Disclaimer: All characters belong to Charlaine Harris
A/N: Thank you to my beta Northwoman and my pre-reader Mazza666, this was a hard chapter for me to write and for them to help with but I am so glad they did
Being a vampire with a corvette didn't help Eric's little problem he'd had with speeding one bit. It had always bothered me before. Our insurance had been sky-high because of the points he'd racked up on his license.
"You still have a 'need for speed', I see." I told him, hoping he'd slow down.
Eric laughed at my remark. I guess he hadn't taken the hint.
"Slow down, you're going to get a ticket." I urged.
"Won't happen." He smirked.
"Oh? Why not?"
"If I get pulled over, I'll just glamour my way out of the ticket."
I was shocked. That was just wrong. I wouldn't have thought Eric would take advantage of his little mind trick like that. It seemed like a violation to me.
"Eric! That's horrible. You can't just mess with people's minds like that because you want to drive fast. I can't believe you'd do that. That's not like you at all." I scolded.
"Yes, it is like me to do that. It is like all vampires to do that, Sookie. We're not angels. And besides, I've seen you use your talents to get out of a ticket before." He replied, irritated.
"That's not fair! I can't help it if that creep liked what he saw. I was wearing that low cut top for you, if you'll recall. Besides, getting off with a warning because I have big boobs is very different from getting out of a ticket by altering a person's mind." I said, incredulously.
"Glamour doesn't cause pain or permanent damage, Sookie." He said.
"It's still wrong, Eric. How would you like it if one of your vampire friends… or worse, André, tried to glamour me? Would that be okay?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
Eric's reaction came as no surprise. His hands tightened on the wheel and he clinched his jaw, I could see the muscles of his face spasm and twitch. He let a low growl escape before he replied.
"I would never allow it, ever." He hissed.
"But you said it didn't hurt." I said, letting his own words make my point.
He growled again before slowing the car down, not all the way to the actual speed limit but much better than before.
"You've always been a good influence on me, Sookie. I appreciate it. However, there are things I have done, and will continue to do because I am vampire, that you will not understand. Some of these things may seem wrong by human standards." Eric said.
I had nothing to say to his declaration so I watched the scenery as it passed my window. Everything was flying by so fast it made me dizzy. It was the perfect metaphor for my life at that moment.
We pulled into a quiet neighborhood. The homes were nice but not over the top, I guess I would describe it as upper middle class. It was an older area and the houses were surrounded by trees, giving each house privacy and shade. It was exactly the kind of neighborhood I always pictured Eric and I would settle into after school. I felt a pang of jealousy.
He pulled into the drive of a pretty red brick two story home. The porch held two white columns and the windows had black shutters. He pulled up to the garage and pushed a button on his dash to open the large white doors. Eric cut the ignition and faster than I could see he had my door opened.
He picked me up bridal style and headed for the door to the interior of the house. I wanted to enjoy the moment but for some reason it felt wrong. I'd been fighting a feeling of doubt since Eric explained himself in the car earlier and we needed to talk before I let Eric sweep me off my feet both literally and figuratively.
"Let me down, Eric." I said, placing a hand on his chest.
"I'm carrying my secret wife over the threshold, Sookie. I'm being very romantic." He answered.
I wanted to let him continue, I really did. Every impulse I had wanted to be carried through the door and straight into his bed, but it would have been wrong.
"Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?" I said.
He reluctantly stopped and put me down, his face a mask of hurt and rejection.
"What are you trying to say?" He asked.
"I'm saying we need to talk first. Remember, I need to know what I'm getting into here. I want you, I do. I want to say that I don't care about the last two years but it would be a lie. If we don't talk about this now, I won't be able to move forward."
Eric ran his fingers through his hair, "You're right. I just… I want you, Sookie. But you're absolutely right, we need to talk."
He opened the door to the house that led to a mud room. He took his shoes off so I followed suit. He took my hand and pulled me into the kitchen. He went to the fridge and retrieved a TruBlood for himself and bottled water for me. He placed the blood in the microwave to heat it. I hadn't realized TruBloods needed to be heated. I guess it made sense, after all blood from the source is 98 degrees.
I thanked him for the water and watched him gulp down the blood. He grimaced like a child eating broccoli. I laughed at his expression.
"That bad, huh?" I asked.
"Horrible." He answered.
"Your house is really nice." I said, trying to get the show on the road.
"Would you like a tour?"
I nodded and Eric showed his home to me. It looked recently updated. The kitchen was a cook's dream but it was sparse since vampires don't necessarily need any of the small appliances that a human would. I noticed there was no coffee maker. I wondered how I would be able to handle a good mood in the morning without a cup of Joe.
The living room was large and tastefully decorated with plush leather furniture and thick rugs. It looked really comfortable and homey. Eric showed me where the bathroom was in case I needed it, before he pulled me down a hall towards the bedrooms. There were three on the main level and each one had a private bath. They were nice but a little cold feeling. The furnishings and linens reminded me of a hotel.
The upstairs bedrooms had been repurposed, one as a library and the other as an office. I noticed the office had two desks and it dawned on me that Pam probably lived there as well. My jealousy skyrocketed.
"Do you live here with Pam?" I asked, my voice a bit too shrill.
"No. Pam owns many homes, this is the one I chose to stay at but she rarely stays here with me."
"Why would she need to stay here?" I asked, my voice accusatory in tone.
"Not the reasons you're thinking, I assure you." He answered, smiling at me reassuringly.
He continued. "I told you already, I do not have a sexual relationship with Pam. She likes women. If she stays here, it is because it has grown too close to dawn for her to leave safely."
"Oh."
"Yes, oh." He smirked.
I stood there looking at him, admiring his smirk. My mind wandered to the thought of sex again and it occurred to me he'd neglected to show me where he slept during the day. All the rooms we'd seen had windows. I didn't think he could stay in a room with windows during daylight hours.
"Where is your bedroom?" I blurted.
His smirk grew in wickedness. "I thought you wanted to talk first, dear one."
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Mr. Northman. I just wondered since all the rooms you've shown me have windows."
"I have quarters under the house where I stay during the day." He said
I expected him to offer to show me his day 'quarters' as he'd called them, but he didn't. I instantly wondered why. Was he hiding something from me? I didn't like the idea of him keeping secrets from me.
"I'm getting nervous, Eric. Can we get started?" I asked, wringing my hands.
"If you're ready, let's go. Living room?"
I nodded.
Eric led me back to the living room and gestured to the sofa. I sat down and sank, and sank, and sank, into the nice buttery-soft leather. His couch totally trumped mine. Eric sat next to me and stretched his long legs in front of him. He looked big on the couch but a least he didn't dwarf it. My heart fluttered a bit at the idea of this being the first of many nights I would be spending with him. I shook off the thought since it wasn't the time to get my hopes up. I started to shake from nerves. This was our turning point; this conversation would either make us or break us.
I really didn't know how to start a conversation like this. I didn't want it to seem like I was interrogating him, but in a way that is exactly what I wanted and needed to do. He'd been gone for almost two years and I needed to know what he had done during that time. I had to know all of it; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
"I don't know where to begin. I never imagined in a million years I would be near you again. I'm excited by the idea of being with you, but I am scared of who you may have become. Just don't lie to me Eric. The questions I have, you have to answer them truthfully. The only way I can know what to do is if I have all the information. Do you understand?" I asked, my voice faltering. I was already close to crying.
"You are going to hate me, Sookie." He said, looking despondent.
"I don't think that's possible, Eric." I smiled, trying to reassure Eric, or possibly myself.
"I think it would be best if I filled you in on some things first. Then after, I guess you can ask questions?"
"Sounds like a plan." I said, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a rush.
"First, what I am going to tell you can't leave this room, even if you leave hating me. I'm telling you because I trust you, Sookie." He said. I nodded as he continued. "Pam is an important vampire. She is the authority in this part of Louisiana."
I can't say that I was surprised to hear that information, she exuded power and she was the one that had appeared on television the night of the reveal.
Eric continued. "Louisiana is divided into territories, or areas. Northern Louisiana, including Shreveport and Bon Temps is Area 5. Pam runs Area 5 for the ruler of the state. Our state is run by a Queen named Sophie-Anne."
Eric didn't have a chance to continue because I had interrupted him, with my laughter. I was laughing so hard that I snorted, which only made me laugh harder. It took a while for me to settle down and catch my breath.
Eric was not pleased with my outburst. His face was stern. He was trying to be serious, but the look on his face only made the giggles start again. He stood up and headed out of the room.
"Wait! Wait, I'm sorry! Eric, come back. I promise I won't laugh anymore." I said, schooling my features and trying to look serious.
He returned to his seat. "It's not a game, Sookie."
"I know. It's just… a Queen? Really, Eric? You can't see how that's a little bit funny."
"If you have that reaction over the Queen, there is no way I'm telling you Pam's title." Eric said, smiling again.
"Is she a princess?"
It was Eric's turn to find humor in what I had said. He roared with laughter at me calling Pam a princess.
Still laughing, Eric answered my question. "In everyway she is a princess, I assure you. But no, her title is sheriff."
"Pam's the Sheriff of Area 5?" I snickered.
"Yes, she is."
"And are you her deputy?" I asked, the snickers and giggles threatening to erupt into full blown laughter again.
Eric's demeanor changed and his eyes grew pensive. How could I have been so stupid? There I was making jokes about what he did for Pam when I'd already been told, by Sam, that Eric was some sort of assassin.
"I am her lieutenant, her second in command."
"What do you do as her second?" I asked, bracing myself for the answer.
"Whatever I have to do to keep our area safe." He answered cryptically.
"Sam says you've killed before. He says you do all of Pam's dirty work, is that true?" I asked before I could think.
I could see the rage form in Eric. He rose to his feet in a flash and somehow he seemed even taller to me. His fangs had come down and he looked positively murderous. He began pacing in front of the couch. When he spoke, it came out as a barely controlled growl.
"What did the shifter tell you?" He asked through his teeth.
I pulled my knees up to my chest, seeing Eric so angry was hard for me to fathom but there he was; boiling, raging, and it scared me.
"Nothing specific, just that you were a killer. I didn't believe him, so he said you killed a shifter he knew. That's all, Eric. Please don't be mad at me." I said, my voice barely a whisper as I finished.
Eric's eyes changed from anger to remorse in an instant. He stopped pacing and lowered himself onto the floor in front of me. He gently pulled my knees away from my chest. He didn't move from his place in front of me so I was forced to put one leg on either side of his body. He reached for my face and stroked my cheek as he spoke.
"I am so sorry, Sookie. I shouldn't have let my anger control me like that. What you said made me furious, but with Sam, not you. Not even for one second did I feel anger towards you. And even if I had, I would not hurt you, physically or emotionally. Believe me when I say I would rather die the final death, than hurt you."
Eric had scared me, and he was right, he shouldn't have let his temper get the best of him. I wasn't going to be able to forgive him and move on just like that. Sometimes, I'm sorry just isn't enough.
"Eric, would I have let you get away with acting like that when you were human?"
"No." He said, defeated.
"So being a vampire gives you carte blanche to act like some sort of meathead on a steroid bender?"
"No, definitely not, vampires are expected to control their emotions. The way I acted Sookie, it was stupid and impulsive. What you saw, I haven't done that in a long time." He answered.
"What made you go off like that Eric? Was what Sam said true?"
Eric surprised me by laying his head on my lap. I wanted to urge him to answer me, but I felt he needed the time to control himself or gather his thoughts. I stroked his hair while he lay there.
After a few minutes he returned to his original spot on the couch. He looked more relaxed but there was an obvious look of trepidation on his face. He knew he had to tell the truth but he didn't want to.
"Yes, what he said was true. The shifter was a threat to Pam and the vampires of her area and he was killed by my hand. I can't go into details. This is one of the instances where you'll have to place your faith in me that I did what I had to do.."
"Have there been others?"
"A few. Sookie, I don't know what you want to hear."
"The truth, I want to hear the truth from you."
"Vampires are devious by nature, they are always scheming for power and wealth. When someone becomes a threat to Pam or our area I take care of it. She trusts me like no other because I am bound to her as her child.
"If you are asking me if I enjoy what I do, I will tell you that yes, as a vampire and a predator I enjoy the chase, the fight, and the victory. But there is a part of me that despises what I have become, how could I not, especially when I see the look in your eyes right now.
"I never asked for this Sookie, but it happened. I never imagined I would talk with you again, or touch you again, yet here we are. But the fact is I am a vampire, and that means a lot of things I know you will disapprove of. Is that fair? No, it's not, just like it isn't fair for you to judge me as you would a human.
"Everything about this situation screams we should not be together. But I can't accept that. I know there has to be a way for us to make this work. I am determined to do whatever I have to, within my power, but I am vampire. I kill and I drink blood and no matter how much you may hate it, you can't change me. You can't love the vampire out of me."
I was crying in earnest at that point. The tears were flowing freely but silently down my cheeks. Eric was a vampire, and it wasn't romantic like the movies. It was cold and blood thirsty and animalistic. That alone should have given me enough reason to leave and never return.
But I couldn't, because as a human he had been perfect in every way possible and becoming a vampire hadn't removed any of the traits I'd loved about him. All the reasons I had fallen in love with Eric were still there; only they were twisted and snarled together with his new nature.
Since I wasn't prepared to leave, I asked another question.
"Why did you open a business with Pam? That was our dream." I asked rather bluntly, there would be no sugar coating the situation.
"We needed a base for Area 5 operations. Revealing our existence to humans made it necessary to have a place for interactions between vampires that didn't raise suspicions. Fangtasia is the perfect cover. It is also a way to facilitate meetings between humans and vampires for blood donations and sexual encounters.
"Sookie, I didn't open the bar to hurt you and neither did Pam. It was necessary. I hope you understand. Besides, there is no reason we can't open our own business someday." He said.
Only if I stay. I thought. Since Eric had inadvertently brought it up I decided to ask the one question I had been dreading the answer to the most.
"Have you been faithful to me?" I asked, my eyes begging for his answer to be yes.
"Vampires become aroused when they feed. It is instinctual. The younger the vampire, the harder it is to control the impulse." He answered, his eyes brimming with red.
I was grief-stricken. I'd spent the last two years mourning in a cold empty bed, while he had sex with god know who. His answer told me all I needed to know, but I wanted to know more. I couldn't tell you why I had to have details, but I did. I'm sure a psychiatrist would have a field day figuring out why I insisted on rubbing salt into the already painful wound.
"That's not what I asked you, Eric. Tell me, it's the least you can do." I sniffled, the crying from before relenting as I became more numb.
"Yes, I have. Sookie, you have to understand. Sex for a vampire is not like sex for humans, there is no emotion involved. When I eat, I get aroused, I can't control it. I did fuck women I fed from, but never more than once, and they were all glamoured to forget.
"I didn't want a replacement relationship or a companion. I only wanted you, only ever you. You have to believe me."
"How many?" I asked, my voice steady and cold.
"I don't honestly know, Sookie. It didn't happen each time I fed but in the beginning it happened a lot. I don't know if it matters to you, but since I found out I could see you, I have abstained. And if you can forgive me and be with me, I promise I can and will be faithful." He said sincerely.
I was acutely aware that up to that point I was too calm. So I wasn't surprised when I felt the damn break, but the force of the onslaught of feelings scared me. I'd never felt anything like it before. My body began to shake and tremble as the rage formed in the pit of my stomach. It swirled in me, building with the images of Eric fucking whores and sucking blood from their filthy necks.
I flew off the couch on a wave of adrenaline and stood in front of Eric. My fists involuntarily balled so tight I could feel my nails cut into my palms. Eric didn't move.
"That's supposed to make me feel better? Screw you, asshole! I died when you left, my heart broke and my body broke and I never desired anyone else. I could hardly stand for anyone to touch me platonically, let alone sexually. And you think telling me that the whores you fucked didn't mean anything is going to make it all okay? You know what you are? You're weak and pathetic, and your excuses are laughable. You've been doing exactly what you wanted to do all along. I won't let you hide behind your 'vampire nature' excuses anymore. " I yelled, the rage tinting the words with seething hate.
"Sookie I missed you, utterly. I yearned for you everyday. I only slept with women that wouldn't remind me of you because I didn't want to cheapen my memories of you. I never tasted your blood type until tonight for the same reason.
"I swear to you it meant nothing to me. I never lusted after another woman, I only sought the act, the end result, the release.
"If you let me, I will spend the rest of your life proving to you how much I love you and only you. I only desire you in my arms. I will give myself to you completely, don't let this be the end." He pleaded.
Eric looked as broken as I felt, but I had no desire to comfort him. I'd never seen him beg and plead forgiveness before, and seeing him like that was agonizing. But I could not give him anymore of me. I was done.
My initial burst of rage had burned bright but faded just as fast. I was returning to the state of numbness and I actually welcomed it. I didn't want to feel anything, probably ever again. I sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh. I had more I needed to say before I said goodbye.
"I don't know you anymore. Who have you become, Eric? Killing people, fucking random women, glamouring cops for kicks? And the worst part is that you hide your despicable acts behind the ruse of not being able to help yourself, that it's your nature.
"Well, it's not in my nature to play someone's pet, but I did it for you. I've sacrificed my dignity and pride for you. But you've sacrificed nothing to be with me.
"I spent the last two years yearning for only your arms too, Eric. Everyday I felt the ghosts of your fingers touching me, knowing it would never be. But I didn't try to fuck you out of my system, because I loved you.
"You were the one who knew the truth all along. How could you touch another knowing I was so close? How could you?
"No, don't answer that, I don't want anymore excuses. I can't do this, Eric. I can't make all of these sacrifices. I can't loose myself and my dignity to be with you."
I noticed my entire body was trembling. My heart felt like it was literally breaking, the physical pain almost too much to bear. I felt my knees begin to buckle so I sat down. Steeling myself, I took a deep breath and continued.
"Sunday is the 2 year anniversary of the night you were murdered." I choked on the words. "I will spend that day mourning you, and then I'm done. I'll force myself to move on if I have to."
In the next instance I felt his arms go around me as he tried to bury his head in my hair. I pushed him off of me with all of the strength I could muster.
"No! Stay away from me. Don't make this harder than it already is."
"Is there anything I can do to make you reconsider?" He asked, his once bright blue eyes dulled with pain.
I shook my head. I didn't think there was anything that he could possibly do or say. It would take too much on my part to make it work and too little on his. I just wanted to forget the whole thing.
I needed to leave. The more time I spent in Eric's presence the, more it hurt. Knowing I was making the right decision didn't make it easier and each second next to Eric tested my resolve. I had to get out of there.
"Can you call me a cab, Eric?"
"Stay with me, Sookie." He pleaded.
"I can't."
"Then let me take you home."
"Okay."
88888
I woke up the next day unable to open my eyes. I hadn't cried on the drive home but as soon as I stepped into my house the waterworks started. The tears continued at the kitchen table talking with Jason until 6am, and flowed freely until I fell asleep from exhaustion. All the crying had irritated my eyes to the point that I looked like I'd gone a few rounds in a boxing match. They were swollen and sore. My nose was raw from tissues.
I groaned and headed to the bathroom. I ran the bath and got in placing a wet washrag on my eyes and promptly fell asleep. I woke to the sound of Jason banging on the bathroom door.
"Sookie! Open up! Sookie!" Jason shouted, sounding scared.
I heard the door handle jiggle.
"Hold on, hold on! I fell asleep." I called out to him.
"Oh, thank God, Sis, I thought you did something stupid." Jason said from the other side of the door.
I wasn't suicidal but I wasn't quite for living, either. So I understood why Jason had said what he did.
I toweled myself off and put on the sweats and tee-shirt I'd brought in with me. I wouldn't be going anywhere so I didn't care how I looked. I opened the door to find Jason still standing on the other side. He immediately wrapped me in a hug.
"I can't lose you, I love ya, Sis. We'll work through this together, okay?" He said.
Jason pulled away from me while still holding on to my arms. He gave me a good hard look.
"Jesus, Sookie, you look like shit."
"Well, I feel like shit. I'm going back to bed." I grumbled.
I tried to go back to sleep but my mind had other ideas. The night before kept playing in a loop forcing me to analyze what we had said, what we had done. It was the worst kind of self torture.
Eric had asked me once more to change my mind before I exited his car. His words were desperate and heartfelt and I wanted to go with him more than anything. But the voice in the back of my head reminded me of the issues we had, the issues that were entirely too huge to ignore.
In the end, I told him that I didn't hate him, and that I still loved him very much but we could never be. He walked me to the porch and we shared our last kiss and said our final goodbye. Saying goodbye, was beyond a doubt, the hardest thing I had ever forced myself to do.
"I will love you for eternity, Sookie. My memories of you will greet me at dusk, and lull me into my sleep at dawn. If you ever find it your heart to accept me, I will welcome you with open arms."
His last words to me wound themselves around my heart and clawed at my willpower. He loved me. That much I knew, but is love enough when so many things are stacked against you?
Okay, I KNOW it was bad. All I can say is it isn't over, Sookie just needs time to think. (Don't worry, she won't take too long either!)
K
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