventually.
"Don't you get it, Bas? All that Kurt wanted from you was three easy words, I love you." She had told him, trying to help him, but it actually only made him more confuse.
Of course he knows that Kurt won't give up with anything else, but he doesn't even know if he actually feels something for him since it's been years since the last time he felt something for someone.
Obviously, he wondered about the painful feeling growing in his chest that seemed like lack when Kurt wasn't around; or wonder about why when Kurt stayed for the night Sebastian would have wants to keep him in his bed forever.
Maybe he wondered about why he was jealous that Kurt made love to his boyfriend too, since it was the reason why Sebastian asked Kurt to break up with him several times. Well, it was actually egoism, not love.
How could he ask Kurt to be his only to leave him home for a night at Scandals where he would totally cheat on him? Pure egoism, that's what it is. He wants Kurt to be his and his only, but he doesn't feel like doing the same for Kurt. It doesn't make any sense, but it's a way of thinking that belongs to Sebastian; at least after what happened with Duncan.
According to Christine, he's just refusing the truth that he fell in love again, so the only thing his sister could do was reasoning about how "Kurt's not Duncan, or actually we're not sure he is Duncan already". Indeed, that angel face surely can't be that mean; Kurt is the most delicate person in this world. And Sebastian has played with him for too long by now.
/
In the morning after he's slept just for a few hours Kurt stumbles to the kitchen to get his necessary cup of coffee. As usual, Finn is sitting at the table in front of an endless amount of food. Considered what happened yesterday, Kurt decides not to talk to him if not to politely say hi. Finn does the same knowing that Kurt will need his time to swallow the bite down and that he's going to be the one to start it when he'll feel like talking. Burt is already out to go at the shop for an important work before the customer gets there. Carole is fixing the last thing before she goes out too. When he notices Kurt's there, she greets him with a big smile that always puts Kurt in a good mood.
Before Kurt manages to finish his coffee Finn is already out to go and take Rachel before they go to school. Everybody pretends they don't realize how much earlier Finn goes to her, but Carole would never scold him because she adores Rachel and for once she's glad that Finn uses an excuse to spend some time more with a girl that wasn't Quinn or that Santana harpy.
The woman, having a fantastic maternal instinct, had realized that Kurt is weird. He looks thoughtful as he sips his hot coffee.
"Honey, is something wrong?"
Kurt immediately thinks that maybe he's found a person to vent with.
"Today, I'm going to meet someone and I'm a little nervous about it; I didn't manage to talk about it to anybody in glee with what happened yesterday …"
"Yes, Finn told me about it," Carole cuts for a moment, careful at the way she says it.
"Indeed. So I didn't call anyone."
"Who's this person that makes you this nervous?" She asks, but it sounds quite knowingly in Kurt's opinion.
"Promise me you won't tell dad or he'll kill me this time."
"Kurt, your dad understood now. He won't judge you if you want to talk to Sebastian to make things clear."
"What? How?" Kurt asks in shock. How did she manage to understand who this is about?
"Do I need to remind you that I'm a mom, Kurt?" The woman answers obviously. Kurt nods weakly, it's impossible to hide anything from her.
"A few days ago he sent me a text asking me if I wanted to see him. He said he wanted to talk to me, but I told him I wouldn't. Then, I said it to Blaine and, according to him, I should listen to what Sebastian wants to tell me instead of imagining."
"I think that's smart," Carole says paying attention to Kurt's words so that she doesn't miss anything about this triangle that she wouldn't probably understand completely anyway.
"So I texted him yesterday claiming that I wanted to see him, and I told Blaine about it. We're going to meet each other after school, but I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
"I'm afraid he wants something I can't give him anymore, that he gets mad again, or that he acts mean and ends up disappointing me again. I don't really know, actually." Kurt ends looking down as he stares at the cup.
"Honey, you don't have to worry. You just have to listen to what you feel …"
"I've already done that once, Carole, and I lost the man I love on that occasion, not to mention my friends and my dad almost."
"You didn't really listen to your heart if you know you're still in love with Blaine. Passion is overwhelming but it doesn't come from the heart."
"I thought I loved Sebastian. How do I know I won't make the same mistake again? How can I understand what I really feel?" Kurt asks, almost desperately.
"No one knows what they actually feel unless it's so strong to erase the rest."
"I think I still feel these things for Blaine. When we were together nothing else mattered. If we'd kiss in the hallway and someone yelled at us, we wouldn't even notice." Kurt says giggling and making Carole smile too.
"Then if you think you feel like this, then you don't have to worry about what Sebastian might tell you because all you need to do is listening to your heart. It'll tell you what to do." Kurt smiles at the words taking one last sip from his coffee.
Talking to Carole has been as therapeutic as always. Indeed, a woman that took care of Finn for some years must surely be careful and patient. When Kurt introduced her to Burt he didn't imagine she was going to become somehow like the mother he had lost – to whom Kurt secretly talked to still. Carole had stepped into his life gently, without forcing it. She had waited for Kurt to be ready to accept her as his stepmother, which was a lot harder than accepting her as his dad's wife, which was okay with him from the first moment.
When the coffee is over, Kurt stands up, takes his bag and walks to the door. Before he gets out though, he turns around and runs to Carole, hugging her and pressing a kiss on her cheek.
"Thank you."
Carole just smiles at that.
Once he gets to school, his first thought is the math lesson he shares with Sebastian. Pain in the ass. His only hope is that Sebastian doesn't sit beside him at least.
When he arrives in the classroom he sits in the last row. Mercedes, Finn and Rachel are already sitting in the class. When Kurt entered the room Mercedes had smiled hoping Kurt would sit beside her, which didn't happen of course. Kurt's still too mad at them.
Once he's sat down at his place, he pulls out a notebook and the pen out of his bag, unable to find the strength to look around and check on Sebastian's presence. He suddenly hears somehow moving closer to the empty chair beside him. Kurt comes down to hope it's just a jock that he's going to mock him during the whole lesson. It would still be better than having Sebastian.
When he turns, he finds himself staring into amazing light eyes that he knows too well. Sebastian is sitting there beside him and he's staring back. What the hell does he want from him? Kurt turns to look away
"Hey, you won't even say hi to me anymore?" Sebastian asks sarcastically at the reaction.
"I can't see how you could care about that."
"I thought you were more polite, but do as you please." He says and then turns to listen to the teacher who just entered the room.
The first part of the lesson goes quite easily with no problems at all. They both stay focused on their notes without speaking. Kurt is surprised at the fact that Sebastian isn't spending the hour torturing him with jokes and mean words of every kind. When Kurt looks up he notices that Rachel is gazing at him, but he looks away in a moment, so he doesn't catch her friend's disappointed expression at the gesture. Sebastian who has noticed the scene writes something down a piece of paper and then hands it to Kurt.
You should talk to them.
Kurt rolls his eyes to the ceiling and turns the paper to write an answer that surprise Sebastian a lot.
Mind your fucking business and pay attention to the lesson.
If Kurt is starting to use mean words now, he can't imagine what the afternoon is going to be like. Kurt is usually the kindest person in the world; he never says stuff like that, nor writes it. Sebastian can count of the fingers of one hand all the times Kurt used words like those, and they weren't happy moments … some of them at least.
Considering the reaction, Sebastian decides to give up, at least for now. When he moved to this stupid place, practically ignoring all his personal rule of morality, the last thing he wanted was for Kurt to leave the Glee club. From what Blaine told him, when they were still friends, before Kurt told him about them, he knows that the hours Kurt spent in the choir room were his only moments of happiness. Kurt is harassed, Sebastian has seen it himself that sometimes he gets thrown against the lockers and he has to gather his books from the floor. He gets insulted, but he stays at school only for his group. Sebastian doesn't really understand the whole dimension of Kurt's loss because his happiness doesn't depend on a small group of friends, indeed, he was never harassed.
When the lesson is over, Kurt puts his things in his bag and walks out of the classroom, ignoring both Sebastian and the girls that tried to reach for him. All he needs to do is getting to the end of the school day with no further emotional stresses.
Chapter 10 Part 2 The Lima Bean
The more the hour of Kurt and Sebastian's date gets closer, the more Blaine curls in his bed. It's 2 o'clock pm.
From what Kurt texted him last night, they're going to meet each other at 3. He told him that if he wanted Blaine could call him without any problem, and that the encounter isn't going to last longer than just the time necessary for Kurt to "give back what Sebastian did to his face".
Blaine remembers that the idea of Kurt punching Sebastian in the face made him laugh like it didn't happen to him in months, but he won't tell him that.
After that though, everything had turned into anxiety. As soon as he starts thinking at how close the chairs are since the place is crowded, or the fact that there are services where they could go, everything makes him panic.
He promises to himself that he'd trust Kurt to give him another chance.
He hopes that his boyfriend won't disappoint him again even if the fear that it might happen is still strong inside him.
He misses him so much, he really does.
When he found out about the cheating he thought he was going to hate Kurt forever, but he can't. The love he feels for him is so strong that when he saw Kurt the day after he found out, he didn't say anything to him about it, he gave him his time, and when Kurt confessed, he didn't find the strength to leave him.
Is Kurt still his boyfriend though? Maybe he is, it's not like the broke up, they just took a break.
One thing Blaine is sure of: Kurt loves him.
He is sure of it because he'd never asked for a break with the risk of losing him only because he understood Blaine wouldn't have forgiven him for real. He would kept the things the way they were without showing a truth that might change everything to his boyfriend.
Kurt's words revealed to be true indeed because when Blaine had found himself alone in his room, he pondered a lot and realized that he hadn't really forgiven him for everything, that he didn't trust him completely. In fact, he keeps thinking that it wasn't Kurt's fault entirely.
Sebastian is the kind of guy who knows how to get what he wants and Blaine himself had found himself hesitating when Sebastian flirted explicitly with him; but then he looked into Kurt's eyes and everything went back to fine.
It's true that Sebastian decided to go after Kurt at the wrong time and that if their relationship had been as perfect as usual, Kurt wouldn't have given himself to the boy. But he did and he could have avoided that. Sebastian didn't threaten him or force him in any way. Kurt just let go to it so that he could forget their problems, without thinking about Blaine and how much it would hurt him.
Thoughts are running through his head and it's 3 o'clock now. He really hopes Kurt will call him as soon as they're done.
/
It's 3 o'clock and Kurt has just sat at a quite hidden table so that no one would notice if he decides to kill Sebastian with the first thing he's got in his hands.
After few minutes the boy walks in from the big hall and he steps through the tables of the Lima Bean, people being completely unaware of the fact that they're about to be witnesses of the most cruel murder even.
Sebastian greets him with a nod of his head, but Kurt doesn't greet back and he keeps on looking at him strictly. As soon as Sebastian sits, Kurt hands him his laced coffee – he knows it's his favourite.
"You paid coffee for me … how cute." He says grabbing the coffee.
He doesn't mean to make it sound ironically, but as usual a compliment sounded like a joke, so Kurt looks at him meanly and then says, "I've done that only so that I can avoid the waiting while you take your drink. It's going to take less time like this."
Sebastian lifts his hands in surrendering. They've totally started the wrong way.
"Can't we go straight to the point?"
"As you prefer. First of all, I wanted to make clear that I'm sorry …"
"Yes, what's next?" Kurt cuts him. Sebastian rolls his eyes to the ceiling and then turns to him again sounding annoyed.
"Look, if you're here because you want to listen to me, fine. Otherwise, you could have told me that I was wasting my time by coming here."
"Fine, I'm listening."
"Perfect. First of all, again, I'm sorry. And then, I wanted to talk about glee …"
"Bastian, I don't feel like talking about it, especially with you. It's my problem." Sebastian nods.
"Okay. Then there's more. I wanted to talk to you because … I wanted to tell you that it was never my intention to make fun of you. I've always cared about you in a special way."
"More special than the guys you fucked in the backroom at Scandals and whose name you can't even remember? It's such an honour, seriously," Kurt replies sarcastically, putting a hand on his heart.
"You really don't need to joke about it. I meant I really cared about you. And I still do."
"What's the point again?"
"I want to be honest with you for once. Maybe I would have given up on my junk life if you broke up with Blaine to stay with me."
"I don't care about that. I love Blaine. I chose him, Bas, face it." Kurt can't really understand where they're heading with this conversation.
Since when they've started their secret relationship Sebastian had made a lot of promises to him but Kurt never believed him, luckily. He knows Sebastian and he knows that this is probably just another attempt to have Kurt back in his bed.
"I have no idea what you want from me? Do you want me to forgive you for punching me? I did so. Do you want me to come back to you? You can forget about that."
Kurt doesn't trust him, of course. At the words, Sebastian's optimism – the one his sister made grow within him – started to fade. There's a chance that Kurt wouldn't believe him or take that seriously. He's always been a bitch to everybody and he can't turn into a kind guy with the most honest intentions and hopes people change their minds about him. So he thinks about the only way that might work to convince Kurt, or at least to give a reason to his asshole attitude.
"Wait, Kurt. I want you to listen to a story …"
Kurt stays in silence and he just listens while Sebastian tells him about Duncan, about what happened and what the boy did to him. He doesn't cut on any detail, not even about the suicide thing and the cures he had to go through.
Kurt seems totally taken, and at some point, even sensibly moved. When Sebastian stops at word suicide, Kurt takes his hand in his own before he manages to keep it. When he realize it, he trails his own hand back, almost like he got burnt, and he takes his coffee back. Sebastian doesn't complain but he understands.
Kurt is an amazing person, who feels the pain of other people without even realizing that. Sebastian's wet eyes and his hesitation had moved him, but this doesn't mean anything. In fact, when he finishes up, Kurt breaks the silence with a sharp comment that leave Sebastian speechless, "Bas, this is totally moving and I'm sorry for what you've been through, but do you think this justifies your asshole attitude, your obsession for sex and alcohol, not to mention your lunatic behaviours? Sorry, but I won't buy it. It won't justify what you did to me, the nights I spent crying, the fact that whenever I felt dirty, you never had a kind word for me, or the reason why, even if I didn't choose you, you still buzz round me without realizing you're driving me crazy."
Kurt's tone of voice rose through the words. Sebastian didn't say a word to cut him. He just listens to every single painful word.
"I'm not justifying myself, Kurt. No one knows what happened except from my sister and my parents. This is the first time I ever to talk to someone about this … don't you care about that?"
"Sebastian, I can't really see what you want from me, so I guess I'll just leave. This doesn't make any sense."
"Answer me. Do you think it doesn't matter anything that I told you that? Why did you trail back when you took my hand? Do you need to hide what you feel to stay with Blaine?"
Kurt's eyelids spread. "Don't even try to put Blaine and what I feel for him between us. You don't know anything."
"I know what I see and you're lying!" Kurt is trying hard not to scream to Sebastian. How can he judge what he feels for Blaine? He's never understood what they have, even when he cheated, there was always something that brought him back to Blaine and he didn't even realize.
"You didn't answer me, Kurt. Why did you trail your hand back?"
"Because you don't deserve my compassion."
"Just that? Is that because you feel like you're cheating on Blaine again because I moved something within you?"
Kurt shakes his head, feeling tired. Why can't Sebastian understand? He doesn't feel anything but hate right now. He felt something for Sebastian, but he can't come back to him after weeks and try to make him feel guilty or make him believe that he's still in love with him, he didn't understand a thing.
"Sebastian, these are my last words, because I don't need to justify anything to you. I loved you. I loved you so much that I hurt one of the most import people of my life just so that I could love you. I loved you so much that I risked losing everything. You lost the train though. Your attitude didn't allow you to realize that I would have given everything to you if only you'd proved me to feel the same things. But you didn't." Kurt takes a small pause and leans his hand, lifting Sebastian's chin so that Sebastian looks into his eyes, since he had lowered his gaze. "You can't come here now and judge me because I chose someone who gave me their love and their time, even when he knew what I was doing to him and, even if he's hurt, he still loves me. You're just a spoiled brat that wants to have everything, but with his timing, only when he needs it. You didn't want me and you treated me like one of your bitches, maybe just a little better. Now you want me and you think I'll get at your feet, begging for you to date me. How do you do it? By Judging me and trying to make me feel guilty." He says sharply. "You're lame."
Sebastian tries to look into Kurt's eyes but he can't. Those blue eyes filled with hate hurt too much. And yet Kurt wants him to look, wants him to see all the hate and that for once he understands. He's always been strong and that's what he appreciated about him.
Kurt doesn't even give him the time to answer before he stands up from his chair and turns to walk to the exit. Sebastian though tries to stop him with one last desperate attempt, so that Kurt understands, by following his sister's advice. He grabs Kurt by the arm and whispers lowly to him – so that only he can hear it, "I love you."